Reasonable to think this is hypocritical or am I over reacting?

[UppityUp]

I really wanted to take our DC abroad this year before they start school next year. Husband didn't want to come as we can't afford to go away in the school holidays and he felt mean on DSC going without them, fair enough I understood.

So I booked a short break next week for 4 days with our DC by myself.

DH has just now told me he's booked to take DSC away for the weekend for 2 nights whilst we are gone.

AIBU to be a little miffed about this? I don't have a problem at all with him spending 1:1 time with his children but it seems he never spends it with ours because he feels bad but it's fine the other way around?

DSC are going away with their mum in the summer hols so they are getting a holiday so in my mind, me going without DH was just the same thing. Our DC get a holiday with mum and DSC get a holiday with theirs. It just seems a bit hypocritical of my husband to say he can't go away with our DC because it's mean but then do it with DSC without our DC.

If it was consistent with both I'd not care like if I knew he'd happily go away for a couple of nights / long weekend with ours but I know he wouldn't.

Just seems like anything is only unfair if it involves being unfair to DSC. If it's our DC it doesn't matter.

But, do you always do things with the same child and never with the others? Surely you can see it’s unfair to do so.

OP, I’d talk to him about it after the holiday and suggests he takes your kids away for a few days by himself. I bet you never get any kid-free time.

I don't understand why it's not ok for him to exclude his other children but it's ok for your DS to be excluded from his break.

Is he taking his children away in the UK?

Your children live with him 24/7 so get considerably more time with their dad than his other children.

Basically, DC are now having to live/holiday as though their parents are separated because DH has children from a previous relationship. Bizarre, DC shouldn’t be paying for DH being divorced.

I think both of these comments reflect a kind of extreme thinking that isn't helpful.

The fact that a child lives with their dad 24/7 doesn't mean that it is OK for that dad to ignore their needs and constantly prioritize his first children. Equally, the DH does have a responsibility to look after his children who don't always live with them and this does mean that sometimes situations where they do things separately will occur - this isn't the DC "paying for the divorce".

In all families children have to fit in with the needs of their siblings at times.
In blended families the children will be treated slightly differently because they have different parents. It's the way life works.
All children are equally important should be treated fairly but this doesn't mean identically in all circumstances.

So dsc get 2 holidays with a dp each? Your own dc won't get one with their df?
He has a skewed mind op.

Time to speak out on behalf of your joint dc.

Utterly unfair on your DC and is sending a message that DC isn't enough without DSC there which is incredibly damaging as for large parts of DC's life DSC won't be there. He needs to sort himself out before he does some serious irreparable emotional damage to DC.

He's not though he's only taking two of his children away. He can't be bothered with DC.

This is just ridiculous! What irreparable damage is he going to do?!

The DC have both parents there 24/7. The DCS don't. Keeping a tally on time/holidays etc and wanting it to be completely equal is an impossible task.

Parenting (step or not) is about considering each child individually and as a collective - as far as I can see that is what the DH is creating here.

The OP was happy to arrange a holiday without the DSC and the DF is happy to arrange a trip with his DC that he has shared care with. I cannot see the OPs problem.

the DF is happy to arrange a trip with his DC that he has shared care with. no he hasn't, his arranged a trip for some of his kids and refused to join in a trip with the DC he shares with OP. Because DC isn't enough without DSC yet DSC are enough with out DC. Its disgusting.

Love this 👏🏼👏🏼

Dc get the daily grind with df. Dsc get the fun times. Def some damage risk for the future imo.

My stepson got two holidays a year one with his mother and one with his maternal grandparents. That doesn't mean my husband would feel less crap going off on one with me and our shared child and not taking his son on holidays.

We've done similar to this a couple of years, I've taken dd away for a long weekend with my mum and dh has spent the weekend camping or something with his son but on the understand he would absolutely do the same with our dd once she was old enough to enjoy the long walks and camping stuff. And to be fair to him, he did and now she's almost 18 they still do it. I'd encourage your husband to do the same, little U.K. break break as a blended family, then with your child because as well as building a good relationship with child, you get a few days to yourself too.

My stepson would get some expensive Xmas gifts from his grandparents and at the time a few people told me I was crazy for not diverting more of our budget to our shared child and my son because we had less money. Or some even suggested he stop paying child support because his ex didn't need it.

