Support cafe for step parents

[candlesandpitchforks]

Starting a new one as other seems to have dropped into oblivion.

How we all doing ? Some of you might recognise me as the poster who had v traumatic pregnancy and I can confirm my baby boy arrived and is currently doing well ! Thank god it was bit touch and go but hurrah for NHS.

Also just me or has there been some really bonkers comments on this board of late ?

I was having a lovely time thinking this weekend is going well and then just like that DH got asked to keep them for an extra day or two instead of at the end of the week as planned. Queue a barrage of texts and can't Marmalade help? When DH explained no as he has to take time off work and it had all been arranged. Why did she ask I said in case you know it was an actual emergancy..no. she wants to stay round her boyfriends house a bit longer.

Also in the many many years I have been in their life I have never once looked after them for longer than an hour or two when DH has asked. So why she thinks I'm suddenly going to waste my annual leave becuase she wants a break I dont know

Eurgh @MarmaladeLime Why do holiday periods seem to bring out the worst of stepparenting? That and birthdays/Christmas/etc.

From a stepparent perspective it would be so much better if it were always term time and there were no festivities ever.

@SoggyPaper They do. It's so irritating. You can have it all planned to the nth degree and then something comes along or one of the kids wants to stay somewhere longer and then gets upset when work is involved so stops it and then everyone feels bad. I mean childcare for shared DC is hard enough but having to try and coordinate it with DH's DSC responsibilities is another layer and then when mum decides nah she's not doing the driving this time it adds so much pressure to the situation.

Eldest DSC is already moaning about having to stay here 2 weeks in a row in the summer hols due to mum's commitments but is also saying its boring at mums. Sorry DSC but I think that's just life! Being bored isn't harmful!

@candlesandpitchforks
Why do r dp bend over backwards to please there exs, like yell her fucking no and be done with it, I have never meet my dps ex and frankly I would not want to I don't like her one bit and do not know her his family tell me enough about her, she used him to get daughter them kicked him out when she was 3 months pregnant, he was not allowed to change a nappy as it was wrong a man doing that, he was not allowed to take her anywhere on his own until she meet a new man but she was also out off nappies by then, a spade is a spade to me and I would just say to much to her and not in a good way self initialled prick if you ask me lol.

I think it’s that they feel like it’s just easier to upset us and cause us trouble.

Sadly I have met the first wife. She is truly an abominable person. So many weird crap at handovers with her encouraging her children to cling to her wailing on my doorstep. For ages.

The first time I realised that she was a nightmare was when she blocked my car in on his driveway and created a huge scene (for all hus neighbours) where she made out I was the OW and trying to steal her family. Except… I wasn’t the OW.

What actually provoked this toxic drama was that her boyfriend had just dumped her. That would be the boyfriend that she had an affair with - the affair that was grounds for their divorce.

Stupidly I let myself be persuaded that this wasn’t entirely in character for her. With hindsight it was an enormous red flag. I should have recognised it and acted accordingly.

But I was naive and foolish. I didn’t realise that it was a truly nightmare exW who would be an enormous problem in my life. I didn’t realise what effects that can have. Or that he’d fail to challenge her and make excuses for her. Or that he’d somehow switch the blame so that I was in the wrong for objecting to this drama.

I didn’t know. I couldn’t you see. None of my relationships had involved anything like this!

@SoggyPaper I can empathise with that. Dps ex is a revolting human being, however at the beginning she seemed a lovely normal woman and in fact he had told me she was. They co parented amicably and had split mutually, the perfect scenario. As soon as she could see we were serious she lost her shit. She threatened us both, she verbally and physically abused dp, she had my car window smashed she stopped him seeing dss intermittently. She's been nothing short of vile and I genuinely believed perhaps she was hurt and she'd calm down. She had told him she wanted him back in amongst the abuse and that she was certain he'd go back and they'd get married and I was a phase. Almost ten years later she's still a viscious twat. She still tries to ruin things for us and spreads nasty rumours. She can't see what she's done to her child but even if she did I don't think she'd care, it's all worth it to her to get to us.

She sounds dire @Catfordthefifth.

It just makes no sense at all. There no upside to it for anyone. And, even if there were, it couldn’t be worth all the effort that goes into causing trouble for other people.

I don’t have the energy for something as stupid as a decade long campaign of vindictiveness. How does anyone?

I really don't know @SoggyPaper I really couldn't be arsed. I'd want to move on with my life, it's no surprise she hadn't. I wouldn't want to be with someone whos main focus was hating their ex. She must be truly miserable. She must get some kind of weird satisfaction out of it or else why would she do it. Who knows.

