How do you rise above the irritating things - food stealing and lying

[BlackWhiteRed]

DH's children are due to come and stay with us for the holidays. I have no children of my own, so it's a big change to go from a household with no kids, to sharing with teenagers (15 & 12)

On the whole, i cope but certain things grind me down. DSS2 is an incredibly fussy eater, and expects his Dad to jump through hoops to cater for him. He's obviously pandered to at home, but DH tries not to. He'll cook food that DSS2 says he'll eat, then he'll sulk and refuse to even try it. DH is blind to it - so he'll tell him to eat, and I'll watch DSS move food around on his plate, then lie and tell his Dad that he's eaten it. I can't fathom why DH doesn't notice this... I guess I'm more observant! But invariably, DSS will lie about eating, then moan that he's hungry and demand pudding.

I try not to care - DH does the cooking when they're here as he enjoys cooking for them. If I cooked, it would piss me off even more, so I just dont' get involved.

Then there's just the general lying about everything. DSS makes up stories, which are obviously bullshit - but DH sucks it up and believes him. And he lies about doing 'chores'... DH will tell him to do something, he'll obviously not do it, lie and say he has, and DH will believe him.

Sometimes I'll call it out if I'm certain it's a lie - but then DH gets upset with him for lying and tells him off., which creates stress. I wish he'd just notice it at the time and nip it in the bud before I have to call it out but I think DH is usually too knackered/blinded by love to notice.

I feel like a wicked stepmum watching out for lies all the time! It drives me nuts. None of them are consequential, I wish I could just shrug my shoulders and say ah well... but it drives me nuts inside.

Then there's the food stealing - we can't have treats in the house because both DSS eat in secret and hide the evidence. I wish they'd just be honest and say 'I had a bag of crisps', but they seem unable to be honest about food. I keep finding empty packets hidden in drawers or stuffed behind the sofa - the other day I found an empty Pringles tube hidden away, one of them had eaten the whole lot when it was meant for us to share. The one that made me sad was I bought two big bags of jumbo marshmallows for us all to share when we go camping - and then I found the empty packets hidden in one of DSSs bedroom drawers after they'd left. DH won't challenge them on this - he just laughs and says oh dear.

Please help me to rise above it all!!!!!!

Blended families are not so different that basic parenting doesn’t apply

Believe me, blended families can be SOOOOO different you would be aghast.

• A difficult relationship with an ex, who tells the kids to refuse food from you, that you are trying to poison them etc etc.


• An ex who feeds the children a high sugar diet as the path of least resistance, and then you get them the other 50% of the time....


• A DP who has left his children to be raised by a succession of previous girlfriends.


• Children who have had extended stays with Dad - literally only eat pizza and microwave lasagne.


• We see all these here, and getting even neurotypical children back on a sensible food wagon after all this is a major challenge. Throw in the SEN, ASD diagnoses that often seem to accompany broken families, and you are in for one hell of a rollercoaster ride.

Thanks for finally admitting that is what you are doing.

Huh? I've been saying that all along!

*My logic isn’t “it is always fine for kids to eat whatever they want” it’s “teenagers need to learn to self regulate eating so instead of control/restriction I advise and offer healthy choices”

Restraints by definition are a form of control, so to put restraints or rules like the you can’t help yourself you must always ask one we have been discussing is in fact controlling food access and every time they ask and you say no, that is restricting food. That’s the bare bones of it. You think it’s justified, I disagree*

I haven't been discussing the "you must ALWAYS ask before eating" rule I have been the discussing the "you must not be a selfish twat about it" rule. They can decide if they want to snack but a certain level of snacking is unreasonable. I wouldn't expect to have to put in and regularly reinforce the rule that they should not scoff the entirety of a family sharer snack intended for everyone in one sitting and then hide the packaging. I would raise them to know that, expect them to remember it and leave them fully aware, if they did keep doing it, that their behaviour was selfish and unacceptable. That's not really about their eating, it's about showing an acceptable level of consideration for others. It's not about controlling them or their eating. It's about them not growing up to be selfish.

