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Original poster

Reasonable to think this is hypocritical or am I over reacting?

207 replies

UppityUp · 12/07/2022 11:20

I really wanted to take our DC abroad this year before they start school next year. Husband didn't want to come as we can't afford to go away in the school holidays and he felt mean on DSC going without them, fair enough I understood.

So I booked a short break next week for 4 days with our DC by myself.

DH has just now told me he's booked to take DSC away for the weekend for 2 nights whilst we are gone.

AIBU to be a little miffed about this? I don't have a problem at all with him spending 1:1 time with his children but it seems he never spends it with ours because he feels bad but it's fine the other way around?

DSC are going away with their mum in the summer hols so they are getting a holiday so in my mind, me going without DH was just the same thing. Our DC get a holiday with mum and DSC get a holiday with theirs. It just seems a bit hypocritical of my husband to say he can't go away with our DC because it's mean but then do it with DSC without our DC.

If it was consistent with both I'd not care like if I knew he'd happily go away for a couple of nights / long weekend with ours but I know he wouldn't.

Just seems like anything is only unfair if it involves being unfair to DSC. If it's our DC it doesn't matter.

OP posts:
Lilithslove · 12/07/2022 18:01

But you didn't book your holiday in the school holidays so the dsc could come.

Exactly @HelenHywater The op (understandably) did not want to comprise her own child's experience as she wanted to take them abroad when it is cheap.

The DH has seen away that his other children can go away too and not miss school.

Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 18:01

Oh the usual bullshit, well he lives with them so who cares if he neglects them in every other way ffs yeah you see that on here a lot, it's a lot of but your DC get to see him every day. Well yes but if he's an arse every day unless the DSC are there that means shit.

Catfordthefifth · 12/07/2022 18:02

Lilithslove · 12/07/2022 18:01

But you didn't book your holiday in the school holidays so the dsc could come.

Exactly @HelenHywater The op (understandably) did not want to comprise her own child's experience as she wanted to take them abroad when it is cheap.

The DH has seen away that his other children can go away too and not miss school.

But still won't go away with the youngest

HelenHywater · 12/07/2022 18:11

but there's absolutely no suggestion at all that he neglects the children he lives with or is an arse every day.

aSofaNearYou · 12/07/2022 18:26

HelenHywater · 12/07/2022 18:11

but there's absolutely no suggestion at all that he neglects the children he lives with or is an arse every day.

Maybe not that he's being an arse every day but there IS plenty of evidence that he considers it unacceptable as a father to go away without his older DC, but does not feel the same about his younger DC. By his own definition, he is neglecting them.

Youseethethingis1 · 12/07/2022 18:28

And also the fact he says he can't do X Y and Z with ours because it's not fair but then does it with DSC
@HelenHywater this quote from OP suggests he does have form for being a bit of a guilt ridden arse towards his younger DC.

Catfordthefifth · 12/07/2022 18:33

HelenHywater · 12/07/2022 18:11

but there's absolutely no suggestion at all that he neglects the children he lives with or is an arse every day.

The fact he is happy to leave out one child and not the others certainly suggests he's an arse to me.

Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 18:40

aSofaNearYou · 12/07/2022 18:26

Maybe not that he's being an arse every day but there IS plenty of evidence that he considers it unacceptable as a father to go away without his older DC, but does not feel the same about his younger DC. By his own definition, he is neglecting them.

Show quote history

Yes, why is it ok to go away with out DC but not without DSC. The golden first children?

Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 18:42

Youseethethingis1 · 12/07/2022 18:28

And also the fact he says he can't do X Y and Z with ours because it's not fair but then does it with DSC
@HelenHywater this quote from OP suggests he does have form for being a bit of a guilt ridden arse towards his younger DC.

Ok maybe he isn't an arse every day, but eow weekend being an arse is also not on and possibly even more damaging as DC will pick up on how daddy is only an arse to me when DSC are here he must want them more than me..

funinthesun19 · 12/07/2022 18:45

Your dc are presumably fairly young, they live with your DH and he sees them the whole time.

And that is his youngest child’s problem to deal with because….?

He CHOSE to have more children. Mums manage this perfectly fine without using their youngest’s living arrangements against them to benefit their older children.

