Prefer it when DSC aren't here

[Chime11]

Anyone else feel this way?

Basically I just much prefer life and our family when DSC aren't here because my husband changes.

It's not necessarily anything bad but he, I guess what would be called Disney on here, just acts weird when his kids are here.

It's constant treats and making huge fuss and falling over himself to fuss over them and expecting everyone else too as well.

I get it in one respect, he doesn't see his kids all of the time so wants to make it special or whatever, I can't even say I wouldn't be the same, but from an outsider's perspective everything just feels so much more normal and easygoing when they are with their mum. We get on better, life flows better, there is no red carpet rolling out. Sometimes it makes me cringe how much he falls over himself to provide endless treats and fuss. If they c

Anyone else?

I would say they “need” to be made a fuss of, to feel wanted, to feel like despite the fact he’s not around all the time he wishes he could be. It will do allot for their self esteem.

I don't disagree but again, this isn't what is happening. Making a fuss of can be cooking their favourite tea, watching their favourite film, asking about their week, playing a game on the console with them or something.

It's not having no boundaries, giving them whatever they want, expecting everyone else to do the same, no bedtimes, sweets on tap, no discipline for poor behaviour because you're scared of doing so. They still need to be parented.

I agree. You can't just be your children's friend. That is not looking after their needs.

It's nothing to do with their needs, it's to do with his guilt and making himself feel better. He's even told me in the past he's scared to discipline them in case they don't come anymore. How can you ever have an enjoyable family time or life with kids who's parents are scared to tell them off/discipline them.

Christmas is another painful topic here too. He went so so overboard last year that we actually ended up having a big row about it. He was spending, and I'm not even exaggerating here, well over a thousand on DSC and STILL moaning he didn't think they had enough.

That is ridiculous. Especially when we're not even particularly well off and that money could be better used elsewhere in the year. Did our DC get £1k spent? Did they buggary and I wouldn't let them either! But I just got "you can't tell me what to spend on my kids blah blah".

Our DC are too young to notice now but if that continues then he either needs to spend the same on ALL of them for instances like that or be more reasonable with what he spends on DSC. It's horribly noticeable.

Everything you have described is what I was alluding to, on the whole they come first, not in every instance. That’s one reason why some people chose not to have children, which I totally respect.

I’m not saying that you can’t go out for dinner or see friends because the kids would rather have you home, a healthy parent is important too.

In some cases the child needs must come second to the parents, it’s all about balance.

That is absolutely disgusting and as your child gets older bordering psychological abuse.

That’s a problem for your DC, as a step child it was the other way round for me, it was obvious less was spent on me, and I noticed. I wasn’t bothered so much about having less, more that I was treated differently, I felt lesser.

He sounds like he’s doing the wrong thing, for the right reasons, he loves them and wants them to feel wanted. I would get some family counselling, work through it will an objective stranger, if you can afford it. Before it turns into a bigger mess and garners more resentment.

Christmas is a point of contention for me too. DSS has to open my DS’ presents because he won’t be told no, despite having an even number of his own. I held back my DS’ special presents (ie ones from family that I know they’ll have put some thought into) for when DSS had gone so DS could open and appreciate them. DH was disappointed I had held back presents so my son could open his own and actually said “why did you do that DSS could have opened those” he didn’t even understand the irony of what he was saying.

I don’t even know who bought what DSS ripped through the ones he opened with such intensity. It made thanking people really difficult!

So what happens if he keeps doing this? Can you actually live like this?

Omg. There's no way I would allow this. Have you told him "no"?

What the hell! I will never understand that.

You can’t tell him no. He gets violent. But that’s another thread.

That's insane. I wouldn't be spending Christmas with him again if DH wouldn't tackle this.

Ooft @HotDogKetchup that just made my head explode.
Another vote for not spending Christmas with him if he's going to be allowed (and actually encouraged by the sounds of things) to ruin your child's Christmas. Fuck that for a carry on. You can't allow your child to behave like that the expect to be allowed to inflict them on other people.
Your DH is utterly pathetic.

Forget Christmas I'd be considering walking!

Well, yes, there probably is a bigger problem at play and if Christmas is any indicator of the dynamics generally then it is deeply unhealthy for all involved.

Yup. But if ever I say anything I’m told I’m the issue and need to be more tolerant. I am the adult after all!

You’ve said that your own dc are too young to notice the difference in what your dh spends on them at Christmas, so what’s the problem?
Your dh will likely even out the money he spends as yours get older. And if he’s got two other dc’s, then £1,000 isn’t a terrible amount of money, especially as older kids and teens tend to want games consoles/ phones etc etc for Christmas. These gifts are extremely expensive,
Your dc’s are little now, but one day you’ll see for yourself that the presents get dearer.

Try seeing things from your dsc’s perspective and not just your own dc’s.

Some men had the family they wanted when they had the first set of kids.

The second family are to keep the second wife/girlfriend happy and he doesn't invest in them emotionally the same way. They belong more to the wife than him. He just did her a favour.

Maybe that's the dynamic here

Try seeing things from your dsc’s perspective and not just your own dc’s.

Bit rich coming from someone incapable of caring about anyone's perspective other than the DSC's.

Hang oh no, DH in this scenario needs to try and see it from all his DC's perspective not just the first kids!

Shouldn’t you be aiming that at the OP?

Shouldn’t you be aiming that at the OP?

.... no, why would I?

I didn’t say he didn’t. But the SM should also consider how her dsc’s feel.

Err probably because the OP appears to only have her own and her own dc’s interests at heart.