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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Reasonable to think this is hypocritical or am I over reacting?

207 replies

UppityUp · 12/07/2022 11:20

I really wanted to take our DC abroad this year before they start school next year. Husband didn't want to come as we can't afford to go away in the school holidays and he felt mean on DSC going without them, fair enough I understood.

So I booked a short break next week for 4 days with our DC by myself.

DH has just now told me he's booked to take DSC away for the weekend for 2 nights whilst we are gone.

AIBU to be a little miffed about this? I don't have a problem at all with him spending 1:1 time with his children but it seems he never spends it with ours because he feels bad but it's fine the other way around?

DSC are going away with their mum in the summer hols so they are getting a holiday so in my mind, me going without DH was just the same thing. Our DC get a holiday with mum and DSC get a holiday with theirs. It just seems a bit hypocritical of my husband to say he can't go away with our DC because it's mean but then do it with DSC without our DC.

If it was consistent with both I'd not care like if I knew he'd happily go away for a couple of nights / long weekend with ours but I know he wouldn't.

Just seems like anything is only unfair if it involves being unfair to DSC. If it's our DC it doesn't matter.

OP posts:
Steptoeandson · 13/07/2022 08:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 13/07/2022 08:52

startfresh · 13/07/2022 05:39

Not a step mum/have no step family so probably shouldn't be on this board. But I wanted to say if me and DH broke up and he went on to have more kids with someone, and I heard he behaved like this, I would be the one telling him he's ridiculous!

If it was my partner, I would be asking him why it's fair this way and not letting him back down and ignore until he admits what a hypocrite he is. It sounds ridiculous.

Everyone is welcome on this board - it's just vipers that aren't.

This board tends to be haunted by people who have a axe to grind re blended families and take their frustrations out on unknowing OPs so people tend to be a bit wary about posting. Thank you for a balanced answer. It can sometimes feel like all common sense goes out the window when it comes to DSC and some posters encourage that !

I certainly think this situation is baffling tbh

Hotinnit · 13/07/2022 09:18

What did DH say when you pointed it out OP?

aSofaNearYou · 13/07/2022 10:14

UppityUp · 13/07/2022 05:04

It does make me laugh a little that whenever this comes up in reverse i.e. DSC not getting a holiday with Dad but going with their Mum it's always insisted that it's not about the amount of holidays but the face they don't get to experience going with their Dad. But here, in this case, it's okay because "the household" is providing the same amount of holidays (which isn't actually true as I said in my OP we are considering going away in the summer all together).

My issue is not with the fact my husband is spending 1-2-1 time with DSC. That's great for them I agree. And it's not that I think EVERY time he does something for one he should do it for the other. But I do think if you're not even willing to do the same for the other if you're given the opportunity to do so then you're being hypocritical. It's the fact I know he would never do this with our DC because it's unfair on his older DC but seems to be happy to do it in reverse, it's only ever unfair when it's DSC missing out, not our DC. He won't even go on days out if they are deemed "too fun" without DSC.

He HAD the opportunity to go away with our DC and chose not to take it BECAUSE it was apparently unfair. And I accepted and understood that. And then he did exactly what he apparently thought was unfair, to our DC. So is it unfair or not?

Great response OP. It's clear why this is a double standard and it's clear that you, at least, understand that.

aSofaNearYou · 13/07/2022 10:14

UppityUp · 13/07/2022 05:04

It does make me laugh a little that whenever this comes up in reverse i.e. DSC not getting a holiday with Dad but going with their Mum it's always insisted that it's not about the amount of holidays but the face they don't get to experience going with their Dad. But here, in this case, it's okay because "the household" is providing the same amount of holidays (which isn't actually true as I said in my OP we are considering going away in the summer all together).

My issue is not with the fact my husband is spending 1-2-1 time with DSC. That's great for them I agree. And it's not that I think EVERY time he does something for one he should do it for the other. But I do think if you're not even willing to do the same for the other if you're given the opportunity to do so then you're being hypocritical. It's the fact I know he would never do this with our DC because it's unfair on his older DC but seems to be happy to do it in reverse, it's only ever unfair when it's DSC missing out, not our DC. He won't even go on days out if they are deemed "too fun" without DSC.

