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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU to insist DSS doesn't come to ours over this weekend?

354 replies

Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 17:15

Me and DH are going away for a long weekend next weekend. It's for my birthday.

My mum is very kindly coming to stay at our house to look after our toddler as it's easier for her with everything here already.

My step son (14) is not due to be with us that weekend hence why we booked it for then.

My husband told me yesterday that DSS is asking if he can stay at ours for the weekend as he wants to go out with a friend who lives closer to us. DH doesn't see the problem.

I'm insistent that he says no. It's too much to ask of my mum. DH doesn't think it will be a problem as he barely needs looking after. I don't think that's the point, it's another child in the house my mum will feel responsible for. How is she supposed to okay him going out with friends and police when he comes home etc... She'd also need to make his meals and things like that and I just do not think it's on to put that on her when she's already doing us such a huge favour.

I do not want to even ask as I know my mum will feel pressure to agree.

I think DH needs to say no on this occasion. We are always happy to have DSS outside of normal contact usually but this time we are away so we can't. If he wants to see this friend he'll have to sort it with his mum.

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 07/08/2022 18:01

Also why is nobody allowed to say no to stepkids as seems to be a theme on here. They cannot get their own way all the time and that is just fact and the guilty parent needs to face up to this.

Daleksatemyshed · 07/08/2022 18:01

Surely he can come over and see his friend in the day then go home again? I wouldn't ask your DM, she's doing you a favour already. Tell your DH if your DM is kind enough to give you a break then he shouldn't take the piss

DuchessDarty · 07/08/2022 18:02

sashagabadon · 07/08/2022 17:52

It’s very very unfair to ask her and put her on the spot. I would be furious to be put in that position, say no anyway but be cross at being asked and not offer to babysit again for more than a couple of hours for very long time!
presumably this child has his own grandparents? Can they help out?

presumably this child has his own grandparents? Can they help out?

@sashagabadon if they live near the friend and therefore by the OP then yes, perhaps they can. But presumably if they did, the OP would have already suggested that. The crux here for the DSC being location rather than the need for childcare.

Rinatinabina · 07/08/2022 18:03

No, you can’t just fling extra kids at someone who’s already doing you a massive favour. Your Dh is being very unreasonable.

Bpdqueen · 07/08/2022 18:03

Don't even ask your mum it's unfair. Your stepson choices are stay at the friends overnight, Don't go or ask his mum to sort out transport

TommySaid · 07/08/2022 18:03

No it’s one weekend.
Yell he can come over on the other weekends or during the week but it’s not fair on your mum to put her in that position.

Tell him you are not going to ask her and so he needs to tell DSS it’s a no.

drawacircleroundit · 07/08/2022 18:05

I agree with you, OP. Your mum is also possibly quite looking forward to spending time with her GC - and this has the very real potential to spoil it for her.
Your DH needs to protect future favours from her by not making it awkward for her this time. He sounds like he's being a bit of a user here... and not fully appreciating the favour that is being done. He's all win-win - looking good for his son, and getting free childcare - but does he really not have the empathy to appreciate how your mum would feel?

LilacPoppy · 07/08/2022 18:05

@Johnnysgirl it's not a hotel no it's not a hotel it's his home.

Johnnysgirl · 07/08/2022 18:07

BishFish · 07/08/2022 17:39

@Johnnysgirl - I agree in this instance. However “he stays at your house to be with his dad” sounds a bit strange.

The OP’s house the child’s home too, where he stays part of the time as he lives between two homes - his mums and his dads, which should both feel like home to him.

When he is old enough and doesn’t need babysitting, he will presumably have his own key and be able to spend time there without an adult present, he is not a guest who just stays there occasionally.

Presumably he wouldn't be left alone in either house overnight, he'd need an adult there too. But op's mum is an adult who might not want the responsibility of looking out for him, and this shouldn't be imposed on her, so he needs to treat it as a house he can't stay in (overnight) alone 🤷🏻‍♀️

SunshineAndFizz · 07/08/2022 18:07

Absolutely not.

And I wouldn't even ask your mum.

Simple answer to DSS - you're not at home so he can't stay.

ImAvingOops · 07/08/2022 18:08

This doesn't need to be complicated - your dh needs to tell his son that he is away that weekend so he needs to stay with his own mum! This isn't your mum's responsibility and it isn't fair to make it hers!

Ontomatopea · 07/08/2022 18:08

LilacPoppy · 07/08/2022 18:05

@Johnnysgirl it's not a hotel no it's not a hotel it's his home.