I kind of reason with myself that I'll just never get it, alongside serial killers, violent crime etc. I can't imagine doing any of that either!

How do you deal with DSC when they are rude to you? DSD created her bedroom rules at the weekend and told me and DP that they only apply when I'm there (I live there fgs). DP turned it into her trying to joke (so did I tbf as if it didn't matter what she said to take away her power at this point) but she meant it, she came over to me with her head held high and said 'see? This is what you get!'
She also engineered a situation where she was playing in the kitchen and the doors were closed (can't see through them), once she overheard I was walking and getting close to the kitchen, she ran to the door, I've opened it slowly and she bursted in tears how much I have hurt her. The door hardly touched her. DP was having a shower so didn't see it.
Then we lay on the bed talking, DP and I next to him. She ran into the bedroom and jumped right next to him on the other side trying to cuddle him and move me away. When doing so, she was trying to push my hand away by using her elbow and once she touched me and she thought DP wasn't looking she screamed and said omg! You're hurting me blackOrWhite!! Luckily DP saw what she was doing and told her that it was her pushing me away and I haven't even touched her.

This is madness. I would never hurt a child but why lie! She is clearly desperate that I'm gone. DP seems to have his head screwed on for most of the time and apart from her sitting in the front car seat he keeps her straight and disciplined, but he is also very protective of her so I guess by engineering situations where I 'hurt' her she is trying to put a wedge between us.

Wanted to work on this relationship, even living separately, so does DP and he adjusts and makes changes but If she continues doing this, I'm not sure how much longer it is going to last.

@blackOrWhite how old is she ? If nearing the age of 8 I swear that's the hideous age where some kids go through bad periods of lying.

Your spot on though she's trying to engineering a wedge between you and DP. That said my godsons tried this once and his mum laughted and said candles hasn't moved from where she was sitting she did not leap across the room and hit you on the head within 2seconds, don't lie. He never did it again. He also lost his PlayStation for lying.

Take away something she likes, I would sadly also avoid being on your own if you can with her until this is sorted. Esp if the relationship with mum is contentious. It won't stop her saying it but it will mean there was witness to what's actually happened.

I would also speak to DP and say look I'm worried because if she says this to mum or school - ss can get involved and cause issues. He's gotta be backing you up 110% or she will get what she wants.

To the new house rules situation I would have responded "hunny this is my house and as a adult me and your DH make the rules, not children and if you break them your gonna lose (insert whatever they like x) I don't usually discipline but down right disrespect I will shut down fast or I speak to DH and he does it. Make sure you keep using and DH using the word we, language is important with kids.

I'm sorry your even having to consider any of this tbh. 🍷

Thanks @candlesandpitchforks

She is 9.
Hopefully she will stop soon once she gets the message it doesn't work. I did say to her that adults get to set rules in the house, and children need to follow them through. It was fully backed by DP. She was stunned and hasn't said a word, just walked away to a different room.

Other than that she has never had to have anything taken away from her, she is listening and behaving well generally.

I'm sorry you have had some similar from your nephew.

I've ordered and started reading the stepmonster book. @SoggyPaper recommended it on another thread. And I have to say it is a real eye opener! But if I read it last year, I wouldn't have an idea what the author is talking about. No problems back then at all.

@blackOrWhite definitely don't be alone with her. If this means your partner having to follow her around then so be it.

I would also try and think of what could be causing this as she is only 8 and has very little control over her life. Has anything changed for her recently that could make her be feeling insecure?

I would take a step back from being involved with the parenting of her (which is dull anyway) and maybe get your partner to give her some one on one time. Maybe him taking her out to dinner on her own or something. I am sure her behaviour will improve if your partner demonstrates the he has enough love for both of you and that you aren't a threat to her.

from a stepparents perspective it would be better if there were no holidays ever

yup!! Been here big time!

I used to post a lot on here for advice but agree it was so vitriolic and anti step-mum.

i thought i might give it another go, so hello to you all! You are warriors to still be on this journey!!! X

@stepmumspacepodcast hi 👋🏻 welcome it's a bit bonkers on the board at the mo

I always think that if you have a contentious ex in background contact holidays ect should be written in blood because it seems to take the heat out of the situation but also you don't have this Disney dad fear induced bollocks.

This weekend’s stepparenting crap…

H and I are separated. Largely because of him and his attitude to everything. This is his contact weekend with the SC. He’s already demanded that he’s seeing our DS tomorrow as it’s fathers’ day.

