How do you rise above the irritating things - food stealing and lying

[BlackWhiteRed]

DH's children are due to come and stay with us for the holidays. I have no children of my own, so it's a big change to go from a household with no kids, to sharing with teenagers (15 & 12)

On the whole, i cope but certain things grind me down. DSS2 is an incredibly fussy eater, and expects his Dad to jump through hoops to cater for him. He's obviously pandered to at home, but DH tries not to. He'll cook food that DSS2 says he'll eat, then he'll sulk and refuse to even try it. DH is blind to it - so he'll tell him to eat, and I'll watch DSS move food around on his plate, then lie and tell his Dad that he's eaten it. I can't fathom why DH doesn't notice this... I guess I'm more observant! But invariably, DSS will lie about eating, then moan that he's hungry and demand pudding.

I try not to care - DH does the cooking when they're here as he enjoys cooking for them. If I cooked, it would piss me off even more, so I just dont' get involved.

Then there's just the general lying about everything. DSS makes up stories, which are obviously bullshit - but DH sucks it up and believes him. And he lies about doing 'chores'... DH will tell him to do something, he'll obviously not do it, lie and say he has, and DH will believe him.

Sometimes I'll call it out if I'm certain it's a lie - but then DH gets upset with him for lying and tells him off., which creates stress. I wish he'd just notice it at the time and nip it in the bud before I have to call it out but I think DH is usually too knackered/blinded by love to notice.

I feel like a wicked stepmum watching out for lies all the time! It drives me nuts. None of them are consequential, I wish I could just shrug my shoulders and say ah well... but it drives me nuts inside.

Then there's the food stealing - we can't have treats in the house because both DSS eat in secret and hide the evidence. I wish they'd just be honest and say 'I had a bag of crisps', but they seem unable to be honest about food. I keep finding empty packets hidden in drawers or stuffed behind the sofa - the other day I found an empty Pringles tube hidden away, one of them had eaten the whole lot when it was meant for us to share. The one that made me sad was I bought two big bags of jumbo marshmallows for us all to share when we go camping - and then I found the empty packets hidden in one of DSSs bedroom drawers after they'd left. DH won't challenge them on this - he just laughs and says oh dear.

Please help me to rise above it all!!!!!!

.Once your child is a teenager you'll see how much of this behaviour is actually totally normal. They eat everything and if you don't want them to eat something, make sure they can't find it.

Give them a snack cupboard / drawer that they can have anytime, put the sharing stuff away, lock it if you have to.

A 12 year old is old enough to cook, find out what the 4 meals are, get the ingredients and give him the choice of eat the family meal or cook his own

@Discovereads It's not about restricting food, it's about raising kids who understand that if you eat all of something there is none left for anyone else and that is a problem. Especially when the thing in question was bought for a specific purpose.

I couldn't stand to raise such selfish people with so little empathy.

Once your child is a teenager you'll see how much of this behaviour is actually totally normal. They eat everything and if you don't want them to eat something, make sure they can't find it.

I've been a teenager, and a fairly greedy one at that. I know it's perfectly possible not to disregard everybody else in your household, thanks.

Yes we've all been teenagers. Being a teenager and parenting a teenager aren't the same thing at all.

Honestly I would make the 4 meals he will eat for him (freeze and reheat if poss) and everyone else eat normally. They can have a cupboard for whatever snacks they like and when they're gone they're gone. Your snacks and treats keep somewhere for yourself. Don't pick up wrappers leave them. Then do a big house clean get everyone involved, make the boys move the sofa and clear up any of the wrappers themselves. When the wrappers are exposed say something like "oh I didn't know the sofa doubled as a bin. Next time throw things away properly" and leave it at that. It's annoying because it's your home too and as much as I'm sure you love your husband it's horrible when you feel like your home is being taken over. That though is sometimes what happens with blended families. It will sort it self out and the kids will get older. Also maybe a few meals you can eat and excuse yourself early so you don't have to watch it as much - work call or you're popping out to see a friend (something - anything). I feel.for you OP. People's own children drive them mad and its worse when they aren't yours because you don't have the rose tinted glasses of unconditional love.

Yes we've all been teenagers. Being a teenager and parenting a teenager aren't the same thing at all.

They both give perfectly decent insight into what it's like to be one, actually being one gives more than assigning motives to your own teens because you can't bear to think ill of them.

If I or any other teen I knew had simply eaten whatever we wanted, including food we knew was for a specific purpose, that would not have been ok and we would have been being selfish.

Yes teens are greedy and will eat a lot. That does not mean it isn't selfish of them to eat the food they knew was for something else.

I think you need to stop watching what your step-son eats. I just don't understand why it matters to you so much?

If my husband started to develop strong opinions about what my daughter (his step-daughter) eats and go on at me about it, I would lose patience quite quickly. And just find it very strange that he cared that much to be frank.

Just try and leave the lad be and worrying about other things. Presumably he's more likely to stop lying about what he has eaten if he doesn't feel it's under scrutiny.

