How do you rise above the irritating things - food stealing and lying

[BlackWhiteRed]

DH's children are due to come and stay with us for the holidays. I have no children of my own, so it's a big change to go from a household with no kids, to sharing with teenagers (15 & 12)

On the whole, i cope but certain things grind me down. DSS2 is an incredibly fussy eater, and expects his Dad to jump through hoops to cater for him. He's obviously pandered to at home, but DH tries not to. He'll cook food that DSS2 says he'll eat, then he'll sulk and refuse to even try it. DH is blind to it - so he'll tell him to eat, and I'll watch DSS move food around on his plate, then lie and tell his Dad that he's eaten it. I can't fathom why DH doesn't notice this... I guess I'm more observant! But invariably, DSS will lie about eating, then moan that he's hungry and demand pudding.

I try not to care - DH does the cooking when they're here as he enjoys cooking for them. If I cooked, it would piss me off even more, so I just dont' get involved.

Then there's just the general lying about everything. DSS makes up stories, which are obviously bullshit - but DH sucks it up and believes him. And he lies about doing 'chores'... DH will tell him to do something, he'll obviously not do it, lie and say he has, and DH will believe him.

Sometimes I'll call it out if I'm certain it's a lie - but then DH gets upset with him for lying and tells him off., which creates stress. I wish he'd just notice it at the time and nip it in the bud before I have to call it out but I think DH is usually too knackered/blinded by love to notice.

I feel like a wicked stepmum watching out for lies all the time! It drives me nuts. None of them are consequential, I wish I could just shrug my shoulders and say ah well... but it drives me nuts inside.

Then there's the food stealing - we can't have treats in the house because both DSS eat in secret and hide the evidence. I wish they'd just be honest and say 'I had a bag of crisps', but they seem unable to be honest about food. I keep finding empty packets hidden in drawers or stuffed behind the sofa - the other day I found an empty Pringles tube hidden away, one of them had eaten the whole lot when it was meant for us to share. The one that made me sad was I bought two big bags of jumbo marshmallows for us all to share when we go camping - and then I found the empty packets hidden in one of DSSs bedroom drawers after they'd left. DH won't challenge them on this - he just laughs and says oh dear.

Please help me to rise above it all!!!!!!

She's specifically said they are taking food intended for everyone. They are not just taking food intended for them.

Take them out to the supermarket and give them each a budget for snacks for a set period. Put them in a box with their name on and make it absolutely clear that it's for them whenever they want them but once they're gone, they're gone. Any other snacks in the house are not to be eaten and there will be absolutely no snacks during the next visit if they take things which have often been bought for a specific purpose.

They sound awful, OP.

I can't understand why people are making excuses for the lies and the stealing. But this is MN and people love to give step mothers a good kicking.

For weird reasons of their own. Bizarre.

Depends whether or not the children understand that the food is intended for a specific purpose or is free for all? For example, if I bought two bags of marshmallows for a family event, I would make sure my kids knew they weren’t to touch them until said event. If I put two bags of marshamallows in my cupboard and said nothing, I don’t expected they would be there very long.

Oh, I get it @BlackWhiteRed . Watching kids self destruct under your roof with appalling food choices is teeth grinding! I do the cooking, so my solution was to create tastealike versions of junky favourites with healthier ingredients. The food bill is astronomic, but I weigh it against the cost of private medicine or length of future stays in nursing homes!

If DS wants to eat cake, make a batch of healthier stuff and leave it out for them. Bung in ground almonds, oats, more eggs, coconut flakes, chia seeds, dates etc and reduce the sugar.

I'd like to design one of those cat feeding toys, but for teenagers. Lots of puzzles to solve and weird twisty positions to get into before the safe with the food opens up!

Similar to other posters I think you are part of the problem tbh.

The younger DS who is a fussy eater and won’t drink orange juice with bits in sounds a lot like my one DC with sensory issues who is a very fussy eater. It’s not “pandering” to respect sensory issues and try and feed them good food that they can tolerate. I don’t understand why you stopped your DH from giving the younger DS orange juice with no bits- it’s not at all “ridiculous” when you have sensory issues.

Just let your DH parent his children his way and stop the criticism at meal times. Being called a liar about eating veg makes meals very stressful and would put even an adult of wanting to eat in front on a constant criticiser…this is also driving them to eat in secret because it’s only time to eat without being chipped away at.

