Reasonable to think this is hypocritical or am I over reacting?

[UppityUp]

I really wanted to take our DC abroad this year before they start school next year. Husband didn't want to come as we can't afford to go away in the school holidays and he felt mean on DSC going without them, fair enough I understood.

So I booked a short break next week for 4 days with our DC by myself.

DH has just now told me he's booked to take DSC away for the weekend for 2 nights whilst we are gone.

AIBU to be a little miffed about this? I don't have a problem at all with him spending 1:1 time with his children but it seems he never spends it with ours because he feels bad but it's fine the other way around?

DSC are going away with their mum in the summer hols so they are getting a holiday so in my mind, me going without DH was just the same thing. Our DC get a holiday with mum and DSC get a holiday with theirs. It just seems a bit hypocritical of my husband to say he can't go away with our DC because it's mean but then do it with DSC without our DC.

If it was consistent with both I'd not care like if I knew he'd happily go away for a couple of nights / long weekend with ours but I know he wouldn't.

Just seems like anything is only unfair if it involves being unfair to DSC. If it's our DC it doesn't matter.

The "New woman" usually doesn't get a say but instead has to slot into an existing arrangement. It can be quite tricky to get your head around the idea that your life and time management now include having to coordinate with your husband's ex's life to some extent.

*Still doesn’t mean they wanted to leave the DC.

Sure, they may have to compromise with the other parent as to how often they see them.

But I never understand why a third party (usually the new woman) needs to decide how often the dad and DC get see each other. It’s between them and them alone. Accept it or move on.*

Nobody WANTS to leave their dc but if you choose to live apart from the other parent you have to accept that you cannot see your dc when & as you like! In effect you become two families (irregardless of whether you or your ex stay single or partner up) & as such it is physically impossible to see your dc ' as often as YOU (or they) want. The routines of BOTH houses, all dc, work & other commitments have to be factored in as you are no longer ONE household working together.
A 'third party' is merely one thing of many that has to be factored in!

But I never understand why a third party (usually the new woman) needs to decide how often the dad and DC get see each other. It’s between them and them alone. Accept it or move on.

This doesn't seem directly relevant to the subject of the thread?

All the same, I don't think anyone says that the "new woman" needs to decide when they see each other. They do however need to be involved in household decisions that affect them, this being one of them. So yes they need to be consulted. It isn't between them and then alone if there is a wider family being affected.

But regardless, this isn't about that. It's about how these parents go on to treat their younger children because of how they feel about their situation with their first.

Can we just stop using the SC to shut down criticism of their father? They aren’t a reason to treat his other children more poorly. Or you fail to have any consideration for anything but his own feelings.

That happens all the time on here.

The really ridiculous thing is that ‘oh won’t anyone think of tue children’ is used to protect fathers from criticism because they are not doing the right thing by any of their children. They’re doing what suits them (the fathers) best.

And it only goes one way. The younger children don’t matter to these posters. The SC must be compensated by everyone - including their half siblings - because they didn’t choose the divorce.

Indeed the younger half siblings have to make up for their own existence. The SC must be prioritised and seen as a huge blessing to their half siblings. But the half siblings are not viewed as a blessing to the SC. They’re yet another reason to treat the SC as victims.

Is it that people just think children in a ‘second family’ are less important and their child-ness somehow diminished? It certainly seems that way.

Well as pps have pointed out, the younger DC get to live with their dad full time. The older DC don’t. So they are not being treated better by their dad, no matter how you look at it. The only person who ever thinks this is the new woman who on some of these boards (not saying it’s the OP by the way) clearly wishes the old DC would just - fuck off.

Ugh I'm SO sick of the 'they get to live with him' shite thats used to excuse crappy behaviour from father's on here time and time again.

Well as pps have pointed out, the younger DC get to live with their dad full time. The older DC don’t. So they are not being treated better by their dad, no matter how you look at it. The only person who ever thinks this is the new woman who on some of these boards (not saying it’s the OP by the way) clearly wishes the old DC would just - fuck off.

This is just such a simplistic response that doesn't acknowledge any of the points people have made. Of course it's possible to treat someone you see less often better.

And you've not said anything about what that comment highlighted about how often people clearly think the younger children should fuck off as they are a hindrance to the SC. Just so ironically one sided.

Well as pps have pointed out, the younger DC get to live with their dad full time. The older DC don’t. So they are not being treated better by their dad, no matter how you look at it. The only person who ever thinks this is the new woman who on some of these boards (not saying it’s the OP by the way) clearly wishes the old DC would just - fuck off.