He HAD the opportunity to go away with our DC and chose not to take it BECAUSE it was apparently unfair. And I accepted and understood that. And then he did exactly what he apparently thought was unfair, to our DC. So is it unfair or not?

Great response OP. It's clear why this is a double standard and it's clear that you, at least, understand that.

startfresh · 14/07/2022 05:38

Thanks pitchforksandflamethrowers, I've read quite a lot of posts on this board, it's one of the boards that interests me, especially when there are hypocritical "make things fair by treating first kids more special" dads. Im flabbergasted by it.

I probably would be bitter if my husband moved on with someone else, but it wouldn't stop me wanting my kids to be treated normally, not spoilt. Dads should spend on all kids equally, not expect current wife to pick up at home and overcompensate with elder kids. I don't get the logic.

Steptoeandson · 14/07/2022 06:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ

startfresh · 14/07/2022 06:32

@Steptoeandson please read my previous post (up maybe 4/5 posts)

I was completely agreeing with the OP. Even read the end of my post you're replying to "not expect the new wife to pick up at home whilst he overcompensates with elder kids"

I'm literally saying that it's unfair to treat his elder kids as he is and not do the same for his younger kids.

I never once said the OPs husband was treating them equally?? I did consider their life at their mums

chopc · 14/07/2022 07:21

I think your DC are growing up in a household with both their parents and this is what your DH feels guilty about.

There is no solution as you can't absolve him of his guilt. But he feels less guilty dumping your joint DC as he is a full time family with them

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 14/07/2022 07:33

@startfresh I wouldn't assume you would be bitter and honestly I'm not sure that mums that encourage this behaviour comes totally from a place of being bitter. I wasn't although I did have feelings, they were for me to manage as that was best for Dd ultimately and it turns out me.

I'm a SM and a mum with a sm for my DD (my exDH got with her under horrible circumstances) but you know the more time I spend on here the more I'm convinced it's a mixture of power play but also fundamentally believing everyone must make up for DSC coming from a broken home. You often find when a new baby is born in a blended family mums get very upset and I think it's because they have a "rival" in terms of another mum who's power is equal to her own. It's a fear response from mum and I would have time for that if people didn't actually attack the wrong person.

Watch some of the threads, you will see the same lines trotted out regardless of the op usually. It's fascinating and awful at the same time because it's real people on the receiving end of vile comments that fairly damaging if everyone in a step family believes them.

Again for being balanced response and thoughtful in your approach. We are so usually on receiving end of hideous comments so people get a bit jumpy sometimes.

TrailOfAbandonedPlanners · 14/07/2022 07:34

chopc · 14/07/2022 07:21

I think your DC are growing up in a household with both their parents and this is what your DH feels guilty about.

There is no solution as you can't absolve him of his guilt. But he feels less guilty dumping your joint DC as he is a full time family with them

That’s completely unacceptable though. It’s not an excuse.

Hotinnit · 14/07/2022 07:38

chopc · 14/07/2022 07:21

I think your DC are growing up in a household with both their parents and this is what your DH feels guilty about.

There is no solution as you can't absolve him of his guilt. But he feels less guilty dumping your joint DC as he is a full time family with them

Then he needs to sort out his guilt. He knew what he was doing when they got divorced. It's not right to put his problems on his kids, any of them. He needs to seek counselling if he cant stop this behaviour.

Hotinnit · 14/07/2022 07:40

Presumably when they got divorced/seperated they thought it was best for the kids. So what is there to feel guilty about?! They did what was best for the kids.

TrailOfAbandonedPlanners · 14/07/2022 08:17

Maybe these guilt ridden men should consider that, by treating their younger children as less important, they are very much increasing the likelihood of a second divorce and living with none of their children.

perhaps they should stop punishing the ‘second family’ for his choices and make the best of his actual situation.

funinthesun19 · 14/07/2022 10:27

I think your DC are growing up in a household with both their parents and this is what your DH feels guilty about.

Well boo hoo for DH. His youngest living with both parents and older ones not is just part of the reality of having children with more than one person. He’s an adult so he should understand this. He can’t just panic about it now and take it out on his youngest child.

