I don't want DC included in contact

[SmileyPiuPiu]

I have DSC who are here EOWeekend and in the holidays. DH goes to see them on the week that DSC aren't either us. We have shared DC. DSC live a fair distance away. Now DC has got a bit older DH has suggested he takes them along on his contact with the DSC. I am against this for two reasons:

1. The DSC are older and it does them good to have time with their dad by themselves, they are individuals.
2. I really don't like the idea of DC being in "their world" it feels odd them all getting together without me in an area that DC has absolutely no connection or need to be in.

I think 1. is valid but am struggling with 2. I think is unreasonable but I'm struggling to terms with it. I guess I want DC as unaffected as possible by his previous relationships.

Please be kind, I've admitted I'm struggling here and I know it's perhaps not logical so please please don't bash me when I'm down.

Aye there's that as well!

But if they are then really it's up to adults to actually be adults and out the children's needs ahead of their own.

I dont think that’s healthy at all.
Some needs sometimes are competing and there is nothing you can do about it. You have to make choices as there is no reason why children should always come first. Not the least because when adults NEEDS (needs, not wants) are not met, it will make it harder for them to actually care for those children.

Id treat any choice that need to be made between needs of a child and an adult the same I would between the needs of two adults. It works by compromise and taking everyone into account. Not dismissing ne group as ‘ not as worthy as’.

Also, I have learnt that self sacrifice and being a martyr for your dcs doesn’t always do them any good anyway. They need to learn that other people have needs too and that those needs to be respected too. A good lesson for them To learn for when they will be adult really.

They're two, they're not going to be asking for it yet are they.

But if they grow up with it being the norm, then there's no problem in the future and the siblings are just siblings. Not 'them' and 'us'. If the child is deliberately left at home at this stage then later on when potentially they are asking to go and see their big brothers/sisters at their home area - who they will know and love from the contact they have in their home - and are told they can't/aren't welcome/that's not what we do when we go to X, that's when you might see an issue and it'll be the OPs child who feels left out.

That might happen anyway. Already when the DSC leave to go back to mums DC gets upset they are leaving. DC won't be going on holiday with them and their mum, they won't be going to see them in their school plays with mum and dad, won't be going to their parties with their school friends if their mum is hosting it. Its just how life is.

I wouldn't want to spend time away from my 2 year old every other weekend.

I'd be happy for an occasional visit but not this much.

I think that it might be good for your child to occasionally enter 'their world' but I don't think it's helping you to compartmentalise your blended family.

Your partner's ex may well not be too happy about her son being in 'their world,' either.

Both your children need to feel that they belong in either world.

That being said , it is a difficult situation when families split and forge different lives.

So OP, you didn't answer my question, which was:

"Why can't you go too? You don't need to be 'othered'. If it's just that you don't want to well fine but then don't stop your child/ren from going"

Surely, if you feel uncomfy with your child going into old territory without you, then you could go too?

I'm not trying to be combative though i can see that you've taken my comments that way. I really don't understand what the big issue is. You can all go, fine, even if you have to wriggle around a collection issue. You don't want to go? Also fine, what's the problem with your child going with your DH? Is it that you have a concern that they won't be happy/well looked after/doing activities to please them as well as their siblings? Or is it more a 'you' thing, where you feel territorial over your child being 'there'? Your child is also your DHs child, equally.

I think you need to try being honest with yourself. If it's a concern about your child, then discuss with DH and try to resolve so that you feel happy. If it's you feeling like you don't want 'your' child 'there' for no good reason except you don't like it then we will have to agree to disagree because I don't think that's right and the only people who suffer for that is the children.

I think allowing and encouraging a sibling relationship to flourish is a very valid need for children and the DH who is encouraging this is sensible. No, not all siblings (even full siblings!) relationships are as nice as the one I've got with mine even more so in blended families with steps and halfs etc. But if you can help to make it so, why wouldn't you?

As a side note, your DH could pierce your joint child's ears without your permission because he has equal say. But he'd be a total arse to do that without checking with you first and I completely agree that if you weren't happy (I wouldn't be either!) then he shouldn't be doing it!

"Why can't you go too? You don't need to be 'othered'. If it's just that you don't want to well fine but then don't stop your child/ren from going" ah sorry. I would have to take time off work if we would get there in time. And I refuse to do that.

Does your DH never spend a weekend with just you and your DC? I think that would bother me too

I wouldn’t be letting him and DC go alone, I’d be going too

If it's you feeling like you don't want 'your' child 'there' for no good reason except you don't like it then we will have to agree to disagree because I don't think that's right and the only people who suffer for that is the children. we don't have to agree to disagree, that is the very issue I am struggling with squaring in my mind.

As a side note, your DH could pierce your joint child's ears without your permission because he has equal say. But he'd be a total arse to do that without checking with you first and I completely agree that if you weren't happy (I wouldn't be either!) then he shouldn't be doing it! yes I know this, and I would feel the same if he took DC with him to this contac.

Yes. Sorry I'm not sure I've made it very clear, the week that the DSC aren't with us he goes to see them in the week, after school.

I wouldn't agree to this at their age. Perhaps when they were older and could offer an opinion they could join them on the occasional visit but not every weekend.

I would want the weekends DSC aren't there to spend time with my child and do things with them not have them going off EOW without me and then spending the following weekend focused on DSC as well when they are at yours.

It's too much EOW for a 2 year old imo.

