How do you rise above the irritating things - food stealing and lying

[BlackWhiteRed]

DH's children are due to come and stay with us for the holidays. I have no children of my own, so it's a big change to go from a household with no kids, to sharing with teenagers (15 & 12)

On the whole, i cope but certain things grind me down. DSS2 is an incredibly fussy eater, and expects his Dad to jump through hoops to cater for him. He's obviously pandered to at home, but DH tries not to. He'll cook food that DSS2 says he'll eat, then he'll sulk and refuse to even try it. DH is blind to it - so he'll tell him to eat, and I'll watch DSS move food around on his plate, then lie and tell his Dad that he's eaten it. I can't fathom why DH doesn't notice this... I guess I'm more observant! But invariably, DSS will lie about eating, then moan that he's hungry and demand pudding.

I try not to care - DH does the cooking when they're here as he enjoys cooking for them. If I cooked, it would piss me off even more, so I just dont' get involved.

Then there's just the general lying about everything. DSS makes up stories, which are obviously bullshit - but DH sucks it up and believes him. And he lies about doing 'chores'... DH will tell him to do something, he'll obviously not do it, lie and say he has, and DH will believe him.

Sometimes I'll call it out if I'm certain it's a lie - but then DH gets upset with him for lying and tells him off., which creates stress. I wish he'd just notice it at the time and nip it in the bud before I have to call it out but I think DH is usually too knackered/blinded by love to notice.

I feel like a wicked stepmum watching out for lies all the time! It drives me nuts. None of them are consequential, I wish I could just shrug my shoulders and say ah well... but it drives me nuts inside.

Then there's the food stealing - we can't have treats in the house because both DSS eat in secret and hide the evidence. I wish they'd just be honest and say 'I had a bag of crisps', but they seem unable to be honest about food. I keep finding empty packets hidden in drawers or stuffed behind the sofa - the other day I found an empty Pringles tube hidden away, one of them had eaten the whole lot when it was meant for us to share. The one that made me sad was I bought two big bags of jumbo marshmallows for us all to share when we go camping - and then I found the empty packets hidden in one of DSSs bedroom drawers after they'd left. DH won't challenge them on this - he just laughs and says oh dear.

Please help me to rise above it all!!!!!!

Obviously I'm talking about things they know are supposed to be for something else.

Well it wasn't obvious to me.

Telling teens isn't enough at times. It goes in one ear and out the other - hence me writing labels on.

Jesus that's a huge leap from a tube of pringles. Calm down there Calamity Jane

This is just normal teen behaviour.

That's what being in a house with teens is.

It's not 'stealing' food. They aren't shoplifting it. If you want food hidden, hide it.

Almost all DC's don't eat everything on every plate every time.

You are sweating over small stuff that doesn't really matter.

If you don't want to be a step mum break up with DP.

Well that’s highly unlikely for teens as they are also lazy (except for when their friends need them) and aren’t going to be chopping veg, breaking out pots and pans or using the oven to quell those snack hunger pangs. In fact your hypothetical scenario has never happened with my 4 teen DC.

But, yes, say this scenario did happen. Say I’d bought something for dinner and they ate it before said dinner, I truly don’t think it’s selfish. Food is for eating. I may have plans about what we are going to eat when, but they’re not set in stone and I’m a laid back type of person. We do often sort of drift together as we come home in the afternoon and one of us says “you know what I don’t feel like eating whatever is on the menu for today” and another of us will go “same here” and we will go over the options of what we have and change dinner there and then…

My only goal to the DC is reduce food waste. As in if you aren’t sure which thing you’d like most to eat, go for the thing with the earliest expiry date.

Jesus that's a huge leap from a tube of pringles. Calm down there Calamity Jane

And this attitude is precisely why we have such an unhealthy population. Read the ingredients on the packets. Would you feed it to your dog on a daily basis?
And if not, is it because you don't want to pay the vet's bills?

Yeah there's an argument there, but I still think it's pretty infantilising. Teens should be able to comprehend from a lifetime of not being allowed to eat a whole tub of Pringles or a whole box of cornettos that these are not intended to be eaten in one go.

They shouldn't be incapable of remembering the food in the fridge is meant for meals, or asking if they're not sure, either.

But regardless, whether it needs labelling or not is not really the point. The point is if they DO know it's for something else, either by engaging their brain or by reading the labels, then it's selfish to eat it all.

@Discovereads It's clear you're a laid back person but you're talking about things that are clearly selfish behaviour and reframing them to sound not selfish. Discussing not fancying what's for dinner with your mum is vastly different from just eating what was intended for that night with zero consultation or thought into what could replace it. That sort of behaviour is inconsiderate and has obvious implications when applied to things that aren't food. The "take what you want from me even if it leaves me with nothing and in a tricky position of needing to replace it because I am laid back and don't mind" is not raising people that have any regard for others.

Something to try-
cook the meals that their DM cooks but also cook some extras and have a mixture of foods served family style. The older DSS will then get to eat different foods and the younger DSS might try some of the different bits. I do this and it’s successful over time. For the first few weeks it won’t change much but after a while he might give the new foods a go. Especially if it’s not mentioned. Don’t ask if he wants a bit. Don’t tell him to eat. We just say things like, don’t you think these prawns are particularly juicy. Or wow these ‘insert food here’ is really crunchy. To each other (adults) and sometimes it grabs their curious side.

