How do you rise above the irritating things - food stealing and lying

[BlackWhiteRed]

DH's children are due to come and stay with us for the holidays. I have no children of my own, so it's a big change to go from a household with no kids, to sharing with teenagers (15 & 12)

On the whole, i cope but certain things grind me down. DSS2 is an incredibly fussy eater, and expects his Dad to jump through hoops to cater for him. He's obviously pandered to at home, but DH tries not to. He'll cook food that DSS2 says he'll eat, then he'll sulk and refuse to even try it. DH is blind to it - so he'll tell him to eat, and I'll watch DSS move food around on his plate, then lie and tell his Dad that he's eaten it. I can't fathom why DH doesn't notice this... I guess I'm more observant! But invariably, DSS will lie about eating, then moan that he's hungry and demand pudding.

I try not to care - DH does the cooking when they're here as he enjoys cooking for them. If I cooked, it would piss me off even more, so I just dont' get involved.

Then there's just the general lying about everything. DSS makes up stories, which are obviously bullshit - but DH sucks it up and believes him. And he lies about doing 'chores'... DH will tell him to do something, he'll obviously not do it, lie and say he has, and DH will believe him.

Sometimes I'll call it out if I'm certain it's a lie - but then DH gets upset with him for lying and tells him off., which creates stress. I wish he'd just notice it at the time and nip it in the bud before I have to call it out but I think DH is usually too knackered/blinded by love to notice.

I feel like a wicked stepmum watching out for lies all the time! It drives me nuts. None of them are consequential, I wish I could just shrug my shoulders and say ah well... but it drives me nuts inside.

Then there's the food stealing - we can't have treats in the house because both DSS eat in secret and hide the evidence. I wish they'd just be honest and say 'I had a bag of crisps', but they seem unable to be honest about food. I keep finding empty packets hidden in drawers or stuffed behind the sofa - the other day I found an empty Pringles tube hidden away, one of them had eaten the whole lot when it was meant for us to share. The one that made me sad was I bought two big bags of jumbo marshmallows for us all to share when we go camping - and then I found the empty packets hidden in one of DSSs bedroom drawers after they'd left. DH won't challenge them on this - he just laughs and says oh dear.

Please help me to rise above it all!!!!!!

I respect your experience also. Yes, I have been on the weight loss threads and the experience of adults struggling with self regulation and even with eating disorders is very eye opening. My DH struggles with his over eating/weight and was raised in a food control/restriction environment complete with punishment and shaming. I was raised in food poverty and don’t struggle with self regulation or an eating disorder.

I think this is a neglected area of study to be fair.

No just to clarify - DSS leaves food (often 80% of the plate) then leaves the dinner table to go play computer games while we're still eating.

If his food is still on his plate when we're finished eating, we call him back to clear his plate away. I don't see why anyone should do it for him.

Yes, DH is very worried about their weight and has raised it with their mother. She's unwilling to admit it.

We do try to have very little junk food in the house. DH buys crisps etc for packed lunches when we're out and about. I bought the jumbo marshmallows with both boys with me in the shop and specifically said they were for camping. I was gutted to find both packets empty in his sock drawer after he left.

This is exactly the situation we're in.

We won't make different meals for fussy DSS. DH asks him in general what he likes/doesn't like this week, and will leave some stuff out from his plate e.g. won't give him the mushrooms, or puts less spice in. But that's it.

I honestly think that the reason DSS is like this is because he's been allowed to, and has been babied by his mother (I have ample other examples). When I first met him he told me his mother told him he had a water allergy because he did that thing that a lot of kids do by licking their lips too much so they get sore. I bought him lots of chap sticks and his 'allergy' has myteriously disappeared.

Elder DSS also over orders on meals, but he enjoys food, will try everything, and never ever complains. He's the one doing most of the secret eating though, I think he has food compulsion problems. He needs treating with empathy and sensitivity - I have no issue with him. It's his sneaky brother I struggle with who lies to his Dad's face and smirks.

They don't live with DH. When they did - they wereh't overweight.

Since they moved with their Mum, they eat crap, and then get through a tub of ice cream a night - their words. That is why they are overweight - certaintly not because of anything DH or I am doing!

Bloody hell OP, are you me?! Your stepsons sound identical to mine.

How do you cope?!

This thread has gone down a rabbit hole discussing healthy eating. Yes, their food habits are the trigger for me, but my original question was about how step parents cope when they can see bad behaviour, but the resident parent seems blind to it.

