I don't want DC included in contact

[SmileyPiuPiu]

I have DSC who are here EOWeekend and in the holidays. DH goes to see them on the week that DSC aren't either us. We have shared DC. DSC live a fair distance away. Now DC has got a bit older DH has suggested he takes them along on his contact with the DSC. I am against this for two reasons:

1. The DSC are older and it does them good to have time with their dad by themselves, they are individuals.
2. I really don't like the idea of DC being in "their world" it feels odd them all getting together without me in an area that DC has absolutely no connection or need to be in.

I think 1. is valid but am struggling with 2. I think is unreasonable but I'm struggling to terms with it. I guess I want DC as unaffected as possible by his previous relationships.

Please be kind, I've admitted I'm struggling here and I know it's perhaps not logical so please please don't bash me when I'm down.

I'm not invalidating her feelings. People feel what they feel. But I definitely believe what she's doing is wrong, unfair on her own children and actually ridiculous when you could just get in the car one minute down the road. Maybe the arrangement worked originally but it isn't working now if you're saying it's stopping you from accompanying your child on trips out. Everything evolves and as adults it's incumbent on us to facilitate what's best for our children regardless of how that makes us feel uncomfortable.
As for the town, your child does have a connection with the area because that's where their siblings live. It's irrelevant that the ex lives there.

As for the town, your child does have a connection with the area because that's where their siblings live. It's irrelevant that the ex lives there. its not irrelevant.. it will be oh mum take us here, this is mum's favourite shop, oh hello friend of mums. Etc I don't think that is right for DC. My child is in a family with DSC but their mum is NOTHING to do with DC and I think it would get confusing and almost "blend" it the other way.

I can't work out if this is what's being suggested but it wouldn't be good for the younger DC to have to have it explained to them that their mum must wait down the road whilst DSC are picked up because DSCs mum won't allow her at the house. This isn't something I would allow my DC to be exposed to.

Yes I agree. I think DH is at risk of seeing it all as one family rather than appreciating while we are one family there are also the seperate units involved and these need to be explained to DC. Otherwise they'll continue to get upset when they can't go to DSC's home or their birthday party their mum arranged etc.

Oh god no I would be far more irrate at that suggestion. I wouldnt go with them due to work. There is absolutely no way I would allow my child to witness me getting out the car while everyone else carried on. The only way I can see this being an issue is if we went on holiday and picked them up on the way but there are ways around it if mum still feels that uncomfortable. I think it might be a power thing but who am I to dismiss her feelings.

I haven't invalidated any of her feelings. I haven't said I "can't see any good enough reason for her to object to these trips with dad." She explained why she objects to the trips - because she doesn't feel her child has a connection to the place. I just pointed out that the connection is their siblings. That's not invalidating any of her feelings.
Someone said (sorry, I'm not sure whether it was the op or not) that it would be fine for the father to take the child on these trips as long as he picked up the stepchildren from their home town, drove them back to his home town so the ops child was in a familiar place to the op, and then drove them all back a couple of hours later. So, yes, I can't see any good reason to do this. If that's invalidating someone, then I'm happy to own that because I think dragging the kids around is really unfair. I was just joking about stalking because it was clear from the op that the ex is not psychotic.

If your husband doesn't do alone time with your children, I can see why it might seem strange that the op's husband would like to. It was very normal for me as a child to spend time with both my mum and dad separately so I guess some things you just take forward with your own children and think everyone does it.

I have been quite clear throughout that I think from time to time is best. I'm not sure the older children would want to spend every weekend with their little sibling anyway. Only because it can stop them doing older activities. I think it would probably evolve organically. The op has said that the father, stepchildren and toddler would go out alone together during the custody weekend without the op. So I don't think she has an objection in principle. Apologies if I misunderstood that.

@MarshaMelrose She hasn't only said she doesn't want it to happen because her child has no connection to the place, though, she's said she feels uncomfortable with them being taken there. This is the part you're dismissing.

it will be oh mum take us here, this is mum's favourite shop, oh hello friend of mums. Etc I don't think that is right for DC. My child is in a family with DSC but their mum is NOTHING to do with DC and I think it would get confusing and almost "blend" it the other way.

