I've realised what I find hard / unnatural about step parenting

[Hmmmmmm1]

I was thinking about this the other day, trying to decide what it actually is about being a step parent that I find so difficult and I basically came to the conclusion that I can't think of anything else in my life that I'm expected to love and think is great but which doesn't actually bring any positives to my life either if that makes sense?

There's nothing about being a step parent that brings anything positive or joyful to my life. I don't find any part of it fun or enjoyable. It's actually a minefield sometimes but with none of the payoff like, for example, with my own DC who drive me round the bend but who I love completely and bring so many positives to my life that it's worth it.

And yet you're expected to just never complain and be constantly in love with the whole thing. It feels like quite an unnatural thing when I think of it like that.

The kids are good kids but I don't love them like my own and I don't get excited to see them or have any sort of huge maternal bond with them, it wouldn't affect my life or happiness if they weren't here in the same way it would with my own children for example and yet I have to deal with his ex, helping out with X Y and Z etc...

Basically the whole thing is like one big chore but with not much in return to make it enjoyable, I can't really think of any other scenario in my life that is like it.

I know I'll get loads of replies along the lines of 'you knew he had kids' blah blah, I'm not interested in those tbh. It's pointless arguing with people of that train of thought.

Just wondering if any other step parents feel like this? Like step parenting is just one big thankless task that doesn't really bring any positives to their life?

the situation can be a shit sandwich that you’re expected to chow down on with a smile

Ha love this!

And agree, I'd never ever get involved with a man with kids again if me and DH ever split. And to be honest, I'm leaning more to the belief now that if that did happen, I'd probably wait until our DC were grown up to ever live with anyone again too because I wouldn't want them to be in this situation either.

100% agree with you OP and 100% would not do it again given the chance. I don't think I appreciated how much I wouldn't be able to relax in my own house when they're here.

Can I ask without being shot down but I’d expect that is how your partners feel about your own children if you live together surely? I can’t imagine having my children living with someone who can’t be arsed / doesn’t like/ has no bond with etc
surely this works both ways.

I don't know, it's hard to answer that because it doesn't actually give me any joy thinking about it. Nor does comparing it to a niece or nephew who I wouldn't have in my home half the time or be dictated to by their schedule or have to deal with their other parent etc... As I say, just a lot of negatives with not a great deal else.

I think it is that you have to do some of the workload without much or any of the reward. Plus have to negotiate with your OH’s ex in to the bargain. Even if not directly, it’s a hard one to have someone’s ex influencing how you live your life, and having to look after their kids as well which impacts on your time and finances.
Until you are there doing it, it is impossible to know how you will feel. The expectation that you should do it and enjoy it because you are a woman just makes that harder.

I do love my step kids & am happy to have them but it only works because…..
we have them full time
we all get on well together generally
their mum gets to have no say in their day to day life & has very limited supervised contact

So essentially OH and I parent together and are very much in agreement on how we do this. If the circumstances were different who knows how I would feel. For sure it wouldn’t be as easy.

I had a much different experience of step parenting, my DH was a lone parent and then we had DS. My stepsons and I get on great, they were teens when I met their dad and were excited to have a baby brother. I fulfilled a lot of the typical "mum" stuff with my younger DSS, like the school meetings, doctors, opticians etc. The older one was 18 so not in need of a mum figure, we were more like friends.

They added to my life positively because they were part of our family, and my DS's brothers. We had the usual teenage behaviour but in all honesty I found it good practice for DS's teenage years!

My children are my husband's too.

But yeah if me and him split I'd want to avoid them becoming step children as much as I could.

Yes I imagine the situation would be quite different if the other parent isn't involved and you're basically fulfilling that role. Much more comparable to your own children.

And I wouldn't say I can't be arsed or don't like them.

I actually do do a lot that qualifies as 'being arsed' but it's all pretty much a chore rather than something I like to do.

I'm technically a step child myself but I met my mother's husband when I was basically an adult and therefore it was quite different. He didn't have to do anything in the way of parenting, didn't have to deal with a schedule or my dad because I was too old for any of that and living away from home. We're basically just friends if anything, I really do enjoy his company and I believe he does mine but it is vastly different to having very young DSC imo.

@Hmmmmmm1 I totally get what you're saying but I firmly believe the reason SO many sms feel like this is because of the expectations placed on them by their partners, the sdcs dm & by Society at large.
If people would stop expecting sms to love & parent sdc & if the actual parents would actually parent effectively I think the majority of sms (generally speaking) wouldn't feel like this.
If sms were 'allowed' to treat sdc like they do their nieces & nephews & were not expected to behave like parents & then told to back off when it suits the actual parents stepparenting would be a lot more pleasant.
However in order for this to happen many parents & family members would need to pull their heads out of their asses and stop treating the sdc as the main players in The Great Tragedy that is Divorce/Separation!

