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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU to insist DSS doesn't come to ours over this weekend?

354 replies

Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 17:15

Me and DH are going away for a long weekend next weekend. It's for my birthday.

My mum is very kindly coming to stay at our house to look after our toddler as it's easier for her with everything here already.

My step son (14) is not due to be with us that weekend hence why we booked it for then.

My husband told me yesterday that DSS is asking if he can stay at ours for the weekend as he wants to go out with a friend who lives closer to us. DH doesn't see the problem.

I'm insistent that he says no. It's too much to ask of my mum. DH doesn't think it will be a problem as he barely needs looking after. I don't think that's the point, it's another child in the house my mum will feel responsible for. How is she supposed to okay him going out with friends and police when he comes home etc... She'd also need to make his meals and things like that and I just do not think it's on to put that on her when she's already doing us such a huge favour.

I do not want to even ask as I know my mum will feel pressure to agree.

I think DH needs to say no on this occasion. We are always happy to have DSS outside of normal contact usually but this time we are away so we can't. If he wants to see this friend he'll have to sort it with his mum.

OP posts:
DuchessDarty · 07/08/2022 18:41

Have you firmly told your DH no, you’re not asking your mother yet @Weekendawaynightmare ?

RightMessUp · 07/08/2022 18:47

Oh my, I'm so out of touch. 😅😅. I'd have not even considered that this might be a problem unless there was something wrong with the 14 year old. Why would your Mum have to cook for him? Your Mum might even like to get to know him?

I'm not a step parent and have never been a step child so maybe that's why I wouldn't have considered that this might be a problem.

Nanny0gg · 07/08/2022 18:52

bellac11 · 07/08/2022 17:23

What do you mean by the police, does he go missing a lot?

In this context it means to keep an eye on and make sure he does what he's told

Nanny0gg · 07/08/2022 18:54

Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 17:15

Me and DH are going away for a long weekend next weekend. It's for my birthday.

My mum is very kindly coming to stay at our house to look after our toddler as it's easier for her with everything here already.

My step son (14) is not due to be with us that weekend hence why we booked it for then.

My husband told me yesterday that DSS is asking if he can stay at ours for the weekend as he wants to go out with a friend who lives closer to us. DH doesn't see the problem.

I'm insistent that he says no. It's too much to ask of my mum. DH doesn't think it will be a problem as he barely needs looking after. I don't think that's the point, it's another child in the house my mum will feel responsible for. How is she supposed to okay him going out with friends and police when he comes home etc... She'd also need to make his meals and things like that and I just do not think it's on to put that on her when she's already doing us such a huge favour.

I do not want to even ask as I know my mum will feel pressure to agree.

I think DH needs to say no on this occasion. We are always happy to have DSS outside of normal contact usually but this time we are away so we can't. If he wants to see this friend he'll have to sort it with his mum.

I'm not overfond of having that responsibility for my own DGC and I can discipline them if necessary

I assume your mum wouldn't be able to do that?

I wouldn't want the worry

Nanny0gg · 07/08/2022 18:56

Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 17:49

For context, DSS is having a hard time about having to split between mum and dad's. He's brought it up with us before and how it ruins being able to see friends and do the things he wants so I think DH is being hyper sensitive at the moment to making anything difficult for him.

And he doesn't want to be the bad guy...

Cherrysherbet · 07/08/2022 18:56

No. It’s not fair on your mum.
Your Dh should have said no straight away. It will now look like you or your mum has said no, and that’s not ok. Gets him off the hook, and makes you look like the bad guys.

HannahSternDefoe · 07/08/2022 18:58

@Weekendawaynightmare Can your toddler "go on holiday" to your Mums for the weekend?
Nobody home = no teen there and no unreasonable expectations of your Mum.

mam0918 · 07/08/2022 18:59

bellac11 · 07/08/2022 17:23

What do you mean by the police, does he go missing a lot?

eh?

she said to 'police when he comes home' it means to know where he is and what hes up to (pretty imposible with a teenage whose friends you dont know and who you have no real responsability over so might push the boundries and not listen to here).

I have NEVER been babysat/stayed over with any of my step-parents parents not even my stepdads father who was a proper grandfather to me.

I agree its wierd and I would not ask, this is not your or your mothers responsability his visitation is because of his father who wont be there.

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 07/08/2022 18:59

Is your DSS's mum even aware that your DH isn't going to be there and that her son will be left with a virtual stranger to look after him? I can't imagine she would necessarily be over the moon about this

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/08/2022 19:00

I'd say no. But your DH needs to understand why, sort this out himself and not make you feel guilty about it.

DS can stay with his Mum as arranged. His mates will still be there next weekend.

BobDear · 07/08/2022 19:01

I would explain to DH that the reason I am not going to ask my mum is because she'd probably end up saying yes out of guilt/pressure BUT it would make her very anxious to be responsible and it's a completely unreasonable ask.

Offer up:

DH speaks to friends parents to try to orchestrate sleepover at theirs
Inviting friend over to yours when you are around to supervise both boys
DH pays for a taxi back to his mums house (you said 35mins so not far) at the end of the evening with his friend.

Or any of a number alternatives.

I would also find it really important that my DH understood why it wasn't fair to ask and was on board with my point of view

Wheresmymoneytree · 07/08/2022 19:01

Can his mum drop him off at his friends in the morning and pick him up in the evening, but your house be a base for him to go back to during the day should the need arise? And then he knows he has somewhere close by should he need it?

