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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU to insist DSS doesn't come to ours over this weekend?

354 replies

Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 17:15

Me and DH are going away for a long weekend next weekend. It's for my birthday.

My mum is very kindly coming to stay at our house to look after our toddler as it's easier for her with everything here already.

My step son (14) is not due to be with us that weekend hence why we booked it for then.

My husband told me yesterday that DSS is asking if he can stay at ours for the weekend as he wants to go out with a friend who lives closer to us. DH doesn't see the problem.

I'm insistent that he says no. It's too much to ask of my mum. DH doesn't think it will be a problem as he barely needs looking after. I don't think that's the point, it's another child in the house my mum will feel responsible for. How is she supposed to okay him going out with friends and police when he comes home etc... She'd also need to make his meals and things like that and I just do not think it's on to put that on her when she's already doing us such a huge favour.

I do not want to even ask as I know my mum will feel pressure to agree.

I think DH needs to say no on this occasion. We are always happy to have DSS outside of normal contact usually but this time we are away so we can't. If he wants to see this friend he'll have to sort it with his mum.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 07/08/2022 17:20

I would at least ask your mum, if I were you. She's an adult, she should have the opportunity to make her own decision rather than have you make it for her, surely? She may feel (as I would, and your DH does) that a 14yo kipping over because he wants to see a local friend is no big deal.

ilovemyboys3 · 07/08/2022 17:22

It would be an absolute no from me. Tbh my other half would say no to his son also as he wouldn't be there. 14 year olds still need looking after. Your mum shouldn't be responsible for keeping check of his son when he is out and about and who would be responsible if something were to happen 🤷🏻‍♀️

bellac11 · 07/08/2022 17:23

What do you mean by the police, does he go missing a lot?

Lilithslove · 07/08/2022 17:24

I'm with you op. Asking people to do flavours often puts them on the spot and can make people feel like they have to say yes. If your dss is so grown up that he doesn't need looking after then surely it's not a problem for him to make his way there and back on train. Or better yet, he can stay with the mate he is seeing

.

FinallyHere · 07/08/2022 17:29

As so often, this is a DH problem

He is imposing massively on the person who has agreed to look after a toddler to without any discussion, add in a fourteen year old.

If he can't see that, I'd suggest that the deal with your DM is off. And, no, don't ask her whether it's ok. Lots of people would feel obligated to try and accommodate such an ask.

Unless DH would honestly be happy leaving DS alone in the house, it is really not fair.

Might need a gentle reminder

KangarooKenny · 07/08/2022 17:29

Absolutely not.

Original poster
Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 17:30

bellac11 · 07/08/2022 17:23

What do you mean by the police, does he go missing a lot?

No I mean like keep an eye on when he's home, what if he doesn't come home in time, setting rules about when he needs to be in etc... It's not like it involves absolutely no parenting. He often asks can he go here or there or until then with his friends. I don't want my mum being responsible for saying yes or no and so on.

OP posts:
Schooldil3ma · 07/08/2022 17:31

Absolutely not, do t even ask her unless they are especially close and she's like an extra Nan to him?

Original poster
Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 17:32

Schooldil3ma · 07/08/2022 17:31

Absolutely not, do t even ask her unless they are especially close and she's like an extra Nan to him?

No they aren't. She's not a nan to him. I actually think she'd struggle if he were to need disciplining or something. It's just open to be taken the piss out of by a teen imo.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 07/08/2022 17:32

No, your mother should absolutely not be put in this position.
He stays at your house to be with his Dad; it's not a hotel to be used for his convenience when your dh isn't even there.

Original poster
Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 17:34

I think asking her is unfair it puts the onus on her to be the one to say yes or no and disappoint DSS.

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 07/08/2022 17:36

No way, imagine the worry if he doesn't come home when he should or ends up drunk. Definitely not fair and don't ask her as she might feel obliged to say yes. He can see his friends the weekend after when his dad is there and in charge

Petronus · 07/08/2022 17:36

God no - your dh is taking the piss.

bellac11 · 07/08/2022 17:37

Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 17:30

No I mean like keep an eye on when he's home, what if he doesn't come home in time, setting rules about when he needs to be in etc... It's not like it involves absolutely no parenting. He often asks can he go here or there or until then with his friends. I don't want my mum being responsible for saying yes or no and so on.

Show quote history

I totally misread your post!

I would say its right to ask her but also is there no liaison with his mother, who could take responsiblity for the yes and no decisions but your mum just is the relayer of information or something

Original poster
Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 17:37

My mum has never spoken with his mum, I don't even speak to his mum so no I can't expect her to liaise with his mum all weekend.

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 07/08/2022 17:38

No.

Nowhere in your post have you indicated your step-son and mother have a close relationship, so I agree with FinallyHere.

BishFish · 07/08/2022 17:39

@Johnnysgirl - I agree in this instance. However “he stays at your house to be with his dad” sounds a bit strange.

The OP’s house the child’s home too, where he stays part of the time as he lives between two homes - his mums and his dads, which should both feel like home to him.

When he is old enough and doesn’t need babysitting, he will presumably have his own key and be able to spend time there without an adult present, he is not a guest who just stays there occasionally.

Isaidnoalready · 07/08/2022 17:39

All he needs to say is not this weekend we are away how is that difficult?

DuchessDarty · 07/08/2022 17:41

I hope at the very least your DH suggested asking your mum?

It would be a no from me.

An option for the DSC is asking the friend if he could stay over (with permission from DSC’s mum and friends’ parents of course.)

Original poster
Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 17:41

BishFish · 07/08/2022 17:39

@Johnnysgirl - I agree in this instance. However “he stays at your house to be with his dad” sounds a bit strange.

The OP’s house the child’s home too, where he stays part of the time as he lives between two homes - his mums and his dads, which should both feel like home to him.

When he is old enough and doesn’t need babysitting, he will presumably have his own key and be able to spend time there without an adult present, he is not a guest who just stays there occasionally.

I agree with this but he's not at that age yet. Whilst he still needs parenting he can't be here without his parents (or me) imo.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 07/08/2022 17:41

No. And this is a DH issue as PPs say.

If he was 17 responsible and you could just throw some M and S meals in the fridge and tell him to look after himself, that would be different - but at 14 he is still a kid.

Original poster
Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 17:41

DuchessDarty · 07/08/2022 17:41

I hope at the very least your DH suggested asking your mum?

It would be a no from me.

An option for the DSC is asking the friend if he could stay over (with permission from DSC’s mum and friends’ parents of course.)

Yes he wants me to ask. I don't want to even ask though as I think it puts the onus on her of having to say no and disappoint DSS which isn't fair.

OP posts:
uhtredbebbanburg · 07/08/2022 17:42

God no! Your DSS doesn’t really have a relationship with your mum and your mum probably wants to spend some quality time with her GC not be worried about a 14 year old she not related to as well. It’s super unreasonable for it to be even brought up.

Sarahcoggles · 07/08/2022 17:42

bellac11 · 07/08/2022 17:23

What do you mean by the police, does he go missing a lot?

It's the use of the word "police" as a verb. Meaning to essentially monitor and keep in check.
I don't want someone to police what I eat.
We always have to police what they wear.

Ontomatopea · 07/08/2022 17:44

Absolutely not. Your DH is taking the piss. Contact is for him to see dad not his bloody mates and your mum.

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