Support cafe for step parents

[candlesandpitchforks]

Starting a new one as other seems to have dropped into oblivion.

How we all doing ? Some of you might recognise me as the poster who had v traumatic pregnancy and I can confirm my baby boy arrived and is currently doing well ! Thank god it was bit touch and go but hurrah for NHS.

Also just me or has there been some really bonkers comments on this board of late ?

Yes. that’s about right.

he’d never have asked the SC’s mother. She would never have said yes. And he hates her too.

he wants to play superdad to his three kids at the fair. But he can’t do that on his own. The best he could manage is all of them going on a few baby rides and then going home.

So he wants me to go so I can look after his kids while he plays superdad. And also to look after all 3 kids while he goes on rides. It’s ‘scummy’ so he needs someone to keep them ‘safe’ (which is code for his children are badly behaved and WILL wander off so he needs a babysitter to watch them like hawks).

I’ve had all the emotional manipulation shite. ‘It’s about the children’. ‘As a father on Father’s Day weekend’. And so on.

He could just take the SC but he’d only be able to go on rides with them both. So SD would miss out on the bigger ones. I’m supposed to feel bad about that. I don’t. That’s what life is with a sibling. 🤷🏻‍♀️

He could take our DS separately. Even invite me along so he could go on rides himself.

But he’s a father of three and it’s all about the children. I’m obligated to turn up and be the babysitter - knowing I’ll be scapegoated when his kids misbehave and I have to tell them off. And when we have to leave early because they won’t just stand there while he goes on a baby ride with the toddler.

I’m getting threats about taking it up with his solicitor now.

I’m ‘denying him access’ because I won’t babysit his 5 year old so he can take an 8 year old on the bigger rides. And he’s got written proof.

He doesn’t. He’s got a written record of him;

• demanding to see DS at short notice
• expecting my babysitting services for his other children
• attempting to emotionally manipulate and guilt me into it
• making threats (I’ll take this up with my solicitor) to scare me into complying.

He could have been a nice person and approached it as asking me for a big favour. Then accepted my boundaries and been grateful for that giving him a chance to take his older kids on rides while having the toddler there.

But he’s really not a nice person.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander I'd love to see him take it up with a solicitor just to see the look on their face. How is you as his ex refusing to spend an afternoon with him denying him access to his son? Ignore the twat, you can't argue with stupid (but I totally get why it would wind you up).

@NightOwl101 we had DSC's mum having a go at us for saying we wouldn't be having DSC to sleep overnight the day before we moved house - we didn't drop it on her last minute and DSC were 18 and 15 at the time so it's not like childcare needed arranging etc. She honestly thought they should still be sleeping over out of principle despite the house being completely cleared out by the movers (DH and I stayed in a B&B that night) so it would have been miserable for them. DSC themselves weren't bothered whatsoever - we saw them 6 days out of every 14 so it's not like they were missing out on precious time with DH. It was all about control for her, nothing else. I'm sure it was the same for you, good for you for sticking to your guns.

He is claiming I’m ‘denying him access’.

because, despite, being one divorced already, he doesn’t know it’s contact not access.

I think he actually thinks the message trail shows something other than him
making a short notice demand and using his solicitor to threaten me into looking after his other children for him.

And failing to recognise that me going along such that he gets to spend an afternoon with our DS and still go on rides with his other children (just not one to one) is doing him a favour.

It’s actually gaslighting I think. He’s being totally unreasonable but claiming I am and threatening me on that basis.

His solicitor is an arsehole. He’s picked one of the misogynist bastard school of family law specialists.

He claims that me not just handing over my son to a man who has already put in writing that he needs help to ensure the children are all safe at the fair, and who demanded to have this contact at 10am today having never mentioned it before, is ‘denying him access’.

As if it’s reasonable to just demand to see him like that. And go straight to threatening me with a solicitor and claiming it looks really bad for me because I’m ‘denying him access’.

He’s just not nice. It’s no surprise that his children are also extremely demanding and just not very nice about anything too. It’s obvious where they have picked that up from. Their mother isn’t any nicer, but I now realise that some part of that is actually the natural response to his enormous sense of entitlement and generally unpleasant personality traits.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander please don't go at all.
If you go, even if you've stipulated that you won't act as babysitter for him, he'll still somehow rope you into it as a fait accompli, and / or blame you when things go wrong.

You are, of course, right @Bonheurdupasse.

There is literally no way for me not to be in the wrong for him.

Girls I'm gonna have a moan and be evil for a moment if that's ok ?