I agree too your language is all wrong regarding “stealing food”. These are teenage boys eating food bought for them by their father, they’re not stealing food. Teenagers are like locusts, the best approach I have found is to stock up not forbid them foods or shame them for snacking,

In regards to them being overweight, can’t remember which one doesn’t clear his plate, but you are sabotaging his efforts to not overeat by encouraging him to clear his plate by leaving it out to be finished off later. Stop doing that. It’s a good thing he is stopping when he’s not hungry and leaving food on his plate, not a bad thing. When he leaves the dinner table, clear the food away. Don’t leave it out to silently guilt him.

So? They are 50% of “everyone” so any food their dad buys is fair game imho.

So? They are 50% of “everyone” so any food their dad buys is fair game imho.

Well for starters some were bought for a specific purpose, but it is not "fair game" to eat all of the snacks purchased for the whole family to share in one sitting just because their dad bought it, nobody would say this about a child that wasn't a step child.

Honestly this defensive excusing of what is blatantly basic bad behaviour is really bizarre.

I'm sorry op but you just scream resentment towards these poor children.
You don't have children of your own and it clearly shows but sadly you also don't seem to understand that your dh is their dad.
They are entitled to whatever their father provides for them and it absolutely isn't anything to do with you and keeping score of food etc makes you sound miserable and petty.
I'm a step mother of 3 and it is completely different to having your own child and I absolutely understand the difficulties but I don't think you can go on like this long term for anyones sake .
It will destroy all the relationships involved.

When he leaves the dinner table, clear the food away. Don’t leave it out to silently guilt him.

Or he could clear it away himself, as he's not 5 years old.

Isn't dc being the centre of their dp's world creating disappointment when The Real World isn't like that?
I have had to put a lock on my bedroom door as ASD ds steals food. Impulse behaviour. Snacks aren't restricted but he was eating- like your dss - the entire selection.
Actually he seems happier now the temptation has been removed.. He has free rein to fruit and toast but not crisps and chocolate. Biscuits are hidden with the ddog food!!
Gredy dc aren't all depressed papa has a new life!

They’re not eating “all the snacks purchased for the whole family in one sitting”
Stop exaggerating. It’s a tube of Pringles here, a bag of marshmallows there, a bag or two of crisps and not in one sitting but over the course of days. That is perfectly normal for teen boys and not bad behaviour imho.

I don't think it is! If I bought something for all of us and dh ate it all I'd be mad. I'd also be mad if the kids did it, and I'd expect them to be mad at me if I did it. Its greedy and they need to learn to share.

Hiding the food suggests they know it's not okay.

People saying you'd let it go, I bloody wouldn't! Its not about the food it's about the dishonesty and the selfishness, and tbh if my child was obese id be trying to fix it not babying them even more.

I wouldn't get involved in the meal times if they don't eat veg I couldn't be arsed pointing it out. But the hiding wrappers isn't normal teenage behaviour at all. Set your bars higher people.

Yes he could, but it sounded to me like OP is making him leave it out as she said she had decided that a plate with all the food not eaten should stay left out for him to finish later. That’s pressuring him to eat more.

Since when did 'Snacks' constitute an essential food group? All they do is make you obese, they are not necessary for healthy development. Just look at the cohort that spent their childhoods in wartime - despite all the stress, the extreme food rationing, the bombs, being sent away to strangers, they lived longer than previous (and probably future) generations.

I'm also confused about this. Their dad is sorting out their food and it's not affecting you so what's the problem. And they are teens, they are sometimes bottomless pits. I can't get worked up over a packet of crisps. It sounds like you don't like them or enjoy being around them?

I agree hiding food, eating in secret and hiding wrappers is not normal behaviour but that is caused by a certain someone

• making mealtimes stressful by watching every mouthful and calling the DSSs out as “liars” on what they are or are not eating


• influencing their dad to ignore any sensory issues so often the foods are not palatable to them


• getting angry and accusing them of “stealing food” if they snack more than she thinks they should or eat too much in her opinion of a particular snack or happens to eat something she wants for special.

I am setting the bar higher…for the OP.

Eating a bag of crisps at their Dad’s house isn’t stealing. You don’t sound as if you like them much.

So I personally think it's the height of rudeness for children to take food without asking! So I'm completely with you on that - it's something that wouldn't have even occurred to me as a child.
I think the way forward is for DSS to start cooking meals WITH his dad and make it a fun thing. My DH cooks all manner of things with our daughter and it's amazing what she eats now. She went from refusing to eat any veg, to now asking for carrots as a snack as she loves helping peel them and chop them up.

