I've realised what I find hard / unnatural about step parenting

[Hmmmmmm1]

I was thinking about this the other day, trying to decide what it actually is about being a step parent that I find so difficult and I basically came to the conclusion that I can't think of anything else in my life that I'm expected to love and think is great but which doesn't actually bring any positives to my life either if that makes sense?

There's nothing about being a step parent that brings anything positive or joyful to my life. I don't find any part of it fun or enjoyable. It's actually a minefield sometimes but with none of the payoff like, for example, with my own DC who drive me round the bend but who I love completely and bring so many positives to my life that it's worth it.

And yet you're expected to just never complain and be constantly in love with the whole thing. It feels like quite an unnatural thing when I think of it like that.

The kids are good kids but I don't love them like my own and I don't get excited to see them or have any sort of huge maternal bond with them, it wouldn't affect my life or happiness if they weren't here in the same way it would with my own children for example and yet I have to deal with his ex, helping out with X Y and Z etc...

Basically the whole thing is like one big chore but with not much in return to make it enjoyable, I can't really think of any other scenario in my life that is like it.

I know I'll get loads of replies along the lines of 'you knew he had kids' blah blah, I'm not interested in those tbh. It's pointless arguing with people of that train of thought.

Just wondering if any other step parents feel like this? Like step parenting is just one big thankless task that doesn't really bring any positives to their life?

No, we're fine

Also never liked the "but if you love your husband and they are part of him..." Stuff.

I don't get that personally. His mother is part of him but they are separate people. I may enjoy one and not the other!

I do love my SC, who have been in my life since they were little. I do think they bring a lot to my life.

However their mother, my DH and I have pretty similar parenting styles, I do discipline them, and she is a reasonable person. It was more restrictive when they were little mind you (holidays with them were so so dull) and bf she and DP had ironed their differences out.

I moan plenty though - does your DH have an issue with you venting?

Beyond that if they are decent kids as you say, I would try and find ways to build a niece/nephew relationship with them - you can’t get shot of them so you might as well. Are there ways to push back if there mother is being unreasonable? Is your DP being as helpful as he could be? You do have to be assertive as it’s a good lesson in standing up for yourself.

But even in my pretty decent position it is hard because you have to put a lot of work in to make it work, and no one who isn’t a step parent ever gets this.

I find your OP refreshingly honest, tbh. Makes a change from people falling over themselves to insist that blended families are all hunky-dory and nobody suffers. It's so vanishingly rare that that's the case. It is an unnatural situation.

Okay, thanks for the clarification.

Isn’t the positive that you get their dad in your life? 😂 Presuming that is a positive for you, it’s more than the kids get by their dad having a partner that gets no joy from them.

Blended families on the whole are shit from my experience and reading on here.

It’s probably the same posters saying you know he had kids, why did you get involved who would be berating a single parent introducing their prospective partner to their kids before they were practically married anyway. Exactly as another poster said most people are pretty heavily invested before you meet the kids. Some children you like and get on with with others not so much, being a step mum particularly is a thankless task and no, no one including the kids ever appreciates the good things you do. I have pretty much given up. I do my own things and my kids and my husband does the same in the most part. A lot less stressful that way for us and the kids.

I think the point about ‘a lot less work for you’ is interesting. In fact, I have reflected on the fact that I did the lion’s share of the day to day care for my step-daughter maybe because she was close in age to my Dd so I was doing it anyway. But I did wonder how ex would have got on if he had had to look after his own daughter for two to three week stretches himself. She stopped coming to stay with him for that long after we separated.

I think there's a big old leap between dislike DSC and just not feeling the warm and fuzzies. Parenting or step parenting in any form is hard as Fuck and anyone who says it's not is a liar.

If this was a mum and she said you know parenting is a thankless task you would have people agreeing and no one would suggest you hate your children. It's those people saying you clearly hate your DSC that puts pressure on a usually emotionally charge situation which doesn't help and often reduced the enjoyment.

That and the fact step parenting and parenting is at the most, something that seems like it should be fun but very often isn't.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers Well said, hadn’t thought of it like that before, yeah it’s fine to moan about being a parent but not a step parent, but so much more pressure on an already difficult situation!

What I will never understand is how people who feel like this marry someone who already has young children.

I love my step kids, but if I broke up with DP I wouldn’t do it again. In reality they confide in me more than both parents and we have more fun than they do with either parent, but they have constant poison fed to them by their mother. They’ve been told repeatedly that I’m the reason Mummy and Daddy don’t live together, even though DPs ex had lived with someone for a year before I met DP and I didn’t meet his kids for another year.

No matter what I do/say I am made out to be a liar or undermined by his ex. I understand she is their Mum and I’m not, but I am an adult that is a big part of their life. For example my 13 year old DSD wanted her hair braiding before going away for a weekend, I told her if she let me know when it was washed I would go round and do it for her. I never heard from her so messaged her late on, her Mum told her I had called to cancel, when DSD asked about it she insisted I had and DSD believed her and was really upset I had let her down last minute.

Me and DP booked a weekend away with my family that was adults only, DSDs older cousin (19) was staying at our house with the girls. DPs ex convinced DSDs that they were invited but I said I didn’t want them to come, apparently their cousin was only staying with them because she was worried because I was leaving them in the house alone for the weekend (at 9 and 12 at the time). Instead their Mum arranged a pamper night because they were devastated.

I taught DSD to sew, she made loads of little bits she was really proud of, her mum hit the roof saying she was unsafe and that I was putting her in danger and if I got the sewing machine out again she needs to message her immediately to come and collect her. She was never unsafe, I used to teach textiles to younger kids and never had one hurt themselves.

