Reasonable to think this is hypocritical or am I over reacting?

[UppityUp]

I really wanted to take our DC abroad this year before they start school next year. Husband didn't want to come as we can't afford to go away in the school holidays and he felt mean on DSC going without them, fair enough I understood.

So I booked a short break next week for 4 days with our DC by myself.

DH has just now told me he's booked to take DSC away for the weekend for 2 nights whilst we are gone.

AIBU to be a little miffed about this? I don't have a problem at all with him spending 1:1 time with his children but it seems he never spends it with ours because he feels bad but it's fine the other way around?

DSC are going away with their mum in the summer hols so they are getting a holiday so in my mind, me going without DH was just the same thing. Our DC get a holiday with mum and DSC get a holiday with theirs. It just seems a bit hypocritical of my husband to say he can't go away with our DC because it's mean but then do it with DSC without our DC.

If it was consistent with both I'd not care like if I knew he'd happily go away for a couple of nights / long weekend with ours but I know he wouldn't.

Just seems like anything is only unfair if it involves being unfair to DSC. If it's our DC it doesn't matter.

Weren't due to have DSC over that time either, he's asked specifically if he can have them so he can take them away.

Again I don't care that he's going somewhere with DSC, honestly I don't. I care because I know he'd never do the same in reverse.

Also just to add, we have spoken about trying to do something over the school holidays all together in the UK. Just can't afford abroad with all of us unfortunately this year.

You need to sit down and have a talk with him about him treating his children equally.

Equally doesn't mean the same as it is age and interest dependent.

So if he can take his older DC away for 2 nights, then he can take your joint DC out on their own without you and his older DC for a reasonable amount of time.

I get it op, he's got massive guilt for your children but because he's together with you he doesn't have the guilt about your child. Its not fair really, no. He could have gone on the break with your child, and then taken them away for the weekend. He's elected to only spend time with one set of children and imo that's unfair.

For *his children

Thanks. I just felt a bit conflicted so I'm glad some people understand where I'm coming from.

I've not said anything because I don't want to put a damper on his weekend with DSC, I want them to have a nice time. It just seems like he's "making up" for the fact I'm going away with DC which I don't think is really necessary.

And also the fact he says he can't do X Y and Z with ours because it's not fair but then does it with DSC.

What’s the ages of DSC?

Did you book your trip without consulting him?

No, we discussed it. I'd said I'd like to take DC abroad before they start school for a few days and he said he felt he couldn't come as it was unfair to go without DSC. He was fine with me booking to go by ourselves and I understood why he felt like he couldn't come. Until now tbh.

I totally agree with you @UppityUp.

Effectively what your DH has now done is flip the situation so it's now unfair on your DC.

DSC get to go away we both parents, albeit on separate trips. Your DC only get to go away with 1 parent and miss out on a getaway with Dad.

It's really hard seeing a DH do things out of guilt for DSC's, just because they feel bad for breaking the family up. In my experience it is an ever present emotion and remains ongoing into DSC's adult lives even.

I hope you DH gets to go away with your DC too at some point.

Are you taking your kids abroad for the 4 days, or in the UK?

I can kind of see this from both sides.

If he hadn't booked a holiday with DSC he wouldn't be going away at all.

I don't think you are unreasonable to be annoyed but I don't either think what your partner has done is wrong either. Sorry I think maybe more victim of circumstances. But agree best to get it straightened out for next year.

I get it OP.
DHs ex and I both sort out Christmas presents for our children. DH bumbles about humbugging in the background and leaves us to it. Fine.
Then he suddenly feels guilty and spends hundreds at the last minute on DSD and not a single bag of chocolate buttons for our DS.
Both kids were equal before, with a nice set of presents provided by their mother. Then he went and made them hugely unequal.
Same when he got a big redundancy payment. Spent hundreds on a new lap top for DSD. DS doesn't need anything of that value so I quietly hoped he would think of his other child too and maybe put the same amount into his savings.
But no.
Didn't occur.
I think in his mind DSD is his responsibility when she's at our house, DS is my responsibility, so each child has one parent in charge of them, so it's all equal. It's a twisted sort of logic and I'm 100% certain it's nothing to do with loving one more than the other or anything like that. It's definitely the guilt thing.

So he isn't going with you and DC because he feels bad going away with SC?
But he is happy to go away with SC without you and DC?

Bit baffled by his thoughts process and how it is fair.

I can't see the logic at all. I'd genuinely like someone to explain to me who thinks he's reasonable- I'm not in or from a blended family so maybe there's something I'm not seeing.

I don't see the problem.

If you cannot afford for you all to go abroad (and you've chosen to go away) then why can't he get some time with his DC for 2 nights?

It's a blended family. I don't believe you do not have to do everything together; in fact I think its beneficial that you don't.

As for the SM taking them away - does this relinquish your DHs responsibility to give them a holiday? Not in my opinion.

Its 2 nights OP. Let him have exclusively enjoying his DC, because you will be enjoying yours.

I'd ask DH when he is planning on taking your shared DC away same as he took DSC on a 1-1 holiday. Hopefully that will help him see he should have gone on the holiday with you and your shared DC given you are married! (Clearly different to going on holiday with DSC and their mum as he is not married to their mum!)

It's guilt. Guilt he's not with his kids every day, guilt he's not with their mother, guilt that the marriage broke down. It doesn't make sense, it may not be based on anything real, but I bet that's what it is.
Let him take his kids away (my husband went away with his kids for a week), but tell him he can now take a short break with you and your child, and if possible another break with all the kids.

I think I can see his initial logic, he is always thinking of all the children so felt his children were missing out on a holiday that his DC with the OP were going on. So he's tried to make that up with the weekend away. The flaw in this (going at the same time) is that the OP's children with him now don't have a holiday with their dad.

Might be worth floating the idea that next year you go away with your DC at the same time the DSC go away with their mum somewhere.

I would raise the issue before you all go away, and try and get next year sorted now!

If you cannot afford for you all to go abroad (and you've chosen to go away) then why can't he get some time with his DC for 2 nights?
They could afford for him to go abroad with his wife and younger children. He chose not to.

It's a blended family. I don't believe you do not have to do everything together; in fact I think its beneficial that you don't
So why couldn't he go on the 4 day trip with his wife and younger children?

As for the SM taking them away - does this relinquish your DHs responsibility to give them a holiday? Not in my opinion
In your opinion, does OP taking the younger DC away relinquish the DHs responsibility to go on holiday with the younger DC? Not in my opinion.

Its 2 nights OP. Let him have exclusively enjoying his DC, because you will be enjoying yours
He will only be enjoying some of his DC, not all. He could also have enjoyed time with his wife, but decided it better to pretend they have split up too.

I think you are overacting. Sometimes I do things with one of my children and not with the other. It’s no big deal.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable actually. You arranged a holiday that your DSC could not go on - I don't think anything is wrong with this. But I do think it is unreasonable to expect your husband not to take his children away on a break they can go on while you're away.

I think this is a little unfair, your children live with him 24/7 so get considerably more time with their dad than his other children.