If he wouldn't be allowed to stay there unsupervised then it seems fair enough to say no not this weekend. The fact DH is considering asking his MIL to watch him suggests he feels he's not able to be left on his own. So he has to stay with his other parent in his other home, as arranged by the parents.

Musicalmistress · 07/08/2022 18:09

SweetSakura · 07/08/2022 17:57

(presumably you arent going away on DSS's usual weekend to be with you both? Because that would be unreasonable)

From the OP:
'My step son (14) is not due to be with us that weekend hence why we booked it for then. '

Cats23 · 07/08/2022 18:09

ImAvingOops · 07/08/2022 18:08

This doesn't need to be complicated - your dh needs to tell his son that he is away that weekend so he needs to stay with his own mum! This isn't your mum's responsibility and it isn't fair to make it hers!

Agree

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 07/08/2022 18:11

bjjgirl · 07/08/2022 17:59

Totally depends on the child, for example my dd aged 13 would actually be a help in this situation (take care of animals / help tidy etc)
She is really sensible and has never been late, plus my house is her house

This isn't a "my house is your house" scenario though is it. It's a "do I ask my mum to look after a child she barely knows for the weekend" scenario - if the parent aren't there it's irrelevant what location it's at.

DuchessDarty · 07/08/2022 18:11

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 07/08/2022 18:01

Also why is nobody allowed to say no to stepkids as seems to be a theme on here. They cannot get their own way all the time and that is just fact and the guilty parent needs to face up to this.

It’s a theme for posters who feel rightfully bitter and angry that their partners or ex partners didn’t, in their view, ever say no to their first children.

It’s not a theme for those of us step-parents who have partners who don’t always say yes or who wouldn’t put up with it if our partners said yes when doing so was clearly taking the piss.

In this instance, the DH hasn’t said yes to his DS yet, he’s considering an option, He has the right to discuss it with the OP, and she’s well within her rights to say no, I’m not asking my mother.

bigbluebus · 07/08/2022 18:12

No way should your mum have to be responsible for a teenager she isn't related to for the weekend.

Can't DSS's mother just drop and collect him from his friend's house this once?

Nextlevelnonsense · 07/08/2022 18:13

bjjgirl · 07/08/2022 17:59

Totally depends on the child, for example my dd aged 13 would actually be a help in this situation (take care of animals / help tidy etc)
She is really sensible and has never been late, plus my house is her house

@bjjgirl - I think it will be even more difficult for OP's Mum if people start throwing their own kids into the mix.
I think she was looking forward to a nice weekend with just her grandchild.

Brigante9 · 07/08/2022 18:15

God, no, I think that’s extremely unfair of your Dh to even raise.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/08/2022 18:15

Yes he wants me to ask. I don't want to even ask though as I think it puts the onus on her of having to say no and disappoint DSS which isn't fair.

He wants to make his son happy. But it's all the unrelated women who have to do the work? No.

He needs to work on a solution himself.

Denny53 · 07/08/2022 18:16

bellac11 · 07/08/2022 17:23

What do you mean by the police, does he go missing a lot?

She means no one to police what time he comes in etc

TommySaid · 07/08/2022 18:20

For context, DSS is having a hard time about having to split between mum and dad's.

I can see why this is an issue and it’s definitely something that needs to be addressed and dealt with but that’s irrelevant to this weekend.

You’re not at home so he can’t stay.

ImHavingAnOldFriendForDinner · 07/08/2022 18:20

Absolutely not, it's your weekend so he needs to stay with his Mum and get on with it. Your DH's immediate response should have been "sorry me and step-mum are away that weekend" and that's it end of conversation.

I have an almost 14 year old and he still needs a certain degree of looking after, he definitely doesn't come and go as he pleases.

Just say no. I do sympathise though as my dh would have been the same with his kids (they are older now).

ImHavingAnOldFriendForDinner · 07/08/2022 18:20

*NOT your weekend that should say!

phoneybaloney · 07/08/2022 18:21

He wants to avoid saying no to his child, but is happy to say no to you and your mum. 🙄 Is he always like that?

Surely him and his friend are both on their six weeks holidays. Can't you suggest he meets up with his friend mid week at yours when you're back from your weekend away?? Why does it HAVE to be on the very weekend you are away? Sounds like another way of making it known he's not happy with how things are tbh. And he's entitled to feel his feelings but your dh should be parenting not pandering.