I don't want DC included in contact

[SmileyPiuPiu]

I have DSC who are here EOWeekend and in the holidays. DH goes to see them on the week that DSC aren't either us. We have shared DC. DSC live a fair distance away. Now DC has got a bit older DH has suggested he takes them along on his contact with the DSC. I am against this for two reasons:

1. The DSC are older and it does them good to have time with their dad by themselves, they are individuals.
2. I really don't like the idea of DC being in "their world" it feels odd them all getting together without me in an area that DC has absolutely no connection or need to be in.

I think 1. is valid but am struggling with 2. I think is unreasonable but I'm struggling to terms with it. I guess I want DC as unaffected as possible by his previous relationships.

Please be kind, I've admitted I'm struggling here and I know it's perhaps not logical so please please don't bash me when I'm down.

I'm really not. And yes I like my DSC

So every second weekend, your child would be away for the day, and then DH's kids are with you the other weekend? Does this mean you would or will never get the chance to do things together yourself, or go for a day out with your child on the weekend yourself? I think it's nice he wants to include your child together, but I also think it would be nice for his other kids to get that 1-1 time with him without their much younger half sibling there- utter dynamics change with a toddler. Why not look at taking him every few weeks if it's an activity/ thing to do that they would all enjoy.

If positions were reversed and you had two children from your first marriage 50 % of the time. Wouldn't you like time alone with them but also time with them and their half sibling. Would you want your youngest excluded from that and left at home? So the four of you making little memories together and you watching them bond. Would you think your present husband should stop you taking your toddler out with your older children?

@MarshaMelrose read they op. They have loads of time together eow & during the holidays when they are all at op & dp's house. All The dc have a relationship which is being nurtured when they are at op's.
Carting the 2 year old off to see his siblings eoweek is unnecessary & pointless & furthermore op is not comfortable with it which is her prerogative as a mother.

I read the op, thanks. I've already said that doing it from time to time is enough. There's a difference between them all being together and just the biological parent being with them all. If a father/stepfather complained because the mother was having time alone with her three biological children, MN would be outraged. I think he should spend time alone with all the children without the op. He's the father and he's as entitled to alone time as the mother is
She asked for opinions, I've given her mine and I haven't been rude.

@MarshaMelrose it doesn't HAVE to be there, in the place that makes OP uncomfortable, though. He could respect her feelings and take all his kids out closer to home.

It's like certain people want to make a point out of OPs feelings being invalid and deliberately go against them, because at present there's no real reason why everyone couldn't be accommodated.

Just to say I totally agree with you but I don’t think it’s every other week, I think it’s once a month.

I get where you are coming from. I have 4 children from two marriages. My first marriage didn't end well but as the two children from my second marriage got older they got to know my first husband and his family, even calling his brother uncle at his invitation.

It felt strange, it wasn't something I wanted but I think from the children's point of view the older two obviously spent time with step father and his family so to the kids the younger two spending time with their half siblings family also felt OK.

Now they are grown up I think it was probably healthy, the four of them don't think of themselves as half siblings, they are just siblings and the wider family includes lots of people and some they see alot and some they see rarely but they are all part of the mix.

If I were you I would maybe do it occasionally, if the visit was something appropriate and the timing suited you e.g. they go off for an afternoon at a park and then somewhere to eat while you are catching up with a friend/having your hair done/slobbing out with a book (well the last one would be a treat for me when mine were little) and over time your little one will be able to express a view on it and you take that into account as well.

It is lovely that your husband wants to do stuff with all his children and I'm sure you can work this out together.

I don't see why this is being seen as an all or nothing situation.

Surely sometimes all of you can go, sometimes your husband can take the little one and sometimes he can go on his own. It seems a bit odd that your husband would expect to take the child every single time without you. I also think it's odd that he would allow his ex to dictate that you don't go with him. It's not up to her.

I think bonding time between siblings should be encouraged if anything.

They'd go out at the weekends though.

I'm not invalidating anything or anyone. I haven't been rude. The op sounds like a very caring mother and step-mother but she9 asked for opinions. I'm not going against her. I just disagree with her insofar that I think it's good for all the children to spend time together with their shared parent. If I had a daughter from my first marriage and a daughter from my second, I can see that I'd want to spend time alone with them both, just the three of us. Further, I'd think my second husband would be unreasonable if he wouldn't let our child go out with me and his step-daughter. And I'm pretty sure MN would be raging about him with the words controlling and red flags thrown about.

