I don't want DC included in contact

[SmileyPiuPiu]

I have DSC who are here EOWeekend and in the holidays. DH goes to see them on the week that DSC aren't either us. We have shared DC. DSC live a fair distance away. Now DC has got a bit older DH has suggested he takes them along on his contact with the DSC. I am against this for two reasons:

1. The DSC are older and it does them good to have time with their dad by themselves, they are individuals.
2. I really don't like the idea of DC being in "their world" it feels odd them all getting together without me in an area that DC has absolutely no connection or need to be in.

I think 1. is valid but am struggling with 2. I think is unreasonable but I'm struggling to terms with it. I guess I want DC as unaffected as possible by his previous relationships.

Please be kind, I've admitted I'm struggling here and I know it's perhaps not logical so please please don't bash me when I'm down.

It depends on the activity. If he's taking them to, say, Harry Potter World, all would enjoy going. If it was a day with the SDC's grandparents, leave them with you.

He should have time on his own with his older DC sometimes.

If your children want to go along to see their sibling, what is the issue?
is this thinly veiled jealousy?

I don't see any harm in your child going sometimes - it's their sibling and that's a lovely relationship to develop if they want to. I also agree though that DSC should also have alone time with your other half.

So (I say this gently and kindly), try to take yourself out of the thought process and think about the children. At some point, they won't have parents/step parents around anymore and a good relationship with their step sibling would be nice.

You have a dad who actually wants to parent not only his children from a previous relationship but also his child from his current relationship.

Most people are screaming out for this.

Why would you put a stop to it. His older D.C. can say if they don't want their younger sibling along surely?

And yes, 2 is unreasonable. I. Sure you'll want a relationship with D.C. away from dh just as he does too.

Re 2. I really don't like the idea of DC being in "their world" it feels odd them all getting together without me in an area that DC has absolutely no connection or need to be in.

They have a connection, siblings? What about if when older they become friends and want to spend time together under their own arrangements?

I think I can understand why you have some mixed feelings about this, but my advice is to let them develop a relationship.
They do not carry the emotional weight of previous relationships; to the kids they are all part of the same family and it is so healthy to let them nurture this as they want to

My DH and his sister have a half brother 10 years their junior but they love him as a full brother, as he does them. They are all close and very good friends and the whole family would be so, so much poorer without that deep bond.

I think if dsc are at yours eow & during holidays your own dc are getting plenty of time with their siblings & I would say no to being included in away contact unless it's ever a one of thing like Harry Potter World (as a pp said). My dc have two younger siblings on their dads side and while they love being included in family time they really appreciate any alone time they got with their dad.
My boys are 25 & 20 now and both say their relationship with their dad got stronger when they moved away to college and exh would visit them alone for coffee/lunch/a beer.
Blending is all about balance & your dc absolutely needs sibling & family time as do your sdc. However it sounds like you have that all fairly well balanced as it is so I would be wary of making it too much of one or the other.

Does your shared child want to go?

My daughter has no relationship with her older step sisters which is incredibly sad for all of them because of a similar reason, they are siblings, they should have a relationship.

Shared child is only 2 and a bit and hasn't expressed an opinion yet.

I think your feelings are understandable, but acting on them would be wrong in this instance. The "connection" is the sibling relationship and the fact that they share a father - your description of "their world" is very telling. It's almost as though you fear your own children being contaminated by being too close to the fact that your DH had children with someone else. It's irrational and shouldn't be allowed to hinder the relationships between the children. Actually, spending a bit of time in "their world" would be good for your children's bond with their siblings, which will hopefully be part of their lives long after you are gone.

Although I have misread done of the post, they already have a relationship so high apologies, however it’s still a nice thing to do, if they want to, as they get older they’ll naturally have less contact so building it when younger is key, I have no contact with my siblings, adopted, so different we met as adults but have no bond.

Thank you everyone. I am not sure why I feel like I do other than it just feels odd for DC to be going to their area, but logically I can see the reasoning. I think it might also be partly as mum has made clear she doesn't welcome me being there at pick up so I don't ever go along so I struggle with what if she has the same reaction to DC. I definitely think 2. Is a me problem, I'm just struggling to work out how to resolve it in my mind.

Am I right thinking he would be taking your two year old away every other weekend? If so then of course YANBU! Over my dead body would I lose half my weekend time with my toddler when not even separated from their other parent! If you mean for a couple of hours in the afternoon then why not just let him take your DC sometimes, but it doesn’t have to be set in stone that you have the same arrangements each time.

some and huge (predicative text 🤨)

I also think if you’re being actively excluded then that extends to your two year old too. I wouldn’t allow my small child to be taken off somewhere where I am shown that I’m not welcome. Honestly, I can sympathise with you. Of course you should nurture the sibling relationship but you have every weekend in your own home to do that. Surely it’s a great balance, then having every other weekend where your DH has his time only with his own kids. I wouldn’t want my child being taken away from me every two weeks as part of facilitating some shared custody arrangement that I’m not even part of because I’m still happily married to their dad! It’s quite weird and I’m surprised so many people think you should be fine with it!

Thank you for this, it's an incredibly nuanced feeling, just one of unease. I think the "contamination" is possibly the closest word I have to describing it. A weird need to keep DC seperated from their life with their mum and the contact time has always been seen as sacred somehow. I may suggest that DC goes along to one contact but that it be some way from their mums house (they often go to a local shopping centre for example). Just while I get my head around it.

Ah no sorry I wasn't clear, the EOW and holiday contact are with us in our shared home. This is just the one contact for like an afternoon/evening that DH has on the weekend they aren't staying with us.

the relationship I have with my step sisters is incredible. Always supportive and loving - they’ve known me since I was 3.

our worlds were very different and I was the contaminatee of the family by bringing my working class germs into a middle class family.

we’ve gone through heartache together and they are my absolute rock.

please let them bond x

Maybe let him go now and then so it's the norm and could be fun and nice for him.

It's a shame you can't go sometimes too, it's so rubbish when people can't put aside issues for 5 minutes to give the kids a harmonious extended family. Is it likely their mum will move on from this?

I wouldnt agree to every other weekend but once per month - why not.

Got to feel sorry for the DF of all the children - damned if he does include all his DCS and damned if does not.

OP- you make out the other side of their life is bad and not acceptable for their sibling - get the feeling you are in for a rocky ride as a step mother. You are being completely unrealistic if you want your DC to not be affected by his previous relationships and you are being incredibly unfair to your DP.

We all get together with people with a past relationship life, if they have children from that - then your expectations of your DP are unrealistic, your child has siblings whether you like the circumstances of their existence or not.

I think your DC going sometimes if there is something happening he might enjoy is fair enough but he has time to form a relationship with his half siblings when they are at your house so it is not really necessary for that reasonand as you say in 1 it is good for the older kids to get some dad time just for them. Also, unless you want it I am not sure why you should be left without your DC, you are not a separated parent who has to deal with your child spending time in another home. Let your DH play happy families when his kids are at yours.

I agree with @TiddleyWink - If you’re being actively excluded and aren’t allowed there then I wouldn’t let your DC go either. That situation can always change when your DC is older. They’ve got plenty of time to build a relation during their time at yours.

How old are the DC? Two is quite young, how will DH keep them all happy away from the home?

I mean I could go of DH drops me off at the shopping centre with DC while he does and gets DSC.

It's all a bit weird that side of things, she's allowed to drop her kids off at my house yet I'm not allowed to go near her house. Very very odd but as I don't really have need to go to her house I guess it makes sense.