Would this irk you? New home plans…

[CrystalBall80]

Hello all, I’m going around and around in my head over this so I thought I’d try to get some opinions and maybe advice if anyone has been through similar.

My DP and I have been together almost 3 years, we have 3 DC between us, I have one and he has 2, all under 10 YO. I have my DS full time, he has his DC almost half the time.

We have decided to sell our respective homes and buy a home together for the five of us to live in. We do not want to compromise on the DC sharing bedrooms so we have hit the top of our budget to get a large enough home in a good area. I have worked out the sums (to the penny) and I can just about afford to own, and pay half towards this home, save a little (jointly, for emergencies / home improvements etc) and have a small amount of disposable income each month.

With interest rates (and everything else) rising, I’m growing more and more concerned about affording this big house. DP earns more than me and is not worried at all. He even proudly announced last week that he’ll be able to put over £1000 aside each month into a savings account for him and his DC. I certainly couldn’t afford to do that, even though I’ve just taken a better paid job and do evening work (all home based) on top.

This has really irked me. Because what I’m now thinking is,

1. Am I (and ultimately my DS) going to be worse off buying this house, a house I only need because my partner has two DC.
2. We had spoken about putting towards the house relative to our earnings but that seems to have gone out the window.
3. My new role is completely remote, my DP works out of home, often on location, so as well as paying for half of this expensive home, am I eventually going to be default childcare?

I love my current home and I’ve been so happy here, but I also adore (most of the time!) my DP and have always wanted a family home, I’m just now confused and wondering whether to stay put :-/

I agree with this

Thanks so much for all the replies. My mum came over this morning and I broke down, I think the stress and the pressure and the worry has finally got to me.

You're all so right. We have been on this rollercoaster and haven't even sat down to discuss the financials as a partnership - we've done it completely with our own finances in mind.

My initial thinking was to go into this completely 50/50 with all legalities water-tight via a solicitor, i.e. if one of us dies the house goes up for sale within 6 months and we take our deposits then split the equity, etc.

But now I'm thinking, what if I'm struggling month to month and (god forbid) his parents pass away, leaving him the substantial estate (DP is an only child). I'd like to think, in my heart, I would also be financially comfortable too - but how the hell will I know? What if he wants to squirrel it all away and I'm left with my couple of hundred quid a month whilst he and his DC are millionaires?

I have text him saying we need to talk urgently. I think we need to either rent both houses and rent together, see how it goes, then marry before moving in. I think I could be risking my relationship here, but ultimately, I'd rather risk my relationship than mine and my DS's future security and freedom.

Why do you feel entitled to his parent's estate? Why should their death make you financially comfortable?

That is a really unfair mindset.

Tell him you can’t afford it. Because you can’t.

You keep saying it’s “doable” but it seems you have very little disposable income and no personal savings. That’s without taking into account the likely process rises and the fact that if you are primarily caring for his DC you’ll always be paying extra on treats, petrol and all the rest.

If that doesn’t worry you for yourself it absolutely should for your DC.

His reaction will tell you everything

Stay where you are OP!

And if you go for a rental then make sure that he pays 2/3 to 1/3! Otherwise, you will still lose out.

I’d be worried if you split up and then he’d be the one with the savings and more able to buy you out, then you’d be left potentially unable to afford a home.

Glad to hear that you are re-thinking OP. In your discussion I wouldn't mention the possibility of an inheritance from his parents as that could make you sound grabby. Focus on the here and now. Is it fair for him and his DC to have loads more disposable income and ability to save compared to you and your DC? Are you effectively subsidising him (because of the extra bedroom)? What are the possible alternative ways of arranging finances? Also the childcare issue - you need to make your position clear on that.

Sounds like it'll be cheaper for him to run one household but not you. Moving in together should benefit both of you. If he's got £1000 a month spare cash, and you've got none then that's not fair and equal,

if he wants you to take on a higher mortgage to accommodate his 2 dc, he needs to think about how he can make it fair. I say figure out how much spare cash you'll both end up with, add together and split in half. If he wants it to run as a family, such as you look after his dc whilst he's away, then finances need to reflect the family environment

I think you should sit and work things out and let things settle in your head before you call for a get together to discuss things. Why is this so urgent to be done right now? There is that saying to sleep on things, I think you should perhaps consider that, as you have already said you are feeling emotional about it today.

Maybe process everything and then discuss it. I have now read all the replies (I posted previously before doing that ) and there is a lot to consider that you may not have at first. It a lot I know OP. Just take it slow, why do you feel so pressurized to get it all sorted right away?

Brilliant. You can't risk it.

She doesn't. Have you rtft ?

But she's entitled to wonder why it would be a "we're a United blended family in it together " on one hand when it benefits him & not when it benefits her.

Either they are going to be a totally blended family with one set of finances & 3 kids & all monies mixed including inheritances providing a comfy life for all which would benefit both including him to spend less monthly & have childcare thrown in

Or

They are doing things separately in which case this move only makes sense for him. And she shouldn't

He doesn't get to gave it both ways fuck that

What's mine is mine & what's yours is mine attitude.