Sorry that you and others feel this way. I don't recognise these feelings to be honest. I enjoy having my step children in my life and helping to turn them into lovely adults who I would choose to know. Yes there are plenty of frustrations for me, but it isn't all negative by far.

I only ever loved my own kids and I think I'd feel the same as you in your situation. I bet the majority of step parents feel the same

I know I couldn’t love another child like my own and for this reason I refuse to get into a relationship with a man with kids I know I absolutely couldn’t do it , I couldn’t deal with the restrictions around contact times and curtailing my plans , I couldn’t deal with a difficult ex always being in my life, I sound selfish but I can think of 100 reasons as to why I just couldn’t be a step parent. So to those that can I take my hat off to you

If you believe your presence improves their lives, do they not see and appreciate it?

Maybe it’s different as my DP does not have kids, but he loves my daughter because a) she is mine and he loves me, and b) she’s just a good kid. He goes out of his way to say and do things that show it, and she is grateful and appreciative. Yes, the scheduling and whatnot is a pain, having things dictated by custody is a pain, but that’s my baggage and he has his own. He has an ailing mother who can take up a lot of time, I don’t begrudge him that. We both have things to work around.

Completely understand! I would love it if my SC stopped coming. My house isn't my own when they arrive, atmosphere changes and it's chaos. I love it when they leave. I'll await the shitty comments. I've been with my DH for 10 years and he has a 12 and 14 year old. I've known them since they were young. Things were great when they were younger. Since puberty hit and the attitude comes - it's very unpleasant. Hopefully things will change so I enjoy their company again in the future

Yes I would say you should only marry someone if you love their kids. Otherwise find a man without kids and certainly don’t have more with him and then moan that he had some before yours came along.

In all honesty I dont think you're doing your SC, your DH, most importantly your SC and DH relationship or yourself any good in that household. Can you afford to live separately so his kids can feel they're in a loved home with their dad, and he can come stay with you when the SC are with their mum?

I agree. I actually found it much easier and more rewarding when DSS lived with us FT. My house, my rules and me and DH have always been on the same page with parenting so whilst it wasn't easy, it was better. Its his mother that causes the issues, unfortunately. She is the reason I would never, ever do it again.

I was a step child and my step dad is fantastic, however my dad had little to no input and I think this helped. Plus, expectations of men are different I think.

Wouldn't necessarily say I begrudge it. Obviously we all have our own baggage. I just think it's a very unique situation which I can't really think of anything else to compare it to i.e. something which takes a lot but rarely gives anything back. It's not DHs fault obviously so I can't begrudge him for it but it's certainly something I could very happily live without and hate the expectation from society in general that I should think it's wonderful.

And no they don't show appreciation for what I do in the same way they don't really show it to their parents. But I wouldn't expect them to. Not talking things like saying thanks if I buy them an ice-cream obviously but with general life like helping out with childcare here and there or washing their clothes or having to deal with their mum, or my wage meaning we can afford a larger house than if DH was single and whatnot, no I don't expect them to show appreciation for that, they are kids at the end of the day.

That’s a shame. I had a step-daughter (her father and I separated some years ago) and the one reason I stayed in the relationship too long was because she and my DD were quite close and had lots of fun together and actually I enjoyed looking after her over as well - maybe easier with two girls the same age who get on. So I knew the break-up would be difficult for the girls.

I did try to keep up taking her step sister out now and then but actually they have grown into quite different people with their own lives now. I wouldn’t get involved with someone with children again, it is not fair on the children to have to get to know another adult or stepsiblings and then deal with fall out if you split up. I am also not sure why I would stay in a relationship with someone if I didn’t like their child(ten) being around.

*child(ren)

Is this more about a waning relationship with your husband than about his children?

I genuinely like having DSD here. My DS loves spending time with her also and looks forward to her arriving and I feel like the days we spend all together as a family are the best ones. I'm expecting another little boy in October and I feel like she's a special gift in a way in giving me a girl I would never have had myself!

Although it's difficult at times factoring in the ex, I have respect for her role in raising such a well rounded child and that usually trump's any bad feelings in the end.

I can imagine things would be very difficult if the ex was more difficult!

I am also not sure why I would stay in a relationship with someone if I didn’t like their child(ten) being around.

Hard because I don't whether dislike is the right word. Indifferent feels more like it. I don't dislike them or the fact they are here. But I feel indifferent to it in the sense that I could happily be without it and it would be a lot less work for me too.