I don’t think it’s selfish or lacking empathy to eat food even if it means you’re finishing off the Pringles or eating the last Cornetto. It is by definition restricting food if eating it in any context is “a problem” and gets the person called “selfish” and “lacking in empathy”. Food is for fuel and enjoyment it should never be linked to emotions or morality imho.

The way this works in practice is whoever finishes something off, just notes it on the grocery list so we can get more of it in. We don’t get upset if we open the fridge because we wanted a sausage roll with lunch and find they’ve all been eaten. We shrug and figure out something else to eat. Life is too short to be getting upset over who ate what and why are there no pretzels left.

Listen, it's not your job to police these kids, your job is to build a decent relationship and be a general decent grown up person they can rely on. You're not going to change the younger DSS's issues by huffing and sniping. Buy the snacks you can afford in your household budget (and these boys are part of your household, whether you like it or not), and let them feed themselves. Serve the food your household prefers and let them feed themselves. I like putting serving dishes on the table and letting picky eaters choose for themselves. What's the point of making huge issues out of food? Do you realize that's a factor in the 'stealing'? You need to shake off this attitude of resentment and snitching, it helps no one.

It’s no big deal that they’re eating crisps but you’re right, they shouldn’t be ‘hiding’ the packets. The packets should go in the bin.

They shouldn’t be eating all of a food that they know is for sharing though. I know teenagers eat a lot, but nobody needs to eat an entire tube of Pringles or a big bag of sharing marshmallows. Not only is it clearly unhealthy (especially for teenagers who are already overweight/obese) but it’s hugely inconsiderate. I’m amazed that so many people are just telling you that you need to basically suck it up and just start hiding the food in your car or locking it away. It’s not normal teenage behaviour for teens who have a bit of respect for others.

The lying would bother me too, but if your husband knows it’s happening and isn’t doing much to address it then there’s not much you can do. With the housework, does their lying create extra work for you? My step daughters are lovely (although admittedly pre-teen), but if they’d been asked to do a job and then lied about doing it I would expect their dad to do it if he wasn’t going to bother making them do it.

Welcome to teens eating everything in sight.

I don't understand why you'd bother about the one with sensory issues? Their dad sounds nice. I used to be forced to eat things I didn't like and I puked, felt sick, cried and was miserable. I'm autistic but wasn't diagnosed at the time.

Mine could have easily eaten a whole tube of Pringles. And gone back for more.

You should disengage and ket their dad manage it.

Also. They're not stealing food. Your language around that is problematic.

Your home is also your stepchildren's home, for at least part of the time, and they also have another home where things may be done differently. I am not convinced that children should be allowed to help themselves to whatever is in the fridge or cupboard without asking first, but if that is how they were brought up and how it still works in their other home, it's a bit unfair to expect them to live by different rules when they are with their dad. And any issues with food or weight are potentially sensitive and better addressed by him.

I really wish people would stop pretending the food eating in secret and the lies are normal behaviour for teens.

Not normal at all.

Mine could have easily eaten a whole tube of Pringles. And gone back for more.

Yes of course they could. But just because you can doesn't mean you should! And if you wonder why I care about what my DSC eat under my roof - it's because it is linked to their health and their ability to work and continue working and not be landed with massive bills when the NHS won't operate on them for the next 2 years.... Bad food habits lead to bad physical and mental health and poor life outcomes. I care about the DSC and want them to have a good life and not be dependent on being cared for by reluctant partners.

Teens have poor impulse control.

FYI that child of mine is now in their 30s, praying sport, healthy and despite having been a chubby teen until their height caught up, a perfectly healthy weight.

I stopped making mine ask for food when they went to secondary school. That's controlling, in my opinion.

@Discovereads I'm clearly not talking about just eating the last of something, obviously someone will be the last to eat something that's in the house. I'm talking about eating it all in one go when you're fully aware it was meant to last longer than that - so the entire tube of Pringles to yourself, or the whole box of Cornettos. Even worse when it isn't just something you know was supposed to be for everyone but at an undisclosed time (like the above), but was something clearly earmarked for a specific meal or occasion.

This is selfish behaviour.

I care what my DC eat. It’s insulting you think only parents who restrict food care. The thing is though is that teenagers will be adults living on their own soon without a parent about to say “don’t eat that” or “eat your veg” and so on. They have to learn to make choices for themselves and to self regulate before they leave home. That’s why I take a more hands off approach and offer healthy choices. It’s better they learn while still at home than the first time they have freedom be when hundreds of miles from home with all the temptations of alcohol at Freshers and Pizza delivery on tap.

Teens have poor impulse control.

Not just teens....

I haven’t misunderstood you. I simply disagree that it’s selfish.

*playing.

He's an atheist. As it happens. 😂

I haven’t misunderstood you. I simply disagree that it’s selfish.

So if you bought something to make for dinner and your kids ate it as a snack, that wouldn't be selfish?

Well if they hadn't been specifically told it was for a dinner I wouldn't get my knickers in a knot about it.

I used to put labels on food bought for specific meals / occasions with 'DO NOT EAT' on them.