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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU to insist DSS doesn't come to ours over this weekend?

354 replies

Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 17:15

Me and DH are going away for a long weekend next weekend. It's for my birthday.

My mum is very kindly coming to stay at our house to look after our toddler as it's easier for her with everything here already.

My step son (14) is not due to be with us that weekend hence why we booked it for then.

My husband told me yesterday that DSS is asking if he can stay at ours for the weekend as he wants to go out with a friend who lives closer to us. DH doesn't see the problem.

I'm insistent that he says no. It's too much to ask of my mum. DH doesn't think it will be a problem as he barely needs looking after. I don't think that's the point, it's another child in the house my mum will feel responsible for. How is she supposed to okay him going out with friends and police when he comes home etc... She'd also need to make his meals and things like that and I just do not think it's on to put that on her when she's already doing us such a huge favour.

I do not want to even ask as I know my mum will feel pressure to agree.

I think DH needs to say no on this occasion. We are always happy to have DSS outside of normal contact usually but this time we are away so we can't. If he wants to see this friend he'll have to sort it with his mum.

OP posts:
Ourlady · 07/08/2022 19:17

It’s not fair on your mum, simple as that. With your little one she is there with him 24 hours a day. The 14 year old will be out and she will probably worry about what he’s doing and what time he will be home etc. Your DH is being very unreasonable even suggesting it. Stick to your guns.

toooldtocarewhoknows · 07/08/2022 19:19

Can You say to DSS 'no sorry that we are away that weekend'. Does he have to know the ins and out of the rest of the arrangements?

DuchessDarty · 07/08/2022 19:20

Ontomatopea · 07/08/2022 19:16

Because presumably he's asked his mum? Otherwise what's he going to do? Just not be there? I doubt mum wants to miss out on time with him, if she does then I feel sorry for him. KFC.

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Maybe he asked his dad first and then, if he said yes, was going to ask his mum.

To come up with logic that his mum doesn’t want to spend time with him based on the little we’ve been told is pretty disgusting IMO.

iRun2eatCake · 07/08/2022 19:20

I agree with you OP.

Completely CF territory expecting your DM to do this.

iRun2eatCake · 07/08/2022 19:21

Other option is that DH stays at home and you and DM go away instead

Ontomatopea · 07/08/2022 19:21

DuchessDarty · 07/08/2022 19:20

Maybe he asked his dad first and then, if he said yes, was going to ask his mum.

To come up with logic that his mum doesn’t want to spend time with him based on the little we’ve been told is pretty disgusting IMO.

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I'm saying if mum agrees to it then I feel sorry for him. She should want the precious weekends with him they won't stay small for long. IMO

girlmom21 · 07/08/2022 19:22

@Ontomatopea he's 14. He's not particularly small. If she says 'no you can't stay at your dads and see your friend' he won't thank her for it.

DuchessDarty · 07/08/2022 19:24

Ontomatopea · 07/08/2022 19:21

I'm saying if mum agrees to it then I feel sorry for him. She should want the precious weekends with him they won't stay small for long. IMO

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You don’t have or have never had a 14 year old, do you? Grin

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 07/08/2022 19:25

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 07/08/2022 18:59

Is your DSS's mum even aware that your DH isn't going to be there and that her son will be left with a virtual stranger to look after him? I can't imagine she would necessarily be over the moon about this

^^This.
How dare your DH assume that your mum will look after a teenager she’s barely/never met before 😠
As a grandmother I would be pretty cheesed of at your dh’s cheek!

Ontomatopea · 07/08/2022 19:26

DuchessDarty · 07/08/2022 19:24

You don’t have or have never had a 14 year old, do you? Grin

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No. I have a 13 year old DSC though. Do they change much in a year?

sleepygal · 07/08/2022 19:27

How about dad pays for a taxi to take his son home to his mother after the activity with the friend?

Ontomatopea · 07/08/2022 19:27

girlmom21 · 07/08/2022 19:22

@Ontomatopea he's 14. He's not particularly small. If she says 'no you can't stay at your dads and see your friend' he won't thank her for it.

She might have something planned. It is the holidays.

Ontomatopea · 07/08/2022 19:28

sleepygal · 07/08/2022 19:27

How about dad pays for a taxi to take his son home to his mother after the activity with the friend?

