I've realised what I find hard / unnatural about step parenting

[Hmmmmmm1]

I was thinking about this the other day, trying to decide what it actually is about being a step parent that I find so difficult and I basically came to the conclusion that I can't think of anything else in my life that I'm expected to love and think is great but which doesn't actually bring any positives to my life either if that makes sense?

There's nothing about being a step parent that brings anything positive or joyful to my life. I don't find any part of it fun or enjoyable. It's actually a minefield sometimes but with none of the payoff like, for example, with my own DC who drive me round the bend but who I love completely and bring so many positives to my life that it's worth it.

And yet you're expected to just never complain and be constantly in love with the whole thing. It feels like quite an unnatural thing when I think of it like that.

The kids are good kids but I don't love them like my own and I don't get excited to see them or have any sort of huge maternal bond with them, it wouldn't affect my life or happiness if they weren't here in the same way it would with my own children for example and yet I have to deal with his ex, helping out with X Y and Z etc...

Basically the whole thing is like one big chore but with not much in return to make it enjoyable, I can't really think of any other scenario in my life that is like it.

I know I'll get loads of replies along the lines of 'you knew he had kids' blah blah, I'm not interested in those tbh. It's pointless arguing with people of that train of thought.

Just wondering if any other step parents feel like this? Like step parenting is just one big thankless task that doesn't really bring any positives to their life?

I always knew that if I couldn't have my own DC I would happily adopt. I was lucky, and do have my own, but also love the SDC as if they are my own.

Adoption and step parenting are not comparable.

I hear you!!! Thankyou for saying this…I can relate on EVERY level xxx

Completely agree

Yanbu. It’s a minefield with mainly mines!

I know you don’t want to hear this but I seriously don’t understand how you didn’t know this before marrying someone with kids? Surely you knew the kids first and already realised you didn’t love them/ found them a big chore? So why go ahead?

Yep exactly. There isn't really anything that is a payoff for the crap bits.

There are plenty of things about parenting I find hard but there are also tonnes of lovely, fun and beautiful parts that make the whole thing worth it.

There's none of that with step parenting, in my case anyway I'm sure there are plenty of exceptions. It just seems like all the mundane/hard parts but none of much else.

So you only want to hear from people that agree with you but not from anyone with a different point of view?

It's not them personally. It's the whole premise around step parenting that I find a chore. His ex constantly in our lives, contact schedules dictating whatever we do, being expected to help out with this and that because I "married a man with kids" but there's nothing in return that brings any joy or anything good to my life.

I guess it just becomes more apparent as time goes out.

But as you said, no I'm not interested in hearing those types of responses. There's no point debating it.

I'm not a stepparent, actually find partner's children kind of irritating and have no interest in being around them (we don't live together) so you're doing pretty well tbh.

No, but I've seen enough on here to know that the thread will likely get taken over with 'you knew he had kids' poster's who have absolutely no desire to discuss or talk about anything other than that and accept no reasoning as to why it's not always that simple.

You can go as softly softly as you want, be as prepared as you feel you can be and it’s never how you expect. It’s really hard.

I’m wondering who it is saying you have to love them and never complain. I’ve been a step mum for ages and no one says I can’t have a moan if they’re winding me up. No one, least of all my husband/their dad thinks they’re perfect and we jointly acknowledge and appreciate their amazing qualities and the things about them that drive us potty. They’re teens now, one is an utter delight, thoughtful, endlessly enquiring, enthusiastic, funny, a joy to be with. The other is moody, grumpy, pretty entitled at times, struggling sulks, not a joy much of the time. That’ll change as it has before, a few years ago it was the complete opposite, the one that’s awesome atm was a horror. They’re just kids, like our shared one they have joys and terrors.

I had a step child in my life for 5 years. I dreaded the times he was with us because he was entitled, spoilt and used to deliberately cling to my dd and totally try to leave my ds out, causing divide and friction. One of those children who would happily let others have nothing as long as he had
something and/or someone was being left out and he was getting his way. But my goodnessif he thought he was being left out/short changed the whole world would know about how it's unfaaiir! Luckily the little brat child isn't in my life anymore and I don't miss him one bit. I tried to form a relationship but he wasn't endearing in any way.