@oddoneoutalways Who are you to say there is no good reason, though? Does DHs ex have a good reason for refusing to allow OP to come to drop off? No, but she isn't comfortable with it, so it's allowed.

If Op was talking about blocking something that was highly necessary or explicitly desired by the children it would be different. But it's not. There is absolutely no reason to think that this one specific thing will make the younger DC feel totally comfortable with the situation. As Op said, they will still be dealing with the siblings not being there all the time, not being included in things with their side of the family etc. These outings alone won't change that. IF the child expresses in any way that they would feel better if they went on these specific outings that would be a new situation for OP to consider. But at the moment that's not the case and there's no reason to assume it will be. You simply want OP to ignore her feelings on principle, even though it's not necessary, because you don't think her feelings are valid.

But there ARE valid reasons to not be comfortable with this. It is valid to not want your child exposed to a hostile ex/situation where their mum is not "allowed", or heavily exposed to lots of stories about things their dad used to do when he was married to someone else. These are normal things to potentially want to avoid. Not all children and families are exactly like you and your half siblings.

And even ignoring all that, it still begs the question - if none of the children are asking for this and they already have plenty of time together, then why be so insistent that OP MUST ignore her feelings? It's a really cold attitude.

I understand what you mean OP. I'd let them to occasionally but like hell I'd be losing regular scheduled off time with my 2 year old when I'm still with their dad to somewhere I'm not welcome myself.

That in itself would put me off too, the fact their mum is hostile toward you, I wouldn't want my child around that as I wouldn't feel sure she would be any different with my child than she had been with me.

My own 2 year old gets on well with my DSCs mum, she always chats to him and fusses him when she comes to get DSC and he's also been to her house but I would feel very uncomfortable with that if she'd been a dick to me and I wouldn't allow him to hers if that were the case.

I think young children like spending time with older siblings, although maybe less so the other way round! There's nothing wrong with op's DH spending time alone with his older children but I think it would nice if from time to time he takes his younger child along so they get to bond as a group. Would a mother always go along if they were all her own children? There's no guarantee that they will all get along in adulthood but most people do and there's no relationship quite like a sibling with their shared memories and experiences and I'd think it a shame if they didn't start building those together now.

Very tricky one.
I was in a similar position years ago.
But I had a dd and so our shared child always had a pal so didn't get upset when dsc went home.
We saw then eow and everyone was happy with that.
At 2 I think it's too young - maybe at 5 and then not every other weekend.
I'm quite impressed that this dad would happily have 3 children for any length on time on his own
I , as a mum would find that quite a handful after a full week at work plus other household comments.

Basically I'd be okay with occasionally but not every week set in stone.

I think from time to time is fine and not a problem. But fitting his 2 year old with OP into his contact arrangement with his older kids every week isn't.

This weekend my spouse took our two children to go meet their very distant little cousins. I stayed home and had a chilled day to myself.
my DC had never met these folk before but they ate ice creams and had fun.

in your case - your spouse would take your child to meet ….. erm ….. not their far flung distant cousins but their own siblings who they have met before and you shall have the day to yourself?

I cannot distinguish between these two situations with anything except that you are feeling jealous that your spouse has a past - and that past means that he also has children with another person that’s not you - and that the shared experience of being parents is one he has not just with you but with another person too.

I really don't like the idea of DC being in "their world" it feels odd them all getting together without me in an area that DC has absolutely no connection or need to be in

Have not been in the position, and appreciate how protective you might feel but from my point of view, your husband being father to all makes the DSC very much part of DC's world. They are genetically related. Wouldn't it be 100% better for them all to have a good relationship than for it to be awkward for them to see each other? It seems like you don't have a relationship with them at all due to the distance perhaps? Maybe that is part of the problem.

I think the "contamination" is possibly the closest word I have to describing it. A weird need to keep DC seperated from their life with their mum and the contact time

Your words OP.

My Ex had another child with his first OW - took said child till it was 5 to ask to come round to my house to see their siblings. He is welcome, knows where everything is, my DCS love them being in their house he sure as heel does not contaminate anything. Said child is associated with so many bad things that happened in my life at the time due to the actions of their mother - but I definitely do not transfer my distaste of her actions onto an innocent child.

This weekend my spouse took our two children to go meet their very distant little cousins

Does he do it every week on a set day and has the parent of the cousins been hostile toward you?

If not, what's your point?

but I definitely do not transfer my distaste of her actions onto an innocent child.

You can't speak for every ex though, would you feel comfortable sending your two year old somewhere the person on the other end didn't like you?

Can you not understand why your exes partner may feel a bit uncomfortable with her child being at your house? Not everyone would be as mature as you and not transfer the negativity onto the child.

As I say, I have no skin in the game as my DS (also 2) has been to my husband's exes house and she's lovely to him. But if she and I didn't get on I can certainly see how I wouldn't feel comfortable with it.

I see what you are saying but I assure you it is not jealousy I feel. Just more a "this is odd". I guess like if there weren't children involved it wouldn't even be considered to go back to somewhere you'd lived with an ex on a regular basis if you'd moved away? The kids do make a massive difference but I can't see why DC has to get involved. You make a very good example with the cousin analogy which does help me with my feelings thank you.

In addition I wouldn't want my child committed to a schedule like that when we aren't even separated. I'm sure the EOW the DSC are there OP spends time with them and they do things they enjoy and whatever else, I wouldn't want to also lose part of the other weekend with my DC as well on a regular scheduled basis.