I've realised what I find hard / unnatural about step parenting

[Hmmmmmm1]

I was thinking about this the other day, trying to decide what it actually is about being a step parent that I find so difficult and I basically came to the conclusion that I can't think of anything else in my life that I'm expected to love and think is great but which doesn't actually bring any positives to my life either if that makes sense?

There's nothing about being a step parent that brings anything positive or joyful to my life. I don't find any part of it fun or enjoyable. It's actually a minefield sometimes but with none of the payoff like, for example, with my own DC who drive me round the bend but who I love completely and bring so many positives to my life that it's worth it.

And yet you're expected to just never complain and be constantly in love with the whole thing. It feels like quite an unnatural thing when I think of it like that.

The kids are good kids but I don't love them like my own and I don't get excited to see them or have any sort of huge maternal bond with them, it wouldn't affect my life or happiness if they weren't here in the same way it would with my own children for example and yet I have to deal with his ex, helping out with X Y and Z etc...

Basically the whole thing is like one big chore but with not much in return to make it enjoyable, I can't really think of any other scenario in my life that is like it.

I know I'll get loads of replies along the lines of 'you knew he had kids' blah blah, I'm not interested in those tbh. It's pointless arguing with people of that train of thought.

Just wondering if any other step parents feel like this? Like step parenting is just one big thankless task that doesn't really bring any positives to their life?

To be honest if I switched it around and thought about marrying and living with someone who didn't love my kids? No thanks.

I'd be single forever rather than put my kids through living in a house with someone who tolerated them at best.

@Hmmmmmm1
I think when reading your posts , it isn't actually step parenting itself you hate, but a lot of the baggage that comes with it.

1. Step parenting is worse if you're a woman. The ex wife expects a lot from the new woman and children expect motherly amounts of detail without being the mum. It's all bad boring stuff, none of the joy.
2. You could be a step mum at ages 3 and 5, they will grow older and have hormones and hate you at 11 and 13. No one can really prepare you for that. All the teenager threads on this board prove that.
3. The ex partner is always a factor. My best friend never had her dad around, her step dad and her absolutely adore each other. She considers him her dad. He has no children of his own so this makes it easier. If there were no ex wife and none of your own kids , I bet you'd feel differently.
4. You live together. A lot of relationships with kids can work as a dating thing, but by sharing a household and finances it inevitably causes discussion around money.
5. Ex mil ,fil and sil are also a factor and don't come into play until much further down the line. In my opinion.
6. Step kids can't reasonably be compared to nieces and nephews because they are expected to have regular overnights in your space, can't be "given back" and need more money, clothes and attention as though you were primary care giver .

This!! How can parents really be ok with forcing their children to live with people who don't really care about them. It actually makes me feel a bit sick when I imagine my own children in this situation.

I think most of us do understand, that’s why we would never want to be a step parent or want our kids involved in a ‘blended’ family.

Well me neither really, I certainly didn't actively want to be a step parent. It's more a matter of whether you consider it a compromise worth making.

I have two step sons. Both are too old for me to parent.

When I met them they were a lot younger. So at an age where sone parenting or guidance or whatever you want to call it was needed.

I've always given it as I see it but said ultimately ask your dad.

As we are, I'm very close to the older SS. Not so close with the younger one.
He knows I love him he's just with his mates and gf 247. He's 16.

I am very lucky in that we all accepted each other and generally rub along together well.

My older SS is in his twenties and we get in great now that he's matured a bit.

Couldn't be prouder of both of them.

Saying you don't want to be a step parent is a given really isn't it in a lot of cases. I can't imagine many people WANT to be a step parent, the definition of want is to have a desire to have or do something. Who has a desire to become a step parent? Not many people I imagine.

As ASofa said, I imagine in most cases it's just a compromise to be with the person you want to be with.

And I don't disagree with PPs, I'd not want my children to be stepchildren if we ever split and I'd probably stay single or not living with any future partner because of that.

I guess the big positive is that you get to have your DH. That’s what you get out of it.

"I guess the big positive is that you get to have your DH. That’s what you get out of it."

And your own kids that you have had with DH and love very much!

Are they good siblings to your own DC? If so that, to me, would be a positive; they might not very h your life but they may enrich your children lives. Even if right now they’re not close as they grow up having older siblings to look out for them, talk to them etc may be a positive.

I’d also say that even though it’s hard now you n may feel differently when they’re adults and all your DC have grown up. When they’re all living their own lives you may feel your life feels richer for having a larger family with both your own adult DC and adult DSC visiting, you may also feel in another generation if they potentially have grandchildren who you know from birth the relationship feels less disconnected and that step grandchildren bring a different joy to the step children which may be worth it in your older years when your own DC have all moved out.

Handbagsngladrags

Yes. Step-parenting doesn't evolve organically, like the primary relationship with the partner who already has kids. Circumstances thrust you and the SCS together in a close bond, and you know there is no choice in it - not like when you decide whether to carry on seeing a new partner.

I'd find it hard if I had SCs and they were not very keen on me.

