Would this irk you? New home plans…

[CrystalBall80]

Hello all, I’m going around and around in my head over this so I thought I’d try to get some opinions and maybe advice if anyone has been through similar.

My DP and I have been together almost 3 years, we have 3 DC between us, I have one and he has 2, all under 10 YO. I have my DS full time, he has his DC almost half the time.

We have decided to sell our respective homes and buy a home together for the five of us to live in. We do not want to compromise on the DC sharing bedrooms so we have hit the top of our budget to get a large enough home in a good area. I have worked out the sums (to the penny) and I can just about afford to own, and pay half towards this home, save a little (jointly, for emergencies / home improvements etc) and have a small amount of disposable income each month.

With interest rates (and everything else) rising, I’m growing more and more concerned about affording this big house. DP earns more than me and is not worried at all. He even proudly announced last week that he’ll be able to put over £1000 aside each month into a savings account for him and his DC. I certainly couldn’t afford to do that, even though I’ve just taken a better paid job and do evening work (all home based) on top.

This has really irked me. Because what I’m now thinking is,

1. Am I (and ultimately my DS) going to be worse off buying this house, a house I only need because my partner has two DC.
2. We had spoken about putting towards the house relative to our earnings but that seems to have gone out the window.
3. My new role is completely remote, my DP works out of home, often on location, so as well as paying for half of this expensive home, am I eventually going to be default childcare?

I love my current home and I’ve been so happy here, but I also adore (most of the time!) my DP and have always wanted a family home, I’m just now confused and wondering whether to stay put :-/

That’s a big assumption. We don’t know that

Ya think? This is a man that would save £1000 a month while his partner runs herself ragged doing 2 jobs and looking after his DCs but not being able to save a single penny herself. What are the odds that he'll be fair about spreading the good stuff out all week?

'We will have to tighten our belts' he says, no YOU will OP, he has already been boasting about saving £1000 a month, for the benefit of himself and his two children only.

'We will be better off only having one household to run rather than 2' Again, it is only him that would be better off. Has he been shown this?
Meanwhile you will have a lot more childcare responsibilities, and how will you feel in 10 or 12 years when his kids have a very nice nest egg towards university or even a deposit on their first home, whilst your poor son has nothing, as you'll be unable to save?

If he's been shown all this and still thinks it's OK then he is not a good man OP, sorry to say. He wants the benefits of a blended family but without sharing or comitting to your future. Honestly I would rethink the whole relationship.

We used to have DSC Thu-Sun each week. Our weekend meals would inevitably be more substantial than their everyday midweek meals with mum, not a criticism of her - many households have a Friday or Saturday night takeaway, big family meal like a roast on a Sunday, etc. DSC were either in the house all day on a weekend using tons of electricity and raiding the fridge all day, or needing money spent on day trips. With 4 DSC even a "free" trip out cost a decent amount of money for ice creams or hot chocolate etc. School uniforms, trips etc aside (which DH contributed half towards) the DSC cost substantially more on a weekend than they did in the week.

I think it could go either way. Point is, we don’t know. We don’t even know for a fact that the man intends for the OP to do childcare.

Presumably the OP can ensure her DS gets “the good stuff too” during the rest of the week, albeit on her own budget (which sounds like it might not be a lot which is why she shouldn’t buy this house with this arrangement). The difference here between this man and other men discussed on this board is that this man is not the father of the OP’s child. He has no obligation to provide for the OP’s DC, just like she has no obligation to provide for his.

Not sure why you’re telling me this? The cost for your DSC was mainly driven by you having them on weekends and there being four of them, and not by the scenario Spaceship and then I were talking about.

I think that's how you need to go about it. Explain his comment RE the £1000 a month saved has made you realise you are on different pages financially. And it's also made you think that actually you will be struggling to afford a 4 bed whilst he is happily saving extra, and perhaps that's not the right move. It's honest and I don't see how he can argue it.

At the end of the day he wants the big house, and I'm guessing he needs you in it to afford it too, therefore he benefits from you and SC being there. You need to benefit too.

I think I would be suggesting that if you really want to do this, you get a 3 bed that's more affordable and his DC share a room. If he wants a 4 bed finances need to be massively clarified and some agreements need to be reached.

It's not fair as you say for him to sit there raking it in, whilst you struggle that's not a relationship and when you live together not an appropriate way of doing things.

He has no obligation to provide for the OP’s DC, just like she has no obligation to provide for his.

This attitude is exactly why imho so many blended families fail.

A "family" provides equitably for everyone in it. Anything else leads to resentment.

I'm a SM and mine and my DH's finances are pooled to be fair to everyone.

The children have equivalent savings. We have the same disposable income.

We make decisions that benefit everyone in the family.

If you don't want to live like this, fine. But don't pretend you're a blended family.

You're just two families who share a home.

OP is not married and her boyfriend just keeps talking about how much money HE will save.

I was just illustrating that "the good stuff" tends to happen on a weekend. That's assuming OP's DSC will mainly be there on a weekend

If not and it's weekdays then obviously that won't apply, but then the likelihood of OP being expected to provide weekday childcare increases substantially (like I said previously, imagine the minefield in telling DSC they can't come home after school because dad's not there, or sorry DSC I'm only going to cook tea for my own DC tonight, you need to wait till your dad gets home"

Hi OP
im not sure if this has already been mentioned but does he pay child maintenance? If so he would be able to reduce it once your DC lives with him full time, so there would be further financial gain for him. I think the cms reduces by a seventh for each child who lives with the nrp.