Lilithslove · 07/08/2022 19:02

Would DSC's mum even be ok with having your mum look after him, given that presumably she's never even met her? I can't imagine dad's mum wanting to leave her children in the care of a stranger to save a 35 minute journey.

bumpytrumpy · 07/08/2022 19:02

BishFish · 07/08/2022 17:39

@Johnnysgirl - I agree in this instance. However “he stays at your house to be with his dad” sounds a bit strange.

The OP’s house the child’s home too, where he stays part of the time as he lives between two homes - his mums and his dads, which should both feel like home to him.

When he is old enough and doesn’t need babysitting, he will presumably have his own key and be able to spend time there without an adult present, he is not a guest who just stays there occasionally.

I think this is a big presumption that is likely not true

Ontomatopea · 07/08/2022 19:04

Lilithslove · 07/08/2022 18:32

Why can't the dh ask his own mother given that she is a grandparent to both of them? Surely if it's no problem then he can just do that.

Bit unfair on OP's mum who might be looking forward to looking after her GC

greatblueheron · 07/08/2022 19:07

Johnnysgirl · 07/08/2022 17:32

No, your mother should absolutely not be put in this position.
He stays at your house to be with his Dad; it's not a hotel to be used for his convenience when your dh isn't even there.

Exactly this if she isn't acting as a grandparent to him, which you've said she isn't.

Ontomatopea · 07/08/2022 19:07

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 07/08/2022 18:38

No,I just meant there seems to be the presumption that he'll be out all night wreaking havoc, any problems granny can ring his mother,doesn't need to get involved more than that.

Show quote history

"Granny" might not want to speak to some random person about a random kid she hardly knows

SpaceshiptoMars · 07/08/2022 19:08

To all those 'it's his home, he should have the right to come and go as he pleases types', think on this.

Very often in 2nd family setups, the house is owned by the wife, insured by the wife, maintained by the wife. The DH's money is tied up in the ex's home, and that is his main asset, leaving little to put towards housing the new family.

If the SM casually allows an irresponsible DSC to take it over in her absence, she shoulders consequences if he sets light to the kitchen, say, by leaving a chip pan on the heat. If the insurance company refuse to pay out, it is SM, not Dad that is on the hook financially. And Dad may well not have the money to recompense her.

Ontomatopea · 07/08/2022 19:09

Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 18:40

About 35 mins

Show quote history

Even more ridiculous then. He can get to his friends from there or mum can have friend for a sleepover. Why doesn't mum want him, it's her turn to spend time with him after all. I feel sorry for him that mum's like, yeah go to dad's an extra weekend I don't care.

Ontomatopea · 07/08/2022 19:10

SpaceshiptoMars · 07/08/2022 19:08

To all those 'it's his home, he should have the right to come and go as he pleases types', think on this.

Very often in 2nd family setups, the house is owned by the wife, insured by the wife, maintained by the wife. The DH's money is tied up in the ex's home, and that is his main asset, leaving little to put towards housing the new family.

If the SM casually allows an irresponsible DSC to take it over in her absence, she shoulders consequences if he sets light to the kitchen, say, by leaving a chip pan on the heat. If the insurance company refuse to pay out, it is SM, not Dad that is on the hook financially. And Dad may well not have the money to recompense her.

Yup! Thank you! There's no way I'd leave my DSC in my house alone.

DuchessDarty · 07/08/2022 19:14

Ontomatopea · 07/08/2022 19:09

Even more ridiculous then. He can get to his friends from there or mum can have friend for a sleepover. Why doesn't mum want him, it's her turn to spend time with him after all. I feel sorry for him that mum's like, yeah go to dad's an extra weekend I don't care.

Show quote history

Why are you still projecting/reading too much into this and trying to create a narrative where the DSC and DM are to blame? JFC.

We know the DSC asked. We don’t know if his mum knows that.

The OP was given loads of advice to say no. She came on to then answer some questions but has not answered yet whether she has told the DH no. The longer the OP goes without saying whether she’s told him no, the more wild assumptions and speculation and blaming others besides the DH will occur. Perhaps that was the intention.

BungleandGeorge · 07/08/2022 19:15

Unreasonable, I’d say no and not put your mum in that position. I don’t see the need if it’s 35 minutes away from his mums. Perhaps they’re not getting on? Or she has said no or wouldn’t approve of whatever he is planning to do? I’d get your dh to ring his mum to tell her not possible but mainly to make her aware that he’s requested to stay when you’re not there

Ontomatopea · 07/08/2022 19:16

DuchessDarty · 07/08/2022 19:14

Why are you still projecting/reading too much into this and trying to create a narrative where the DSC and DM are to blame? JFC.

We know the DSC asked. We don’t know if his mum knows that.

The OP was given loads of advice to say no. She came on to then answer some questions but has not answered yet whether she has told the DH no. The longer the OP goes without saying whether she’s told him no, the more wild assumptions and speculation and blaming others besides the DH will occur. Perhaps that was the intention.

Show quote history

Because presumably he's asked his mum? Otherwise what's he going to do? Just not be there? I doubt mum wants to miss out on time with him, if she does then I feel sorry for him. KFC.

Stripedbag101 · 07/08/2022 19:16

bellac11 · 07/08/2022 17:23

What do you mean by the police, does he go missing a lot?

I assume a child of that age has a curfew and the mum would have to ensure he sticks to it?

most parents of teens now track them on iPhones - it’s a big responsibility to look after a teen. I would look after my 13 nephew but I know him really well and know his friends and their parents.

it depends how well OP’s mum knows the boy

diddl · 07/08/2022 19:16

Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 17:34

I think asking her is unfair it puts the onus on her to be the one to say yes or no and disappoint DSS.

I agree-don't ask her in case she feels that she has to say yes.

Can he stay with his friend if as according to his dad he's so little trouble?