Today he’s messaged me to say he’d like to take DS to a funfair this afternoon. And would I like to come too. I said I’d come but I would not be looking after the SC for him. His response was that I’d ‘only have to stand next to them’ while he went on rides and if I wasn’t doing that he’d just take DS.

The bastard clearly thought: I won’t be able to go on rides at the funfair. Oh I know. I’ll invite Fishcake, she can watch them so I can go on rides’. Yes. He invited me as childcare. And for that purpose only.

it will surprise precisely no one here to know that his feeling of entitlement to my nanny and housekeeping services because I married him was one of the big factors in the separation. What a reminder that he’s learned nothing and is actually just selfish.

He’s awful. Now he’s refusing to wait 30 minutes to pick up DS because he’s an arsehole.

No recognition that he’s demanding I give up my afternoon with my son. Just some claim that he’s ‘sacrificing’ being able to take primary school children on rides because he’ll be looking after a toddler. Which only reinforces the fact that he wanted me there to make it easier for him because I was the childcare.

Apparently I’m just weird for not watching them. And causing ‘drama’.

it’s pure misogyny.

I'll give you one more chance to be reasonable.

You can come with us and, maybe, stand next to SD and/or SS for a ride or two, or you can throw around bizarre allegations and I'll see my son at 2pm, which I've every right to do regardless of yet more plans you make without me concerning him, and I'll show him a good time without you.

Your response please.

this is seriously what I’m getting.

My ‘bizarre allegations’ were:

• that he only invited me so I’d look after his kids
• that I’m not his childcare
• that I wasn’t willing to be alone with them because it leaves me open to them lying and me being vilified for which there is history)

And apparently it’s unacceptable for me to make any plans at all. DS and I should sit in suspended animation at all times waiting for him to demand our services.

Can I join? Been a SM for 7 years thought it would get easier but as the SDC get older there's just new and different challenges, I think I'm near my limit but that won't go down well and I dare not post on the step parenting boards after j did a year or so ago and got told that I'm a wicked witch and my poor neglected step children because I wouldn't look after them on their DM night when my DP was working and I didn't have my own DC because our kitchen was ripped out and the josie wasn't really habitable but according to the boards I should of made it okay and brought them a take away and done what their DM wanted

Definitely talk to us, @NightOwl101.

im currently the evil SM who won’t provide childcare to facilitate a poor, martyred father spending one to one time with each of his children at the funfair. I’m awful because I won’t provide babysitting services so he can go on rides with an 8 year old without her younger brother.

So apparently he’s invited a friend instead, to look after his kids for him. I bet he hasn’t made that expectation clear to the friend.

certainly the friend hasn’t had years of scapegoating and vilification around the children. So might be more willing to help him out.

Doesnt look like it though as hes giving me ‘one last chance’ to do the decent thing and be his babysitter.

Thing is, you’d have been in the wrong regardless because there was no proper kitchen. How dare you not provide the required levels of service as childcare to their parents.

Well how dare you not be free childcare, sometimes the entitlement is shocking.

I was wrong for saying no, I would of been wrong for not having a proper environment for them and that's forgetting the fact we choose that date and arranged it so we wouldn't have any DC home.

That's just the tip of the iceberg to be honest. It's hard to have my own boundaries with what I will and won't accept because their not my DC

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander so basically he only invited your son so you would go as well to look after your younger DSC while he went on rides with your older DSC? I'm sure you'll have some people thinking you're evil for not facilitating it because "won't somebody think of the chiiildren" while conveniently ignoring your ex could just have easily asked DSC mother to come instead of you (or maybe he has and she's also told him to get lost?). Entitled fucker.

It’s absolutely awful.

My H literally refuses to see that his children are his responsibility. Not mine. It’s not my job to facilitate him having one to one time with them. Nor to look after them so he can have one to one time with our DS.

They get two to one time with him regularly. They’re full siblings. That’s life. If he wants one to one time with them, he could negotiate that with his ex or get a babysitter. He could start by acknowledgment it is babysitting for him and a favour.

He can have one to one time with our DS when he doesn’t have them. He could try being grateful for the fact that me looking after our DS means he get two to one time with the other children at all. Otherwise he’d have a toddler to accommodate and wouldn’t be able to do loads of things his primary school aged children want to do.

He could be grateful for the fact that me
looming after DS (and his ex having the SC) gives him time to himself, to go to they gym, to travel for work, to go on nights out.

but he’s not. Instead he feels utterly entitled to my childcare services. And dismisses any objection as ‘drama’, which is a classic misogynist tactic for dismissing women’s legitimate complaints.