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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Reasonable to think this is hypocritical or am I over reacting?

207 replies

UppityUp · 12/07/2022 11:20

I really wanted to take our DC abroad this year before they start school next year. Husband didn't want to come as we can't afford to go away in the school holidays and he felt mean on DSC going without them, fair enough I understood.

So I booked a short break next week for 4 days with our DC by myself.

DH has just now told me he's booked to take DSC away for the weekend for 2 nights whilst we are gone.

AIBU to be a little miffed about this? I don't have a problem at all with him spending 1:1 time with his children but it seems he never spends it with ours because he feels bad but it's fine the other way around?

DSC are going away with their mum in the summer hols so they are getting a holiday so in my mind, me going without DH was just the same thing. Our DC get a holiday with mum and DSC get a holiday with theirs. It just seems a bit hypocritical of my husband to say he can't go away with our DC because it's mean but then do it with DSC without our DC.

If it was consistent with both I'd not care like if I knew he'd happily go away for a couple of nights / long weekend with ours but I know he wouldn't.

Just seems like anything is only unfair if it involves being unfair to DSC. If it's our DC it doesn't matter.

OP posts:
Youseethethingis1 · 12/07/2022 19:57

In this instance I would forfeit going away without them for as long as it took my DP to get the funds together
So you would make your DC wait years for a holiday, meanwhile their half siblings are not missing out on a thing with their DM?
How lovely for your children.

aSofaNearYou · 12/07/2022 20:00

*No mitigating factors - just wanted time with my one DC doing a hobby that we both like.

My other DC was fine. Had a KFC with my DP (not their DF), watched a movie and enjoyed time just the two of them.*

There's just an elephant in the room that you are massively overlooking. It isn't that he simply hasn't been able to go with his youngest or doesn't happen to have something he wants to do with them. It's that he specifically refused to do something with them BECAUSE he couldn't do it without the other children, yet was perfectly happy to do the same in reverse. It's not remotely the same as what you're describing, the motives behind it are much worse.

Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 20:00

weekendninja · 12/07/2022 19:51

With my DP we both work out how to do things together. In this instance I would forfeit going away without them for as long as it took my DP to get the funds together (if the OP doesn't want to contribute). No judgement if she doesn't - it's not the way my relationship works.

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I wouldn't do that to my DC it's incredibly unfair and if I died tomorrow I wouldn't want them having a list of things they could have done with me if it weren't for the DSC, and l Iike hell would I pay for them, they have their parents to pay for that.

Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 20:01

It's that he specifically refused to do something with them BECAUSE he couldn't do it without the other children, yet was perfectly happy to do the same in reverse. this the absolute key point to this, and why he's at risk of damaging DC's relationship with himself and their half siblings.

mrsm43s · 12/07/2022 20:15

I don't see the problem with this, it seems entirely fair. Each of the 3 children have had a holiday/break with one of their DPs provided by the household.

It would be unfair for the household to provide a holiday for only one out of the three children. This way everyone gets a holiday. No-one is being treated favourably.

What happens in other households is not within this household's control and is entirely irrelevant. You can't exclude step children from the family holiday.

Catfordthefifth · 12/07/2022 20:17

mrsm43s · 12/07/2022 20:15

I don't see the problem with this, it seems entirely fair. Each of the 3 children have had a holiday/break with one of their DPs provided by the household.

It would be unfair for the household to provide a holiday for only one out of the three children. This way everyone gets a holiday. No-one is being treated favourably.

What happens in other households is not within this household's control and is entirely irrelevant. You can't exclude step children from the family holiday.

But you can exclude resident children?

Youseethethingis1 · 12/07/2022 20:21

Yeah cos that's the way kids think - "doesn't matter dad went on a trip with the other kids and won't come with me, the household provided my little holiday so it's fine.. "

kitchenplans · 12/07/2022 21:14

Youseethethingis1 · 12/07/2022 20:21

Yeah cos that's the way kids think - "doesn't matter dad went on a trip with the other kids and won't come with me, the household provided my little holiday so it's fine.. "

Yes, of course it will be how they think. It will be the holidays offered by the household/family unit.

We're not a step family, but we have two children.

If DH and I took child A on holiday and didn't take child B, child B would feel left out, obviously, and that would be unfair.

However, if I took child A on holiday and DH took child B on holiday, neither child would feel left out, and it would be fair.

OP wanted to do the equivalent of the first scenario, which is blatently unfair. Her DH has done the equivalent of the second scenario, which is perfectly fair and reasonable.

The fact that the DSC might get another holiday provided by their other household is neither here nor there and not OP's DH's concern. His concern is that within his household/family unit the children are treated fairly. This means that either ALL of the children must be offered a holiday or none of the children are. If the same holiday isn't suitable for all, it's fine for different holidays to be taken (as long as they are broadly equal - not one going to Disney Florida, and the others camping in Wales!).

Catfordthefifth · 12/07/2022 21:18

@kitchenplans that's not the same is it, they are all your biological children.

Op has one child. DH has 3. DH has a responsibility to all 3. Its not okay to say well I'll not bother with that one because my wife will, I'll just bother with the original two.

His concern is misplaced and foolish.

Starseeking · 12/07/2022 21:25

I really don't know what planet some people are on. One of the things my EXDP used to do was not joining in any fun times at our house, even simple things like going to the park with our joint DC, when his DS, my DSC wasn't there.