I’m wondering who it is saying you have to love them and never complain

No one in particular. I can tell DH wants me to feel this way but is likely aware that I don't. His ex is always more than happy to ask for my help (expect it) when it suits but she's not the worst although is a pita I'd quite happily be without sometimes. It's often expected, expressed on here and in general life though.

How do you think the DSC feel about you? They don't get any say at all about the fact you are in their lives and they have to spend time with you. Not being provocative, I'm genuinely interested. What is natural or positive for them?

I can't even blame it on this tbh.

The kids are nice (most of the time!), not particularly difficult and we do get on. But I don't really feel any strong connection to them that I'd say my life benefits from them simply being in it, certainly not in the sense that it paysoff the rest of the things which make it a pain.

They probably feel much the same I imagine. They like me but they wouldn't be arsed if I weren't around. I don't blame them, I think that's understandable and fine. I'm not their mum.

I think their lives probably benefit from having me in it more than mine does me but that's normal and not something I imagine they actually realise nor would I expect them to. Mainly due to things like finances and so on.

More than mine does them*

I agree with you. I found it hard to understand why I was expected to go above and beyond for children that never ever appreciate what you do. Why should I love you like my child when you don't love me like a mother ?

For example, a second birthday party. We have always done another birthday party for both my step children. They don't care, they don't appreciate it and they never say thank you.
Their mum doesn't care that I try to make it special, MIL doesn't appreciate it, it's just expected that it's a big deal to everyone. DH has always appreciated the effort I went to. They are both older now, so birthday's have calmed down!! 👏🏼

However, if I didn't do it, it would be awful that I favour my own children and that I couldn't be bothered. The worst step mum ever!! But I wasn't the best step mum for showing up and doing it.

already realised you didn’t love them/ found them a big chore? So why go ahead
You should only marry someone if you love their kids? Yet MN usually tell Step mums you're not their parents step back, shut up yet you've to love them?
My DPs DC aren't even likeable, completely spoiled over indulged ppl by a mother who is beyond manipulative 🙄

From my experience this is why I'd never get involved with someone who has young kids now. Teens and above fine.. I can just be my name and not expected to be a parent figure.

I understood that my husband had a child, we don't have children together, I have my own kids.
Its incredibly hard, I have no maternal instinct towards him at all, my husband and I got together when he was a teenager, he is a product of his mum who has dropped poison into his ear about my husband and when we got together me.
In the end tolerated him, after years of trying to even have a friendship, always making him welcome, taking his side when things did not go his way, making sure that he could see his dad whenever, he was not pleasant to be around and was only there for a lift or money. I draw the line when he verbally abused my daughter.
My life is a lot better now I have nothing to do with him.

Agree op. It’s impossible to know how the dynamic is going to play out over time, and when you have fallen in love it’s easy and natural to be focused on the adult relationship and the compatibility around this and if you meet the kids it’s usually only when things are solid & you’re already both massively invested in the relationship. It’s a whole different ballgame in a blended situation so unless you have experienced this previously then NO you do not and cannot know what it’d be like.

Most people I know/posters I’ve seen swear they’d never do it again (myself included - especially before having my own DC), so if it was all clear and obvious how utterly soul-destroying it is to be or become an unimportant satellite having to deal with the ex and generally being expected to cater to needs while having zero input in any important decisions and totally different styles of parenting, sensibilities and - for instance, a guilty DH who never disciplines while you’re expected to suck up any behaviour that you wouldn’t tolerate from your own and which your own family wouldn’t accept… it’s impossible to appreciate what it’s like irl over time as things develop and impossible to know how the dynamic is going to play out.

Whilst a lot of the above may fall under “DH problem”, no one has said they dislike the kids - it’s basically just because the situation can be a shit sandwich that you’re expected to chow down on with a smile. (Appreciate it’s not like that for everyone, but definitely can empathise OP!)

Can you not find some little reward/pride in yourself for doing your best to be a good SM to them? In knowing that if you do a good job of this you will make a big difference to their childhood? Of course you can’t be expected to love them like your own, but can you find some fondness like you would a good friends child or a niece/nephew?