RedWingBoots · 14/07/2022 12:58

TrailOfAbandonedPlanners · 14/07/2022 08:17

Maybe these guilt ridden men should consider that, by treating their younger children as less important, they are very much increasing the likelihood of a second divorce and living with none of their children.

perhaps they should stop punishing the ‘second family’ for his choices and make the best of his actual situation.

👏

Well said.

user237363826 · 15/07/2022 12:04

TrailOfAbandonedPlanners · 14/07/2022 08:17

Maybe these guilt ridden men should consider that, by treating their younger children as less important, they are very much increasing the likelihood of a second divorce and living with none of their children.

perhaps they should stop punishing the ‘second family’ for his choices and make the best of his actual situation.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Magda72 · 15/07/2022 12:31

perhaps they should stop punishing the ‘second family’ for his choices and make the best of his actual situation.
So well said. Most divorces are wanted (maybe not equally) by both parties so I have NO time for nrps (bar in cases of severe PA) who then make it their life's work to feel sad that they don't see their dc more! If you choose to divorce it stands to reason neither parent will see their dc every day. If you choose to divorce you need to pull your big boy pants up & get on with it instead of ruining your own life & the lives of subsequent partners & children.
It bewilders me that so many parents seem to think that divorce will mean no change to the family dynamic - that all will be as it was bar you having to share a bed with your annoying ex!

Thereisnolight · 15/07/2022 18:24

Magda72 · 15/07/2022 12:31

perhaps they should stop punishing the ‘second family’ for his choices and make the best of his actual situation.
So well said. Most divorces are wanted (maybe not equally) by both parties so I have NO time for nrps (bar in cases of severe PA) who then make it their life's work to feel sad that they don't see their dc more! If you choose to divorce it stands to reason neither parent will see their dc every day. If you choose to divorce you need to pull your big boy pants up & get on with it instead of ruining your own life & the lives of subsequent partners & children.
It bewilders me that so many parents seem to think that divorce will mean no change to the family dynamic - that all will be as it was bar you having to share a bed with your annoying ex!

The DC didn’t choose to divorce.

TrailOfAbandonedPlanners · 15/07/2022 18:39

The DC didn’t choose to divorce.

Their parents did. And that means their father doesn’t get to play the poor, guilt-ridden martyr or punish the younger children that he also chose to have for him having chosen to divorce his first wife.

Ontomatopea · 15/07/2022 18:41

Thereisnolight · 15/07/2022 18:24

The DC didn’t choose to divorce.

Show quote history

And? Their parents should have thought through all the implications of divorce before going ahead.

Ontomatopea · 15/07/2022 18:42

TrailOfAbandonedPlanners · 15/07/2022 18:39

The DC didn’t choose to divorce.

Their parents did. And that means their father doesn’t get to play the poor, guilt-ridden martyr or punish the younger children that he also chose to have for him having chosen to divorce his first wife.

I agree. He knew what divorce would entail

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 15/07/2022 18:44

@Thereisnolight yes of course they didn't.

They are children. Children shouldn't have the same power as adults because drum roll... they are children.

Adults chose to get married. Adults chose to leave a marriage. 🤷🏼‍♀️

TrailOfAbandonedPlanners · 15/07/2022 18:45

Loads of us stayed in relationships long after we would have left because we knew that ending the relationship had implications for how often we would see our kids. We ended them knowing what would happen.

Let’s stop pretending that adults who decide to end their relationship don’t know what that means.

Never mind adults who choose to have a new relationship and have more children.

Whether the children chose anything is not relevant to their father needing to learn to make the best of the circumstances of which he has been a principle architect.

Thereisnolight · 15/07/2022 19:15

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 15/07/2022 18:44

@Thereisnolight yes of course they didn't.

They are children. Children shouldn't have the same power as adults because drum roll... they are children.

Adults chose to get married. Adults chose to leave a marriage. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Still doesn’t mean they wanted to leave the DC.

Sure, they may have to compromise with the other parent as to how often they see them.

But I never understand why a third party (usually the new woman) needs to decide how often the dad and DC get see each other. It’s between them and them alone. Accept it or move on.