Prefer it when DSC aren't here

[Chime11]

Anyone else feel this way?

Basically I just much prefer life and our family when DSC aren't here because my husband changes.

It's not necessarily anything bad but he, I guess what would be called Disney on here, just acts weird when his kids are here.

It's constant treats and making huge fuss and falling over himself to fuss over them and expecting everyone else too as well.

I get it in one respect, he doesn't see his kids all of the time so wants to make it special or whatever, I can't even say I wouldn't be the same, but from an outsider's perspective everything just feels so much more normal and easygoing when they are with their mum. We get on better, life flows better, there is no red carpet rolling out. Sometimes it makes me cringe how much he falls over himself to provide endless treats and fuss. If they c

Anyone else?

I think the way that DC are treated as victims of divorce who must have it constantly made up to them is extremely damaging to children.

Their father can love them all the time - should love them all the time - but some of the time they’re with their mum. That’s how their life works. Being constantly told their reality isn’t good enough and they must be given extra treats to compensate is not a nice way to treat them.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander Unfortunately this post was a poster replying to one of my comments saying my children are being abused by their dad which they aren't.

you must love them like your own
treat them like royalty
they are the first born and therefore the priority etc are embittered step mums.

You're obviously not looking properly. Even on this thread we have resident mothers telling us that the SC need to be spoiled and prioritised and given special treatment in contact time. The resident children have their dad the rest of the time, so they matter less. Who cares what the effect is on them?

The only people I have ever seen on this forum say
you must love them like your own
treat them like royalty
they are the first born and therefore the priority etc are embittered step mums.

"love them like your own" is on almost every day somewhere.
I've not actually read the words "you must treat them like royalty", but the implication is there, loads.
And have you not seen "Those who are first in time are first in line" trotted out by non stepmums before? You've not lived!

Well I can understand why you would feel like it’s nicer when dsc aren’t there.

BUT seeing that they are spend 50% of their time at your house, and the big issue for you seem to be the way your DH behaves towards them

What do you think would make it better for you?
Do you think that your DH changing his parenting style would work better for you.
Does he parent your child and his dsc differently (bearing in mind the age difference of course) or does he parent them all the same when dsc are here and the child with you differently when they aren’t?

I agree

They are always there they live with us

I agree, it is very damaging. There is nothing wrong with having divorced parents and people need to stop acting like there is or the kids will pick up on it. It simply is what it is.

@lookluv I really wish that was the case. You'd have to experience it to believe it. You would assume most mums would be like you (and me) and that's how life would be like. It's not and there's no such thing as bedtimes! Imagine your husband who works in a manual job with early starts forcing himself to stay awake past 11pm so his 8yr can keep playing xbox and not feel sad to be told it's bedtime. It's literally bonkers.

I have been a sm twice. The first time was absolutely lovely. My dcs siblings come over and see us, have birthday sleep overs, I'm friends with my exes ex wife, genuinely enjoyed being a step mum to them. They still hug me, send me voice notes singing me happy birthday and lovely little things like that. My dcs dad was not a Disney dad. It worked kids wise.

@lookluv once my now ex husband gave his son his inhaler to take to school because he has anxiety over his sons breathing and thought he would have an asthma attack. His son doesn't have asthma. He wakes him up checking his pulse some nights as he's so worried he's going to stop breathing. The school took it off of him (obviously) and his mum gave it back to ex dss. When exh came home from work and told me I said - bet he's sat in his room puffing it to be like you, and he was. His mum did take it off him then. Any sane parent who was worried about their childs breathing would take them to the GP or walk in centre right? No, it's got so weird that they now do breathing exercises together when ex has him. Am I really a horrible cow for telling him not to give his kid prescription medicine that isn't prescribed to him and to take him to the GP if he thinks he has asthma?

Ahhh thank god I don't live like this anymore!

yes it is said - but by step mums on this forum or are all critical comments of SMs only made by non step parents.

No one has said what I posted on here - there have been comments about the myths but no one has actually read it other than SMs themselves.

This is a dynamic that you can only truly understand if you've lived it i.e. with a Disney Dad who throws all energy towards his non-resident DC, then slacks/slumps/sulks when they're not there, irrespective of whether he has resident DC always there.

It's really damaging all round, and the only person who ever seems oblivious to the impact on the family is the Disney Dad!

SM on MN always get the tired old trope thrown at them that they must be jealous/hate their DSC, when nothing could be further from the truth.

