How do you rise above the irritating things - food stealing and lying

[BlackWhiteRed]

DH's children are due to come and stay with us for the holidays. I have no children of my own, so it's a big change to go from a household with no kids, to sharing with teenagers (15 & 12)

On the whole, i cope but certain things grind me down. DSS2 is an incredibly fussy eater, and expects his Dad to jump through hoops to cater for him. He's obviously pandered to at home, but DH tries not to. He'll cook food that DSS2 says he'll eat, then he'll sulk and refuse to even try it. DH is blind to it - so he'll tell him to eat, and I'll watch DSS move food around on his plate, then lie and tell his Dad that he's eaten it. I can't fathom why DH doesn't notice this... I guess I'm more observant! But invariably, DSS will lie about eating, then moan that he's hungry and demand pudding.

I try not to care - DH does the cooking when they're here as he enjoys cooking for them. If I cooked, it would piss me off even more, so I just dont' get involved.

Then there's just the general lying about everything. DSS makes up stories, which are obviously bullshit - but DH sucks it up and believes him. And he lies about doing 'chores'... DH will tell him to do something, he'll obviously not do it, lie and say he has, and DH will believe him.

Sometimes I'll call it out if I'm certain it's a lie - but then DH gets upset with him for lying and tells him off., which creates stress. I wish he'd just notice it at the time and nip it in the bud before I have to call it out but I think DH is usually too knackered/blinded by love to notice.

I feel like a wicked stepmum watching out for lies all the time! It drives me nuts. None of them are consequential, I wish I could just shrug my shoulders and say ah well... but it drives me nuts inside.

Then there's the food stealing - we can't have treats in the house because both DSS eat in secret and hide the evidence. I wish they'd just be honest and say 'I had a bag of crisps', but they seem unable to be honest about food. I keep finding empty packets hidden in drawers or stuffed behind the sofa - the other day I found an empty Pringles tube hidden away, one of them had eaten the whole lot when it was meant for us to share. The one that made me sad was I bought two big bags of jumbo marshmallows for us all to share when we go camping - and then I found the empty packets hidden in one of DSSs bedroom drawers after they'd left. DH won't challenge them on this - he just laughs and says oh dear.

Please help me to rise above it all!!!!!!

It IS selfish to eat all the snacks meant for sharing. We all knew that if we wanted cake or crisps between meals we had to ask, it might have been meant for lunches etc. Fruit or bread ok in moderation and we always knew that eating all of something (not ‘the last of’ but something more than one portion) was not acceptable. Because meals were planned and we didn’t have unlimited food money.

I would hate to live in a house where I couldn’t have something nice to eat occasionally when I fancied it unless I gobbled it all down the second it came back from the shop just in case someone was going to come along and hoover the whole packet up with no thought that I might want some.

I also feel that if you are not the one who does the shopping then you should ask before opening the new packet of marshmallows etc in case they are an ingredient as opposed to just for general eating. Takes two seconds to say ‘can I open these marshmallows?’ Rather than assuming everything is a free for all and easily replaced.

I would ask dp to buy plenty of fruit and a few crisps and nuts but not lots of junk as it sounds like dss2 is filling up on junk in place of proper food with nutrients. Ask him what fruit he likes, raspberries, strawberries etc then get lots of them. Tell him he can help himself if he feels peckish. I would insist all wrappers go in bin though otherwise you will get ants.

Exactly this.

OP I know from experience how frustrating this kind of thing can be (including the selective blindness on your DH's part!) You're not wrong to want the food-stealing (and when something's clearly been bought as a treat for everyone to share, imo hogging the lot does warrant the term 'stealing') to be addressed. It's just basic consideration for other people, which they should be being taught, and letting this stuff slide sends the message that there's no need to think of others besides oneself.

My DSD is an adult now (late 20s), admittedly has issues around food generally, but this is still happening when she visits. Imo her eating issues were never addressed properly when she was a child, and imo her parents have failed her on that front and the issues are persisting into adulthood. You're not wrong to want it taken seriously, for the kids' benefit as well as the rest of the family's.

Please link to the research papers that prove you can live off nothing but pizza and crisps for 20 years without damaging your immune system....

Eat crap for long enough and your immune system breaks down at the next infection.

Seriously? Do a bit of.research on type 1.

And please link to the research paper that shows type 1 diabetes is causes by poor diet.

www.diabetes.co.uk/causes-of-type1-diabetes.html

Major triggers for type 1 are viral infection and low vitamin D. Viral infection is more likely and more virulent with a poor diet. A good diet also provides adequate vitamin D in winter (oily fish).

