How do you rise above the irritating things - food stealing and lying

[BlackWhiteRed]

DH's children are due to come and stay with us for the holidays. I have no children of my own, so it's a big change to go from a household with no kids, to sharing with teenagers (15 & 12)

On the whole, i cope but certain things grind me down. DSS2 is an incredibly fussy eater, and expects his Dad to jump through hoops to cater for him. He's obviously pandered to at home, but DH tries not to. He'll cook food that DSS2 says he'll eat, then he'll sulk and refuse to even try it. DH is blind to it - so he'll tell him to eat, and I'll watch DSS move food around on his plate, then lie and tell his Dad that he's eaten it. I can't fathom why DH doesn't notice this... I guess I'm more observant! But invariably, DSS will lie about eating, then moan that he's hungry and demand pudding.

I try not to care - DH does the cooking when they're here as he enjoys cooking for them. If I cooked, it would piss me off even more, so I just dont' get involved.

Then there's just the general lying about everything. DSS makes up stories, which are obviously bullshit - but DH sucks it up and believes him. And he lies about doing 'chores'... DH will tell him to do something, he'll obviously not do it, lie and say he has, and DH will believe him.

Sometimes I'll call it out if I'm certain it's a lie - but then DH gets upset with him for lying and tells him off., which creates stress. I wish he'd just notice it at the time and nip it in the bud before I have to call it out but I think DH is usually too knackered/blinded by love to notice.

I feel like a wicked stepmum watching out for lies all the time! It drives me nuts. None of them are consequential, I wish I could just shrug my shoulders and say ah well... but it drives me nuts inside.

Then there's the food stealing - we can't have treats in the house because both DSS eat in secret and hide the evidence. I wish they'd just be honest and say 'I had a bag of crisps', but they seem unable to be honest about food. I keep finding empty packets hidden in drawers or stuffed behind the sofa - the other day I found an empty Pringles tube hidden away, one of them had eaten the whole lot when it was meant for us to share. The one that made me sad was I bought two big bags of jumbo marshmallows for us all to share when we go camping - and then I found the empty packets hidden in one of DSSs bedroom drawers after they'd left. DH won't challenge them on this - he just laughs and says oh dear.

Please help me to rise above it all!!!!!!

Sounds like typical teenager behaviour. My 15 DS eats a massive amount. They are involved in meal planning. Whatever is for dinner is all we are having. There are plenty of healthy snacks, chocolate, biscuits etc they are allowed to eat. We don't buy more once they have gone. There are other snacks which cannot be touched which are stored elsewhere. We have these for film night. Every family member has their own favourite treats which they don't have to share. It's the only way I can have the odd treat in.

This is an issue with your DH. He should be Neal planning and sorting groceries. Who pays for shopping? If you usually do, you oh needs to contribute more and plan meals for his DC.

I don't know why you are getting so angry about your SS not eating his tea.
They shouldn't have to admit to eating a pack of crisps at their dad's house ffs.

I think I'll store the 'sharing treats' somewhere safe, so that they don't get squirrelled away.

DH pays for the shopping, there's no issue there. He does meal plan - and tries to find something that DSS will eat, or will make us all something with a slight adaptation for DSS. But even then - DSS will refuse, push his food around on his plate, and sulk. Older DSS complains that their diet at home with their Mum is restricted to about 4 different meals to pander to his brother.

DH has got better at not pandering to him (when we first met he was sieving DSSs orange juice because 'he doesn't like the bits'.... that soon stopped when I pointed out how ridiculous it was). But he's blind to the lying. He'll tell DSS 'just eat some of the greens'... DSS pushes food around, tells him he's eaten it, I say 'no you haven't!' and he sulks even more.

Uuurgh. I just need a rant and to learn some coping strategies

This is not a hill I would die on. Pick a couple of things that really bother you and let the rest slide.

Your DH probably does notice his D's is not eaten what has been cooked for him. The DC are old enough to know better, they are still children though. Lying seems a bit strong. Your DH stepping up will help you cope better. Could the DC prepare something for everyone once in a while?

Eating tonnes of shite is fairly typical in my house. Loads more than I would like, but fairly typical in their friendship group.

It's not the having to admit it - it's the hiding the evidence then lying about it. Or eating all of something that was obviously meant to be shared (like two bags of marshmallows).

Obviously the crisps are for them, so of course they can eat them. But I just wish they would do it openly rather than hide it and lie.