SM would feel very different if their DH's with non-resident DC treated the DC as if they were normal people, and just like the rest of the family.

People 100% do say you must love them like your own on pretty much every thread.

Sorry to high jack thread, I am not a horrible cow about the inhaler asthma thing am I? I still doubt myself! Wouldn't every other parent take their child to the GP or walk in centre instead of dropping them school with an inhaler that isn't theirs!

Love my nice peaceful home when my ss isn't here. That's not to say I don't like the kid, but he's not mine so I'm not on cloud 9 when he visits and do prefer when he's with his mum - we have two very different households and it shows massively.

This kind of thing does impact the resident DC. I can think of an example from our family a couple of months ago.

DH has two adult DC and we have two DCs together. DD1 and DSD both celebrate their birthdays within a couple of days of each other, DD her 8th birthday and DSD was celebrating her 21st this year. DSD stayed with us overnight that week and DH took her to work the next morning. While we were saying goodbye to her, DH made a big fuss of her being the birthday girl and giving her big hugs and kisses etc.

I could see DD’s face fall. Once they had left, DD burst into tears and asked why Dad had made a fuss of DSD’s birthday but hadn’t mentioned anything about hers? I just told her that DSD was celebrating an important birthday, as I didn’t know what else to say. DH did apologise to DD once I had told him how upset DD was.

It is a scenario that likely wouldn’t happen in an intact family, because there is no way a parent would lavish attention on one child having a birthday that week without even mentioning the other. On top of that, I know for a fact that DH made a point of attending every sports day, parents evening etc for his DC, but I can only think of one occassion when he has done the same for our DC.

Not in every instance of course, but on the whole the children need to come first. Putting the children first does not mean giving in to every whim, if that is happening then certainly it needs addressing.

Overall though, the children do need to come above the step parent. They have no real control, especially if their younger, they often can’t advocate for themselves.

That’s what parenting is, putting the needs of your children, step or otherwise above your own. I’m not saying you should disregard your own needs and feelings, of course not, it’s a balance. Perhaps in the OP case the balance is off, that’s something which can only really be solved by talking it out.

Not in every instance of course, but on the whole the children need to come first

What part of any of this sounds like a "need" to you?

None of it is a need, I don't disagree that children's needs come first, I have DC, I get it.

Needs and being spoilt are two very VERY different things.

The problem is he wants to be their friend rather than their dad which means no boundaries or rules or parenting just "fun" and treats constantly. I'm surprised anyone can think that is either good for the kids or good parenting. And it's not putting their needs first either.

Their mum doesn't do it and she sees them just the same amount of time.

I would say they “need” to be made a fuss of, to feel wanted, to feel like despite the fact he’s not around all the time he wishes he could be. It will do allot for their self esteem.

If he’s going overboard In a way that isn’t healthy for them, then yes he should reign it in. Your feelings should be considered of course, it’s not an easy position to be in but neither is being a step child. You have the power in the situation, you can leave, they can’t, they just have to deal with the situation they are in.

I see what you are saying. Mum doesn't overcompensate for not seeing them, she parents.

That’s what parenting is, putting the needs of your children, step or otherwise above your own.

Tbh I think a lot of issues arise from being the kind of person who defines parenting like this. Yes, sure, it goes without saying this will come into it sometimes - you'd feed your child before yourself if you didn't have enough to spare, for instance, and on a more mundane level you put your child's need for supervision in the morning above your need for a lie in etc. But when I think of parenting I think of nourishing and teaching a young mind. My mind doesn't instantly think "make as much sacrifice as I can and be constantly on the lookout for anything that could be construed as another parent not doing so", as many that use that line seem to be.

He should definitely have boundaries, there healthy for everyone involved. That’s the difficult thing, it has to be him putting them in place. I would hope he would be open to listening to you, especially if your coming from a good place.

On top of that I know for a fact that DH made a point of attending every sports day, parents evening etc for his DC, but I can only think of one occasion where he had done the same for our DC.

How do you stomach this @msevs? My EXDP did the same to the extent that when the pandemic came and everything went online, he couldn't even be bothered attending our DC appointments when all he had to do was walk downstairs and log on to the computer! EXDP would also regularly book non essential DIY people over our DC Christmas plays/sports days etc so he had to stay home, yet would never have dared to do the same think to his NR DC/EXDW. He attends more of our DC events now that we've split, than he ever did when we were together.