I've realised what I find hard / unnatural about step parenting

[Hmmmmmm1]

I was thinking about this the other day, trying to decide what it actually is about being a step parent that I find so difficult and I basically came to the conclusion that I can't think of anything else in my life that I'm expected to love and think is great but which doesn't actually bring any positives to my life either if that makes sense?

There's nothing about being a step parent that brings anything positive or joyful to my life. I don't find any part of it fun or enjoyable. It's actually a minefield sometimes but with none of the payoff like, for example, with my own DC who drive me round the bend but who I love completely and bring so many positives to my life that it's worth it.

And yet you're expected to just never complain and be constantly in love with the whole thing. It feels like quite an unnatural thing when I think of it like that.

The kids are good kids but I don't love them like my own and I don't get excited to see them or have any sort of huge maternal bond with them, it wouldn't affect my life or happiness if they weren't here in the same way it would with my own children for example and yet I have to deal with his ex, helping out with X Y and Z etc...

Basically the whole thing is like one big chore but with not much in return to make it enjoyable, I can't really think of any other scenario in my life that is like it.

I know I'll get loads of replies along the lines of 'you knew he had kids' blah blah, I'm not interested in those tbh. It's pointless arguing with people of that train of thought.

Just wondering if any other step parents feel like this? Like step parenting is just one big thankless task that doesn't really bring any positives to their life?

I’m not a step parent but I do think you’re right, it’s a bit unnatural. A big part of the problem I imagine is that it would be deeply hurtful to the biological mother if you did form a very deep maternal bond with step children, and it would probably fill the children with guilt if they got on better with you than her. On the other hand, it is sort of expected that when you are parenting them, you need to love them unconditionally because anything else might be considered petty or sort of transactional. If your not close to DSC then there’s a risk that you or they won’t feel 100% at home in their own home. If your very close with them your own DC could feel side lined. I’m sure there are loads of wonderful SP and SC relationships out there but I don’t really know how they manage it to be honest. It’s impressive to me that people do seem to make it work so well.

Does being together with him not outweigh the downsides of having to be a stepparent to his DC?

Yes which is why I'm still here. But again it's not really a perk of being a step parent specifically. Being a step parent specially has no upsides to me. I appreciate I had to do it in order to be with my husband but that doesn't make step parenting in itself any better or of more value to my life.

My partner has two kids and we're still finding our feet but most of the truisms of the situation I've found to hold true for us, in our own unique way. It's definitely a situation unlike any other I've been in or could imagine being in elsewhere in life.

Whats helped us managing (somehow!) to convince my partner to establish a proper routine (less guilt parenting!), boundaries with the ex, who can be high conflict, and to have more self awareness.

The kids are lovely, but IMO blended families are primed to create complex situations for everyone involved. It's not an easy life

I’m sure there are loads of wonderful SP and SC relationships out there but I don’t really know how they manage it to be honest. It’s impressive to me that people do seem to make it work so well.

Tbh I think a lot (not all) are just in "lucky" situations with the people involved. I.e. the other parent isn't involved so they can be, or the ex doesn't mind, the children are easy and accepted them and so on... I think it's rarely a case where you have a step parent love their DSC like their own and all of that whilst also having lots of negative aspects going on as well.

When I was a stepparent, I didn’t find that the SC enhanced my child’s life at all (or do). Significantly diminished it in various ways. All that drama. The influence that their mother (a woman I cannot begin to understand their father’s involvement with) and her unbelievably thuggish boyfriends had on our home, and through how she brings up her children. The ridiculous guilt their father feels over having chosen to have children with a woman like that, and the effect that has on his youngest child.

Turns out, it was all downside for me and my children. A lot of that was because of how my husband handled everything. But some of it was unavoidable.

This!! How can parents really be ok with forcing their children to live with people who don't really care about them. It actually makes me feel a bit sick when I imagine my own children in this situation.

Again this is the black and white thinking. Why does the ultimate assumption ding back to don't care about dcs. Just because someone don't get the warm and fuzzies all the time about their step kids, doesn't mean they are kindly treated, looked after well and cared for.

Feel sick about pedos, feel sick about the number of sexual attacks on people that go unpunished, feel sick about so many things.

We aren't talking about putting children under the stairs yelling I hate you. We are talking about the same dammed struggles most parents face and have experienced and yet don't get comments like "makes me feel sick tbh".

Christ on a bike.

I’m a step parent too.
it’s hard.
and yes, let’s hope you and I are civil enough to never harm our step children. BUT if we feel exasperated, unmaternal, unappreciated by our step children, how does it play out for other adults who are unable to share their moans or grumbles?
many adults are resentful and unloving to their step children.
I don’t think this is talked about enough.
I feel like there should be some sort of register of stepparents.
fwiw I now dearly love my step child, but it is a different kind of love than the overwhelming love to my own child.