Erm.. its mums weekend. She can pay for the transport.

Thethreecs · 07/08/2022 19:28

This would be a no from me. It makes sense that your mum goes to yours especially with the amount of stuff toddler's need.

Throwing a 14 year old into the mix is not on. If they had a very close relationship and visited often then I'd consider asking your mum, but they don't, they're practically stranger's.

It doesn't matter what the 14 year old can do, whether he can whip up a 5 course meal and clean your house top to bottom he's too young to be left to his own devices and your mum will be responsible for him, she will have to ensure he's safe, not out too late, fed, etc your mum probably wants to enjoy the time with your toddler, kick back and relax and watch some TV in peace, eat when she wants, go to bed knowing your toddler is safe in bed. Not cooking 2 meals, sharing tv, worrying if he's late, staying up till he's in.

If his parents are all for him staying with a stranger, maybe they'll be open to him staying with his friend? Why does he have to see the friends this particular weekend anyway?

BreadInCaptivity · 07/08/2022 19:29

It's a hard no from me.

It's inappropriate to ask your DM to navigate looking after a teen whose parental boundaries she's unaware of (by which I mean "but my mum/dad lets me do this") whilst also looking after a toddler.

I'm a SM and DH and I (along with Mum) had a flexible and reciprocal attitude towards changing arrangements. I'm definitely of the view it's the SC's home and they don't need to request to stay over (we just ask for a few hours notice so we can get food in AND confirm we are available).

In this instance you are NOT available and it's unfair to pass that responsibility elsewhere.

It's really very simple and DH and I have said no under similar circumstances.

It's not being mean and frankly teaching the notion that other people in the family have a social life too is a good life lesson.

Eiapopeia · 07/08/2022 19:32

Husband: "Sorry, X, but stepmum and I deliberately booked this weekend away because we knew you wouldn't be here, so it's not possible. How about seeing your friend next weekend?"

Coffeepot72 · 07/08/2022 19:41

The OP’s house is the child’s home too, where he stays part of the time as he lives between two homes - his mums and his dads, which should both feel like home to him.

This is only trotted out on MN, in the Real World people have no problem accepting that a child (usually) lives with Mum and visits Dad EOW (or similar). I would guess that the majority of step children think this too.

Hollychristmasjoy · 07/08/2022 19:43

Absolutely no chance would I be asking my mum. It’s taking the pure piss.

He can come extra another weekend. Not on the weekend you aren’t even there!!

Beepbeepenergy · 07/08/2022 19:43

He should say not this weekend we won’t be here …..simple

Helenloveslee4eva · 07/08/2022 19:50

Ask you mum.
unless this 14yr old has a lot of “challenges “ and is going to roll in drunk/ drugged not come home etc why shouldn’t she actually want to see her “ read made grandchild “. I mean he’s part of her family.

Johnnysgirl · 07/08/2022 19:56

Helenloveslee4eva · 07/08/2022 19:50

Ask you mum.
unless this 14yr old has a lot of “challenges “ and is going to roll in drunk/ drugged not come home etc why shouldn’t she actually want to see her “ read made grandchild “. I mean he’s part of her family.

Why shouldn't she want to see him? 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Teddletime · 07/08/2022 19:56

On the secret confessions thread a poster confessed to leaving her 14 year old and 11 year old alone overnight while she goes to a hotel (her husband is away).
I was shocked but not one poster picked up on it, presumably because it was mild compared to the other stuff being confessed.

Sally872 · 07/08/2022 19:57

Yanbu. Your mum is doing a big favour watching toddler and doing it in your house. Apart fron the additional responsibility it is awkward having to make chit chat with a teen you dont know well.

Need2P · 07/08/2022 19:59

That would be a no for me and wouldn't even ask granny. If he wants to see his friend, that's his Mum's problem as it's her weekend.

Ontomatopea · 07/08/2022 19:59

Helenloveslee4eva · 07/08/2022 19:50

Ask you mum.
unless this 14yr old has a lot of “challenges “ and is going to roll in drunk/ drugged not come home etc why shouldn’t she actually want to see her “ read made grandchild “. I mean he’s part of her family.

That's not really how it works