How do you rise above the irritating things - food stealing and lying

[BlackWhiteRed]

DH's children are due to come and stay with us for the holidays. I have no children of my own, so it's a big change to go from a household with no kids, to sharing with teenagers (15 & 12)

On the whole, i cope but certain things grind me down. DSS2 is an incredibly fussy eater, and expects his Dad to jump through hoops to cater for him. He's obviously pandered to at home, but DH tries not to. He'll cook food that DSS2 says he'll eat, then he'll sulk and refuse to even try it. DH is blind to it - so he'll tell him to eat, and I'll watch DSS move food around on his plate, then lie and tell his Dad that he's eaten it. I can't fathom why DH doesn't notice this... I guess I'm more observant! But invariably, DSS will lie about eating, then moan that he's hungry and demand pudding.

I try not to care - DH does the cooking when they're here as he enjoys cooking for them. If I cooked, it would piss me off even more, so I just dont' get involved.

Then there's just the general lying about everything. DSS makes up stories, which are obviously bullshit - but DH sucks it up and believes him. And he lies about doing 'chores'... DH will tell him to do something, he'll obviously not do it, lie and say he has, and DH will believe him.

Sometimes I'll call it out if I'm certain it's a lie - but then DH gets upset with him for lying and tells him off., which creates stress. I wish he'd just notice it at the time and nip it in the bud before I have to call it out but I think DH is usually too knackered/blinded by love to notice.

I feel like a wicked stepmum watching out for lies all the time! It drives me nuts. None of them are consequential, I wish I could just shrug my shoulders and say ah well... but it drives me nuts inside.

Then there's the food stealing - we can't have treats in the house because both DSS eat in secret and hide the evidence. I wish they'd just be honest and say 'I had a bag of crisps', but they seem unable to be honest about food. I keep finding empty packets hidden in drawers or stuffed behind the sofa - the other day I found an empty Pringles tube hidden away, one of them had eaten the whole lot when it was meant for us to share. The one that made me sad was I bought two big bags of jumbo marshmallows for us all to share when we go camping - and then I found the empty packets hidden in one of DSSs bedroom drawers after they'd left. DH won't challenge them on this - he just laughs and says oh dear.

Please help me to rise above it all!!!!!!

are we just assuming here that people have an endless supply of cash that they can use to re-fill snacks etc whenever someone has depleted the lot? What happens when it's late a night and none of the shops are open? I wouldn't dream of eating all the snacks in my house and leaving nothing for anyone else, it's incredibly selfish behaviour.

I agree with @Discovereads And I say that having reared 3 children through the teen years to adulthood. And as a skint single parent who couldn't afford endless food.

But that's not what the op here is talking about.

If they’re obese it sounds like they’ve got disordered eating. Which requires treatment. You getting irritated won’t help but it’s up to your DH to step up and get them some treatment

@Discovereads I'm suggesting more to extreme hypotheticals because you seem to be arguing that it is simply never selfish for kids to eat whatever they want of the food their parents have bought, when clearly there is a limit.

In OPs case, she hasn't said exactly how regular this is but she has said they can't have snacks in and it is enough to be causing a problem. You are assuming it's not that often, but it doesn't read that way at all.

And if they are eating all the snacks intended for everyone for the week in too short a space of time, then the only reason this wouldn't be an issue for the other members of the household is that either they are happy to keep spending money to replace them, or they don't mind not having any themselves. There are a lot of parents who seem to be quite competitive about how little they personally care about getting to eat snacks themselves, which I get to an extent, but it isn't teaching the kids important lessons. This attitude doesn't only apply to food, left unchecked they are growing up to be the kind of people who think it's fine to take all of something leaving none for anyone else, just because they want it and nobody has ever told them they are being selfish. Food is just one example, but learning consideration for others and the need to share broader than that and it is important.

@nca
Yes, it’s never endless eating. You get a feel for how much your teens genuinely need to eat and order enough to usually last. There has never been more than a 1-2 small top ups a week needed usually milk, bread and eggs. And I can relate to money being tight living on disability benefits, but we simply didn’t buy tons of expensive highly processed snack food. For us snacks are like have a bit of cheese and some crackers, or make a jam sandwich or have an apple. We get in some packets of crisps, but don’t seem to run out very often.

