I don't want DC included in contact

[SmileyPiuPiu]

I have DSC who are here EOWeekend and in the holidays. DH goes to see them on the week that DSC aren't either us. We have shared DC. DSC live a fair distance away. Now DC has got a bit older DH has suggested he takes them along on his contact with the DSC. I am against this for two reasons:

1. The DSC are older and it does them good to have time with their dad by themselves, they are individuals.
2. I really don't like the idea of DC being in "their world" it feels odd them all getting together without me in an area that DC has absolutely no connection or need to be in.

I think 1. is valid but am struggling with 2. I think is unreasonable but I'm struggling to terms with it. I guess I want DC as unaffected as possible by his previous relationships.

Please be kind, I've admitted I'm struggling here and I know it's perhaps not logical so please please don't bash me when I'm down.

I do, they come here every other weekend and the holidays we get on well. I suppose you are right though that naturally they go back to mums and then I don't think any more of them until next time i see them.

Thank you for this, it's an incredibly nuanced feeling, just one of unease. I think the "contamination" is possibly the closest word I have to describing it. A weird need to keep DC seperated from their life with their mum and the contact time has always been seen as sacred somehow. quote me in context please. This place is harsh. I've said I'm struggling with my feelings. I'm not looking for people to automatically agree with me, just looking to see if there are others who understand me and can help me deal with my feelings.

I cannot distinguish between these two situations with anything except that you are feeling jealous that your spouse has a past - and that past means that he also has children with another person that’s not you - and that the shared experience of being parents is one he has not just with you but with another person too.

Jealousy is a word that is flung out often (I've seen it on several step parenting threads today) but it's not the right word. It is uncomfortable, yes, but also there are potential consequences for the step parents DC emotionally that their parent might prefer to avoid.

Yes thank you. It's not jealousy. In the same way I imagine when we had DC DH's ex might have felt a bit odd. That doesn't mean she wanted to have another child with DH.

So they see their half siblings 2 weekends a month/ not a lot is it? Your child probably really likes seeing them and that should be the focus. I’m confused by the second contact as at one point you said it’s a few hours on the weekend you don’t have them. And then also said it’s after school and you don’t want to take time off work (fair enough but I presume the alternative is your child is in childcare?).

Yes sorry I wasn't clear

DH goes to see them on the week that DSC aren't either us meant to say on the week we don't have the DSC at the weekend - that week, DH goes to see them. He sees them for a few hours but due to travel time I would have to take time off work. DC is in childcare for that time until I pick them up after I finish work before DH gets home.

I suspect there's more to this you state in their area and they are some distance. Let me guess your dh moved away from his previous dc and started a family which is why is ex isn't best thrilled with the idea of you. Its very odd you don't want your child to have a relationship with his siblings and completely unreasonable.

I think the situation between you and their mum is clouding your thoughts on this. 2 year olds usually love spending time with older children, this will only be 2 afternoons a month. I’m presuming the older children are picked up and then they go elsewhere for contact? Don’t think of it as your child getting caught up in his previous relationships, it’s about them building a relationship with their half siblings. 2 weekends and 2 visits a month isn’t a lot for that, there’s a large amount of time it’s just the 3 of you. I’d personally try it and see how it goes.

Nope she moved initially, he followed to try and make it work. And don't be ridiculous of course I want them to have a relationship with them. They see them here.

FGS she hasn't said she doesn't want them to have a relationship, just that she doesn't like the idea of it happening there. They still each other for a very normal amount of contact. People need to stop making things up, it doesn't help your argument at all.

ex isn't best thrilled with the idea of you weird. She's indifferent to me I think she just doesn't want me there at pick up, presumably she feels odd about me coming to her house. I don't think she minds me existing.

@BungleandGeorge thank you, yes I am going to suggest they try it if the DSC want to but I don't want it to be a regular thing. And if they could go somewhere different to their usual place (hard to explain without sharing more than I am comfortable but there are two places they can go, one of which I am more comfortable with).

I absolutely wouldn't want my child going every other weekend. Why should you miss every other weekend going forward? Contact is for the dad and the children, not siblings. Just tell him that you would feel more comfortable if you all went as a family or just him alone 🤷🏻‍♀️

@SmileyPiuPiu i think it is normal for you to be unsure about your 2 year old dc to go to the drop off / contact where you are not welcome...

I also can’t see this benefitting anyone.

The children already have time to bond and if more is needed, you could arrange a special activity during the weekend your DH has contact with DSC to all do as a family.

2 year olds completely take over conversations, activities, attention, etc and the DSC probably like having some time with their dad without that

At 2 years old, picking them up from nursery after school and taking them out for a few hours doesn’t sound great for the child, given that a lot of children are often exhausted after nursery and depending on their bedtime, messes with their routine which isn’t great at that age and they are more likely to be quite challenging.

And you aren’t keen...

I may have misunderstood contact arrangements / nursery etc

But your feelings sound pretty normal to me, focus on building your DC and DSC relationship in a non-stress environment, really no need to make life more complicated / stressful.

I can definitely see it from your point of view OP and I don’t think you’re being nasty at all, I’d probably feel similar even if it’s not necessarily rational. It just wouldn’t sit right with me. However on the other side of things, it is nice that he wants to take your toddler to spend time with their siblings in a different environment, so it’s done with good intentions.

Also just want to reiterate as some people are thinking it would be an every other week arrangement, but that’s not the case is it? Maybe I read it wrong but it would be once a month?

So your DSC stay EOW and half holidays but your DP drives over once every two weeks during the week to see them? And he wants your 2yo DC to do that journey with him?

Sorry if I missed it but how long is the drive and what does DH do with his children on those visits? Presumably he doesn’t stay overnight? What time does he get home?

To me, it just doesn't seem necessary for a 2yo to do this. And much, much better for your DH and DSC to spend that time together. it’s great that siblings get on so we’ll but when there is a big age gap, there’s even more reason to make time alone for DSC and their Dad. So, unless I’ve misunderstood the set-up then I totally get your stance here.

@itsgettingweird that’s a pretty low bar to measure this against, OP should just agree to it because her partner is actually parenting his own children? Wow!

@User39498 Yes I think you've understood it. Sorry I'm not sure I was terribly clear in my OP.

So your DSC stay EOW and half holidays but your DP drives over once every two weeks during the week to see them? that's right yes :) I mean it's only about 3 hours of actually seeing them time. Probably about the same of driving time. I think it's great he does it tbh.

I agree it’s great he does it. No need for a 2yo to have routine disrupted with a 3-hour round trip when they see their siblings regularly anyway. DH is being OTT here. Surely they can FaceTime your little one instead?

I was thinking of other times - not sure how old they are - when their dad is not with them. Agree it wouldn’t be good when it’s the three of them.

WTAF you are denying your child a relationship with their sibling and making memories with his sibling and father.

Do you like your step child