Feel ready to shoot self. We are 5* luxury hotel and my DSD13 is acting like we have taken her to the dentist. Every single day. This bloody hotel has a teens club which has new PlayStation, Xbox's and god knows what else and DSD has spent the time staring (for hours at me) complaining she's bored and wants to go to arcade with her dad which DH has spent so far £200 (for about 30mins worth of entertainment) with her and is pouting as we have said no more. She's not interested in swimming, teens club (with literal PlayStations in which she usually loves), any of the magazines she's insisted on being bought, and is complaining loudly.

She's now sunburnt (after refusing to let us help her with sun cream as she's done it - spoiler alert she hasn't) refusing to wear a top in pool when she begrudgingly goes in. Now because she's got a sunburn she's insisting the only clothes she can wear is her pjs down to alcarte restaurants and is mocking others for dressing up.

Ok trying to be kind, patient and my usual tolerant self but you know I'm ready to throw self off balcony. I just know she's going to go back to her DM and say oh they let me get sunburnt (ignoring the fact she wouldn't let us help and refuses to help herself) and we are gonna get a shitty response when we return makes me think I was mad to think this would work.

Send me words of calming downness, I'm so horrified how entitled she's acting abs she's literally ruining the holiday for us all... oh and my DD and our joint DC keep randomly getting hurt. Example DSD keeps pulling DD3 legs under the water with arm bands on so much so that now my water baby is frightened of the water. I have repeatedly told her to stop. Lasts a second and then again. DSD keeps literally shaking baby every moment he's asleep so much so we have had to explain his neck will snap if she keeps shaking him so can't leave them alone together for 0 seconds.I suspect she's doing it because he's not awake and she wants to make him cry (see post on the pinching).various other things but I can't be arse to type.

I expect this from a toddler, but 13 that knows don't drown people, don't shake babies or pinch them. DH has made her apologise, told her off, had repeated chats, she says sorry and then does it all over again.

Am going fucking mad why did I think this was a good idea ?

Oh god. That sounds horrendous. Honestly, I think your husband has to step in and sort this. She’s actually hurting the younger children and scaring them, as well as being difficult and unpleasant.

I am evil (and separated because frankly I put my foot down and was having no more of the shit). What I would do is firmly tell her father that he has to address this. Yes teenagers can all be a bit sulky and difficult, but this is not ok.

if she won’t get dressed, she’s not eating with you all. She can stay in the room. If necessary, he can stay with her. She’s not allowed in the pool at all if she cannot treat the children acceptably.

Honestly, I’d probably take my children out myself and leave him to sort out his daughter. And that doesn’t mean pandering more and spending another £200 in the arcade.

Make it his problem and leave him to deal with it. I appreciate this leaves you with two small children on your own.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers
No, you're not evil. Your DSD sounds like a vicious little bitch and not only would I be telling your DH to go sort somewhere else for him and his monster of a child to stay for the rest of the holiday, I'd be seriously thinking about what happens when you get home.
She's not just an annoying teenager, she's attacking your children. Repeatedly.
Time to hit the nuclear button.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers that sounds horrific! You are not evil at all, she is 13 and old enough to understand you do not pull children under the water and you do not shake a baby. There seriously something wrong for her to be doing that and it sounds like your DC would be in actual danger being left alone with her for a second. Have you got long left of your holiday?

@pitchforksandflamethrowers She is not being punished enough, "a chat" is not enough for that repeated behaviour towards the younger children especially. She should not be allowed to partake in things.

And I would not be taking her on holiday again.

Personally I'd be telling dh to get on a plane and take her home!
She sounds like a right brat & I'm sorry but your dh is being useless! If a child of mine was behaving like that I'd be mortified & I'd be shipping them home in an instant unless they copped the f**k on! She's 13 not 3 & your dp is failing in his treatment of her.
As others have said I'd also be thinking of life when you get home - do you really want to live with this behaviour being tolerated?

Well funnily enough ladies DH lost his rag literally, he's usually fairly calm as DSD isn't Nerotypycal but this behaviour is literally beyond the pale. She's never been like this. He went nuts because honestly if you saw us here you would be like wtf.

Bloody booked it for 10 days didn't I ? Like a plum. After DH went mental she has been sulking, said she wasn't swimming and I think she thought we all were gonna stay in room with her 😂 I said ok that's fine your choice and we all went in the pool. She's sulking majorly at the moment on sunlounger and has asked to call her mum (lost her phone and all devices) she's got book and mags if she wants to read. I suspect she's going to call and report back. Mum unfortunately treats her like she's 4 and just will believe anything DSD (DSD said proudly her mums thick so believes anything she says - in front of DH 😵‍💫)

Tbh newborn and stroppy toddler are a walk in park compared to this. I have said I'm not volunteering to do this again with her tbh. Was going to take her horse riding but that's been cancelled as there's a near by ranch I was going to take her too . So she's stroppy with me.

