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Original poster

I've realised what I find hard / unnatural about step parenting

413 replies

Hmmmmmm1 · 27/07/2022 19:38

I was thinking about this the other day, trying to decide what it actually is about being a step parent that I find so difficult and I basically came to the conclusion that I can't think of anything else in my life that I'm expected to love and think is great but which doesn't actually bring any positives to my life either if that makes sense?

There's nothing about being a step parent that brings anything positive or joyful to my life. I don't find any part of it fun or enjoyable. It's actually a minefield sometimes but with none of the payoff like, for example, with my own DC who drive me round the bend but who I love completely and bring so many positives to my life that it's worth it.

And yet you're expected to just never complain and be constantly in love with the whole thing. It feels like quite an unnatural thing when I think of it like that.

The kids are good kids but I don't love them like my own and I don't get excited to see them or have any sort of huge maternal bond with them, it wouldn't affect my life or happiness if they weren't here in the same way it would with my own children for example and yet I have to deal with his ex, helping out with X Y and Z etc...

Basically the whole thing is like one big chore but with not much in return to make it enjoyable, I can't really think of any other scenario in my life that is like it.

I know I'll get loads of replies along the lines of 'you knew he had kids' blah blah, I'm not interested in those tbh. It's pointless arguing with people of that train of thought.

Just wondering if any other step parents feel like this? Like step parenting is just one big thankless task that doesn't really bring any positives to their life?

OP posts:
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strawberriesplease · 09/12/2022 21:19

Most honest post on here OP.

I advise people (women mostly) not to do it.

ZenNudist · 09/12/2022 21:26

How completely awful for you for your DH to spring his kids and his ex on you after you got married. However did he manage to keep it secret before clobbering you with a ready made family.?

onagain · 09/12/2022 21:32

It's just such hard work...
being a stepparent drains me
I care about all of them
I secretly have a favorite because I know he loves me so much too
I've been parenting for 30 years now... my kids are quite a bit older and have left home. DH's children didn't have a mum so I kind of stepped up - because they deserve someone who cares about them. DH isn't very emphatic or loving towards them to be honest.
But I am knackered...

onagain · 09/12/2022 21:32

@ZenNudist you don't sound like you have sc..

mssJu89 · 02/12/2025 15:36

Hmmmmmm1 · 27/07/2022 19:38

I was thinking about this the other day, trying to decide what it actually is about being a step parent that I find so difficult and I basically came to the conclusion that I can't think of anything else in my life that I'm expected to love and think is great but which doesn't actually bring any positives to my life either if that makes sense?

There's nothing about being a step parent that brings anything positive or joyful to my life. I don't find any part of it fun or enjoyable. It's actually a minefield sometimes but with none of the payoff like, for example, with my own DC who drive me round the bend but who I love completely and bring so many positives to my life that it's worth it.

And yet you're expected to just never complain and be constantly in love with the whole thing. It feels like quite an unnatural thing when I think of it like that.

The kids are good kids but I don't love them like my own and I don't get excited to see them or have any sort of huge maternal bond with them, it wouldn't affect my life or happiness if they weren't here in the same way it would with my own children for example and yet I have to deal with his ex, helping out with X Y and Z etc...

Basically the whole thing is like one big chore but with not much in return to make it enjoyable, I can't really think of any other scenario in my life that is like it.

I know I'll get loads of replies along the lines of 'you knew he had kids' blah blah, I'm not interested in those tbh. It's pointless arguing with people of that train of thought.

Just wondering if any other step parents feel like this? Like step parenting is just one big thankless task that doesn't really bring any positives to their life?

I could not relate to this more. This has been my life for years now. More recent my resentment has reignited because he has lost all of the endearing qualities that made him tolerable. I've never wanted children to the point I actively dislike them, I met SS when he was 6 and he was a sweet little boy, he wanted to engage, do arts and crafts, go for nature walks, it was nice. Now he's a rotten spoilt little brat, his Grandparents, Mother and Step Father fueling his behavior by making excuses for him like he can do no wrong, and its getting me down. We have him 50/50 and its just getting too much for me. Its not the life I wanted. As a step parent, we have zero say or control in how the kid is being raised even though it directly affects us. There is no positive reward, its an emotional, physical and financial burden, it BARELY paid off when he was a nice little boy but now I've got the makings of a moody, nasty pre teen. Theres nothing can be done as breaking up with my partner is not an option. This is a I've made my bed and I'll have to sleep in it situation. But its nice to know others have these thoughts, I thought I was a wicked stepmother.

jjpollypocket · 05/12/2025 20:46

I completely agree!

PuppyKeep · 09/12/2025 18:05

“things impacting my daily life… not least by individuals that I’d never associate with personally”

This.

It’s an unnatural bizarre power tussle in which the stepparent is voiceless. It’s hidden at first, so we only realise the raw reality when we’re in too deep. Aka:

“You're already heavily invested in the relationship before the kids are introduced and you won't be faced with the tedious day to day stuff and navigating a disgruntled ex immediately.”

aquashiv · 14/12/2025 20:19

What an honest post

HandbagsnGladrags · 17/12/2025 08:08

I haven't read the full thread but I totally see why you don't want them living with you. Also interested in some people's comments around moving abroad after retirement as this is our plan. Kids are fully supportive of it.

Microanxiety · 19/12/2025 07:58

I think the you must love them as your own schtick is really harmful and drives a lot of the unhealthy step relationships tbh. It's perpetuated mainly by people who aren't stepparents and we as a society blindly believe it even though it's virtually impossible for anyone to do. Add in the concurrent, seemingly unquestionable truth that you are not able to make any decisions of weight, and are immediately of no consequence should you divorce their parent and the whole thing becomes a farce.

We've all been conditioned to believe it and on paper it's a no brainer, but it's also a very odd concept. Any deviation from the narrative is met with pearl clutching and self righteous criticism. But really it's perfectly natural not to have a familial bond, and there's nothing wrong with that. Once people recognise and accept it I think things improve a lot.

Longanddrawnout · 28/12/2025 07:31

Really honest post OP. It’s a difficult thing to convey, my SC is 6, my DD is 16 (even though DP is 6 years older than me) I started early, he started late.

I actually came into it wanting to be able to give SC the experiences my DD had when little but difference in parenting style and mostly outside influences have made it impossible. I now have had to back right off as sadly SC’s mum makes it clear (to us and through SC) every week how much she hates me, our house, everything about us really.

There is ANOTHER custody battle ongoing at the moment (already a court order but the mum is now not happy with that) and I’m finding it hard to be enthusiastic about it when I just really don’t care.

Mildredneetremble · 08/01/2026 15:59

I think the problem with being a step parent is in the name and whether you can really be a parent to someone else's child when the parents what to continue parenting them in the same way they did before splitting up. If you asked a child how many parents they have got they would say two, its all in the title and the perceived role as a step PARENT.

chilly32045 · 11/01/2026 15:02

I do get where you’re coming from. I am a step mum of two and we have two together. The only joy i get from the situation is the siblings all getting on and playing lovely together. I love that in having step children increases our family size. Yes it increases the chaos and hobbies/chores but it can have its lovely moments (very few). We have them 50/50 and when we don’t have them only having two seems just so easy. So that’s a benefit too i guess 🙃

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