Oh OP, I see so many red flags here and I am really glad you’re putting the brakes on and letting him know.

As you have not lived together before, it’s a massive risk. So many things which could be incompatible, such as parenting styles.

I’m afraid my recommendation would be to reconsider the relationship on the basis that your DP has gone into this with a really selfish/self-serving mindset. I’d struggle to trust him after this. You and your son deserve better.

It's all very well having the financial security that being married brings, but if he's still pocketing £1000 a month spare cash and you have none, it's not an equal partnership

OP is not married and her boyfriend just keeps talking about how much money HE will save.

I understand this perfectly and have said so in previous posts.

The point I was making was to another poster, though it stands in general with the pp's situation.

I would suggest he pays more because he requires the extra bedroom. Otherwise you make his two DC share so you effectively require 1 extra bedroom each. You will be setting yourself up for more outgoings etc just so his kids can have their own room. All you require is a 2 bed for you and your child, now you require a 4 bed. If he's much better off then I would be wanting him to be contributing more towards the mortgage/bills. Also him saving £1000 a month, I would be miffed at this.
Personally, I think moving in with him isn't right at the moment. I would reconsider in a couple of years. X

Same kids/ situation as you -

How we do it:

We deliberately got a cheaper house than we can afford so we both have disposable income, and one of us can afford to buy the other one out and continue living here if we split up.

I put a lot more capital into the house and will pay for further work and I also get bigger expenses like furniture, while DP is paying most of mortgage & bills. He earns more than me. Our contributions are protected by deed of trust if we split up. We have separate accounts. In a few years when we are married and super settled we will both go all in.

His DC share big bedroom. My DS has smaller bedroom to himself & we have a guest room.

DP does most of the shopping and cooking etc when his kids come 50% of the time and I do the rest.

We do morning/ bed time/ school routines with respective children. But we all really get on, do stuff together, help each other out.

Also, not a concern if DS is still in primary school but his access to loans and maintenance will be assessed on the basis of household income not parental income. OP could find herself making a far larger parental contribution on the basis of her DP income.

I agree with you in general. But my point was specific to the OP’s situation. At this stage and going by what the OP says, they are far from actually wanting to blend properly and consider themselves a family.

You’re preaching to the converted though. I started my first post suggesting to the OP to make sure she discussed her childcare concern with her DP as well as the finance issues. Because she could get taken advantage of childcare-wise. But she might not.

DP may suggest getting someone to do after school care since he’ll have spare money. Or say that the kids can go to the grandparents after school and that he won’t put up with them assuming the OP can do it.

Thanks again all, some really useful and interesting opinions.

I'm unsure of how this happened, but our phone conversation this evening seemed to turn to him deciding that I was selfish (I have told him I want to and can currently afford to drop down to 4 days with my permanent job in order to freelance one day per week, therefore freeing up my evenings and weekends - he treated this as though I was behaving in an entitled way for wanting to work PT), that I’m ‘pushing him away’, and acting like his DC are a ‘burden’.

I kept saying ‘I just can’t afford the house, it’s not that I don’t love you or don’t want the same things, I just don’t feel comfortable buying a top end budget house when we’re entering a recession and we haven't had the appropriate financial discussions’.

The mental thing is, it’s not even a 4 bed house, it’s a SIX bed house. I have said there are 4 bed houses that are more on our affordability scale but it’s like I’ve crushed his hopes and dreams by being realistic.

The conversation ended with him very upset saying he needs to decide what’s best for him and his DC as I’ve laid my cards on the table and seem to be only open to what works specifically for me (?) Horrifyingly, I’ve been left feeling like I’m less of a desirable option now that I’ve put the brakes on the big house. Well, I think if that’s the case then I now know everything I need to know.

Ive decided to enjoy a quiet weekend at home with my DS. I won’t be in touch with DP until he can get his head together. Thank you for all the advice. My head would still be spinning this evening had I not written this post and got the replies.

He has the nerve to suggest YOU'RE the one being selfish?

Oh dear, so sorry OP but I think you're right, this does tell you everything you need to know. He sounds like a user.

When someone shows you who they are believe them.

I truly believe that had I posted on MN at a pivotal point in my relationship I wouldn't be in the situation I am now. You are not being selfish.

Wow. How is he proposing you fund your part if you are telling him you can't afford it?

One person here is being selfish and it's not you. You've tried to explain your concerns multiple times, he's not listening as it isn't what he wants to hear.

He just wants a six bed house and a spare grand each month. He doesn’t care if he has to take security and future savings away from you and your child to get it.

Prick.

Well you've well and truly dodged a bullet there haven't you. Well done.

Sorry it’s upsetting to see him reveal his true colours OP but you can be 99% sure his sense of entitlement around your contribution to home and finances would also have seen him expecting you to take over the majority of extra work and childcare associated with his DC lest you be accused of that old chestnut of “acting like his DC are a burden.”

What a selfish, emotionally manipulative man. You’d be doing both yourself and your DC a huge disservice moving in with him,