HelenHywater · 12/07/2022 18:51

Yes but the way around the issue was to book one holiday and take all children on the same one.

The OP booked a term time holiday because she wanted her children to have that experience. Which is fine. But why is it ok that the H didn't come on that, but it became an issue as soon as he wanted to take the other children for a couple of days?

The younger children aren't suffering - they are young and won't care at all unless the OP makes a big thing about it. it's just 4 days. And in the future, just book one holiday that all the kids can go on together , and if that needs to be in school holidays and in the UK, then that's fine.

Catfordthefifth · 12/07/2022 18:59

HelenHywater · 12/07/2022 18:51

Yes but the way around the issue was to book one holiday and take all children on the same one.

The OP booked a term time holiday because she wanted her children to have that experience. Which is fine. But why is it ok that the H didn't come on that, but it became an issue as soon as he wanted to take the other children for a couple of days?

The younger children aren't suffering - they are young and won't care at all unless the OP makes a big thing about it. it's just 4 days. And in the future, just book one holiday that all the kids can go on together , and if that needs to be in school holidays and in the UK, then that's fine.

It was okay, because he wasn't going away with any of his children. Now it's not okay because he's going away with 2 our of 3 of them.

It would have been okay for him to do both trips.

The solution isn't for op to change her plans, it's for her husband to treat his children like equals. Hth.

Catfordthefifth · 12/07/2022 19:00

And actually no, I don't think it is fine if the second children have to always always compromise for the first. Why bloody should they? That's not fair at all.

They're not second class citizens.

Youseethethingis1 · 12/07/2022 19:00

But why is it ok that the H didn't come on that, but it became an issue as soon as he wanted to take the other children for a couple of days
Because there was no need whatsoever for him to decline the opportunity for a break with his wife and younger DC. So now he's made sure that one set of kids get two holidays (one with mum, one with dad) and the other only get one with mum. So the DH, the only adult in this scenario with any obligations to create fairness between the children, has deliberately created inequality.
Which is an arsey thing to do.

Thereisnolight · 12/07/2022 19:08

If you really really want him to treat all the children equally then he should spend 50% of his time living with your DC and 50% with his ex’s DC.

drlel · 12/07/2022 19:09

The way I see it:

Your joint DC having a trip alone with you is the same as your DSC having a trip with their own mum.

So why does he do a trip with his one of his DC and not the other?

If he felt bad about DSC bit having a trip with him, why does he not feel bad about your joint DC not having a trip with him?

Catfordthefifth · 12/07/2022 19:09

Thereisnolight · 12/07/2022 19:08

If you really really want him to treat all the children equally then he should spend 50% of his time living with your DC and 50% with his ex’s DC.

......what?

Thereisnolight · 12/07/2022 19:10

Catfordthefifth · 12/07/2022 19:09

......what?

Show quote history

What part don’t you understand?

girlmom21 · 12/07/2022 19:10

Thereisnolight · 12/07/2022 19:08

If you really really want him to treat all the children equally then he should spend 50% of his time living with your DC and 50% with his ex’s DC.

He should just tell his ex he's having his kids full time, if we're all just here to contribute nonsense...

Thereisnolight · 12/07/2022 19:11

The younger DC live with him full-time. The older ones don’t. So he spends an extra holiday with them. Why all the whingeing and moaning?

Catfordthefifth · 12/07/2022 19:14

Thereisnolight · 12/07/2022 19:11

The younger DC live with him full-time. The older ones don’t. So he spends an extra holiday with them. Why all the whingeing and moaning?

Are you being ignorant on purpose or?

Living with someone is not an excuse for emotional neglect, is it? Or have I missed something?

Thereisnolight · 12/07/2022 19:17

Catfordthefifth · 12/07/2022 19:14

Are you being ignorant on purpose or?

Living with someone is not an excuse for emotional neglect, is it? Or have I missed something?

Show quote history

In what way is he emotionally abusive to his younger DC?

Thereisnolight · 12/07/2022 19:17

Or neglectful?

Catfordthefifth · 12/07/2022 19:18

Refusing to do things with them unless their older siblings are there.

GroggyLegs · 12/07/2022 19:18

I'd be asking him when he planned to do the younger kids weekend of fun with Daddy.