You have genuinely argued on this thread that there is no point at which it is not fine for kids to do that. But then when confronted with scenarios where it clearly isn't on for them to do it, have basically just said "well they wouldn't though" or "well it's an eating disorder then". So you do seem to recognise that it isn't totally fine for people to eat whatever they want when they want because "it isn't a possession", you're just keen to dismiss it.

Prader-Willi Syndrome:

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/240708

Thanks for finally admitting that is what you are doing.

the kind of response I would expect from a squabbling pre teen to his sibling 😂

@aSofaNearYou
Well the ask for a snack rule is the rule most posters have mentioned and the common thread in this discussion. Whatever your especial rules are regarding your teens eating, their mere existence is still controlling that teens eating. And the fact you don’t expect to regularly have to reinforce your rules, doesn’t mean those rules aren’t enforced. In fact, your shaming them as “selfish” for not eating in a way that you deem to be reasonable and acceptable is enforcing your rules through emotional blackmail and not something I agree with. It is all about eating and control btw, you can say it isn’t but when it’s a rule about how much food, what food and how often you can eat it- it’s all about eating!

You have genuinely argued on this thread that there is no point at which it is not fine for kids to do that.. No I haven’t. I have argued that controlling and restricting food leads to disordered eating and potentially eating disorders, that teens need to learn to self-regulate and that requires the freedom to choose for themselves what food they eat, when and how much. I have said repeatedly that there is a limit but when that limit of not fine is reached we are in the realm of disordered eating and that’s a medical issue, not a bad kid needs shaming and punishment followed by stricter control and restriction issue. Posters like you continue to think that when eating isn’t fine that = a selfish, unacceptably badly behaved, lacking in empathy, grabby brat, etc etc.

But your DC are your DC, so crack on with your rules and restrictions enforced by shaming. I didn’t do that with my DC and they haven’t turned into mindless obese cookie monsters as you seem to think any teen would if you slipped their leashes.

Sorry but nothing you listed shows that basic parenting doesn’t apply to blended families? It’s really a list of (possibly offensive) stereotypes painting blended families as shit at parenting? How is that productive at all?

You must have very polite preteens, well done. 🥹

I think it's down to how you and your dh were brought up. I don't particularly give a shit if my teenage dd eats all the crisps, I buy crisps and operate when it's gone it's gone way of food in my house. If I fancied a packet of crisps and they weren't there I'd be slightly annoyed and send her to the shop to buy me the crisps I want. I wouldn't dwell on it and I would 100% do the same with any teenager in my house.

If they're scoffing everything I'd get them a named box with their food for the week and operate the same when it's gone it's gone principle. I'd make it very clear that that is their food and they have to ask for anything else, anything they took I'd send them to the shop to replace with your husbands money. Make it a hassle for them and then you get a lovely older teen who asks you if it's ok to have the last packet of crisps/cake/whatever treat food is in the house.

I don’t regard sarcasm as “polite”

Sorry but nothing you listed shows that basic parenting doesn’t apply to blended families? It’s really a list of (possibly offensive) stereotypes painting blended families as shit at parenting? How is that productive at all?

You're the one labelling stuff as 'Shit Parenting', not me!

I just regard this as what can happen when two parents who are just about managing together can't go on together. You then have to deal with the same problems with far fewer resources and other people chipping in and getting involved. Split sites for where parenting occurs, new partners, less money - all increases insecurity for everyone involved, and some things go by the wayside. Eating sensibly is a frequent casualty due to time suddenly becoming a much more scarce resource for all parties.

I also think you're living in cloud cuckoo land about food being an infinite resource. When parents are doing without food themselves for a few days a month, the children will inevitably have restrictions imposed on consumption.

I wasn’t being sarcastic? When I said Thanks for finally admitting that’s what you are doing, it was genuine.

@SpaceshiptoMars

Ah ok, so basic parenting concepts do apply to blended families as I said.

