I've realised what I find hard / unnatural about step parenting

[Hmmmmmm1]

I was thinking about this the other day, trying to decide what it actually is about being a step parent that I find so difficult and I basically came to the conclusion that I can't think of anything else in my life that I'm expected to love and think is great but which doesn't actually bring any positives to my life either if that makes sense?

There's nothing about being a step parent that brings anything positive or joyful to my life. I don't find any part of it fun or enjoyable. It's actually a minefield sometimes but with none of the payoff like, for example, with my own DC who drive me round the bend but who I love completely and bring so many positives to my life that it's worth it.

And yet you're expected to just never complain and be constantly in love with the whole thing. It feels like quite an unnatural thing when I think of it like that.

The kids are good kids but I don't love them like my own and I don't get excited to see them or have any sort of huge maternal bond with them, it wouldn't affect my life or happiness if they weren't here in the same way it would with my own children for example and yet I have to deal with his ex, helping out with X Y and Z etc...

Basically the whole thing is like one big chore but with not much in return to make it enjoyable, I can't really think of any other scenario in my life that is like it.

I know I'll get loads of replies along the lines of 'you knew he had kids' blah blah, I'm not interested in those tbh. It's pointless arguing with people of that train of thought.

Just wondering if any other step parents feel like this? Like step parenting is just one big thankless task that doesn't really bring any positives to their life?

This isn't actually the case to be fair. I am certainly not nor have I ever been, expected to pick up all the slack. I have been asked to do things like help with bits of childcare or school runs for example some of the time but it's certainly not all the time. Their mum is guilty for asking it on her time occasionally too but again it's not ALL the time.

But again though, I'm still not really sure what these "fun bits" people refer to are. Even if you take away every single chore like task of being a parent, what fun bits am I supposed to get out of being with DSC?

As I say, there are lots of things about parenting that I only find fun precisely because they are my children. I would not feel the same about those things with DSC because I don't have the same feeling for them.

But again though, I'm still not really sure what these "fun bits" people refer to are.
Well, I've got interests in common with my younger DSCs, and they have an quirky way of thinking that stirs my brain cells into action! So we can while away an hour or two sometimes in productive discussion, which is quite refreshing. The relationships have been challenging and taken lots of work and forbearance on all sides, but I do generally enjoy it when they are back for a meal these days. They do manage to worry me stupid at times, but guess that happens to actual parents too.

You don't want people to say that you knew before you married...but you did. Those chidren didn't appear out of the blue on your wedding day. You already knew you didn't enjoy step parenting and you went ahead anyway and had more children with a man who already had some you didn't particularly want around.

I'm not judging you for feeling that way, as I would too. But I have absolutely no sympathy for you, as you shouldn't have married him and had children. Suck it up sister.

To be fair @Hmmmmmm1 does appear to be “sucking it up” and she’s not blaming anyone else for the way she feels. I think her post seems to be mainly about acknowledging how difficult it can be even when they’re “good kids” and their biological parents are doing their fair share of parenting. It’s important people acknowledge that it’s not always so rewarding, otherwise I think people might well assume that it will be fun, or something will “click” once you’ve been part of the blended family for long enough.
It might help other people weigh these decisions more carefully, I’ve read a few threads on here by Step parents who are truly struggling and feel like they can’t win, I think it’s a public service to talk about these things honestly even when they are a bit taboo.

It gets talked about all the time on here. It’s really hard to believe anyone can think blended families are full of happiness or fun if they know any in real life or read on here.

I do think these threads are goady, it seems that step parents like saying slight variations of ‘I’m not really that fussed with my step kids’ and then can’t wait to jump on anyone that says it’s not a nice thing to say. I just think it’s obvious. You’re shagging their dad, that doesn’t mean you’re going to be obsessed with his kids. Does it even need saying? The kids would probably rather step parents were not in the picture either.

my stepkids lived with us full time. 11 and 12 when I met them, 13 and 14 when they moved in. I had a baby and one on the way by then.
I don't love them, but I am fond of them. But no they didn't bring much to my life, though they were never rude or disrespectful to me. I made their father happy, cooked for them and helped give them a welcoming home. I did a fair amount of ferrying them back and forth. But I was by no means a second mother.
My husband died some years ago (my kids had barely started school) and they are grown up with their own families now and I do remain in contact primarily for my sons sake. But they have not been there for him beyond fairly superficial ways which is ironic because they have complained that some relatives weren't there for them when their dad passed away, and now my son is the same age they were when he died.
I married a man who happened to have children. I didn't expect they would live with us, but I welcomed them. It did make things hard, but I accepted it.

