AIBU to insist DSS doesn't come to ours over this weekend?

[Weekendawaynightmare]

Me and DH are going away for a long weekend next weekend. It's for my birthday.

My mum is very kindly coming to stay at our house to look after our toddler as it's easier for her with everything here already.

My step son (14) is not due to be with us that weekend hence why we booked it for then.

My husband told me yesterday that DSS is asking if he can stay at ours for the weekend as he wants to go out with a friend who lives closer to us. DH doesn't see the problem.

I'm insistent that he says no. It's too much to ask of my mum. DH doesn't think it will be a problem as he barely needs looking after. I don't think that's the point, it's another child in the house my mum will feel responsible for. How is she supposed to okay him going out with friends and police when he comes home etc... She'd also need to make his meals and things like that and I just do not think it's on to put that on her when she's already doing us such a huge favour.

I do not want to even ask as I know my mum will feel pressure to agree.

I think DH needs to say no on this occasion. We are always happy to have DSS outside of normal contact usually but this time we are away so we can't. If he wants to see this friend he'll have to sort it with his mum.

Could your DC go for a sleepover at Granny's house? Then there's no one in, no question of DSS staying over?

Yup. Its incredibly unfair to try and intrude on her bonding time with her grandchild. She's doing you a favour. DH needs to learn some respect

Yes fair enough, I was just checking that he at least suggested it!

I agree, you shouldn’t put her in that position and tbh your DH should have said no to his DSC straight off.

Just say no
or don't go away for the weekend

Just tell DH its a flat no. You're not putting the responsibility on your mum's shoulders. A 14 year-old needs parenting and their no parents there to do that...simple as that.

That sounds absolutely shit

Shouldn't be hard should it. But nooo can't upset the first born.

It's easier for her here as all toddlers things are here. She would prefer to be here. I don't see why we need to pander to it this much personally.

Your husband is being incredibly cheeky O_o, sure way to never have a babysitter in the future.

I agree. It just needs a no, not this weekend as dad's not here.

Don't ask her as it would put her in an awkward position.

Your husband is not her manager so cannot decide how she spends her time. She is doing you a favour. He isn't there so he needs to say no. It really is very simple.

For context, DSS is having a hard time about having to split between mum and dad's. He's brought it up with us before and how it ruins being able to see friends and do the things he wants so I think DH is being hyper sensitive at the moment to making anything difficult for him.

You want your Mum to find the weekend manageable, even enjoyable, so that she volunteers to do it again next time you want a weekend break. Adding in DSs risks it being too much trouble for her, putting her off volunteering in future. I'd suggest pointing this out to your DH.

Tough. They should have thought of that before when they got a divorce.

Oh give it a rest.

We don’t even know if the DSS is the firstborn or if the DH has an even older child.

The DH here was thoughtlessly thinking his DSS would require little extra “work”. It doesn’t necessarily follow he never wants to say no to the DSS.

It’s very very unfair to ask her and put her on the spot. I would be furious to be put in that position, say no anyway but be cross at being asked and not offer to babysit again for more than a couple of hours for very long time!
presumably this child has his own grandparents? Can they help out?

Can't your stepson stay over at hos friends house

no your husband needs to realise its a big ask and that he is taking the piss

I think your dh has to imagine this - just for this particular scenario - as if you, your joint dc, & his new MIL don't exist.

Because none of these people are responsible for his ds - that would be him & the boy's mum.

So assuming they'd separated & he was living alone, but having his ds to stay, would he & his ex be happy with 14yo ds having the run of his dad's place in dad's absence?

I'm guessing probably not. So - given your dm has no relationship with his ds - he needs to proceed accordingly.

'Sorry ds, I'm not going to be at home that weekend, so you can't come over.'

Job done.

I'm honestly not really sure of the ins and outs of the situation but I did say this to DH. DSS is a bit of a home bird though, he doesn't like staying out although he's getting better so probably could now if he had to.

I was all set to say yes, as my.approach to all our children (mine and DH's) is to say "our door is always open"... But in this situation I think you are right to worry about what is fair on your mum too.

(presumably you arent going away on DSS's usual weekend to be with you both? Because that would be unreasonable)

Totally depends on the child, for example my dd aged 13 would actually be a help in this situation (take care of animals / help tidy etc)
She is really sensible and has never been late, plus my house is her house

I would say no and stick to it. Why can't his own mum drive him over or have his friend over to their house, that is a simple solution. Not fair on your mum to have that worry over her head and she is doing you a big favour coming over so a big no from me also.

There are lots of variables here;

The ability to look after himself - how mature he is.

What his behaviour is generally like.

Your DM's relationship with DSS and how much involvement she has/wants.

How far away his DM lives.

If I place my same age DS in this position I know he would be able to follow the basic rules of behaviour/coming home. I know he would be helpful around the house and no bother. I also know my parents (or DPs parents) would be fine with it. He'd either be out with mates, eating at home or gaming.

So of it were me, I'd ask.