These are just a couple of examples, there is something every weekend. We wait on a Sunday when they go back for the message telling us what has been done wrong or how they have been endangered. It’s ruined our relationship because I have backed off because I’m so anxious about accusations.

This is an interesting read for me.

I have always wanted to be a step parent - I assumed it’s like being a parent but without all of the annoying stuff that goes with it, almost being like a Disney dad who gets just the fun stuff.

I absolutely love being an Aunty and although my nieces and nephews aren’t my children, I absolutely adore them and love that I can do fun things with them and then hand them back lol.

I’m also a teacher and have genuine love for my students and the majority bring me joy most of the time.

As a single parent myself I have always worried that a man would feel this way about my DD which is why I chose to stay single.

Would you say it would be easier if the ex wasn’t on the scene, like is it them that makes it more difficult?

I have always wanted to be a step parent - I assumed it’s like being a parent but without all of the annoying stuff that goes with it, almost being like a Disney dad who gets just the fun stuff

I'm struggling to see why anyone would actively WANT to be a step parent but I think the problem is that a lot of the time people expect more from you than this. In a lot of the scenarios you're living with children that you are expected to do the shit bits with but have none of the say, an ex always a factor in your life which is dictated somewhat by her and their schedule often expected to be there when it suits and benefits the parents but step back when you're not needed.

I'm sure this would be wildly different if the other parent wasn't around. There's a bit more freedom in that situation. Although tbf I dread that ever happening too!

@Ridingoutthewaves I mean as a step parent you absolutely cannot say anything even on here or your accused of fairly strong emotions when actually your internal emotion might just be meh, opposed to I hate my DSCs .

Most people don't assume that because your having a moan about DH, your relationship is fundamentally broken and to be leave. People do with blended families.
Anything negative is taken as a sign that they don't work, some don't true.

But like with any mechanism- the more cogs involved the more complex the machine. Blended families have more cogs.IMO people are very black and white re blended families, and looking in it must seem like a living nightmare to some.

But my blended family isn't so black and white but various shades of grey ect. I do have bad days, I do have good days but mostly it's meh days. Same with my Dd tbh. It's just im allowed to say this out loud as a mum but never a sm.

That and the fact you could say one thing and someone praise you as a sm and say the same thing to someone else and get called evil is utterly tiring. There isn't a rule book but people act like there is and it's like always missing a step. That type of pressure chips away at the soul.

As a mum you have control, as a sp you have zero with all this expectation. It's a lot. But the best thing I did was give less fucks about what others thought were the right thing and focused on the needs of my blended family and said fuck it to the rest.
And now I dress up as a witch on Halloween as a slightly tongue in cheek joke.

You have to laugh right ?

And I think it's very different to 'being a parent without the shit bits' too for emotional reasons.

There are a lot of things my DC do / about them that only bring me joy because I have a parents love for them. I'm never going to get excited or a surge of warmth from hearing about another child's day, I'm never going to desire a long cuddle on the sofa after a long day with a child who isn't mine, I'm never going to get the same level of joy and happiness from a child that isn't mine. Personally. So simply living with someone else's kids isn't the same as being a parent without the tough bits, I don't have the love there that makes the good things amazing about being a parent if that makes sense.

And I think it's very different to 'being a parent without the shit bits' too

Agree and in fact it’s the exact opposite- all the shit bits without being the parent 😂

I feel the same Op. What I would say is different is that my DSS is a very frustrating kid, but I am not expected to help out and be thrilled about it all the time. Given you say yours are good kids, I think you'd be a lot happier if you didn't feel this pressure to help out and be happy about it! That sounds like the main problem to me.

This is so true, and something people really fail to understand. My DD is naturally endearing to me, the silly things she says and does, everything down to her facial expressions make my heart sing, corny as that may sound, but I'm sure we all know the feeling in describing. I replay those moments even when she isn't around.

I just don't get any of that for my SC. The things the do have to be objectively endearing/amusing to feel that way to me, just like with everybody else in the world besides my own child.

I already knew this which is why I would never date let alone marry someone that has kids. It’s a choice you make.

Well, what are you going to do when you get sons and daughters-in-law? They will be boring nerds that you need to listen to and don't want to, and speaking to your, by then, grown up kids will be like talking through an irritating person getting in the way. You'd like to donate all your genes and maybe some of your partner's to their child, but your grand-sprog is going to have to have some of the in-laws trespassing DNA. You have to accept outsiders into the nucleus and the zone where those feelings of family reside. I guess you did it with your partner's parents and siblings.

I can feel fond of neighbours kids, so I can't imagine not feeling fond of step-kids. I know of grandparents who take their own grandchildren out for the day, and the child the son/ daughter-in-law had from a previous union, and they treat them equally and care about them all.

But I think the agendas from the ex, could get annoying, and maybe that is what spoils it: you don't feel you can make decisions or express yourself, and it's always going to be wrong, what you attempt. I guess you could step back and treat them more in the role of you as caring guardian/mentor - like a guiding friend.

But seeing your biological kids interact and relate to them must be fun?

I agree entirely. In my experience it’s all the shit bits with added being treated as the scapegoat by literally everyone.

I think most of us do understand, that’s why we would never want to be a step parent or want our kids involved in a ‘blended’ family.

Well, what are you going to do when you get sons and daughters-in-law?

literally no one expects you to love your SIL or DIL. In general, they don’t live in your home. No one expects you to act like their parent

The only comparable thing about the situations is that stepchildren are in-law relations to you. But, because they are children, the expectations and experience is entirely different to any other kind of in-law relationship.

@Diverseopinions the difference with what you're describing is that those people wouldn't live with you 3 days a week or whatever. I'm fairly certain I'll be able to tolerate my stepkids a whole lot better when we're not under the same roof.