I've realised what I find hard / unnatural about step parenting

[Hmmmmmm1]

I was thinking about this the other day, trying to decide what it actually is about being a step parent that I find so difficult and I basically came to the conclusion that I can't think of anything else in my life that I'm expected to love and think is great but which doesn't actually bring any positives to my life either if that makes sense?

There's nothing about being a step parent that brings anything positive or joyful to my life. I don't find any part of it fun or enjoyable. It's actually a minefield sometimes but with none of the payoff like, for example, with my own DC who drive me round the bend but who I love completely and bring so many positives to my life that it's worth it.

And yet you're expected to just never complain and be constantly in love with the whole thing. It feels like quite an unnatural thing when I think of it like that.

The kids are good kids but I don't love them like my own and I don't get excited to see them or have any sort of huge maternal bond with them, it wouldn't affect my life or happiness if they weren't here in the same way it would with my own children for example and yet I have to deal with his ex, helping out with X Y and Z etc...

Basically the whole thing is like one big chore but with not much in return to make it enjoyable, I can't really think of any other scenario in my life that is like it.

I know I'll get loads of replies along the lines of 'you knew he had kids' blah blah, I'm not interested in those tbh. It's pointless arguing with people of that train of thought.

Just wondering if any other step parents feel like this? Like step parenting is just one big thankless task that doesn't really bring any positives to their life?

Weild*

@Hmmmmmm1

I disagree I'm that step parenting and adoption are not compatible.

Both of these instances you actively choose to be in a child's life after they are born.

Yes it does depend on the level of contact with DSC but issues with the birth parent/ mother, father come with both.

I think you need to separate the issues with their mother away from them. That's not their fault and probably why you are not feeling the excitement to see them and the love and pride any child you parents albeit part time should bring.
Do you have Nieces and Nephews? Do you feel anything towards them?

I think your resenting the tasks and caring responsibilities for them because of issues with the other parent. Its absolutely ok to feel annoyed about the issues with the parent bit the sooner you separate those issues from the children the sooner you'll be able to enjoy them.

Children are hard though even your own and it's ok to resent that sometimes too.

I hope things get easier for you and you get to enjoy being a SM as well as a Mum.

If you are a blended family it can take time to adjust and for the love to grow. X

Ha ha thanks I’m still in it, thanks for the wine. My new year resolution was for me to be more selfish and not entertain the shit from the SD…I’ve probably improved 50% so yay, go me! Funnily enough when we do stuff for the SD it’s ok but if I want to do something she doesn’t want to do then she’s sulky and I get accused of not being family orientated.

I’m dreading the coming year. She’s probably about to start her periods and she has no clue about any of the following:

1. How hand washing works
2. Personal hygiene
3. Picking up her dirty clothes after herself (in fact I don’t even think she changes her knickers daily), but not my circus not my clowns
4. Putting rubbish in the bin

I foresee picking up skanky bloody pants, bloody sanitary products and what not. But then when I bring it up I’ll be accused of ‘picking’.

I just wanted to get my view out there. My hubby has 3 kids to one woman and 1 to another - ages are circa 32;28;23 and 11. When I met him the youngest was 2.5, gorgeous kid blonde hair blue eyes and people have actually assumed she was mine.

I was made up. Until a few years down the line when it materialised that hubby and SDM were completely incapable of communicating like civil adults to bring up the youngest child. I entered the relationship with the view I would treat her the same as I had my son at that age. But oh no, hubby was incapable of giving her any boundaries or house rules so I just backed off the behaving like a normal family bit as I was always overruled. She’s now 11 and been spoiled beyond recognition and has turned into a lazy entitled brat. If I ask her to (say) help tidy up or put shopping away hubby would ask why I was requesting this of her. I’d never get that from any of the other kids/grand kids.

I have one son of my own and according to my hubby I have no experience of bringing up kids (I was a single mum for many years, so go figure that 🙄).

The two oldest kids are a dream and between us we have 8 grandkids and they are a delight (age ranges from 13 to 1 year). The 23 year old (the baby of family 1) has obviously been treated the same as his youngest daughter as she’s a complete waste of time, a talent wasted and very volatile (awful boyfriends). The two kids she has were conceived so she could keep her previous partner. We love them to death but his 23 yo DD behaviour will not change as he enables her behaviour instead of cutting her off, and getting those kids away from a toxic and dangerous situation (FML he wouldn’t dream of leaving golden 11 yo child in that situation).

The oldest 2 are a dream, get on great with them all. Think of them as mates rather than my kids (possibly due to their ages), but love them all to bits their kids.

Oh and FYI the mum of the 1st 3 and I get on like a house on fire. We’ve been great drinking buddies when we have been out. Meanwhile the 11 yo mum hates me for reasons unknown, they’d split up due to her cheating (she’s been with the guy since) and I’ve never actually ever spoken to her!

So a bit of a mix!

Well what you say is 100% correct. Which is why I never went within an inch of a man with existing children. I just don't understand why common sense would not have told you this before. Of course it would be horrible, why would it not be.

The payoff for step parenting is your husband

This thread is very woe is me. But it is true no one forces you to marry a man with children, and no one forces you to become a step parent.

I don't think you are expected to love the DC as your own. But respect them as human beings, and generally if I love someone I love their children as a neice/nephew.

It's always going to be a bit of a chore. If the payoff of your husband is not good enough you wouldn't have married him.

You sound very cold OP. If they are good kids and you spend a lot of time with them it's weird that you don't feel any affection for them. The problem here is you, you're cut out to be with a man with children and I feel sorry for the DCs because they will pick up on it.