I do need to learn to let things slide - it builds up and really gets under my skin when I know it shouldn't.

Older DSS is great and helps in the kitchen, and will eat anything. Younger DSS hides from helping, sneaks off when we're clearing up, does anything he can to get out of doing anything other than playing computer games. He's just more difficult to like to be honest.

One of my DC went through a very fussy stage and it was awful for everyone. We now make it a point not to talk about the food and what is getting eaten or not. There is no expectation that plates are cleared, a small pudding is allowed even if dinner isn't eaten. We serve food family style with plenty of healthy options.

Maybe the DC could make breakfast and lunch?

DS can eat a full pack of biscuits in a day. If he does, there are none for the rest of the week. It used to drive me nuts, now I don't get involved.

I think it is important for my DC to have access to food they do not need special permission to eat. In our house, fruit, veggies and toast are unlimited.

That reminds me, we once had one of our DC's friends over. They took a bite of every single thing in the fruit bowl. Little rascal was 8/9 and definitely knew better.

He'll tell DSS 'just eat some of the greens'... DSS pushes food around, tells him he's eaten it, I say 'no you haven't!' and he sulks even more.

Just to clarify that's you snitching, "no, you didnt". Not another a child? 😂😂 You're squabbling over veg?

I remember when I was a child, the biscuit tin was filled and when it was gone, there was nothing til the following week. Nothing except a massive moan from mum that there were none left for her. And my dad used to pick up big bags of fruit from the market twice a week and my mum used to split it between three fruit bowls because my sister and I were going through it too fast. The saying, when it's gone, it's gone, originated at our house. A long winded, way of saying... It was ever thus!

Teens: anything they can see they'll eat and anything you want to save, hide away. I wouldn't get heavy about it, or talk about 'stealing' as most teenagers would eat what's around. Just replace it and find a better hiding place.

It is understandable that this builds up under your skin. I think you are irritated at the DC when it is your DH that's a problem.

One of my friends DC is incredibly fussy. They make rude noises at the dinner table if they don't like what is on offer. It gets on my last nerve. I state this is not what we do at our table then talk to my friend afterwards. I will agree a meal plan in advance. I make it clear I don't want to hear noises and ' this is yucky'. If they don't like what we offer, my friend is very welcome to bring something for her DC. It took ages to get to a point that we have stress free meals. I need to protect that for my own sanity.

What they eat is really none of your business. Their dad buys the food. And teenager boys eat vast amounts.
The reason they are doing it in secret is that you keep criticising them for it.

My teenage ds eats at least two packs of crisps a day. He can be a picky eater as well. Just buy more crisps and hook hoops and let them get on with it. Lock anything special in your car until you need it, but otherwise, leave them to munch.

If there are critical food items for meal planning or allocation they should be designated in some fashion. The teens are household residents and are not stealing food.

Different parents have different philosophies on how to deal with particular eating habits. All parents must also be prepared to adapt to the child they have. Some children have underlying reasons for strong food aversions. Since we are just on a message board, we don’t know the situation. I will say that their father should consider that if he doesn’t see his children very often, making dinner an unpleasant experience may not be wise. That doesn’t mean serving ice cream for dinner, just serving a nutritious, in budget meal, that will actually be consumed without a battle.

They’re both overweight - the eldest is obese. It’s not my problem, I know, but DH does try to limit the amount of crap they eat by not having in the house.

They have unlimited access to fruit, salad, bread, cereal. DSS2 won’t touch any of it, and refuses breakfast until he’s allowed Nutella. Or he gets up before us and eats cakes for breakfast.

That stuff doesn’t get to me (although it’s an issue). It’s more the fact that he makes life difficult at every single meal. We do try to just not remark on it, since I’m sure it’s just attention seeking. But it’s hard.

Hes got an issue with leaving food - he will never finish anything, be it a meal or even a biscuit. He has to leave some of it behind, even when he’s clearly enjoying it. So we started just leaving it there and saying nothing. Lo and behold, often he’ll come back in his own time and finish it off.

You’re right - DH wants mealtimes to be happy, so tries to find something DSS will eat. But often DSS will change his mind after it’s been cooked - so he’ll say he likes pasta, but when it’s out in front of him he’ll decide he doesn’t like that particular kind of pasta. I think the issue is he is fed an extremely limited diet at home so he’s scared of anything new. DH really wants to introduce him to new stuff, and the eldest loves it - so he’s hoping that by seeing us all enjoy new things, youngest DSS will slowly open his mind.