I also said if she treats kids/me like this again she won't be going to see Harvey and Lola (horses at home) which I solely pay for so DH has no sway there . I'm so frustrated me because I thought she was better than this.

As daft as it sounds I think it was triggered by me and DH were dancing on balcony while kids had down time last night and she just glared though the door the entire time. I had a funny feeling she would be a arse today but im not sure why ?

Anyway going to go have fun in water with kids.

How is the holiday going @pitchforksandflamethrowers ?

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander well it's all come out. DSD has basically said that she wants mum and my DH back together, she likes me and wants me to be around but basically doesn't want to engage with the family because her mum and dad should be together and preferred holidays when it was just them and her and wants us to go away so they can get back together

She's non nerotypcal so this was said matter of factly. She needs counselling serious counselling. I suspected this for a while tbh. Her mums been on phone in pieces, DH is in pieces and so am I.

I have said no holidaying together anymore and living arrangements are pending. My heart is broken 😞

Oh no. I am so sorry.

Why aren’t her parents properly addressing her totally unrealistic hopes and expectations? Why are they giving her the power to dictate their relationships - and to break up your children’s family?

Kids wishing they could get rid of their sm so their parents can get back together is pretty standard stuff. Even with ND, it’s something that their parents can handle and explain. It sounds like her parents have reacted ridiculously to this. Both of them.

Is your husband supporting you at all here? What is he doing to ensure that your small children’s family matters?

I agree she needs serious therapy. If she’s a danger to the small children because she’s jealous and wants them out of the way (as she did with you dog, I think I remember), then definitely she needs serious intervention. It sounds like she’s possibly more troubled that can be explained by neurodivergence alone (I’ve just been diagnosed with ADHD myself) - hurting animals and now small children (on purpose) suggests she needs quite serious psychiatric input to diagnose what may be co-existing with ND.

But she’s not the only child here. And your husband needs to face up to the responsibilities he has to his three children.

What are the options re: living arrangements?

@pitchforksandflamethrowers that's so tough but I agree with pp. Beware of letting dsd rule the roost, particularly re living arrangements. That'll just encourage the fantasy reunion 🙄 your DH and his ex need to join forces and make it clear that ship has sailed...

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander to be fair this is so so out of both of our wheel houses.DH has been doing everything in his power he's said no more holidays, treats, privileges, tech, horses and potentially living apart to safeguard the kids or contact to be had away from the house. Thing is all of removing these things hasn't bother her in slightest bar the horses but even then it's mild annoyance rather than disappointment . You can't bully a horse as they will bully you back but then she's never left alone with them... her aunty has bandied around personality disorder more than once but mum was adamant not a issue.

I have no idea where's she's gotten this romantic notion because mum has a partner have been together a long while and similar with DH but less so. Both of them are rather shocked tbh. She's never given them any inkling this was a issue. Her mum is particularly horrified but mum is finally on board with getting her serious help.

Yes it was us and the family dog although my username changed slightly.

At end or rope

Oh @pitchforksandflamethrowers you poor thing - what a horrible thing to come out & especially when on holidays. I'd agree with @FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander in that ND alone doesn't explain (or excuse) this behaviour & the absolute worst thing her parents can do is given into this behaviour or encourage the fantasy.
What are your living options & how do you feel you'd like things to be once you all return home?

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

Ouch, ouch, ouch. You poor love. This is horrible. The only good thing I can say is this - once the disordered thoughts are out in the open, you can tackle them. One of mine has just admitted to having rather unrealistic expectations.... (Along the lines of expecting every possible adult good as a right and all the privileges of a pfb 3yr old!) This has caused us untold problems within the wider family - my name is black as darkest night.....

Is it time for her to live in a caravan in the garden?!!!!!

It really does sound so hard. Of course it’s out of your wheelhouses! It’s an extreme situation.

I think your husband needs to just get her properly assessed by a psychiatrist for the escalating and worrying behaviour. She’s a danger to her little half siblings (as well as animals) at this point. She needs serious help and intervention. Regardless of her mother being in denial. He’s got PR. He can organise it all without her.

I do think your husband might have to rethink contact arrangements. It needs to be fair to your children and you. Contact only taking place outside the house and just him and SD does sound like a sensible boundary. Could his family support him in having an overnight contact EOW?

maybe with a full diagnosis and proper support in place she can get to a point where she isn’t a danger to her half siblings. But that’s several processes and much time away from where you are.

Try to avoid questioning yourself in setting the boundaries you need to ensure your children are safe. Their father may be pulled in two different directions but you can be their advocate. You can stand up for them and the boundaries they need. And we are here to tell you that you are doing the right thing when the SM guilt over protecting your children kicks in.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers I can't even begin to understand how stressful this all must be for you, especially being on holiday together there is no way to really escape it all. How long until your home?