Ok, Ok, where's the magic Rule Book then?

[SpaceshiptoMars]

I keep seeing posts saying ''Step parents should... blah blah blah". No good reasons why, just 'because I say so'.

So come on then, all those who want to be rule setters for Step Mums. Where is your authority? Why do you think you get to tell other adults how to behave in their own home? Is it some kind of religious thing? Where is all this coming from?

It's the fact that that certain type of poster has a complete blind spot to what actual step children have to say about it.
For example:
"Step parent should treat step child exactly like their own child"
"Umm no, I wanted my parent to parent me, I would have hated another woman trying to be my mum"
"Well I say they should have and what you and your step parent actually experienced in your actual real life unique family situation does not affect my principles"

🙄

Who are you talking about Op?

I think people who are not step parents should be banned from this board. It's insulting having people people like that tell you how to act and feel. I mean, what sort of boring lives must they have that they comment on posts about stuff they have no experience of?

Actually have no idea why my post got deleted 😵‍💫 unless I offended anyone here (which I don't remember saying anything shocking)

Did you give the location of the golden rule book when only the worthy are allowed to know of its location?

I don't know why either, @pitchforksandflamethrowers. I read it and it was fine.

Who are you talking about Op?

No one specific person. There are lots. I've been watching them come and go for ages. I just think I must be missing something somewhere!

@Ketakones it would appear I did ? 😵‍💫

All I said "paraphrasing" was the break up of the first family cab cause DSC pain (which in my lived experience it does) and this in turn can cause certain parents to be Disney parents or take out their issues on unsuspecting OPs who post here, because there's lots of feelings around and sp get scapegoated as the villain. Most sp didn't cause the original trauma to begin and although I don't think those feelings are wrong it's the fact they are directed in the wrong place.

I suspect someone took umbrage with that, although I'm not referring to any person personally 😵‍💫

It's been happening a lot of late. I suspect I have upset someone somewhere but 🤷🏼‍♀️

Most posters will know my handle so will know what I'm like and can judge from there I suppose.

Maybe I do know where this magica rule book is 🤔🤔 I could make millions.

I do actually wish there was a rule book that everyone agreed on. Would make things so much easier !

Well, I think there may be an element of people both wanting to divorce and wanting it to not affect the children in any negative way, and not accepting how remote the likelihood of this is. In order to push away any twinges of guilt over this, they do a 'look, squirrel' and point at the SM as the cause of any unhappiness in the children. However, I'd still like to know where that rule book is.

I think there’s a big element of the blindness that seems to come with anything normative in relation to childhood. In all sorts of spheres (there’s lots of research that shows this in relation to charitable interventions in the global south in particular), the concept of childhood seems to stop people thinking critically.

It shifts into moralising and sweeping statements based on ‘won’t anyone think of the children?’ All the complexity or nuance slips out of the picture, and the adults who don’t fit the dominant norms have to be positioned as the source of all problems.

In stepfamilies, the stepmother is the outside adult who doesn’t fit into nuclear family norms. The fact that the break up of the nuclear family is (usually) something that predated her helps to position her and the stepfamily as the problem and not the dysfunction that probably caused and continues from the break up of the first family.

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters I think your probably in to something and @SpaceshiptoMars squirrel analogy is so spot on.

As a mum who did split my DD home (I walked because we no longer agreed on fundamental thing re the relationship), even though I knew it was 100% not only what was best for DD and me, I also feel a massive amount of guilt and fear. Which I have to say I try my best to deal with myself. Of course I would be angry at my ex or his partner or Disney parent my way through dd life, I don't because all of those things however easy and socially acceptable aren't what's best for her.

I do wonder if that's why we see so many heated thread over Disney. Why is it think of the children (with the silent caveat no no not those children only DSC) why would you want to make your child the golden child ? Surely in my world head that's bad right ? Setting them up to fail when older ? I always feel like I'm missing a part of the logic ( so if anyone can fill me in I would appreciate it because I just can't wrap my head around it)

I think it's the "mother"/"father"/"parent" element after the "step" that throws some people. It doesn't mean "replacement".

I do wonder if that's why we see so many heated thread over Disney. the Disney thing is ridiculous, it's like it's a sacred religious pilgrimage for some. If you treat it like a BIG thing then it will be a BIG thing.

Well, I'm sort of a replacement, because Mum died before I came on the scene. However, that suffers from as many lack of rules as when Mum is fully in the picture... The DSC were adults, so they had already organized some versions of 'mum replacement' by themselves. This leads to a lot of complications. As does the apparent expectation of being financially adopted without any expectations in return!

Ladies I think I found it

m.youtube.com/watch?v=BlwIPD5ZkHg

Obviously I'm showing my age. Had a little chuckle to myself (given the nature of this book in reference)

@Steptoeandson 🤣 then my post probably wasn't in the spirit of the site then it would appear. That said I have seen some very sensible mums and step children comment, which sometimes helps balance out the evil narrative. It's also nice to hear grown up step children don't all hate their sp.

Got another one Christmas 🎄 - you must get equal number presents for the children, even if that causes a massive disparity money wise per child, and of course this applies to grandparents and relatives on sp side or they must give gift in dark room so dsc don't see ?

I like this thread bit of hilarity to what can seem like a fairly double standard land.

Wills - doesn't matter if you have your own DC, you must split everything you own equally and include the DSC and encourage grandparents to do the same. This is especially so if you are a high earner who has been working full time and mum hasn't needed to work as much due to maintenance payments or whatever circumstances.

What a cow

another rule
You will cause outrage if you refer to mum as biomum. And apoplectic outrage if you admit your DSC calls you ‘mum’ or something similar.
However it’s perfectly fine to refer to the dad as biodad and no-one bats an eyelid here if kids call step dad ‘dad’ (as demonstrated on a current thread.)

My DH got a bit huffy about the wills too.
Our entire house deposit cam from me and we split the remaining mortgage 50/50 so when all is said and done I'll have personally paid for around 75% of the house. Which is 50% DHs. So the way I see it, DSD is already doing well out of me so I won't be guilt tripped into giving her even more. My children won't benefit from her other potential inheritance streams so they are my priority for which I will never apologise.