Ultimately though, it's a conversation to have with your husband.

OP i dont like the bits in my orange so i get it pulp free or yes i would sieve them out, its hardly uncommon.

How often do the kids stay with their dad ? Are they uncomfortable at the house or is it like a home from home?

I cant stand lying, but its up to your DH to notice this and call it out if its that important to him about the veg at tea time.
We have a no veg no snacks sort of rule in our house.

You simply dont get to live on rubbish food, but thats easy for our DS as he has consistency. Rather than potentially 2 sets of rules.
I would not have our DS eating crisps for breakfast, it would be finish breakfast, then fruit, then crisps if still hungry.

Ultimately its up to your DH to manage this and try and help improve his childs health by reducing his weight.

Take a step back, explain to your DH if he says to his kids to do somethings its up to him to watch and ensure they follow it through, if he cares about it.

They’re not eating “all the snacks purchased for the whole family in one sitting”
Stop exaggerating. It’s a tube of Pringles here, a bag of marshmallows there, a bag or two of crisps and not in one sitting but over the course of days. That is perfectly normal for teen boys and not bad behaviour imho

I meant eating each individual snack in one sitting, I'm not exaggerating. I think it's more likely they ate the whole tube of Pringles in one sitting rather than over the course of days and OP somehow didn't notice it depleting.

That is bad behaviour. There are a lot of people here who seem to take the in my opinion quite strange approach of "it's been bought and therefore it's totally fine for you to eat anything you want" as gospel, and assume that anyone that doesn't think this MUST be motivated by jealousy and hating step children. That is absolute bullshit. Many parents do not allow their teens to eat all of the snacks in the house purely because it has been bought. Something like a whole tube of Pringles intended for everyone is not fair game.

Snacks don’t make you obese. It’s over eating (plus genetic or chronic illness factors) that make you obese. It doesn’t matter how often you eat, all that matters is how much you eat overall.

@BlackWhiteRed

first if all you need to understand that kids hitting puberty (yes, especially boys) nearly all eat enough to feed an adult couple, they have high calorie needs.

most of them prefer junk to veg.

however, in addition, it sounds like the youngest has undiagnosed issues.

when he says he will eat pasta, then he doesn't want to eat what's presented to him. He's not 'being difficult or changing his mind'. In his eyes it's not what he agreed to eat (he may have been thinking pasta with a tomato sauce & cheese, whilst Dad has cooked a creamy pasta or even a pasta with a red sauce that's different to his mums.

why not just cook him the meals exactly as HE likes them & put a small amount of what you three are having on the side for him to try IF he wants to.

Then his parents need to consider what other things might lead to getting him assessed for additional needs.

you need to allow them to eat what's in the cupboards with a box or something where you put the few items they have to ask to have.

you will NOT address their weight by restricting their food like this, they'll just be sneaky about it. You (rather their parents) need to encourage & enable FUN exercise.

but they are NOT stealing!! That's a horrible way to talk/think about it.

You have Nutella and cake in the house? Maybe remove it. Nobody needs Nutella.

Teenagers eat a lot, they're also stubborn and difficult and moody. I have a small DD (and an older DS) and they're both annoyingly fussy with food despite the fact they both used to eat really well. You can't force feed them.

I don't know if it's just because of the way you're writing but the way you speak about them is really not very nice.

@aSofaNearYou
”There are a lot of people here who seem to take the in my opinion quite strange approach of "it's been bought and therefore it's totally fine for you to eat anything you want" as gospel, and assume that anyone that doesn't think this MUST be motivated by jealousy and hating step children. That is absolute bullshit. Many parents do not allow their teens to eat all of the snacks in the house purely because it has been bought. Something like a whole tube of Pringles intended for everyone is not fair game.”

Fair enough we just have different parenting approaches. I disagree with any parent that has your approach. I don’t care if they are a step parent or not so I don’t think your approach is motivated by jealousy or hating step children. From my perspective food is bought to be eaten and teenagers are old enough to know when they are hungry and old enough to make their own food choices. My job is to ensure there are healthy choices available to them in the house. I have found that trying to control or restrict food just creates the “forbidden fruit” paradigm and as soon as teens get their own money, they’re off eating bucket loads Micky Ds or KFC in secret or buying a bag of junk food at the Co op and wolfing it down in the local park.