As for where he takes them, it doesn't make sense to travel over to see his children and then bring them all back to the town they live now and then drive them all back. I think its weird that a whole town is put on a banned list just because his ex lives there. The only reason that I could see that being a problem is if the op feared his ex would stalk them. Which is obviously not the case. Mind you, I also think it's weird that his ex won't let the op sit in the car outside her house!

So you never took your children out without your husband? My husband used to take ours out every Saturday morning so I got a lie in. He took them shopping, to a friends and to get their weekly books from the library. He loved spending time alone with them and deepening their relationship. I wouldn't have wanted to interfere in that. I used to take them out places without my husband. Shopping, cinema, lunch out. We obviously spent time together as a family but we often used to do separate things.

Of course the op is part of the unit. And a very loving part of the unit she sounds, but the unit doesn't have to do everything together all the time. Would it be awful if the op took her child out without the father? Of course not. This is no different to that, only when the op's husband is with his child, sometimes they'll be with her child's half siblings as well.

As I've said if I had 2 half daughters, I'd want them to spend time together with me alone so they could have shared memories and I could spend time with my biological children. Not to exclude my husband but just because he doesn't need to be there all the time.

@MarshaMelrose But just say one Saturday you don't want a lie in. You want to go with your husband and children. But you're told no, you can't go. You're not welcome there because there is someone there who doesn't like you, and you will never be allowed to go there with them. Would you still be happy with your children being taken somewhere where their mother is permanently excluded from?

Then if you're happy with them all going out without you at the weekend, is it that big a stretch if they go out during the week? As I've said, not all the time but just from time to time? I understand you have a concern about an area he's not connected to. But he is connected as it's where his big brothers/sisters live. That'd make it more exciting, I'd think. Ultimately it's just an anonymous town where they can just hang out together.

I'd hate for you to think I was criticising you or being rude because I'm really not. You sound like a lovely mother and step-mother who is creating an extended family where everyone feels loved. It must be very hard sometimes.

They are siblings.
They share each other's world.

As for where he takes them, it doesn't make sense to travel over to see his children and then bring them all back to the town they live now and then drive them all back. I think its weird that a whole town is put on a banned list just because his ex lives there. The only reason that I could see that being a problem is if the op feared his ex would stalk them. Which is obviously not the case. Mind you, I also think it's weird that his ex won't let the op sit in the car outside her house!

You say you aren't invalidating OP but in this paragraph that's exactly what you're doing. You can't see any good enough reason for her to object to these trips with dad and the half siblings taking place in their/his old shared hometown other than the ex stalking them, so you're ignoring that part.

But the reality is OP DOES feel uncomfortable with this for reasons you perhaps cannot empathise with.

This is a bit naive. My DD and DSS have very different worlds.

My DC won't ever go into their mum's house, or meet any other relatives etc.

I think its weird that a whole town is put on a banned list just because his ex lives there. The only reason that I could see that being a problem is if the op feared his ex would stalk them. Which is obviously not the case. Mind you, I also think it's weird that his ex won't let the op sit in the car outside her house how is that not invalidating both mine and her feelings? She doesn't want me in the car to pick them up and I respect that so I don't. I have no need to go to her house anyway. The town isn't on a banned list. It is just that there is no connection there for my DC, it seems odd. I am uncomfortable with the idea. That's enough.

Ah thank you I missed this post. But yes I totally agree with what you are saying.

Firstly, I don't think she is excluded. She says the ex doesnt like her being there at changeover. (Which in my opinion, at this stage of their blended family's relationship is beyond ridiculous and quite insulting actually.) But she says she can still meet up with them. She's not really excluded from anything. She's also uncomfortable with her DC being caught up in a custody arrangement. But they are already caught up in it because they don't live with their siblings and sees them going back and forth with their dad.

Secondly, you're right, my husband would never have forbidden me from going with them. But leaving aside I didn't really want to go with them (😁), he really liked the alone time with them. I wouldn't have wanted to do anything to disrupt that. And of course as much as I reminisce that it was every week - it bloody wasn't! Gah! Because the kids had other plans and things to do too. Just like the ops DSC will too. But it was important time for him.