AIBU to insist DSS doesn't come to ours over this weekend?

[Weekendawaynightmare]

Me and DH are going away for a long weekend next weekend. It's for my birthday.

My mum is very kindly coming to stay at our house to look after our toddler as it's easier for her with everything here already.

My step son (14) is not due to be with us that weekend hence why we booked it for then.

My husband told me yesterday that DSS is asking if he can stay at ours for the weekend as he wants to go out with a friend who lives closer to us. DH doesn't see the problem.

I'm insistent that he says no. It's too much to ask of my mum. DH doesn't think it will be a problem as he barely needs looking after. I don't think that's the point, it's another child in the house my mum will feel responsible for. How is she supposed to okay him going out with friends and police when he comes home etc... She'd also need to make his meals and things like that and I just do not think it's on to put that on her when she's already doing us such a huge favour.

I do not want to even ask as I know my mum will feel pressure to agree.

I think DH needs to say no on this occasion. We are always happy to have DSS outside of normal contact usually but this time we are away so we can't. If he wants to see this friend he'll have to sort it with his mum.

There’s been no indication from the OP that his own mother won’t look after or out for him.

The request came from the 14 year old directly.

The OP sounds perfectly reasonable, I don’t agree with PP that she sounds like she has a problem with the DSC. She said in her very first post that she and her DH were always happy to accommodate the boy out of normal contact hours usually. This is an occasion of not being able to do so for practical reasons.

A 14 yo definitely needs supervision for a night.

I see you’ve got it sorted so it doesn’t matter, but IMO YABU.

My son is around that age and he would be extremely well behaved for someone else, so I wouldn’t worry about that, plus I’d offer money for him to get takeaways or some frozen pizzas etc so that your mum would not have to cook for him.

But I also know my own mum well enough to know that I could say “please say no if you don’t want to” to her and she would. I would also just say “it’s not going to work” if she did say no, so that it wouldn’t put her in the position of being the bad guy.

It’s sorted as you said no

but intrigued is dss still seeing his friend and mum taking. And collecting him

Hi,

I definitely agree with the OP, it is not her Mum's responsibility to look after a child that she has no relationship with.
I wouldn't ask her neither as it wouldn't be fair to put her on the spot.
Did DSS know that you were going away this weekend? If he did then it's interesting that he's asked even though he knew you were away. I'm wondering was he hoping to have had the place to himself, if he wasn't aware your Mum was staying over!
Like others have said, he can see his friends the next weekend he stays. Unless of course he's asking due to a special occasion (perhaps a friend's having a party for example and he doesn't want to feel left out, which is understandable but then it is up to his Mum to arrange!)
I can imagine having a toddler that you do not get away very often and you want to be able to enjoy this time, not be worrying about how your Mum is coping looking after a child she doesn't know!
I would definitely put your foot down with your husband and be firm and say no! Is your Mum expected to be a taxi too and pick up his son when needed etc, with a toddler in tow? Late nights, disrupting routine etc.
Like others have said, what if something happened, responsibility etc?
To be honest, if I was DSS's Mum then I would be saying no as I wouldn't want my child staying with someone they don't know.
Good luck, hope you sort it out and enjoy your weekend! x

It might sound reasonable "on paper" but OP knows her mother and sounds like mum would feel obliged to say yes. It's a big ask to look after a young adolescent boy as well as a toddler. Also it takes away from her special time alone with her very young grandchild. It's only a friend arrangement the boy has. OP has best knowledge and instinct, it's not generally nice to set up a favour and then load another factor into it after its an agreed arrangement - in any circumstance. i wouldnt be happy if this was done to me.

Ive been in this situation yes its painful for the child. But as long as you are otherwise welcoming and supportive he needs to have boundaries given, and after all it's not a refusal to come stay with Dad and you. I think its even positively a bad idea to say yes to him, to feel safe he needs to understand it's inconvenient for reasons which are nothing to do with how loved he is.

