My young son didn't recognize his older brother

[Anuta77]

Another story/rant from my "blended" family circus.
I have a 22 year old SS which whom I never had issues and whom I always liked. Our shared child is almost 5.

Anyhow, when SS was 15-16, he used to be very caring with our then 7-8 year old kids, always watching if they were behind, playing with them... Then with age, he started coming to our house less and less. My DP of course visited him regularlly at his house and they are close. Understanding that young people have other interests, I made some efforts to invite them to eat or to organize family activities that everyone can enjoy like horse back riding, mountain biking, etc. Just like companies organize team-building activities, I thought that it would help, but it didn't. If there was no official invitation, SS didn't see the reason to visit.

At the same time, he's very involved with DP's other ex (ex Step mother who didn't even raise him) because her son is his age. Once at a Xmas gathering at ours, he initiated a long phone conversation with them, putting them on speakers and ending it with "I love you, family and I'm coming for a breakfast to your house tomorrow".

I think after that, he hasn't set foot in our house in about 1.5 years! Yep! He lives 35 min away and owns a car. The last 2 Xmases he conveniently had a light form of covid, but once that passed, he apparently didn't have a reason to come. Last year's DP's bday, he didn't feel like coming either. Father's day: never comes.

Finally he decided to visit my DP after his bday this year and my young son thought it was just some random guest! He know that he has a brother with that name and SD had to excitedly show him our family picture (taken when my son was a baby) to "proove" that it was his brother.

I was sad and I don't understand how nobody around me thinks it's a big deal.

Urgh OP that is sad, but with a 17yr age gap they were never going to be close. Small kids just aren't very much fun for most young adults, you might find it gets better as they both get older.

I think you are being a bit dramatic. I don't think a 5 year old not recognising someone they haven't seen in 1.5 years is a big deal. Also don't think a 22 year old not seeing family that often is a big deal. I've not seen my 4 year old nephew for 1 year. When I next seem home, I don't expect him to necessarily recognise me without promoting. I've met him loads of times and we have a lovely time when I do see him.

Was your SS nice to your son during the visit? Did they interact? That's far more important and relevant.

I absolutely understand the age difference, although there are people who like kids and he seemed like that.
My older neighboor is 17 years older than her brother and she told me that she was always present in his life. She's now closer with him and his family than with her 3 other siblings her age who even live on the other side of the street.

So I think it's a choice, but if SS never comes over and is starting the university in Sept, then will start a professional job, will travel, will start a family, I'm not sure there will ever be time to connect.
But that's life, I have 2 kids and I instill family values in them.

The thing is, to your SS your DS probably doesn't really feel like family. They've barely lived together and they have no shared experience or history and nothing in common. Being brutally honest, there's not much appeal in the company of a 5yr old for a 22yr old.

I understand a 4 year old not recognizing someone they haven't seen in 1 year, but problem is that they haven't seen them in such a long time. Honestly, my DP's niece of the same age, who lives on another continent has seen my son more over video calls and can not wait to meet him when she travels here. It's a choice.

I somewhat agree with you, but for example my 15 year old SD doesn't have much in common with my son either. Yet, she wants to be important in his life. SS has a 19 year old brother who comes to our house few times per year and ALWAYS makes efforts to play with him.
In reality, SS likes playing, asking questions and my son is very interactive.
I also think that if SS is often in the house of his ex step mother (yes, I know the appeal is her son who is his friend), he also obviously interacts with her and her new boyfriend. So I'm not saying that SS has to come to visit a young child, he could also have a conversation with his father, me (I'm not THAT boring), my older son whom he knows. And even if it's 3-4 times per year, it would make a difference.

I don't really think this is a case of family values, I'd understand if he was rude or ignored your DS during his visit but it simply sounds like he's not that close to his dad or his side of the family. You're allowed to feel sad about that but you can't force anyone to have a relationship, blood relation or not.

Well, my DP has been visiting SS EVERY week at least, always in contact via phone and in the past 2 months SS is helping my DP renovating our new cottage. SS is now inviting him to go with his to a gym. So I wouldnt think they are not close, I think my DP didn't instill family values in him. And SS always turns to my DP for advice and they ALWAYS has things to talk about and I mean long conversations.