If both kids are overweight I would be hiding any 'luxury' food and only placing out a certain amount a day. E.G - 2 bags of crisps, 1/2 a pack of biscuits, 2 x chocolate bars. If they can't ration themselves and its becoming a health issue, then they obviously need help.

Access to fruit, yoghurts, raw veggies etc should be unlimited. Abd if they are hungry - they can be pointed int he direction of the healthy food. If its refused then they can't be that hungry can they.
From working with troubled children in care homes its clear that food is normally one of the first things they try to control, take the option of control away and it soon becomes boring.

Same with meal times, I wouldn't be asking what DSS2 wants. I am assumimg by now you know what he likes and doesnt, so try and incorporate it into the meal but don't ask him what he want's each day like he has a personal chef. You cook food, and he will either eat it or he wont. Commenting on 'you need to eat this, you need to eat 1 more of this' will only fuel his need to feel in control. Just don't say anything, put his plate infront of him and he will either eat it or he won't. If he moans, say ' well this is whats for dinner' and say nothing more.

It has never not worked for me, if a child is particularly stubborn they may cut their nose off to spite their face and miss 1 meal. But they never do it again after going hungry for a few hours.

Remove the option for control, and your life will become so so much easier.

Yes there’s a limit, but at the limit is where eating too much food becomes a medical concern/issue re an eating disorder. It’s never a morality issue even once that limit is reached as you conceive it to be of selfishness, greed and lacking empathy.

This attitude doesn't only apply to food, left unchecked they are growing up to be the kind of people who think it's fine to take all of something leaving none for anyone else, just because they want it and nobody has ever told them they are being selfish. Food is just one example, but learning consideration for others and the need to share broader than that and it is important.

From my perspective you are applying an attitude towards possessions/things to food which is inappropriate. Food is like air and water, it’s not a possession. If you leave teens to it, they learn to only consume as much food, air and water they need (unless there is a medical issue). So no, my attitude towards food doesn’t result in DC growing up thinking they can take all of something other than food, leaving none of that for anyone else. They know what a possession is and the etiquette on respecting ownership and sharing/borrowing.

Try this another way - if you had bought a pack of 6 cakes that were for someone leaving do at work and then one person got in before the others and ate all of them - would that be selfish?

@Discovereads That logic is just strange and intangible tbh. Why on Earth would food not be a possession, it is a think bought and often intended for certain purposes like anything else is. There is no distinction between that and learning to share other things in life.

Or just ate somebody else's packed lunch. It's not a possession, after all.

No, I genuinely don’t see it that way.
1 person eating 6 cakes at work “before the others got in” so in the very small window of time between arriving at work and when the working day starts clearly has an eating disorder, which is a medical issue not an issue of low morals/selfishness. The person deserves support not condemnation.

We all pay water bills. Just because we have to pay for one of the essentials to life doesn’t make that essential a possession.

Ok, ignoring the obvious pedantry - if the cakes were for everyone in the office and they were there for a couple of days but one person ate all of them - would that be selfish behaviour?

Your DH notices it all. Trust me.

He just doesn’t want to point it out because then it becomes an issue and he’s hoping you haven’t noticed so it can go unmentioned.

Pick your battles. Put anything that is for a certain occasion etc away where it can’t be found and try and accept that teenagers eat, lots.

Extremes are not a theoretical thing on this board. Recently an SM mentioned that the Dad was allowing his kids to munch through a sharing bag of sweets each per night...

My DSCs came with no impulse control on food as well! As they were adults, restricting their snacking was not an option - I just didn't buy any, so if they wanted it, they got a decent walk in and lugged it back home. I made sure that the meals provided were as nutritionally excellent as possible, and ignored the piles of 'extras' consumed on the side. The weight slowly tracked downwards, so my efforts did bear results.

I am fairly evangelical about the benefits of good diets. Having watched a young relative survive on crisps and pizza most of their young life - they were OKish until, in their 20s, they caught a bug and as a result - type 1 diabetes. I'm old enough to have seen that play out in friends and it is heartbreaking - blindness, kidney failure, amputation, heart failure, death.

1 person eating 6 cakes at work “before the others got in” so in the very small window of time between arriving at work and when the working day starts clearly has an eating disorder, which is a medical issue not an issue of low morals/selfishness. The person deserves support not condemnation.

It is very obviously both. Someone did something nice intended as a treat for multiple people, and one person didn't care at all that others would be missing out and decided to have it all themself.