OP has already very reasonably pointed out how difficult that is. Also for the toddler. Mum would have to settle them down outside of their environment and bed, also probably a load of stuff to carry over etc. All this rearrangement because SS has made a late request. Even in non split families adolescents sometimes have to understand that it's a no, part of growing up.

It would be a hard no from me!

@Weekendawaynightmare My DS dad has a partner, been with each other for a long time, my DS refuses to go there because of her attitude towards him, he feels like a guest in what should be his home away from home, his home with his dad! She’s not horrible to him, she doesn’t have much of a filter which doesn’t help and DS is pretty sensitive. But ultimately he feels like a guest. Being with someone with a child, you should accept that child fully as part of the family, integrating as much as you can. What is the harm in asking your mum, she says it’s to much and she can’t, fair enough. You can then explain to DS that you have had the conversation but unfortunately it’s a no this time. He sees you try for him, genuinely making the effort.
Its really hard having step parents, especially ones that are not willing to embrace you, whether that be conscious or unconscious.

No way.

@SofaLola33
"He sees you try for him, genuinely making the effort."

He sees his Mum changing her plans and foisting him off onto a virtual stranger for a weekend instead of organizing transport for him for a 35min journey! When he's older, he's going to think, wow, that was weird.

What is it with people's inability to just say no to children on this forum. I've never known anything like it. The amount of ridiculous pandering that goes on to just avoid saying a two letter word every child should be able to hear every now and then without it ruining their childhood or requiring therapy is astounding.

Ffs they have this weekend booked, i see no indication it would be a problem other weekends.

If the toddler cries and says mummy an hour after leaving do they have to come home for them too?

The fact that dss is expecting to come shows he is welcome usually. But his dad and step mum are not there this weekend so not unreasonable to say no.

No he can't stay this weekend, but next weekend he can and he can have his friend over as well?

Could he stay over at his friend's?

You know as a step child this thread is making me think I missed a trick as a teen.

I wish I had known I could have pulled all manner of crp and guilted my parents into all manner of teenage dreams just because I was in a step family.

Probably wouldn't have worked though because my partners loved me enough to say no on occasion and didn't feel the need to bend at every point to "try" or apologise for our family set up.

Can't imagine what it would have been like if they consistently acted like our family was something to apologise for at every turn. Or what type of person I would be.

Christ

You sound as if you have a few issues Sofa, she’s not showing lack of empathy at all it’s just a case of logistics! He can’t be at Dads as dad isn’t going to be there. I wouldn’t leave my dd home alone without one of us here does that show lack of empathy??? Asking the op’s mum to have him is too much on top of a toddler. This won’t emotionally scar him!

My statement isn't and wasn't silly. It is from my own experience as a step-child, SM and knowing many others through my life.

Regardless a child especially one under 16 doesn't get to call the shots where their parents live.

I wouldn't have dreamed of trying it. Mine were all too wise plus they would have relations, neighbours and friends who would have reported on any poor behaviour.

What a typical load of bollocks from the anti- step mother brigade. Who once again lurk on the step parenting board to castigate a woman who has the audacity to have a relationship and child with a man who has a child from a previous relationship.

Only here do I see the unutterable clap trap and pandering to the mantra of 'equality for sc in ALL things but with an added dose of encouraging entitlement.

If this situation was reversed and the mother had planned a weekend away for her birthday with HER partner whilst SM and Dad looked after the 14yr old but 14yr old decided he didn't want to go and instead stay home with a random house sitter .. I bet you wouldn't be pandering to the kid then !

No things aren't 'equal' as a step kid. V few sc have genuinely 50/50 parenting from bio parents. V few have 'two homes' . They have a place they call home and a place they stay regularly. Just 'saying' it's their home doesn't make it so - just to be right-on politically correct.