Rather than it being about which children have had more holidays (because without a doubt my stepson gets a lot more) we try to look at it as amount of quality time with parents. He's never factored in his ex's financial status or how many holidays she's provided when planning time with his children as that's not what it's about for him.

So some years we didn't have a big blended family holiday due to income and instead at various points through the year we would get childcare for dd and have a weekend city break to take stepson to something he's interested in, wrestling or something and another time we'd take dd to something for her, peppa pig crap etc with big days outs scattered about, regular camping trips with dh taking a mix of both his children and taking turns in taking just one.

It's so hard getting the balance right as there's so many variables.

Sorry but I'd go through him for a shortcut! Can he honestly not see how skewed his thinking is & how unfair he's being to you and your joint dc????
He could have gone away with you both AND taken sdc away later on in the summer but he's choosing not to. How on earth can blended families ever work when you have nrps blatantly treating their subsequent children as second class citizens!
Saying all the above as a dm.

So some years we didn't have a big blended family holiday due to income and instead at various points through the year we would get childcare for dd and have a weekend city break to take stepson to something he's interested in, wrestling or something and another time we'd take dd to something for her, peppa pig crap etc with big days outs scattered about, regular camping trips with dh taking a mix of both his children and taking turns in taking just one
This sounds like the ideal to be honest - all kids getting a bit of focus and attention according to ages/stages/interests.
OP has stated she isn't upset that her DSC are getting this time with their dad, but that her DC won't get it because he feels too guilty to do anything with or for them without the others.

I’d be pissed, I don’t think I could leave it! Id
have to say to him- Oh poor ds their dad going away with his other children without him, I thought that was exactly what you thought was so terribly unfair? Or Is it not unfair because for some reason ds matters less? That’s what I think and it doesn’t make me like you more, or think it’s a good example for my child for me to be in a relationship with someone who shows such blatant favouritism.
He’d have to schedule some one on one time with ds to go out and do something fun and If be very clear this had to be exciting enough to count and without one single word of what I assume is his usual moaning about how his real children are missing out if he wanted to fix this.

I’d be really pissed off at this too.

He feels too guilty about the SC so he refuses to go away with the shared child. His youngest. That child isn’t allowed a holiday with their parents.

Then, he decides that he needs to compensate the SC for you taking your child on holiday (without your husband/the child’s father) by taking them away himself. He’s choosing to show very clearly that his youngest child matters less and should be disadvantaged relative to their half siblings. He doesn’t feel bad about his youngest child missing out because somehow living with dad is supposed to be enough for that child.

And people rush in to justify this because he feels guilty about his broken first family.

All fathers in this kind of situation should get therapy and stop punishing their youngest child(ren) for their father’s choices.

All fathers in this kind of situation should get therapy and stop punishing their youngest child(ren) for their father’s choices.
Couldn't agree more!

Yup. It does no one any favours

I can understand why you’re annoyed. He won’t take his children out of a school for a family holiday. But he will take them out of school if it’s in retaliation to you still taking pre school DC away.

Spending time with their dad will be nice no doubt, but I doubt that’s what was at the forefront of his mind when he booked it. He saw this as a game and somehow in the process forgot that he doesn’t want to take his kids out of school 🤔 Funny that.

@Steptoeandson only in the same way as I paid for my parents decision to have another child. After all, I got less attention when my little sister came along, there was less money to go around and my parents had to consider her needs alongside my own. Having any kind of sibling is a compromise.

I think it's more damaging to pit children from different relationships as rivals for a finite amount of love rather than as a family where everyone has different needs and wants and everyone cares for each other.

@funinthesun19 I don't think the SC is being taken out of school - I think it is a two night weekend break.

I feel like a good compromise could have been all four of them going away together for a weekend break but I don't think the OP would have been happy with that as she wanted to take her child away for a longer time abroad.

But you didn't book your holiday in the school holidays so the dsc could come.

I don't see the problem. Your dc are presumably fairly young, they live with your DH and he sees them the whole time. I presume your children don't really have a problem with him not being there and seeing their half siblings while they are away. And he wants to spend some time with his other children.

She didn't invite the step children, she invited the DH.

Oh the usual bullshit, well he lives with them so who cares if he neglects them in every other way ffs

Why isn't it as easy to "presume" that the younger children would have enjoyed it if their father had just gone on the bloody holiday with them? He could just as easily have taken the other kids another time, then he would have spent quality leisure time with all his children and not just the select few.