I don't want DC included in contact

[SmileyPiuPiu]

I have DSC who are here EOWeekend and in the holidays. DH goes to see them on the week that DSC aren't either us. We have shared DC. DSC live a fair distance away. Now DC has got a bit older DH has suggested he takes them along on his contact with the DSC. I am against this for two reasons:

1. The DSC are older and it does them good to have time with their dad by themselves, they are individuals.
2. I really don't like the idea of DC being in "their world" it feels odd them all getting together without me in an area that DC has absolutely no connection or need to be in.

I think 1. is valid but am struggling with 2. I think is unreasonable but I'm struggling to terms with it. I guess I want DC as unaffected as possible by his previous relationships.

Please be kind, I've admitted I'm struggling here and I know it's perhaps not logical so please please don't bash me when I'm down.

i think if it is for an afternoon and it is an activty a 2 yr old would enjoy then id be relishing the free time to myself
however i feel for the older children who might enjoy the time alone with their dad without their little sister
is your dh offering this so you can have some free time ? which is a nice thing imo

Jealous how?

They do see them. They see them every other weekend and in the holidays. I am aware they have a connection to their siblings. Its just the link to the area in which the siblings call "mums" is more tenuous. In the same way I wouldn't be expecting any further kids mum has to be coming all the way up here unless it was just to drop the DSC off.

Thanks for all the people who have expressed they can see why my feelings are happening, it makes me feel less alone with this and less like a monster.

And I completely agree that DH needs to be spending time on his own with them without DC.

contaminated -seriously you have a personal problem OP

I hope your DSCs never feel what you think of them. They and their lives contaminate your DC - possibly the nastiest thing I have read on the SM forum.

Would rather an SM straight up said she disliked her SDCS - that is straight up honesty regardless of the reason but to say your SDCs and their life contaminate you DCs life is absolutely vile

( Irrelevant what the EX does or does not do - she does not want you at her house for pick up - her choice. Would appear considering the distance she is doing her fair share of travelling to facilitate contact withe their father so different situation completely.)
Is there an amazing backstory we about to be dripfed

They and their lives contaminate your DC - possibly the nastiest thing I have read on the SM forum. well I have no idea where you have read that as I most certainly didn't write that.

I adore my DSC so you are very far from the truth. Its just that the whole world of contact etc is alien to me and I'm not sure if it's healthy for DC to be caught up in it all.

( Irrelevant what the EX does or does not do - she does not want you at her house for pick up - her choice. Would appear considering the distance she is doing her fair share of travelling to facilitate contact withe their father so different situation completely.) yes her choice but actually no she does not do her "fair share" of driving for contact. I agree this is irrelevant although part of me wonders if I can ban her from dropping the kids off at our house and insist DH picks them up from down the road.

That was a word someone else used that op agreed was somewhat close to how she felt but honestly you have no idea what you're talking about. It's not that the SC themselves contaminate her DC but the idea of your DC spending time with their dad's ex wife, potentially in the place he used to be married to her is very jarring for a SP to think about. There's nothing shocking about that.

We often like to think we can keep them quite separate from all that, I certainly do! It's talked about at length that SC might be troubled by the idea of their parents being with somebody other than their other parent, why is it totally ignored that the younger children might feel similarly about their parents former marriage?

It's also understandable to not want to send your child without you into an environment that is hostile to you and therefore potentially hostile to them.

There are a lot of complicated feelings involved in this sort of situation and this vilification of OP is really excessive and unnecessary.

Oh my goodness thank you so so much. This is EXACTLY how I am feeling.

It's the idea of DC being in the world that DH shared with Ex, even if ex isn't present. The whole this is where mum took us to do x y & z from the DSC. The feeling of being on "their territory". Even though no ones owns a small market town haha.

Well, I was the one of the 'original' DCs. So I have a stepmother. She and my Dad went on to have another child, technically my 'half' brother but before they were married. We lived an hour away from them and when we were children we saw our Dad every single Sunday for the whole day and overnight for a weekend once a month. This the 90s in the days before all these 50/50 arrangements etc. Once my stepmum (then a girlfriend) was a permanent fixture we were introduced to her and eventually she came most Sundays too. Never bothered us.

When my half brother was born I was 13 and my 'full' brother was 11. We loved him. I mothered him as much as I could, and used to babysit once I was old enough occasionally. My other brother played with him. We've never called him half. We're all adults in our late thirties and early twenties now and we're really close. We have our own 'kids' (ha!) WhatsApp group with no parents just the three of us which we use to keep in touch every other day. Both of my brothers are godparents to my children as well as uncles. The two additional guests invited at my 'half' brothers Graduation along with his parents? Me and my brother. His choice, he didn't have to ask us but he wanted us there and we were excessively proud of him.