How many times has your husband been married?

if this young man has seen his dads family shift over the years maybe he just wants to keep in contact with his dad and not the wider family?

I agree it’s sad - but siblings do drift apart. My sister and I are very close - but I have friends who haven’t seen their siblings in years.

Why isn't their father facilitating a relationship between siblings then? Why has your DP not taken his son with him when he goes to visit his other son in over a year? I don't think the blame lies with the teenager here.

So he does spend time with his dad...but doing things where the 5 yr old wouldn't fit in. Sounds quite normal for that age? Why would he want to hang out with a little child when it seems like they never shared a household together?

My son has an older half sibling - 18 months between them. They were close when they were smaller, but probably couldn't tell me the last time they had contact off their own backs.

I hope they get closer again as they get older still, but the reality is that they don't owe it to anyone to have a close relationship just because of choices their parents made.

Can I ask OP, do you take any interest at all in SS life? Ask questions for example? Or is the focus all on his relationship with his younger brother?

DP and SS have a close relationship then, that is good.
It sounds like SS does not see you and your son as part of his family.

All of the examples you give of teenagers wanting to be around much younger kids are girls. I think boys are very different, as are most men.

You seem to be putting an awful lot of pressure on the family to behave in the way you think is right but the truth is a lot of families don't live in each other's pockets.

It's interesting that your DP sees DSS a lot but he never comes to your house - could it be that DSS feels the disapproval from you for his past absences? I'm sure most teenage boys would avoid places where they feel awkward or judged.

Teenage boys are like water - they flow on the path of least resistance.

Your ss obviously isn't that bothered about family. My oldest was 18 when my youngest was born

He's 8 now and doesn't remember him living here but he sees him every couple of weeks even though they don't have any thing in common!

@StaunchMomma ,
I always liked him and I only disaprouve now, after months if not years of not visiting, so that couldn't be the reason. I always tried to have conversation with him, but many times, he doesn't seem interested. But when he does talk to me, he looks absolutely normal. I know we can't force a connection, but from little connection to no connection at all, I do find it strange. But obviously, he has the right and my son will not miss what he didn't have.

That's what I'm saying. I've read and heard about siblings with a big age difference. Why not best friends, they could still feel like family. I mean cousins, nephews, etc. don't live together and can still feel close. The SS is close to his cousin who lives on another continent! He already cancelled his plans to show her around because she's coming to visit and he obviously rarely sees her.

Why hasn’t your DP taken your kids with him when he goes to see his older child?

Oh, that is very obvious, but thank you for pointing it out ;). It's great that SS feels that his ex step brother and ex SM with whom his father separated 8 years ago (and who only saw him EOW and spend over 2 years in another country) are his family. I mean it's not such a big deal, I just wanted to see how other people see it.

Me and my children used to go visit SS, but that implies being in his ex's house and it's not always comfortable. I'm really surprised about these kinds of suggestions, any relationship is a two way street and I don't think we should be the only ones to run after him. So we stopped going.

So I think it's a choice, but if SS never comes over and is starting the university in Sept, then will start a professional job, will travel, will start a family, I'm not sure there will ever be time to connect.

Why should he choose to put his life on hold to play happy families with you?

You made a choice to marry his dad and have kids. Not him. He doesn't have a responsibility here and you shouldn't expect him to have one.

Your son is more like an uncle in terms of relationship than a brother.

I think you are both unrealistic and unfair. He is living his life. YOU are not his priority. Its not about his brother. This is about how you feel about this. They aren't going to have a close relationship because of the age age and thats what you should really have expected from the beginning.

That’s not what I asked. I’m not suggesting you go. I am suggesting that your partner facilitates contact between his children. Not you. You don’t need to be involved.

I think you are wrong here. With teenagers and young adults it is the parents who keep the relationship going.
You used to visit and stopped, but are unhappy that SS stopped visiting you. Can you see how it might have felt from his point of view?

You also seem unhappy about the relationship he has with his ex-step mum.
Your DP is on his third marriage since your DP was with his mum? If yes maybe SS unsurprisingly has a different view of family as he sees his father move on to another new family.