The 'you knew what you were getting into' lot really make me laugh, i was 20 years in before the bad side of step parenting became apparent to me, how the fuck was I supposed to predict that?!! My experience until then had been pretty good but the ridiculous expectations and standards SM's are held to still managed to bite me on the arse, even though SDC were adults by then.

So no, no one can know 'what they're getting into', SM's aren't gifted some special psychic ability to see the future and none of us really know how our families will evolve or what problems we'll be faced with. I wonder why SM's are held to such different standards than everyone else?

I think it does need saying yes. I’m not a step parent, I’ve never had a step parent and prior to reading these posts I think I would have had a pretty naive view on it. These threads have made me think about it more and how difficult it must be for all concerned. I of course agree it must be even harder for the step children, but that’s why it’s worth discussing probably.
They maybe feel goady because the topic comes up a lot on MN? But not everyone has been on the forum a long time or is familiar with the previous discussions so it still feels relevant to me who is relatively new to the forum. I think reading these threads has changed my mind about blended families quite a bit.

God no, run like the wind. All I can say is, why would you, if you didn’t have to.

I feel like I’ve survived a natural disaster, and I love DH, so on balance it’s been worth it just. But I had NO idea how it would be, and tbh wouldn’t do it again.

This!

it seems that step parents like saying slight variations of ‘I’m not really that fussed with my step kids’ and then can’t wait to jump on anyone that says it’s not a nice thing to say. I just think it’s obvious. You’re shagging their dad, that doesn’t mean you’re going to be obsessed with his kids. Does it even need saying? The kids would probably rather step parents were not in the picture either.

I've not jumped on anyone nor have I said I'm expected to be obsessed with his kids.

The only thing I've said is that I'm not really interested in the "you knew he had kids" replies because they are always there and the people who post them never seem interested in actually discussing why that isn't always so simple. So it seems rather pointless engaging with it.

You knew he had kids so keep quiet is such an unfair sentiment.

Knowing someone had kids and knowing that it will still feel like a thankless task with no upside years later are not the same thing.

of course people expect it to take a while to settle in to a new stepfamily. As an adult in the situation, a SM is going to expect that she’ll be putting herself out and accommodating. And will view not getting anything positive back as natural.

What you don’t anticipate is that it doesn’t necessarily change. No matter how much you do or bring to their lives, the children don’t necessarily warm enormously to the stepfamily. They may become more against it (just in principle) over time.

They may be caught in ferocious loyalty binds to their mother, such that the nicer their SM is or the nicer she makes their life, the more they kick against it.

The ex may never stop being a pain in the arse. You might assume her effect on your life will diminish over time as she gets over the change and the children get older. But it can turn out that was a naive assumption. In some cases, it turns out she becomes a bigger problem after you have children or when the kids are teenagers than she was at the start.

People do expect lots of settling in and needing to adjust. But they do assume that, over time, it will settle and the upsides will start to become apparent. For various reasons, there might not ever be any joy in any of it.

Can I ask what you're actually expected to do for the step children op? Surely with a dad and a mum of their own the responsibility should be falling on them to do all the parental jobs - lifts, appointments, school stuff etc.

If you saw yourself as a friend to them rather than a parent figure it'd probably be easier for you. It might be different if their mum wasn't around and you were expected to take on that role but surely, if the kids are pleasant enough, you can just take a step back and try to enjoy their company.

My ds has a stepmum and a stepdad (my dh) and neither get overly involved in the mundane stuff but they do support him and love him.

