I don't want DC included in contact

[SmileyPiuPiu]

I have DSC who are here EOWeekend and in the holidays. DH goes to see them on the week that DSC aren't either us. We have shared DC. DSC live a fair distance away. Now DC has got a bit older DH has suggested he takes them along on his contact with the DSC. I am against this for two reasons:

1. The DSC are older and it does them good to have time with their dad by themselves, they are individuals.
2. I really don't like the idea of DC being in "their world" it feels odd them all getting together without me in an area that DC has absolutely no connection or need to be in.

I think 1. is valid but am struggling with 2. I think is unreasonable but I'm struggling to terms with it. I guess I want DC as unaffected as possible by his previous relationships.

Please be kind, I've admitted I'm struggling here and I know it's perhaps not logical so please please don't bash me when I'm down.

OP- you make out the other side of their life is bad and not acceptable for their sibling its absolutely not "bad". She lives a very nice life.

I wouldn’t want my child being taken away from me every two weeks as part of facilitating some shared custody arrangement that I’m not even part of because I’m still happily married to their dad! yes that's it I think. Why should my DC get involved with the custody arrangement.

Anyway, I do want them all to get on, maybe it will help the DSC feel a bit less "them and us" as they get into their teenage years. I'll think of a kind of halfway option.

I think it's entirely reasonable for you to say you don't want your DC going for contact with your DSCs mother and your DH should respect that. Lord knows you will already have made many concessions for him.

The contact you have with DSC in your shared home is plenty for the half siblings and as you say, the 1:1 time for the DSC is a positive thing.

I think this is a very unnecessary suggestion that makes you uncomfortable for no good reason.

I agree with you that it's more sensible for your DH to be having 1-2-1 time with his older DCs.

However I think you should let him do it for a few reasons:

1. He is thinking of all his DCs as one family which is nice, there are too many Dads described on this forum who are Disney dadding the older children and forgetting the younger ones


2. He is volunteering to parent all the children by himself


3. Following on from 2. There aren't many activities that are going to appeal to a 2 yr-old and the older DSC. Plus he will be looking after them all by himself. He'll probably rapidly find out it isn't that much fun. It's far better he finds this out for himself than by you pointing it out and looking like 'I told you so'


4. You will get a nice break while he is off with the kids

@AnnaMagnani Point 4 is VERY appealing!

Re. 3..yes I do wonder if he's thought this through!

So the DSC mum isn't actually there for the contact? He just collects the kids from her house?

Has he asked your DSC how they feel. If they feel it’s their time to get one on one time with their Dad, they may not want it either.

Yes. That's right.

VERY good point. I shall make sure he does this.

My very gentle input is that it's the children who are important. Your feelings are understandable, but if you can put them to one side the children will be happier.
I think you seem lovely, and quite rightly feel that you're being a bit sensitive about your child going off into the ' lions den'.
Enjoy your free time.

@beccahamlet Thank you. I agree, the relationship between the kids is important to me and if I think this could benefit DC then I should at least give it a go.

I think the fact these kids deserve some alone time with their dad trumps anything else.

I don't want to make assumptions for them, but if you think of it this way, your child gets to spend 100% of their time with their father. The step kids do not. Having a set day, even if it's just an afternoon or evening, where the step kids are his main focus/priority is great for them all. If your husband then starts taking his youngest child along, I'd be very wary of his kids taking this the wrong way. They might not, but I'm sure the time spent with their dad alone means a lot to them. Plus if there's an age difference, there's not much point really bringing a 2 year old along for the sake of it. The EOW and holiday contact is enough for the siblings to form a bond.

Even in non blended families, I think 1-1 time with kids separately is healthy for everyone.

The 'connection' is there for your shared DC, regardless of age. The connection is their siblings.

Maybe a compromise would work better. Little one goes some of the times but not necessary every time. Consistent and regular contact between the siblings would be beneficial to their relationship I'd have thought, especially with a big age gap.

Two viewpoints from me. Firstly- it's up to the children. Secondly, whether you're there or not is NOT up to the SC's mum- it's none of her business!

Oh god, the last thread liek this didn't go well.

"really don't like the idea of DC being in "their world" it feels odd them all getting together without me in an area that DC has absolutely no connection or need to be in."

But they do have a connection. They are half siblings! Why don't you want them to see them?

My son-in- law is an only child in practice but he actually has 3 siblings, the children by his father's first wife. He doesn't know his brothers and sister because they were all kept apart.
It's all very sad. I think he'd like to meet them but is afraid of opening old wounds. But his siblings will have one another when his parents die. He'll have no other family member. He really should know his siblings.

@SmileyPiuPiu might seem childish but you’d feel better if you were getting the same privilege. And so maybe you drop husband and dc at hers. Although why your dc has to go to hers at this young age, I’m not sure: maybe just go along and collect SC. As she drops sc at yours. If they say no, you can say, hang on, you can say ‘it’s no different and of course I won’t come in”. Otherwise do the ‘go to shops and wait for them’ thing you suggested (which does seem fine) and you might find in time it bothers you less.

it’s an understandable feeling, but it’s part of beginning to let your kids go.

They do have a connection because they are half siblings.

you can’t and shouldn’t try to stop your DP doing this. I would suggest that it’s every other week, or lack of alone time with him might breed resentment for your SCs . I also suggest it’s a bit pointless for the toddler for now.

i’d also try and move to stop the you can’t be there at pick up nonsense with the ex. You have her kids at your home, so it is both rude and pointless. I wouldn’t put up with that.

If your child wants to then there's no issue. You come across as jealous.

I think it's a quite understandable feeling, but I'd focus on the first point that it's nice for the DSC to have time with just their dad sometimes.

Depending on how old the DSC are, having a 2 year old tag along every time might be a bit of a drag for them, I'm sure they don't necessarily want to do toddler friendly activities every time with their dad, and even if they're just getting something to eat at a shopping centre, having a 2 year old there tends to pull focus - having to go somewhere there's something the little one will eat, having to find changing facilties, keeping them amused, dealing with tantrums etc. I'd maybe let him go the odd time, but not every other week - it can always increase as he gets older.

Also it could be that your DS gets some time with your family during these times?

"that DC has absolutely no connection or need to be in"

Other than building a relationship with their siblings?

OP you had a child with a Man who already had children. Your child had siblings the moment they were born.

I think your reason 1 is a very valid point. I suspect the older kids enjoy this time with their dad without their two year old sibling.
He could take the two year old occasionally but personally I wouldn't make it a regular thing.
I understand why you feel 2 too but as you've acknowledged, it is a little unreasonable.
That said for me reason 1 is enough for it not to be a good idea anyway.

Why not keep the Dad and SDC time for the midweek contact but suggest an annual weekend camping trip for your DC with all his kids but without you. Camping is fun for preteens and for 2 year olds, it’ll be that sibling bonding time your DH is after, and you get a weekend all to yourself!

Maybe DC just goes along occasionally and other times he gets alone time with mummy

The only reason why I would say ‘hmm not sure’ is if the mum is starting to kick off because your ds is in the car when he comes to collect his dcs.

He really doesn’t need to be exposed to that if it can be avoided really