I do think with these threads, my best friends child I love. I enjoy spending time with them and am interested in their day/hobbies. Same with my brothers child and BILs children. Any child that I have been involved with in a significant way I care aboutm

Because I care about their parents, I care about their children. I don't love them or care about them as my own. But I am not indifferent to these children. I don't love chatting to them in the same way as a friend, but I do respect them. I don't not care about their day, they are human beings in their own right.

I find it odd that people are indifferent to the children of someone they clearly love and care deeply about

You don't have to live with your friend's kids though do you. It does tend to cloud your view somewhat.

Well no but if you live someone it won't take away that care. I might find them annoying, but indifferent, not caring about their day etc I find odd

@CarPoor I don't really think you can comment on how you would feel unless you've lived through that situation.

I think people too easily forget this.

There’s an enormous difference between children who you see out and about or who visit and children you live with.

And also a big difference when one of the children’s parents may be actively hostile to you. Even if you love the other parent, it can make a big difference when the children feel more loyal to (and are far more influenced) by a woman you may wish you didn’t have to have anything to do with.

Even more so if the parent you do love is afraid of the hostile parent and his choices are guided by that.

It really isn’t comparable to your friends children. Or even nephews and nieces.

I personally find it really odd that people come along with 0 step experience and judge what they absolutely have no idea about.

I love my friends toddler thought she was swell and all toddlers were endearing hahaha enter in my Dd whom I love dearly but the toddler years were long.

I also find it odd that people who don't profess to being loved up to the eye balls with there DSC the automatic response from people is to call them cold or to infer that the DSC aren't being respected as humans.

Really weird flex tbh but says more about the posters saying it than it usually does about the op

Being a step child is kind of shit. You’re never quite at home. You can’t leave the bathroom door open or dash to your room in your knickers. There is someone always there who is not a relative, but somehow part of your family. It’s uncomfortable getting upset about stuff. Because you know if you tell your mum, she’ll eventually tell him about your business. It’s uncomfortable being alone with them because the conversation is…awkward. Car journeys can be excruciating.

Then there’s his kids. You have zero in common with them. Zero. It would be nice if you did, being the same age and everything. But it’s just awkward. And you know they don’t much care for your mum. The same way you feel about their dad.

I get you, OP. I’d feel the same about someone else’s kids. They’d feel the same about me. I would never in a million years get involved with someone with kids at home, or with someone while my kids were still at home.

its sooooo not like children of much loved members of my family. We’re talking about children you spend a lot more time with. Children you’re expected to look after, feed, parent, raise.

Being a step child is kind of shit. You’re never quite at home. You can’t leave the bathroom door open or dash to your room in your knickers. There is someone always there who is not a relative, but somehow part of your family.

That's exactly how I feel about being a step-parent. Wish I'd never got into it.

And Christmas sets are a monumental pain in the arse. Split between here and there. Feeling guilty. Let alone the weekly moves here and there. Getting your arse handed to you because you left your school shoes at dad’s. There’s nothing natural about step-anything.

And no, I don’t expect people to stay together rather than separate. I don’t expect people not to get together if they have kids from another relationship. But even with the best step parenting in the world, it’s always going to be a bit shit, for the kids.

Then get out. At least you have the choice.

I did not mean that as snarkily as it sounded.

Totally know what you mean. I thought I had a fairly good relationship with my DSS, until I found out he’d been going home and telling horrible lies about me to his sister and mum. We’ve got him this weekend and I’m not looking forward to it.

Totally agree being a step child is f'ing awful.

There's always someone who is going to fill put out!

If god forbid DH and I ever split I would never want a relationship with someone who has children from previous relationships .... and I'd be gutted if DH met someone else with kids.
I would not want DD to feel what it's like to be a step kid. Seems exciting at first.... new people, new "siblings".... but ultimately you've been put together because of your parents relationship and can find you actually dislike the "siblings" and you're as indifferent to the new "parent" in your home as you are to them!

Can it work successfully, sure.... but I think a high proportion of "blended families" don't work for many of the people involved and it's the kids that suffer the most!

Often times it's because you're a bit wet behind the ears to it, most step parents say never again when a relationship ends.
You're already heavily invested in the relationship before the kids are introduced and you won't be faced with the tedious day to day stuff and navigating a disgruntled ex immediately.
Most step parents don't hate their kids, they're just indifferent to them and getting on with it , but they also get frustrated and bored of parenting in the same way parents do, it just we're not allowed to say it, without a backlash and comments like yours.
Former step parent.

@W0tnow tbh I would if the youngest wasn't going to uni in a couple of years - am biding my time. I never expected to feel like this and it goes without saying that I wouldn't have got into it if I knew then what I know now.

I don’t think anyone can really know. I’m guessing step parenting can sometimes be piece of cake with little ones. Then the teen years hit and then you have teenagers behaving like, well, teenagers. The drive you to distraction when they’re your own… let alone someone else’s.

I hope it all works out for you. And the kids involved. 😊

@W0tnow this is just my opinion but honestly rarely it's the step child that are the issue.

I have been on the board a long time and seen maybe two posts re the sc being the main issue and even then it's caused and made worse by the adults and at the end of the day most people know they are just kids.

Nearly 99.99% of the time it's the adults that make blended families hard work.

And the perpetual notion that sp are some type of sub human of which has no needs but also must parent better and behave better and fill any gaps of the actual parents and still get called cold.

Obviously just my opinion and no one could have explained this before I saw it for myself.

This exactly!