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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU to insist DSS doesn't come to ours over this weekend?

354 replies

Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 17:15

Me and DH are going away for a long weekend next weekend. It's for my birthday.

My mum is very kindly coming to stay at our house to look after our toddler as it's easier for her with everything here already.

My step son (14) is not due to be with us that weekend hence why we booked it for then.

My husband told me yesterday that DSS is asking if he can stay at ours for the weekend as he wants to go out with a friend who lives closer to us. DH doesn't see the problem.

I'm insistent that he says no. It's too much to ask of my mum. DH doesn't think it will be a problem as he barely needs looking after. I don't think that's the point, it's another child in the house my mum will feel responsible for. How is she supposed to okay him going out with friends and police when he comes home etc... She'd also need to make his meals and things like that and I just do not think it's on to put that on her when she's already doing us such a huge favour.

I do not want to even ask as I know my mum will feel pressure to agree.

I think DH needs to say no on this occasion. We are always happy to have DSS outside of normal contact usually but this time we are away so we can't. If he wants to see this friend he'll have to sort it with his mum.

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 07/08/2022 18:24

Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 17:32

No they aren't. She's not a nan to him. I actually think she'd struggle if he were to need disciplining or something. It's just open to be taken the piss out of by a teen imo.

Show quote history

Why can’t your DH accept this?

DuchessDarty · 07/08/2022 18:24

He wants to avoid saying no to his child, but is happy to say no to you and your mum. 🙄

I don’t get how the DH is happy to say no to the OP and her mum… Am I missing something?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 07/08/2022 18:27

Ask your mother.

At 14 he should be capable of making some sandwiches and if not an easy meal then some microwave meals.

If there's an issue then your mum can ring his mum and she can discipline him or collect him.

It seems a lot of drama for something that needn't be a big deal. He might like a weekend with a granny figure and his sibling.

ImHavingAnOldFriendForDinner · 07/08/2022 18:27

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 07/08/2022 18:01

Also why is nobody allowed to say no to stepkids as seems to be a theme on here. They cannot get their own way all the time and that is just fact and the guilty parent needs to face up to this.

@BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants because everyone feels that as these kids come from a "broken home" that they should never be told no and should always be included in absolutely everything even if it isn't appropriate. The step kids should be aware at all times that they are number 1 even above kids that come later with a step parent. Then you end up with kids aged 24 and 26 who are massively entitled brats who still can't be told no!! 🤯

Can you tell I've been doing this a while and it drives me mental!!

SurfBox · 07/08/2022 18:28

Agree with you op, considering your mum and him aren't even related it's an inappropriate request.

RedWingBoots · 07/08/2022 18:28

DuchessDarty · 07/08/2022 18:24

He wants to avoid saying no to his child, but is happy to say no to you and your mum. 🙄

I don’t get how the DH is happy to say no to the OP and her mum… Am I missing something?

Because he cares more about keeping his eldest child, who is a teenager and maybe difficult because he is a teenager, happy than the well-being of the OP and his MIL.

MzHz · 07/08/2022 18:31

“Sorry DSS,
we’re away that weekend, so. It possible I’m afraid”

DuchessDarty · 07/08/2022 18:31

RedWingBoots · 07/08/2022 18:28

Because he cares more about keeping his eldest child, who is a teenager and maybe difficult because he is a teenager, happy than the well-being of the OP and his MIL.

Show quote history

Eh? That doesn’t follow. Where has the DH said no to the OP?

This shouldn’t be a big deal. The OP needs to make it clear to her DH she’s not asking her mother. She hasn’t said yet whether she’s done this. She may well have, the DH may have accepted that and there may no longer be an issue.

ImHavingAnOldFriendForDinner · 07/08/2022 18:31

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 07/08/2022 18:27

Ask your mother.

At 14 he should be capable of making some sandwiches and if not an easy meal then some microwave meals.

If there's an issue then your mum can ring his mum and she can discipline him or collect him.

It seems a lot of drama for something that needn't be a big deal. He might like a weekend with a granny figure and his sibling.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor the only drama is that the husband won't tell his child no but is happy to inconvenience the op and her mother. The op has already said that her Mum isn't a grandparent figure so why would he look forward to spending the weekend there? It's not his weekend, his dad and step-mum are away so it should just be a flat no. No drama just no.

Lilithslove · 07/08/2022 18:32

Why can't the dh ask his own mother given that she is a grandparent to both of them? Surely if it's no problem then he can just do that.

Johnnysgirl · 07/08/2022 18:32

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 07/08/2022 18:27

Ask your mother.

At 14 he should be capable of making some sandwiches and if not an easy meal then some microwave meals.

If there's an issue then your mum can ring his mum and she can discipline him or collect him.

It seems a lot of drama for something that needn't be a big deal. He might like a weekend with a granny figure and his sibling.