If you think that treating a child well/correctly is only based on if that child lives with their parent full time then I really hope you don't have kids.

Because I have seen some pretty crappy behaviour by mums and dads who live with their parents full time.

You don't have to have a child full time to be a good parent. You can be a decent parent part time too. At some point people need to take accountability for their shitty parenting and stop blaming it on others.

@Thereisnolight the reason why the woman, new partner, gets involved is because most of the men posted about on this forum are fucking useless fathers and partners/spouses.

Who thinks the younger DC should fuck off?

DSC are not victims. They are individuals growing up and owning their own life, just like a child with one home does. It’s sad that people almost define these children by the fact their parents are separated as if it’s the overriding factor that impacts their life and it needs making up for. There are a lot worse circumstances to be growing up in…these children, more often than not, are loved. this for me is such a key point. My DSC are multifaceted complex individuals just like everyone else. They are more than just the kids of divorced parents and it makes me so sad to think people might look at them as "the poor stepchildren". They have a rich and varied life and in some ways have more privileged lifestyle than my DC ever will.

Who thinks the younger DC should fuck off?

Did you read the comment you were replying to in that last post?

It is very frequently talked about on here that the younger DC might be little more than a source of upset and disruption for the SC, and even their dad, whilst the SC are to be viewed as a massive perk for the younger DC.

Me too. Women don’t do this sort of stuff to their younger children I can guarantee it.
But men are almost get encouraged to do it (ironically probably by some of the women who wouldn’t dream of behaving like that towards her younger child. But somehow relish at the thought of their ex husband always putting their shared child first in his family unit. Something she can’t bring herself to do herself in her own family because whaddayaknow… it’s not fair on her youngest).

@Thereisnolight Who thinks the younger DC should fuck off?

No one and ironically no one also thinks the elder children should either. Not one single poster has said that bar you, Interesting though because Freud theorists would argue that that probably what you think the youngest children should do right ?

But that's different I suppose in your head because youngest doesn't come from a split family.

Let me guess your kids have a SP and you hate them. Sigh 🙄

It is beyond depressing that ‘they don’t live with their dad all the time’ is used like this. Living with a man who obviously favours your half siblings and puts them before you is not a win for the younger children. Whereas the SC experience all the time with their dad as Disney time.

Fathers like this are making it clear that their nonresident children are not part of the family it household. They’re special visiting dignitaries. This is bad for everyone.

Younger DC getting to live with their dad full time isn't some kind of perk that needs to be balanced out to make things "fair", especially when said dad is too ridden by misplaced guilt to spend quality time with that DC unless the older siblings are also there. If we're going to do down that route then surely it's only fair that it's taken into account that the first DC have already got to spend X number of years living with dad full-time pre-separation. Bearing in mind the stats for second marriages not working out vs first marriages there's every chance the second DC will end up coming from a "broken" home themselves, but unlike their older siblings they never will have got to enjoy being in a traditional nuclear family as their own period of living full-time with dad would have been turned upside down every contact weekend, with dad refusing to participate in anything nice during non-contact weekends. Hardly some amazing advantage is it.

You guess wrong. Thankfully.

I would sincerely hope that my DC will never have to deal with some (because it’s not all SMs but on mumsnet it’s definitely quite a few) of the childish, utterly self-absorbed women you see on these threads. I feel very sorry for the DC involved.

@Thereisnolight actually you should be hoping if you unfortunately split that your ex doesn't behave like a fuckwit.

Most of these problems are caused by the father.

Seriously, I would hope that he would not lose interest in his DC.

And that if he was dim enough to fall for an immature and self-centred woman, that he would not allow her to insist that he sees less of them than he and they want to, until they are adults.

@Thereisnolight have you been reading a different thread? Or are you being willfully ignorant?

@Thereisnolight there's still time 🙂 karma works in funny ways. That said if you aren't a step parent and don't have any step element in your life. Why are you here with such avidly strong views on nothing you have zero experience on.. v odd behaviour

You may say some but based on your comments your quite definitive not reading the op and just spewing vile.

As I said before don't throw rocks in glass houses ect.

And that if he was dim enough to fall for an immature and self-centred woman, that he would not allow her to insist that he sees less of them than he and they want to, until they are adults.

Good job this is not something that has come up at all then 🙄

What thread are you on?

You might be glad you think your child will never have a SM like the one's on here but conversely, I am very much hoping my DD never ends up with someone in my life as black and white, unempathetic and quick to leap to deeply judgmental and inaccurate conclusions. So it very much works both ways!

My DC aren’t involved with an SM - that doesn’t mean I have no experience of step families.