@Hmmmmmm1 really no benefits at all? You don’t think your kids benefit from having older siblings?

you never see your kids and DSC play together and have a blast?

i get that it’s hard. I’d think one of the benefits could be that your kids get the experience of more siblings and fun of that but not all the time (as big families can mean not enough parent one on one time or downtime).

people are different but you sound v disconnected to me. I care a lot about the kids in my extended family and enjoy my connection with them. Could image one or two of them coming to living with us if circa required it and feeling even more for them. Not the same as my own kids, no. But a deep connection that matters and is rewarding to me.

i find it a bit odd you say you don’t care about them at all

You had a choice, your step children..... not so much. They will feel that they're not genuinely welcome at their father's house but that's a legacy that you and sadly them will have to live with. You wanted the man but aren't prepared for the whole package. It's says a lot about a person.

I think it's often easier to say 'just step back and refuse to do anything remotely parenty' than it is in reality. I mean you only have to look at threads here when a step mother does do this to see how often she's told 'but they are your child's siblings, you should treat them exactly the same as your own, if you do it for your own then you should do it for them' and so on... I think in reality people do expect more than this from their children's step parents. Ideally I think most people would like them to help out with the bits of parenting they need help with and step back for everything else.

really no benefits at all? You don’t think your kids benefit from having older siblings?

My DC do love DSC yes, that is a benefit for my children. For me, it means I'm unlikely to have the opportunity for anymore DC because DH already has more than me. And it is quite different, in my experience anyway, having a half sibling there some of the time compared to there all of the time. My children's lives are also expected to fall in line with a contact arrangement etc... There are actually a few things that I think actually disadvantage my children by having half siblings too. But it's definitely more of a balance for them then me as they do also get some benefits of having older siblings.

You wanted the man but aren't prepared for the whole package

In what way though, because I don't love them and feel my life is heightened by having them in it? Is that really something you can change or is it just a fact?

I deal with the whole package every day. I've never tried to prevent them being here or stood in the way of their relationship with their dad, I am always kind to them and so on. To me that is being prepared to accept the package even if it doesn't particularly hold any benefits for me personally.

If you saw yourself as a friend to them rather than a parent figure it'd probably be easier for you.

And no, I don't think it would be particularly easier. I don't see myself as a parent now. It doesn't change the fact that they still live in my home 50% of the time and everything that comes with (arguments, more workload ect.), I still have to have their mother constantly in my life, I still have to live by some schedule set by other people, I feel I can't reasonably refuse for example if they need help one day and I'm at home anyway "because they are your child's siblings, why wouldn't you want them, if you do it for your DC you should do the same for DSC" blah blah and so on... It's not comparable to a niece or a nephew or just being a friend in many ways.

l think this subject has been done to death, and naievity seems to play a big part. There is no way l would ever choose to be a SM, it doesn't appeal at all, therefore l do find it hard to feel empathy for the ones who chose to go down this route. Blended families seem to be an absolute nightmare, with the SM getting the short end of the stick. Unpaid childcare is what your settling for.
Why the need to blend families in the first place, whats the rush?
Step parents can choose to unblend, maybe thats the solution ?

naievity seems to play a big part.

Honestly I do agree with you. I think a lot of the people who end up in this situation were very young (in life experience terms I guess) when they met their partners and didn't understand the complexities well. It was the case for me. I had just turned 22 when I met my husband, had been living away from home for a couple of years, had no experience of children, never stepped foot on a site like Mumsnet before, had no friends in a similar situation to warn me. I genuinely had no idea and thought 'it'll be fine'.

It's only recently that I've stepped back and thought "what do I actually get out of this situation? For all of the stress and annoyance and just general intrusion into my life (ex etc), what do I actually get out of this, what part of it is actually good for me?" And genuinely I can't think of anything. It's just a very unnatural situation and theres nothing else in my life that I can compare it to in the sense that there are a lot of negatives with not much else but you're expected to never say it and be happy about it.

And as I've said, if my and DH split I wouldn't want them to end up as step children. I'd do what I could to avoid it. So I'm not in disagreement that it's probably not the best for children either.

My DC that is^

And I did find, with their mum in particular, the requests for more involvement/ "help" didn't start until after we were married. Sort of like 'well you're in deep now so you may as well start helping me out too'.