He encouraged his DS to believe that things should only happen to the point where DSS asked me why we went to my niece's birthday party which didn't fall on his weekend. Instead of explaining sensibly to him, EXDP pipes up "well I didn't go" as if it was a badge of honour, leaving me to explain to DSS that life in our house continues when he is at his DM's.

I could see my EXDP refusing to go on holiday with me and our joint DC, and taking his DS on a solo holiday, if he wasn't such a tight so-and-so and actually went on holidays. It wouldn't be right, as an adult shouldn't have to behave as if they are a single parent if they are not to accommodate odd behaviour from their DP. I'd be fuming if my DP did this, and couldn't understand why it was an issue.

Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 21:27

We're not a step family, but we have two children. I see what you are saying in your example but it is not the same. Step families have extra layers of dynamics and relationships that all need nurturing. Dad can't only bother with some of his kids but not the other. Not in a step family.

Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 21:30

Yes, of course it will be how they think. It will be the holidays offered by the household/family unit. it's important to remember that yes they are one family but they are also within that also units, Dad and his 3 kids, dad and mum and DC, Dad (+ex) and 2 DSC.

Youseethethingis1 · 12/07/2022 21:38

The issue, and I can't quite believe this has to be stated yet again, is that the dad part of the household/family unit, is only bothering with some of his children.
Whether you are in a step family or not, this is not great behaviour.
The fact that dad is part of the household means shit all to the younger child if it means he can't or won't be properly present without the other children who don't live there.

Thereisnolight · 12/07/2022 21:50

funinthesun19 · 12/07/2022 19:32

I hope all the people going on about the older children needing much much much more 1-2-1 time with dad as opposed to the youngest, don’t show up on a thread soon about the stepmum and her parents taking SM’s child out for the day while dad is on his day off work and bleat on about how unfair it is that the stepchildren have to stay at home with dad.

No one ever bleats about the stepchildren being with their dad. That’s precisely where they want to be!

Catfordthefifth · 12/07/2022 21:52

You're joking right @Thereisnolight ?

Thereisnolight · 12/07/2022 22:10

Catfordthefifth · 12/07/2022 21:52

You're joking right @Thereisnolight ?

No.

Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 22:12

Thereisnolight · 12/07/2022 21:50

No one ever bleats about the stepchildren being with their dad. That’s precisely where they want to be!

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Are you new around these parts?

funinthesun19 · 12/07/2022 22:16

Thereisnolight · 12/07/2022 21:50

No one ever bleats about the stepchildren being with their dad. That’s precisely where they want to be!

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I’ve seen plenty of times where posters on here bleat on about how unfair it is when the stepchildren aren’t going out with the stepmum and her family and are “left” with their father as though it’s something truly awful to happen to them. Opportunity for 1-2-1 time with their father right there.

Steptoeandson · 12/07/2022 22:27

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ

Magda72 · 12/07/2022 23:20

Threads like this honestly make me want to bang my head off a wall!
How can anyone defend this man's behaviour? He is expecting his wife to behave as a single parent to spare his (projected) dc's (misguided) 'feelings' & then goes and does precisely the thing he didn't want to do to the dscs to his joint dc!
HE chose to have more kids & he doesn't then get to chose to step back because he feels like it.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 12/07/2022 23:28

@Thereisnolight you are definitely new here 😂😂

Original poster
UppityUp · 13/07/2022 05:04

It does make me laugh a little that whenever this comes up in reverse i.e. DSC not getting a holiday with Dad but going with their Mum it's always insisted that it's not about the amount of holidays but the face they don't get to experience going with their Dad. But here, in this case, it's okay because "the household" is providing the same amount of holidays (which isn't actually true as I said in my OP we are considering going away in the summer all together).

My issue is not with the fact my husband is spending 1-2-1 time with DSC. That's great for them I agree. And it's not that I think EVERY time he does something for one he should do it for the other. But I do think if you're not even willing to do the same for the other if you're given the opportunity to do so then you're being hypocritical. It's the fact I know he would never do this with our DC because it's unfair on his older DC but seems to be happy to do it in reverse, it's only ever unfair when it's DSC missing out, not our DC. He won't even go on days out if they are deemed "too fun" without DSC.

He HAD the opportunity to go away with our DC and chose not to take it BECAUSE it was apparently unfair. And I accepted and understood that. And then he did exactly what he apparently thought was unfair, to our DC. So is it unfair or not?

OP posts:
Original poster
UppityUp · 13/07/2022 05:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ

I totally agree.

OP posts:
Original poster
UppityUp · 13/07/2022 05:07

And to the PP who said she's been away with her eldest twice but not her youngest...

That would only be the same situation if you'd refused to go away with your youngest because it was unfair on your eldest and then gone away with your eldest without your youngest. Which I'm assuming didn't happen.

OP posts:
startfresh · 13/07/2022 05:39

Not a step mum/have no step family so probably shouldn't be on this board. But I wanted to say if me and DH broke up and he went on to have more kids with someone, and I heard he behaved like this, I would be the one telling him he's ridiculous!

If it was my partner, I would be asking him why it's fair this way and not letting him back down and ignore until he admits what a hypocrite he is. It sounds ridiculous.