At the moment, I have a quiet word with DH to say "did you not see XYZ happening? You were literally sitting opposite when it happened". or "Do you not realise that DSS just lied to you about X?" but it causes tension. DH always believes me, and will then go and tell DSS off after the event. But I wish he would just SEE it happening and nip it in the bud at the time.

I just want coping strategies to try and rise above it.

THank you everyone for all your experiences with teen DCs - but what I'm talking about is coping with teenagers who are NOT my children. It's very different.

You've either got to disengage from it OP, or make it a joke, make a bingo card and for every 5 lies give yourself a treat (so you'll find it funny rather than overwhelmingly irritating) or call it out yourself. The issue is you telling your dh, stop telling him. Take your power back.

@BlackWhiteRed

The problem is, the DSC know that Dad doesn't notice this stuff without you to point it out! They've been banking on it Then you get the resentment back because of this, and 'Dad, you've changed since you and X moved in together, I want the old Dad back...'

Dad needs to man up and have some pretty adult conversations with the DSC about health, other people's needs, other people's spaces etc. Unless he is firm with them, they are going to begrudge you having any say at all in how your home runs. 'Why can't we just do things the way we've always done it at Mum's?'
'Why does SHE have to be here..' and on, and on.

@BlackWhiteRed I cope because the older one has now left home and the younger one now eats what he's given because we didn't pander to him.

In terms of the behaviour issues I would seriously take a massive step backwards and let your husband deal with it (or not). You have to remember that it's not your problem, and do not let it wind you up. Go out - arrange things to do for yourself when they're visiting. Remove yourself from the situation. I'm not saying totally avoid them, just create some time for you and leave them to it.

Sorry if missed
how regularly do you have the children?

And how long have you been in their lives?

and two packs of jumbo marshamallows for a family of 4…. How long were you going camping for?!

When an issue is emotionally charged it can be good to seek a logistical solution
(rather than a parenting-philosophy one), to avoid drama when you can.
So I agree with the person who suggested bringing out the snacks a little at a time. And anything off limits, label as such or keep it separate.
It’s extra work/cost, but getting individual sized snack packages might help given that you have this particular problem.
(Or you can get DH, as they are his kids, to help you portion stuff out into individual sized ziplock bags). If the teens question it, explain (factually, with no accusatory undertone) that the snacks were going so fast, this way everyone can still enjoy them but we can all pace ourselves a bit.

If a 15 year old wants strained juice, perhaps they could just be given the same juice as everyone else, plus a spare cup and strainer?
That way, they aren’t being denied the right to have their food their way, but no one is doing a task for them that they are clearly physically able to do themselves.
I have a pre teen and it’s so much work trying to gradually transition them into the “I need to own this activity myself now that I’m older” school of thought.

Family style meals work great - kids feel like they have choice, but you have provided healthy choices. As an adult I prefer this way to serve meals myself, I don’t always want the exact portion size or side dish that my husband has doled our for me and I’m sure he feels the same about my meals.

Every other weekend, and half the school holidays.

How long have you been in their lives op?

We can't leave any snacks out here, she says her mums house is sugar free so gets nothing (but is a chronic liar and loves the woe is me game) so I leave out the minimum she's allowed here and lock the rest away. Not ideal but otherwise I'd have no pack lunch by Tuesday as she'd eat it all. Gets me so down, my children work and buy their own treats, she refuses so refuse to have her eat everything here and leave me with us with nothing

These are all non issues. If you have a fussy eater especially at that age, you cater for it. Just cook him what he likes or accept that he hasn't eaten the meal and allow him to make himself whatever he wants. Unless you are living in poverty and cannot afford it, why make this the issue? The child is obviously pretending to eat it because you are making it such an issue. Relax and allow him to be who he is. Likewise treats. Stop making a big deal about food. Buy plenty of bloody crisps so they can eat what they want.

A lot of blanket assumptions that everyone just allows their kids to eat as much junk food as they want here.

They are both overweight, and the eldest is obese. They both binge on sweets if they're allowed to and are not being taught any self control by their mother. They will happily eat a whole packet of biscuits and a large sharing bar of chocolate in one go when they're at their mother's house.

So no - we won't just allow them to carry on doing that in our house, they need to learn that there is an alternative way which involves some self control.

I think not doing that is neglectful when at least one of them has now developed health issues which will probably stick with them their entire life.