There is something inherently wrong with describing it as "stealing" IMO

you sound very controlling about food

My DSs (teens) occasionally eat a whole bag of crisps or sweets.

It's normal for teens to occasionally binge like this and it is normal to grow out of it

I think your DH has the right attitude

Poor kids being watched and criticised every time they start eating, it's no wonder they hide it.

Look up The NACHO method of step parenting. You can’t care more than the parents. This saved my sanity (and relationship).

Not your kid, not your problem and let his dad deal with it.

@SimonaRazowska has hit the nail on the head.

You lack empathy, OP. This boy is crying out for his father’s attention, and comfort eating. He’s unhappy. Maybe he’s sad that, from his perspective, his dad has chosen you over him. He no longer feels the centre of his dad’s life. This is what all children want.

Can’t you see that?

My kids are exactly those ages.

Until ds1 hit puberty, we were one of those households where the dc eat incredibly healthily, are considerate about making sure there is enough food for others, no processed food ever, lots of veg and salad, etc. If we bought a pack of crisps it would linger in the pantry for weeks.

Since ds1 turned 12, he will eat anything and everything he can lay his hands on, the junkier the better. He will go through a pack of crisps in an hour and not even notice he's done it.

Now they are both teens, I can't keep up. I buy what I think is a month's worth of crap food and it will be gone in a week. In a restaurant, they will happily eat two main courses, as well as starters and sides. Veg and salad are completely ignored. From never having dessert, they have gone to eating sweets after every meal.

It feels like all the good work I put into giving them good eating habits has gone out the window, but I suspect that it is just their bodies going for the fastest energy they can get hold of to fuel their growth - ds1 went from 5 foot at 12 to 6 foot 1 at 15, and growing requires much more energy than anything else the body does.

I think it's just par for the course for being a teenage boy. It's a bit weird seeing it from the outside though!

I totally hear you OP.

The people throwing out random comments about being "jealous" etc are talking nonsense, this is just a cliche people who haven't actually been in this position like to massively overuse. Jealousy has nothing to do with it in the slightest, it's simply irritating being around annoying behaviour.

I tend to feel this way a lot during DSSs visits and tbh the only real way I have of dealing with it is to just get some space, avoid and disengage. If I'm feeling wound up I'll just make myself busy doing things elsewhere. I try to limit the amount of hours I spend in his company when his behaviour is really winding me up. I do housework, I eat separately (helps that we don't have space for us all at our table), I go shopping, I have long lie in's.

It's tough, but you've got to try and remember that it's your life being wasted by feeling irritated about something that doesn't need to be a concern for you. His behaviour is a problem for himself and his parents, it doesn't need to be a worry for you. You need to actively try and disengage from the things that stress you out, and sometimes the easiest way to do that is to get some physical space.

Sounds like typical teens. I'm sure if it were your own DCs, you would just suck it up.

Hide any food that you don't want eating. We have a lockable box in our bedroom where we hide goodies that we don't want the kids to eat. I sometimes label stuff in the fridge as "don't eat" and that works as well. They're not taking food to piss you off, they just feel hungry, open fridge, see food and take it.

Going to your DH with a face on and complaining about his kids will just make him defensive. None of what you are saying would cause me anything other than momentary irritation.

Jesus wept. They are kids with a weight problem already which will be on their minds. You then micro manage seemingly every mouthful they have and grass them up to their dad if they eat more/less than they say they’ve eaten? You admit your DH buys and prepares food so really, when it comes down to it, you’re picking at these kids because….you’re looking for something to pick at?

Your language is worrying. They are not 'stealing' food; they are eating food that their Dad has bought FOR THEM.

If you don't agree with their diet choices, that's your problem, not theirs.

Some kids are incredibly picky with food. They don’t generally do it in order to deliberately annoy people. You say his mum “panders” to him but surely she’s just cooking him food that she knows he’ll eat. If it’s that or him not eating and then scoffing crisps and cakes in secret surely it’s better to at least cook him meals he’ll like, even if they are the same handful of meals on repeat? Most kids do grow out of it eventually but I think your attitude towards this is completely wrong. You see it as stealing, being spoiled and indulging when it’s just the least worst option when you’ve got a fussy eater. Back off and let your dh deal with it if it annoys you too much. Hide the stuff you don’t want them to eat.