We're three siblings, one of us just happens to have a different mum to the other two and we've got a fairly big age gap.

I'm so glad that we were all together at our 'contact' time. We wouldn't have the relationship we have now if that hadn't have been allowed. We were never resentful of him (or our stepmother) being there. Occasionally they wouldn't come for some reason or another, but not often. He was our brother and that was that. We didn't live with him, no, but other than that I didn't feel differently towards him than my other brother. Perhaps it's because we were all always treated them same and we knew no different. He was born and we simply had a new member of the family, it wasn't ever a case of 'well perhaps he shouldn't be there, he's infringing on our time'.

As long as the children are happy, let them have a relationship. They're siblings! You might not like the fact that your children are entering your husbands 'old' world but that old world contains your stepchildren and those stepchildren are your children's siblings. My half brother as a baby and child was brought into my mothers house to collect us. As an adult I have no doubt my stepmother would likely have preferred for that not to happen, it is after all my Dad's old marital home and his ex-wife was there. But my mum was always lovely to him, he was a child, however she felt about our Dad and we wanted him to come!

Oh, and my mother and stepmother never met each other until the day my wedding day. When my 'half' brother was eighteen. There was no bad feeling but there was no need. She didn't come to collect or drop off either. We still had a close and great relationship with our 'half' sibling.

@oddoneoutalways but the majority of contact with DSC happens in OPs home, she doesn't HAVE to be made uncomfortable by her DC being taken to the small amount of contact that happens where they live for them to have a strong relationship.

I had a half brother who was 6 years younger than me, from my Dad's second marriage. Whilst I loved seeing him when we visited them, I'd have been pretty pissed off if my Dad had brought him every time he visited us.

@aSofaNearYou But it's not about her! Really, it's not.

If the child/ren are happy to go, and the other children are happy for them to be there then what's the problem? Just because it's the 'old
ex-wife territory'? The Dad gets to spend time with all his children together. Lovely. Stepmother gets a nice break! Or she can go too if she wants, ok she doesn't go to the house but there's ways around that.

Ok it says the child is two - but still, these relationships start from the beginning. If all of the children are happy then it's wrong to stand in the way of their relationship.

It should be about everyone. I don't think the mentality that it's not about her at all is healthy, in fact I think that's a highly selfish POV. They have plenty of time all together, this would be a small added extra. So it shouldn't be at all a big deal to not do it because it makes her uncomfortable. Lord knows she will be spending enough of her time accepting things that are "not about her". She's a person too.

It would be different if her DC was asking to go, obviously. But they're not.

@oddoneoutalways I have to admire your honesty saying "It's not about her. Really it's not'" whilst only caring about the situation from the position that YOU have experienced.

I wouldn't even of been happy losing DH to a few hours activity on the weekend the kids weren't with you 🤣 I fully respected DH kids weekend but alike I wanted my weekend fully also. So that's would grate for me to start with.

That being said you will get a couple of hours child free every other weekend to perhaps see friends or something if that's what your set up has always been like.

But it's not about her! Really, it's not. why is it not? Why is it about DH, DSC, DC and not me? Am I not a valid and important member of the family? Why am I othered? My feelings deemed not worthy of consideration. In my family EVERYBODY'S feelings are considered and none of them dismissed out of hand.

Well that's just not true is it.

I said, as long as all of the children are happy. If they're not, then it doesn't work. Her child is two. So they're not likely to be unhappy, assuming that there are no additional things that were not aware of, spending the day with their Dad and siblings unless they're ill, having a clingy day etc and any Mum. In which case on that day then they stay with Mum. Common sense.

But if they are then really it's up to adults to actually be adults and out the children's needs ahead of their own.

Why can't you go too? You don't need to be 'othered'. If it's just that you don't want to well fine but then don't stop your child/ren from going.

I do think adults needs come behind children's, sorry.

@oddoneoutalways What do you mean no it's not? That you considered her DC, too? No they wouldn't be unhappy, but they're not actively asking for it at this point either. Meanwhile, it makes OP uncomfortable. So why does that not matter?

I don't, sorry.

I do think adults needs come behind children's, sorry.

This isn't a need, it's a vague, unneeded suggestion from her DH.

This is what I want to know. Why does it not matter? Where is the line? What if they all want to get DC's ears peirced and DC says yes (as she doesn't understand properly) and I'm uncomfortable?