I think blended families and step families are extremely hard on stepmothers and children, and if I had a magic wand I'd make it so that men could only procreate with one woman. I think it's a very very big ask for any woman to parent stepchildren alongside her own children (although some women do this brilliantly) and often less than optimal for the stepchildren. But as PP have said, it's extremely difficult to understand this until you are knee deep in the situation.

That's not really because of being a step parent though, you'd still have those things if not for that part of it.

Not really - because DH already has the DSC, so if you want to have DC with him, being a step parent is a necessity. You can't have kids with a man who already has kids without becoming a stepparent. That doesn''t make it any easier of course.

Agree with pp - the 'reward' is your DH and the family he has given you.

My dh is not a natural stepparent figure to my ds. That's fine, he doesn't need to be. Ds already has a father in his life. They are more like friends. Could you not adopt this sort of strategy instead of seeing it as a parental responsibility? Would that make it easier?

I know you don't want to hear it but I always feel so sorry for the kids in this situation. They didn't ask for the blended family dynamic and I think all adults in the scenario have a moral obligation to work hard to make sure that they are happy. It can be really damaging for them to feel anything other than loved and wanted.

This!! How can parents really be ok with forcing their children to live with people who don't really care about them. It actually makes me feel a bit sick when I imagine my own children in this situation.

Because they aren't treated like shit?
The step mums still show up and look after them. My DH just understands that they aren't my children and they have another family and mum. They don't need that from me.

To my children, I am everything. To my step children, I am a friend and additional support system. We have fun but I don't love them and I wouldn't care too much if I didn't see them again.

It hasn't always been like this. But over time and experiences, you realise how unimportant you are to them. You also have no impact on the people they become as you have to watch from a distance. So I started to care less and less.

Not really - because DH already has the DSC, so if you want to have DC with him, being a step parent is a necessity. You can't have kids with a man who already has kids without becoming a stepparent. That doesn''t make it any easier of course.

That's not really what I mean. I mean that being with DH and having your own kids with him isn't really a perk of being a step parent specifically, it's just something that goes hand in hand with it due to circumstances, if that makes sense. It's not joy that's coming from being a step parent.

I'm not a step mum but known what you mean about what is expected of you in other relationships. I have neices and nephews who live abroad and I hardly ever see. Not close to brother or SIL so don't even hear much about their lives. But people still expect me to create deeply. Others expectations are bit Brady bunch sometimes. Saying they are strangers really and our only link is genetic seems frowned upon so I keep it to myself. Why should you love the SC just for being with their parent?

I felt the same when my dses were teenagers, @ilovemyboys3 - especially ds3. To be honest there were times I wasn’t sure we’d both survive his teenage years alive, let alone unscathed.

The teenage years are really difficult, whether the teens are your kids or step kids - apparently their brains are retiring during adolescence, and they lose abilities such as empathy, impulse and temper control, the ability to realise you aren’t centre of the universe - all common sense, basically. But this loss is temporary - once the brain retiring is done, most or all of it comes back.

As I said, ds3’s teen years were horrendous - but he came out of it. In the space of about a week he 1) tidied his room without being nagged, 2) hugged me without me asking and 3) did his homework promptly and unprompted.

I nearly fainted!

So it may be that, as they get through the teen years, your dsc become easier again.

Yes exactly. It's not a perk that comes specifically from being a step parent. It's not something DSC specifically have brought to my life. If they didn't exist I could still be with my husband and have our children, it's not been created because they are around.

I agree I can't have one without the other, but that doesn't make it a perk of being their step parent.

I think it is different for me.
I have an older child who is an adult.
I live with my partner, we are married.

We live together with my stepchildren, they see their dad once a month for about 6 hrs.

I love them, they are amazing kids. I cook dinner for them 5 night a week as partner is at work.
I work from home so am there when they get home and help with homework.

They call me during the day as I tend to be free. I do school drop offs and pick ups when necessary.

I take time off work to attend parents evenings, award ceremonies, sports day, nativity etc.

Im not the kids mum, I'm their stepmother. We seem to have navigated it ok so far. But wonder if it's easier as we live together full time and I have a separate relationship to their parents.

Also I love my older child more than anything ever. My partner feels the same about their children. You can love others and still love each other

I take time off work to attend parents evenings, award ceremonies, sports day, nativity etc.

Yeah I imagine all things like this are much easier when there aren't two heavily involved parents already.

Although tbf I can't imagine having any strong desire to attend DSCs parents evenings etc anyway

Do you know the biggest risk factor to a child’s safety?
it’s living in a house with a step parent.

But again, maybe that would be different if their mum wasn't about and I'd done it from day dot who knows.

I don't think feeling like this is an indication that DSC are unsafe with me. Any child is safe with me, because I'm not the type of person who'd harm a child. Me being a step parent and feeling these things has no bearing on that.

I completely understand OP and commend your honesty - if we're not honest with ourselves we can't solve issues (or figure out how to live with them). I don't have a blended family but I think I would feel as you do if I were in your shoes

I picked up on something in an earlier post where you said there are all these downsides but without any upside - isn't being together with your DH the upside? Does being together with him not outweigh the downsides of having to be a stepparent to his DC?