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33801527/

academic.oup.com/cid/article/46/10/1582/294025

www.diabetes.org.uk/diabetes-the-basics/types-of-diabetes/type-1

Oh Jesus fucking wept.

I haven’t read the whole thread but enough to see the usual comments from posters who’ve never been in this position claiming poor kids, etc.

Ive been there as a childfree step mother and there is nothing like it! I had a pretty bad experience with super annoying badly behaved kids and their father who wouldn’t have a word said against them.

The only way I survived was to move out and leave them to it. I could not bear meal times, the squabbling and bad manners! Your DH sounds much more hands on, I was an unpaid skivvy whilst working full time. It was funny how this was an expectation from the kids particularly.

We survived and are still together but I never see the kids and live apart.

I think when we have dc that grow up from birth alongside us all these irritating behaviours just come gradually as they move towards teens and because we have a relationship with them we tolerate it. We have years of good times to offset the madness so we have some mercy. When you come into a child's life at that stage its more difficult to turn a blind eye. It's the bond between their Dad and them that enables him to endure annoying bits. If we were to pick up teens on everything we would be living in mayhem.
You absolutely need to let a lot of stuff over your head.

Do you have any or plan to have any children with dh?

I agree with you but what happens if the father (or non resident parent) wants a relationship with their kids and also doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life single?

These children are the product of parenting by none other than…. You husband and his ex.

So if you can’t stand his children and their behaviour, then OP - you fundamentally think your dh is a shite parent.

out of interest, taking the children out of the equation, how do you and he get on?

No need to blend families!

my two are not even teenagers and it wouldn’t matter if I met the man of my dreams. Not a bloody chance that I’m moving a man, and god forbid any of his children, in to the home of my children and me. Not a fucking chance

As you've never been a stepparent, you'll forgive us stepparents here on the stepparenting board if we choose to discount your opinion/judgement. You clearly have no idea of the complexities involved.

I started typing hours ago and was called away.
Sorry if this has already been said.

We have both biological children and step children living with us 24/7.

I treat them the same.

I have a wipe board in the kitchen they can write snack and meal requests on.

My menu for the week is written up and they get to choose which meal they'd like each night.

They have a snack drawer. I put a sensible amount in the drawer and hide the rest and bring it out in smaller quantities. Otherwise teenagers just blast through food at an amazing rate.

I feed them high protein and complex carbs to help reduce snacking.

Meals are put on the table and everyone helps themselves. This helps with plate pushers. Make sure there is something on the table everyone can enjoy. So a side of garlic bread with pasta and a salad. I often do the pasta with separate sauce. Supper is usually deconstructed so they can build the plate they will eat.

With the over helping themselves to portions. I put a side plate alongside and ask them to start off small and if they feel they must have four sausages then two can go on their side plate. Then when they realise they really can't manage four, they've not been touched and can go in the fridge as snacks. That saved me a lot of upset as I was regularly scraping food into the bin.

I've not had issues with stealing food. They know they can help themselves but will ask if it's after 4pm as I cook early.

I offer healthy snacks too like fruit platter or scrambled eggs on toast.

I'm a feeder, the one thing I've not had issue with is food.

At the moment, my daughter is sprawled in a pair of knickers on the sofa. She’s 11. Would she feel comfortable doing this around a step father? Or step siblings? Er no.

my son, about to turn 13 is quite randomly playing with soldiers that I’d left by back door to give to charity as he’d not touched in 5 years.

would he feel comfortable doing that around a step father or step siblings? Hell. No.

this is their home.

Why are you on step parenting then if you have zero experience of it?
Nobody likes other peoples kids, the same would apply to yours.
Don’t criticise situations you know nothing about.

Exactly, I don’t and the “complexities” will remain out of mine and most importantly, my children’s lives.

i don’t need to be a step parent to know that it sounds shit of most likely everyone in the scenario. Hence will avoid at all costs.

i don’t judge the step parent in this scenario. It sounds totally shit for her.
but I also think it sounds totally shit for the DH stick in the middle and the most importantly the children.

so no judgement but bafflement at what makes people think that blending families is not in all likelihood going to be pretty shit?

We all knew that if we wanted cake or crisps between meals we had to ask

How sad that you grew up under such a controlling attitude towards food. And I’m not surprised at all that deviating from this was labelled as “selfish”. Very emotionally manipulative.

I suppose it is like when I read a holiday thread about someone moaning how shot their holiday is.

transpires it is a road trip around Skegness in a 2 bed caravan with 4 children on a budget of £4.25 a day.

i don’t have any experience of this kind of holiday to know that it is utterly unappealing to me and even objectively speaking - sounds shit

It is the most shite experience of my life you’re right there.