I did write a response to this but I've deleted it. I don't want you to think I ignored it. Even though I didn't write anything contentious, I think maybe this topic of your child and their mother is quite a sensitive issue for you and I dont want say something to inadvertently offend you. I can't know the history between you so better to say nothing.

Is this for me? I'm not suggesting it should happen at all. Just that the ex has no control over it not happening and in some reality it could happen.
But it's pretty similar to the mum dropping the kids off down the road from their father's house and him having to walk down to meet them.

I agree this is irrelevant although part of me wonders if I can ban her from dropping the kids off at our house and insist DH picks them up from down the road.

I'm sure this was just a throwaway comment.

I find your stance on the 'area' baffling. Who cares if the mum goes into a particular shop etc. Neither of you have any ownership over the area in which you live that means your can exclude the other.

I think you are also bring naive in thinking that your can keep your child and your step children's lives seperate.

You say they will never go to their school plays - but if they want to see their big brother etc perform then of course they may well go. It would be incredibly selfish to say that couldn't just because it's in their hometown...

There may be invitations to their birthday parties. You could say no, that it's inappropriate etc, but this would be based on your discomfort and not theirs. How are you going to explain that they can't go to their siblings birthday, but can go to their school friends one?

Then there are future family events - potentially not until your little one is an adult, but if you're step children get married, your child would go and meet all of thst side of the family. What if your husband was taken seriously ill - you and step mum would be up at the hospital together (she'd be supporting the step children).

I'm not saying you have to be pally, but long term there is going to be done blending of your worlds, because that's what's best for all the children involved.

She said she felt uncomfortable about them going there because the child had no connection to the place.

It is just that there is no connection there for my DC, it seems odd. I am uncomfortable with the idea.

I never commented that she was wrong to feel uncomfortable. My point is, regardless of how she feels, her child does have a connection. Their siblings.

@MarshaMelrose That's just one comment. If you read her others it's clear that she's uncomfortable with the idea of her DC developing a relationship with the place and being told anecdotally about things her dad used to do their with their mum etc. She's obviously not purely bothered that they don't already have a connection to the place.

Thank you, utmost respect to you for holding back. I do understand many will think my feelings OTT.

Nope they won't be allowed to go. My DH struggles to get tickets as the school automatically gives them all to her despite him repeatedly contacting the school then at best he gets one ticket.

There's no way mum is going to invite my DC to any birthday parties.

If my DH is ill she'd probably come to the hospital to pick them up and then go.

If the stepchildren get married there is a high chance she would insist we aren't invited, seeing as I'm not even allowed up her driveway...

Yes its not purely that my child has never been there etc.

To clarify my suggestion of the other place that is where I'm going to suggest DH takes them. It is a local place to the DSC's mum but people travel further to get there iyswim, think bigger town/shopping centre type thing compared to market town time thing. It's what I feel more comfortable with so I'm going to suggest DH gives it a go there once if the DSC want to.

I wouldn't want to leave my child every other weekend so ynbu

It’s not every other weekend.

OP, I hope this thread was helpful to you. Your post was quite unclear, you’ve clarified ages and timing and so on but people kept commenting after reading just your original post not the whole thread so you’ve got so many comments about being wrong.
I think you would get much more understanding with your DH if you focus on practicalities as @User39498 summarised in her post. Your feelings about the town and you not been allowed on the drive etc are valid concerns but once you’ve let them out your DH would focus on them whereas the reality is much simpler and it’s about 2 years old making a long journey and being tired and probably bored and DSCs wouldn’t get valuable 121 time with their father.

Thank you. Yes it has even very helpful thanks to everyone who has helped and sorry my OP wasn't as clear as it should have been really!

OP, why does the thought of your DC seeing where their siblings live, or where their mum takes them cause you so much distress? How would it negatively effect your DC and you? I would be looking deeper in to this as I don't believe it is healthy.

I can see your discomfort, @SmileyPiuPiu . You'd like to organise things so it doesn't appear that DH has two wives concurrently, with the kids in and out of both homes? Because if that were the case, you'd be the 2nd class wifelet, not the Wife as in the time-honoured to love and to cherish manner. And that would be reflected in how society treated both you and your children.

Hmmm.