Honestly this defensive excusing of what is blatantly basic bad behaviour is really bizarre.

I agree in relation to the stealing of food meant for all.

This is not on.

I suggest you stop buying food to share, OP and any that you do buy that you intend to have some of you lock away.

I'd also put all food packets lying around the house somewhere public and openly ask who ate them!

I do read the packets. Both for the food we humans eat and for the dogs.

I don't feed my human people dog food.

No, it’s not selfish behaviour imho. And it’s just food bought for everyone, it doesn’t belong to any one person.

I’m not at all advocating “take what you want from me even if it leaves me with nothing and in a tricky position of needing to replace it”. Because once food is bought with family money, it is family food and not my food. Eating it doesn’t take anything ‘from me’ nor does it ‘leave me with nothing’ because I’ve bought enough food to feed all of us. So it’s not like the bad old days where if a DC ate a loaf of bread, the rest of the family goes hungry and can only have weak tea for supper. And why would ‘replacing it’ be ‘tricky’? If I don’t need it before the next delivery day, on the list it goes. If I do, then I send DC that finished it off to the corner shop to get more. And I’m disabled! Cannot drive, cannot walk far I get groceries delivered once a week….but it’s honestly very easy to either change your food plans or replace food imho.

I'd also put all food packets lying around the house somewhere public and openly ask who ate them!

Great idea if you want to give a DC a lifelong eating disorder.

And this attitude is precisely why we have such an unhealthy population. Read the ingredients on the packets. Would you feed it to your dog on a daily basis?
And if not, is it because you don't want to pay the vet's bills?

I do think some people allow their children far too much crap and that doesn't put them in good sted for a healthy diet when older.

I dont know anyone that would by a bag of dog treats and say "ah but she could eat of them and more" and then allow them too.
They wouldn't as its clearly unhealthy, its the same with kids.

Dogs aren't people. As much as I'd like them to be.

Sorry

That should say wouldn't buy a bag of dog treats and say "ah but she could eat all of them and then more" and then allow them to.

Dogs aren't people. As much as I'd like them to be

Obviously but the Theory is the same.

We have to control their impulses for their own best interest.

No, we, as parents, have to teach teenagers how to control their impulses independently.

By the teen years if you’re trying to control their impulses you will either fail at doing so or succeed only to set them up to fail the second they leave home. Lose-lose

I’m not at all advocating “take what you want from me even if it leaves me with nothing and in a tricky position of needing to replace it”. Because once food is bought with family money, it is family food and not my food. Eating it doesn’t take anything ‘from me’ nor does it ‘leave me with nothing’ because I’ve bought enough food to feed all of us. So it’s not like the bad old days where if a DC ate a loaf of bread, the rest of the family goes hungry and can only have weak tea for supper. And why would ‘replacing it’ be ‘tricky’? If I don’t need it before the next delivery day, on the list it goes. If I do, then I send DC that finished it off to the corner shop to get more. And I’m disabled! Cannot drive, cannot walk far I get groceries delivered once a week….but it’s honestly very easy to either change your food plans or replace food imho.

And if they eat so much that the shopping you bought that's enough to feed everyone runs out? That's the circumstance we are talking about here. You don't seem to be able to acknowledge a situation where they could be eating so much that it creates a problem and there isn't an alternative. By your logic there is simply no line over which teens eating could become excessive, inconsiderate and selfish, and it would be absolutely fine if you had to do the shop you'd intended to last a week every two days because they'd eaten the lot.

What a sad household.

No, we, as parents, have to teach teenagers how to control their impulses independently.

If you haven't succeded in that and they keep making bad choices, you are still responsible for them, if they are doing something damaging to themselves, as a parent, you need to stop it. Dont sit back and wash your hands of it.
They are still your responsibility

I think the issue here isn't so much the eating of the foods, more the fact that they are taking stuff and trying to hide the fact they have eaten it by shoving it behind the sofa etc.

Sounds like both have an unhealthy relationship with food. And really, just stay out of it. Don't enable their behaviour. Don't buy any treats, if it's not there they can't find it and eat it!

Its not a switch you can flip on or off as in from Day 1 of self guided eating teens will never make a bad choice. There are going to be mistakes made by them liking eating a whole sharing bag of Doritos and feeling sick, and it doesn’t mean complete failure and needing to step in a “stop them” (take back control and hide the Doritos).

You role model while offering healthy options and gently advising them until they get the hang of it.

I had a stepmother who was horrible. She probably thought I 'stole food and lied.' We were hungry and too afraid to tell her, and our dad would say it was our home and to help ourselves.

It was immeasurably painful. Don't be unkind.

Ok, well in the also unlikely scenario of teens eating in 2 days, 7 days worth of food, that would be over-eating or perhaps even binge eating and a medical issue not a morality issue of selfishness or greed.

And that’s not actually the circumstances we are talking about here. The OP hasn’t said that her partner is doing the weekly shop more than 3x a week because the DSSs are eating everything in sight. She’s complained about a few snacks disappearing now and then - tube of Pringles, bag of marshmallows, few packets of crisps.

I think you are coming up with more and more extreme hypothetical situations tbh.