I also think you're living in cloud cuckoo land about food being an infinite resource.. I’ve never said food is an infinite resource. Why are you assuming that teens with no food controls/restrictions will eat infinite amounts of food? I think that’s cloud cuckoo tbh.

Oh good grief

@Discovereads

i take it you aren’t on a tight grocery food budget?

@Discovereads said this
Restraints by definition are a form of control, so to put restraints or rules like the you can’t help yourself you must always ask one we have been discussing is in fact controlling food access and every time they ask and you say no, that is restricting food.

and this
I’ve never said food is an infinite resource. Why are you assuming that teens with no food controls/restrictions will eat infinite amounts of food? I think that’s cloud cuckoo tbh.

You imply that everyone can just go and buy more if food runs out. That clearly is not true - the existence of food banks demonstrates that. Many people have to tightly budget and meal plan down to the last can of baked beans. And even doing that, they are still having to miss meals at the end of the month.

And I've never said that teenagers consume infinite amounts of food. That would be ludicrous - they don't have infinite amounts of time, so they can't consume infinite amounts of food, even if it were possible to grow infinite amounts of food.....

Why do you distort people's words so? You complain about others providing extreme examples (which actually crop up on this board with alarming regularity) but you yourself use grandiose over the top vocabulary to try and big up your opinions!

Eating a packet of crisps is not bingeing.

So you can dish it out but can’t take it in return.

You said I said food is an infinite resource, I never said that.
Far enough to object to me saying why are you assuming teens will consume an infinite amount of food if left unchecked? (Note I didn’t say you’d said that, only that I think you are thinking that)

But then you have the gall to lecture me on distorting peoples words, when you’ve done exactly that and to a greater degree by claiming I’ve actually said something I haven’t said.

I haven’t implied everyone can go and buy more food if it runs out, as I did state that the circumstances were are talking about are not cases where if a teen DC eats a loaf of bread the rest of the family has no supper but weak tea and goes hungry. How could I have implied that when I made a clear acknowledgment that my approach doesn’t apply in situations of food poverty?

No, I was& am, disabled mum of 4 on disability benefits.
Its my experience that teens if left to it will generally consume as much as they need. So really you think you are saving money/food by controls and restrictions but I don’t see a definite correlation. And then when you add in the OPs case where despite restrictions and controls, the DSSs are over-eating and potentially bingeing. It could be very possible that controls/restrictions actually lead to a higher consumption of food by teens and thus a higher spend on groceries. Would love to see a study on it.

Its my experience that teens

it’s my experience with MY teens

I chose my words carefully because I do have friends with teen DC as well and so my views are not just based on my experience with my teens, but also my friends teens.

Unless you are saying you only have experience with your teens?

Ah so it is the experience of you and your friends.

it is not the experience of everyone

Hence different approaches.

Anecdotal evidence doesn't count.

The issue really is that common teen issues become magnified in step situations and OP can't tell her step kid to go to the shop to replace what's been taken because A then she'd be the wicked step mum and B they might have fucked off back to mums before OP notices.

Some tenagers eat junk, try to avoid vegetables (younger teens) and lie about irritating things. These don't inherently mean that the teenager in question will grow up to be a horrible adult, but when it's not your kid you can't say - oi I told you to do so and so, get off your arse and go and do it and stop pretending you've done it when it's clear you haven't. Everyone wants step dc treated the same as your own dc, until it comes to things like this where you can't for whatever reason and resentment builds up.

Anecdotal evidence doesn't count.

Agree but it’s all the evidence any of us have. With the exception that it has been shown in studies that food controls/restrictions do create a higher risk of developing an eating disorder.

Yes. Exactly.

I think we are finally reaching some kind of common agreement!!

yes I believe anecdotal evidence has an important part to play on this discussion. So I respect that your experience is your truth of how your teens were and are, and I respect those saying they had a different approach because on the basis of their experience with their teen, they chose a different stance.

i suggest you go on the very very very popular “losing weight” threads on mumsnet to see that many many adults have extreme difficult in moderation