I don't want DC included in contact

[SmileyPiuPiu]

I have DSC who are here EOWeekend and in the holidays. DH goes to see them on the week that DSC aren't either us. We have shared DC. DSC live a fair distance away. Now DC has got a bit older DH has suggested he takes them along on his contact with the DSC. I am against this for two reasons:

1. The DSC are older and it does them good to have time with their dad by themselves, they are individuals.
2. I really don't like the idea of DC being in "their world" it feels odd them all getting together without me in an area that DC has absolutely no connection or need to be in.

I think 1. is valid but am struggling with 2. I think is unreasonable but I'm struggling to terms with it. I guess I want DC as unaffected as possible by his previous relationships.

Please be kind, I've admitted I'm struggling here and I know it's perhaps not logical so please please don't bash me when I'm down.

What are you on about?!!

I think there is a new contender for the most bonkers post on this thread. However I think the one about how the op is evil for having a job is probably still the winner.

I feel like wifelet sounds like a word for a very petite married woman rather than a 2nd class wife.

It sounds like bizarre prim and proper sanitary towels to me

@SmileyPiuPiu

There is a weird thing both on MN and in society about how we manage the implications of consecutive marriages. Despite the legal push for clean breaks, it seems to suit a lot of people to act almost as if the first marriage was never dissolved, and a second wife acquired as an extra to fill the holes not covered by marriage no. 1. I'm getting vibes of it with this situation, sorry if I'm not making sense - theory still under mental construction!

Wifelet was the term used by the Earl of Bath? - he lived in a stately home with about half a dozen 'wifelets' simultaneously.

No still don't get it sorry. They are definitely divorced.

I get what you're saying (I think) @SpaceshiptoMars
When I was with exdp I honestly felt that despite him being divorced & being very much with me, his entire family & social group kept behaving like he was still married to his ex.
In my own situation I would often get asked about exh but not about exdp (when I was with him).
The pervading sense I got is that people didn't really take us as a couple or as a unit seriously; they still tied us to our exes.
Even though divorce & subsequent marriages are becoming more & more common Society in general doesn't seem to be able to park the notion that the first family is the 'real' & only 'proper' family & subsequent wives (in particular) are still expected to base their life decisions around what best facilitates the members of their oh's 'first families' no matter the cost to themselves and their dc.

@Magda72 Yes that's pretty much it. I also experience that, even though there is no ex, because DH is widowed. The expectation was there, for example, that I celebrated a major birthday (of mine) at the late wife's favourite place. Some considerable pressure was applied by the eldest DSC!

Oh I get you. Yes. Definitely this from the inlaws. It's awful. They ALWAYS ask how she is..how would either of us know?!!

I once has a random relative insist they'd met me (they hadn't they'd met her) and when I said oh no I'm the second wife but never mind nice to meet you they scuttled off as if I had the plauge.

Oh I get you. Yes. Definitely this from the inlaws. It's awful. They ALWAYS ask how she is..how would either of us know?!!
Yep. I hear you.
I mean I bare my exh absolutely no ill will & have a decent co parenting relationship with him and while he is in my dc's life he is very much in MY past & people wanting me to talk about him &/or thinking that if I don't want to talk about him it means I'm not over him just really riles me up.

I get it tbh, i dont want my small children going to pick up or meeting SDs mum. Its awkward and uncomfortable and not needed. If you see SKs regularly anyway then its definitely not needed to take your 2yr old away without you also being there x

Hi OP,
I wonder if your discomfort comes down to the fact you’ve been told you’re unwelcome… more than that your husband wants to take your dc to see their siblings.

If you don’t want your DC to go because you have plans or want to spend time together then I think that’s fine. If it is those difficult feelings getting in the way then I’d try and explore the “why” behind them. Could an odd child free weekend here and there be enjoyable?

You are not a monster whatsoever. If the ex is hostile towards you, it's totally undersandable that you're not comfortable that your young child (or even older) is in her presence if that's what is going to happen. I would feel the same. In our case, the ex was(is) clingy to DP and when I visited with my DP and my toddler, she would sometimes cover my son's face in kisses (and it's not like she's close to him, she rarely saw him) or SS would make my toddler kiss her or whoever they wanted him to like (like another SS's girlfriend for example), they would make him say things, take pictures for social media. Maybe some people find it cute, but not me and WE ALL HAVE THE RIGHT TO OUR FEELINGS, they come from somewhere.

If DP would bring my child and the older kids to some park, then I wouldn't have an issue.

About bonding, EOW and holidays is fine. My 15 year old SD comes EOW and not a day more. She always makes a big deal about my 4 year old, covers him with kisses, takes pictures of him, asks her dad to send his pics to her. My son loves her and she loves him, but she's absolutely not interested in visiting us more. And my son is also fine with seeing her EOW. I guess they would be happy to see each other more, but it wouldn't change anything in their relationship. When there's connection, it's there even when people don't see each other very often. If there's no connection, a short visit during the week probably won't change anything. SD is close to age with my older son, they used to be close as kids (she used to come more often then), they always played to gether, hold hands, etc. They barely talk now since the little one was born or maybe it coincided with teenagehood. Who knows, but you can never predict connection and how long it will last.

I understand your feeling of unease OP.
Although it may not be the intent, by going back to the “world” of the DSC/ex-wife, where you have been made unwelcome, and taking your DC, it’s almost like the previous family has been re-created except adding your DC and erasing you. Your husband, the DSC, and your DC will be building and sharing old and new memories, places, favourite things with the ex-wife in a land where you are barred from participating. It would make me feel weird as well. It continues the previous nuclear family that extends in time, where you are not welcome, but your DC is part of.

It would be different if you were made welcome also. Then everyone could build
the new memories and reminisce on familiar terms, in the present.

Exactly this!