And the Granny figure might not! As if she wouldn't get a say Hmm
He's planning to go out with his mates, not hang out with op's mum, and she'd have the whole responsibility of keeping track of what time he comes home at, worrying if he's late, etc, when she hasn't signed up for this. Why on earth should she?
It's not adopt a fucking Granny week.

RedWingBoots · 07/08/2022 18:33

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 07/08/2022 18:27

Ask your mother.

At 14 he should be capable of making some sandwiches and if not an easy meal then some microwave meals.

If there's an issue then your mum can ring his mum and she can discipline him or collect him.

It seems a lot of drama for something that needn't be a big deal. He might like a weekend with a granny figure and his sibling.

The OP and her SS mother have no contact with one another, so it is highly inappropriate for the OP's mother to contract the SS mother. (The reasons for the lack of contact are irrelevant.)

To put it in a nutshell while it is the SS other home the OP's mother is not his grandmother and doesn't have a close relationship with him so it is inappropriate for the OP's mother to look after him.

DuchessDarty · 07/08/2022 18:33

I realise what I wrote about “how” was ambiguous @RedWingBoots

What I meant was, how did the PP come to the conclusion the DH is saying no to the OP and her mother, as there’s nothing in the OP’s posts about him doing so.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 07/08/2022 18:34

Johnnysgirl · 07/08/2022 18:32

And the Granny figure might not! As if she wouldn't get a say Hmm
He's planning to go out with his mates, not hang out with op's mum, and she'd have the whole responsibility of keeping track of what time he comes home at, worrying if he's late, etc, when she hasn't signed up for this. Why on earth should she?
It's not adopt a fucking Granny week.

Show quote history

That's why I said to ask her first, why so agressive?

FinallyHere · 07/08/2022 18:34

DH here was thoughtlessly thinking his DSS would require little extra “work”.

This smacks to me of a 'D'H who isn't very involved in parenting so does not appreciate how much there is to it.

Or possibly doesn't think beyond his own convenience.

Either way .... it boils down to the fact that he doesn't want to say no to his DS but is perfectly happy for your mother to be asked to parent the same child, with whom she does not have an existing strong relationship.

Can he honestly not see what a big ask this would be? And what a bad idea?

Workawayxx · 07/08/2022 18:35

I’d say no. Your dh could say to DSS that you’re going away so nobody to look after him and that toddler with be with gran. Slight lie by omission but I think that’s fair in this case. Maybe your DH can offer to pay for a taxi back from friends to his mum’s if DSS is generally a good kid and feeling a bit sensitive just now about things.

MeridianB · 07/08/2022 18:35

phoneybaloney · 07/08/2022 18:21

He wants to avoid saying no to his child, but is happy to say no to you and your mum. 🙄 Is he always like that?

Surely him and his friend are both on their six weeks holidays. Can't you suggest he meets up with his friend mid week at yours when you're back from your weekend away?? Why does it HAVE to be on the very weekend you are away? Sounds like another way of making it known he's not happy with how things are tbh. And he's entitled to feel his feelings but your dh should be parenting not pandering.

This. Your DH is being unreasonable- especially wanting you to ask your mum. It’s not fair on her.

Stick to your guns.

DuchessDarty · 07/08/2022 18:36

Lilithslove · 07/08/2022 18:32

Why can't the dh ask his own mother given that she is a grandparent to both of them? Surely if it's no problem then he can just do that.

That would be a good solution for next time, but the OP’s mum has already agreed to do it. She may be really looking forward to a weekend with her toddler grandchild.

Johnnysgirl · 07/08/2022 18:36

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 07/08/2022 18:34

That's why I said to ask her first, why so agressive?

Show quote history

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound aggressive.
You were selling it from the kid's point of view, (he might like, etc) when he's got no say in it.

girlmom21 · 07/08/2022 18:38

Would your DH normally be ok leaving DSS home alone?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 07/08/2022 18:38

Johnnysgirl · 07/08/2022 18:36

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound aggressive.
You were selling it from the kid's point of view, (he might like, etc) when he's got no say in it.

Show quote history

No,I just meant there seems to be the presumption that he'll be out all night wreaking havoc, any problems granny can ring his mother,doesn't need to get involved more than that.

Original poster
Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 18:39

girlmom21 · 07/08/2022 18:38

Would your DH normally be ok leaving DSS home alone?

No, for a day yes but certainly not all weekend

OP posts:
Cascais · 07/08/2022 18:39

How far between houses

Original poster
Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 18:40

Cascais · 07/08/2022 18:39

How far between houses

About 35 mins

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 07/08/2022 18:41

In that case I'd definitely say no. If he thought that DSS could basically look after himself and not inconvenience your DM he might have a point but certainly not if he actually needs childcare.