I wonder OP if it's the contrast between your feelings for DC and DSC?

I don't like kids, particularly. I've never really liked them, and find them irritating. But I do have DD, and love her fiercely. She's sweet, and funny especially when she's very serious and all the shit and annoying stuff doesn't really matter because I love her so much. But I had absolutely no idea what it would feel like to have DC before I did. Even though I thought I could imagine how I would feel!

I can quite see that if I was a bit more inclined to like random kids, then before I had DD I might have met some bloke with reasonably nice DC and thought that it was all lovely and we all got on fine. But then if I'd gone on to have my own DC I'd have suddenly realised how completely, utterly different it feels to love my DC, in contrast to how I feel about the few other kids in my life that I'm fond of.

There should be some sort of stepparenting support group.

I wonder OP if it's the contrast between your feelings for DC and DSC?

It probably has heightened the reality yes. Although I can't say I felt massively differently before. It's not like I've gone from thinking DSC brought loads of positives to my life before my children were born and now they don't. I felt much the same about the whole thing before then in that there was any aspect of it I specifically enjoyed.

Wasn't any aspect**

I didn't realise how many restrictions it came with till I had my own kids.

I love my kids even when they're being awful. If you don't have that bond it's hard to live them when they're being awful. And it's not necessarily an "I birthed them from my own body" thing, it's that they are mine and I am theirs and we are a family who can decide how things work between us.

With my step-kids there's always another person who has more control than you. I'm not sure control is exactly the right word, but your decisions are always influenced by a 3rd party. Rightly so, that 3rd party is the parent of those kids.

It can never be the same free, natural relationship. You don't always realise how restricted it is until you have something to compare it with.

Put in a very blunt and probably harsh way, if I woke tomorrow and DSC had never existed, I wouldn't feel like anything had been lost from my life but it would be whole lot easier.

Wow it does sound like blended families are tough for lots of people. It should definitely be talked about more. Do Step fathers have it any easier I wonder? Or is it much the same?

I've wondered before about this.

I think there is definitely an argument that more is expected of women in general when it comes to children so not a huge stretch that that could definitely spill over into step parenting too therefore making it easier for step father's than step mothers.

But I definitely think there is something biological there too. Some sort of primal instinct with women not to have a desire to mother other people's children (and I'm not talking about solely biological children, obviously adopted children are your children too). I definitely think something like that could be at play as well and I just don't think men feel it as strongly.

I think this is what this board intention was but reality this board is bit kinda is like hunger games.

It's one of the reasons I stay around on this board specifically actually. New people get such a beating on here and don't realise they are about to get clubbed to death for existing.

Tbf I don't think this thread has been too awful

We are only 117 posts in. Plenty of time for it to descend into cries of ‘poor kids’.

@Namechangetime89
You cannot make yourself love someone else's child, I imagine very few ppl do or would.
I don't think it's a reason to leave someone, you can welcome them you don't need to love them.

Totally agree 100%

Yes I'm sure there will be some

The bar for parenting as a rule is higher for mums imo (you think this would mean mums and step mums have something in common but alas no). If your a step mum you have the other fun dynamic that it seems you need to help repair the damage of the first marriage going south in a "mothering way" whilst not pissing DSC mum off.

I do think step dads and some dads aren't as hands on with child rearing as a rule so get off lighter. Also men seem to be less territorial over their kids then mums. I know I'm pretty fierce about my own Dd so tbh I think that's just a natural instinct tbh.

From what I have seen blended families work better if they are full time with one parent and the other parent isn't on the scene. Less drama it would appear. That said not having any access to one of your parents must be horrific for the kids so would wish it on anybody tbh. The mothering role if vacant as it were, tends to ease tensions a lot. As I said mums are pretty territorial of their kids and I can't say I think that's wrong to a degree tbh.

This is a very interesting and insightful thread. I appreciate your openness and honesty. I’m a single mum and thought it would be rather lovely to meet a man with kids as he’d understand the challenges of parenting. But you are right in many ways.

I think what you’re describing is a husband who, once he married you, expected you to pick up all the slack of his parenting responsibilities towards his children. And you’ve been doing it for so long he now takes it for granted.

I don’t think you’d feel as resentful about it all if he took full responsibility for everything to do with his kids and you could just dip in and out and do the fun bits.

@Hmmmmmm1 there's still time.

Frustrating enough though every now and then it seems we can have a decent discussion on these things without heading to "you hate your DSC" territory but sadly it happens to rarely. Also it's always the same posters... none who have popped up yet on this post.

But as I said still time