Good for you OP. I think your update is very wise. Don't ignore those alarm bells. This is a really bad plan from your perspective.

Sounds like it'll be cheaper for him to run one household but not you. Moving in together should benefit both of you. If he's got £1000 a month spare cash, and you've got none then that's not fair and equal,

This is the crux of it and is what you need to say to him. If he dismisses you or says anything along the lines of saying you are grabby/not thinking as a team, then that says it all.

What did your mum say?

I know some blended families manage to make things work really well moving in together but I wouldn't do it by selling my house and pooling resources. It's just too risky, especially as a first time living together and especially when he doesn't seem open to having in depth discussions about how it'll work.

My house is my financial security for DD and I in that I know I can afford the mortgage repayments every month and that the house is cheap to heat. If I were to sell it to move in with a partner I'd be financially screwed if it didn't work out as I wouldn't be able to get back on the property ladder starting afresh. Unless you're confident that you would be able to get a big enough mortgage based on your income alone to buy another house if need be then I really would rethink your plans.

Much better for you both to rent out your current properties and rent together for a year to see if the dynamic works.

I would honestly say to him "what's in this for me? Can you tell me what specific and tangible benefits I and my child get out of this and then we can compare what you will get out of us going ahead with this plan as it stands".

I bet he won't be able to come up with anything at all and if he's a decent bloke will work with you to change that. If he isn't and just gets shouty and defensive, then you know what to do.

It is likely that all the expensive childrens' activities will take place when his children are with you. How would you split the costs of those? 60/40, 66/33 or 50/50 or what? If you want to do anything nice just with your DC, will you end up paying for all of you? What if the increase in bills leaves you with nothing for activities for your DS? And he has to settle for a picnic in the local park with you while the DSC go out with Dad to the big theme parks etc. Real typical problems, chewed over every day on this board.

Blended families are difficult enough, but big differences in earning capacity and capital makes for even more problems.

I agree with @Weatherwax13

I was in a not too dissimilar position to you, OP. I won't go into all the details as it's not relevant. BUT, I just sat down one day and gave myself a good talking too when I realised that whilst it was a lovely idea in theory to blend families, houses, money etc., for me that was only a short term ideal.

Fast forward to the future - school fees, university fees, your own hobbies, holidays, death....(which we do have to think about - I've been there, hence my seeming to labour the point!)....... etc............. will there be parity or gross inequality in your financial relationship?

For what it's worth I chose to go it alone as I felt (and still feel) that I had to put my interests and those of my children first. You can still maintain a relationship, but one which is without the anxieties you've outlined.

I feel for you - having to work out your finances down to every penny whilst he's sitting there crowing about the £1000 he'll be able to save.

You have to make a decision based on all the information you have available, and only you will know the best way forward for you. What I'm saying is do not be afraid to walk away from this plan to purchase this house together. You may regret your decision for a long time to come.

I'm glad you have your mum with you for support.

I'm afraid he's not going to like what you have to say Op but that's irrelevant. He thinks being a family means you get to do lots for him and his DC and pay for the privilage. Don't let him try to emotionally blackmail you Op, better to be on your own with your DS then with a man who wants it all his own way

Well done op.

I'm so glad you've taken the blinders off. Please, do not sell your home only to rent. You will end up in the same situation as you would if you bought together. Keep your home, that's your security.

He may not be the man for you, op. I don't see too much concern for your welfare from him.

So he thinks 50/50 is fair?

how about if it’s done on a percentage? So you both put 50% of your respective salaries into a joint account and you both keep the same percentage back for yourselves?

how would he feel if you get a 4 bedroom house? That way his two “part time” children are costing the same as your “full time” child? If he wants the bigger house, is he willing to do a 60/40 split on everything?

does he know that you’re not prepared to be full time, unpaid childcare or is he willing to pay you for that?

I did read the thread and she was upset the inheritance might not make her financially comfortable or that he might squirrel it away for hi and his own kids.

I highly doubt if a woman posted on here that she was getting an inheritance but her boyfriend was getting upset that she was thinking of putting it aside as her own nestegg and for her own child - that she would be seen as an evil, selfish person and that her duty is to be sure her boyfriend and his kids are financially comfortable. Personally if my boyfriend had an issue with me putting my own inheritiance aside for me and my own kids, he would be out the door in ten minutes. So no, blending families and moving a partner and kids into together doesn't mean that 100% of everything is now equally shared. That would be incredibly stupid to do. Regardless of a girlfriend / boyfriend - a parent's repsonsibility is to their own children and their abiility to provide for them - they do not have a primary responsibility for the boyfriend / girlfriend and their kids.

The house issue needs to be figured out as the deicison should not make her house poor and she needs a buffer of savings for herself and her son, but her comments about expecting his inheritance to make her life financially comfortable and to be upset he would be putting it away for his own kids - major red flag.

@Midlifemusings
I think OPs concern is more that he will be more than happy to share the financial and practical burdens he brings to the table but not his assets, be that the £1k per month he's happy to boast about or any future financial windfalls.
It should all either be shared or not shared.
"Heads I Win, Tails you lose" is not an attractive proposition for anyone.

Bingo 👏🏻