At 14 there is 'home' where you follow the rules but have a more familiar ability to come and go. (Normally) it's your mothers place and she and possibly a partner assume your permanent residence and provide basic round the clock parenting. It is a default .
At the place your other parent lives - it is a a much loved and wanted guest. Where comings and goings need to be more planned for practical reasons of parenting as usually the second home is the fathers home and he is also generally out working so needs to plan the parenting on an as/when basis.

As the child gets to 16/17 both homes become more accessible in an ad-hoc basis because the need to parental supervision diminishes. It's not what the 'equality' agenda on here what's to hear but the standard set up which is still the most prevalent of EOI weekend visits to dad .. does NOT make it an 'equal' home with 'equal' access until they are much older.

As a step child and a step mother to 5 (with three of my own) .. I have never considered my home to be my SC 'second home' until 3 moved in - post 16. Then my home became their home and their mums was a place they visited when it was convenient to her , by giving her notice of their intentions.
All children need boundaries. They need to know that they are part of a family not an omnipresent being with parents and step parents hovering around them to pander to every desire.
That behaviour leads to the breeding of some very unpleasant character traits .

@RedWingBoots so your experience means you think in every SC situation both their houses are fully or partly owned by someone not related to the child. You realise that just because your anecdotal evidence suggests that doesn’t mean it’s true right?

Try not are you ignoring what you read on this board. It’s quite clear from this board that there are many incidents where at least one house out of the two is fully owned by someone/someones related to the child.

It was an emotive statement, not a factual one.

There’s nothing in the OP’s posts to suggest this. I know that your SC were adults when you became a SM and you don’t have children of your own so perhaps this is just naivety on your part, but just because the 14yo asked his dad doesn’t mean his mum knows he did. Very common for 14yos to communicate with their parents and arrange coming over directly.

Even if his mother knew he asked, that doesn’t mean she knew the father and OP would be away. There was no reason for her to know that. As PPs have said, the 14yo may have been trying it on.

It may not be easy for the mother to get the 14yo to the biking event/friend’s house and back. And the reasons why may be very reasonable; doesn’t mean she’s selfish and negligent. For example: Public transport may not be an option. She may not drive. And a 35 minute taxi ride can be very expensive.

@DuchessDarty you are going off track somewhat, and this is what @RedWingBoots actually said:

"Yes they are different but neither homes are fully owned by the dad. They are owned in full or part by people not related to the child. As a PP pointed out often the house is fully owned and paid for by the partner."

I don't know where you are posting from, but in the UK, Mums historically have usually been awarded the marital home, at least until the youngest child is 18. So if she then gives house room to a new partner (often a divorced Dad without a family home for the above reasons), he has no financial interest in the roof over his head.

Dad's who get financially burnt in a divorce have a tendency to prioritise finding financially independent partners with their own home from then on....

Yes I get that @SpaceshiptoMars

I know what RedWingBoots said, I quoted her above and then went by that quote.

“Neither homes are fully owned by the dad”: this may not be true in many circumstances, he may own where he lives, I know plenty of separated men who do.

“They (as in “both houses”) are owned full or in part by someone not related to the child”: this isn’t always going to be true for BOTH houses.

Can someone explain to me (obvious thicko that I am) why exactly who owns what is relevant to why a teenager should be allowed to stay alone when their parent and step parent isn't there ?

Say it's dads house unlikely (given the Uk set up but sure it happens. Why would sm or even sm not be able to say no sorry we have plans that doesn't work.

Most mums have custodial responsibility therefore the assumed (but not always) default is that's there home. Sure dads might also be classed as home to them depending on the set up but it doesn't matter. When you divorce your entitled to half anyhow. But within each house/home, the adults are in charge both sms/dad/mum can say no to DSC . I can promise you they won't break or be traumatised by it.

@RedWingBoots right ?!? Like I would have been ratted on so badly if I had tried a stunt like that. I personally think it's baffling people think this mentality is for the better of the child, opposed to actually what it is which is harmful and creates problematic behaviour

Ffs sm or mum**