It's exhausting that you can't see that is obviously selfish behaviour, it's pretty much the definition.

OP, in your subsequent posts, you've mentioned weight problems. Given that your DH has a limited view of/input to their overall diet is he concerned about this?

If they have unlimited access to fruit, nuts, sugar-free cereals etc then they shouldn't be hungry or eating in secret.

I'm not a fan of demonising foods but if they are eating whatever they want does it come down just not have crisps and sweet things in the house at all? An overweight 12 yo eating cake for breakfast is worrying, especially if he just wants to game all day. Could treats like cake and ice cream happen when they're out instead? This may also help get them out of the house.

discovereads i can't copy your post aimed at me.

But the case here isn't about flipping a switch or about teenagers eating all the time and how hard it is to fill them up, i dont see anyone disputing that.

The problem is what they are eating.
Yes, if my child repeatedly sat and ate sharing bags of dorritos but refused to eat their tea, or decided crisps were for breakfast, it wouldn't be happening.

Its a bit late once they get to late teenagers to be "hoping they get the hang of it". They should know healthy eating by now and know whats accepted in the house.

I would not sit back and watch my child damage themselves in any way, wether that be childhood obesity or anything else, i would try to intervene to stop that, as i am thier parent, and love them so want the best for them.
A teenager does not always know whats best for them, so you step in, thats parenting.

Lying about chores etc not on and they should be called out on that.

Food though, DD (ok she’s 2.5) went from eating to kale to freaking out at the sight of vegetables. We just don’t make a fuss about it, she’s slowly started eating eggs again, it’s put on a plate and she either eats it or doesn’t. I don’t think making food a battle is a great idea.

I just can’t imagine thinking of DD eating stuff without asking me as stealing, she could eat all the crisps in the house and I would be like “I’m going to just wait to see how long it takes you to throw up” but I would never think of it as stealing. It’s her home, we are family, she has as much right to rummage around in the cupboards as I do.

Get DSS to help his dad cook. Maybe that will help with him changing his mind.

Sorry but this is bullshit. You shouldn't have to run your home in the same way that the ex wife does just so as not to upset the kids. They're old enough to realise that different households might have different rules.

I sympathise OP. I have two stepsons - one (youngest) who used to be very fussy with food, and one (eldest) who is obese and over-eats. I got wound up by it for a lot of years but I have learnt to disengage. With the youngest we did not make different meals for him - he ate what we ate. Of course I was considerate to what he mainly liked, but guess what, four years later his tastes have expanded because we didn't make him 'special' meals. With the eldest we had to hide snacks as he had no problem in eating them all and leaving nothing for others. He also over ordered on meals out together which used to wind me up, but I just stopped going. He's left home now so it's not really our problem any more, but honestly, having been there I think you need to let your husband deal with it.

They probably feel your judgement hanging over them all the time. Btw I do think their diet sounds terrible, but thats for your DH to sort out with their mum.

I am fairly evangelical about the benefits of good diets. Having watched a young relative survive on crisps and pizza most of their young life - they were OKish until, in their 20s, they caught a bug and as a result - type 1 diabetes. I'm old enough to have seen that play out in friends and it is heartbreaking - blindness, kidney failure, amputation, heart failure, death

FFS. Type 1 diabetes is an autoimmune condition. You can eat the healthiest diet in the world and still get it. Sod all to do with pizza and chips. Educate yoursel rather than judge something you clearly have no understanding of.

I just can’t imagine thinking of DD eating stuff without asking me as stealing, she could eat all the crisps in the house and I would be like “I’m going to just wait to see how long it takes you to throw up” but I would never think of it as stealing. It’s her home, we are family, she has as much right to rummage around in the cupboards as I do

So if your child decided they wanted crisps for breakfast you would be happy for that to happen, at what age is that for them to decide.

As a child i would have liked chocolate for breakfast, diner and tea, thankfully i had good parents that didnt allow that, as it wasnt good for me.

I agree i don't think its stealing when its from your own parent, but its not doing the right thing.

No of course I wouldn’t, but OP isn’t the parent here. She has to step away from it, she’s getting upset over things she has little control or authority over. They are hiding empty packets because they probably feel shame. My mum was extremely controlling about food, me and all my siblings have weight problems. If the concern is genuinely about their wellbeing and health then there are better ways of going about that than this. The 15 year old will absolutely know he is obese and I doubt he enjoys it.