Support cafe for step parents

[candlesandpitchforks]

Starting a new one as other seems to have dropped into oblivion.

How we all doing ? Some of you might recognise me as the poster who had v traumatic pregnancy and I can confirm my baby boy arrived and is currently doing well ! Thank god it was bit touch and go but hurrah for NHS.

Also just me or has there been some really bonkers comments on this board of late ?

No it's not it's just people who take the piss hate boundaries. Your entitled for space for yourself mum or step mum.

He's utterly ridiculous. Scared in case they tell mum?! So basically he'd rather put mum's feelings over yours.

@blackOrWhite i had the same thing when I tried to set boundaries, becoming enemy no 1, but I’m not even talking about firm boundaries... it was things like asking for the toilet to be flushed... and a response like I was really unreasonable... DSC getting upset and DH seeing DSC was upset and responding as if I had done something wrong. And it wasn’t like I was telling DSC off, just asking if the toilet could be flushed... at the time I didn’t even realise how ridiculous it was

Name change @candlesandpitchforks

@MarmaladeLime
He's a scared of her stopping them from coming cause he tells them no, he has a wee boy to her to at 14 they split up after that she only wanted him back cause she wanted another baby and once she got over the 3 months she ended it.

It was later established he was running home telling mum things nothing bad just like if they could not do this or that, I told him not to infront of dad as its are home snd his mum has no say in what goes on in it, and if he has a problem to speak to us. Told him different house different rules, like his mum let's him drink get drunk under her roof told him I can't stop him from drinking but it won't be happening under my roof he was not happy, let's him drink but he not allowed to be in the house by himself lol.

@Notmyzoonotmymonkeys got you don't worry. Aghhhh we have had threatening contact but I have to say you have to nip it in the bud before DSD realises it's a weapon too. Sounds like it's started but not as directly as it can do

It's going to court getting contact provision set in stone a option ? Also hopefully DH is on birth certificate? Sadly in many cases you have to call their bluff because this is about retaining control.

Non of that sounds right tbh, can you be the voice of encouragement for DSD independence?

I think this is large part of why so many ex's take the huff when a new baby comes along. They are no longer The Mother of His Child/ren they are A Mother of Children.
It's easier to piss off the woman who is "just the current GF/DW) than it is to piss off The Mother of His Child, so that's what frequently ends up happening.
Perfectly demonstrated by this muppet.

That's so true for me. The Ex was perfectly fine with me being GF...tolerated me being new wife but as soon as DC came along she really started trying to assert pressure and think of new things DH had to do. Almost like she was challenging him not to forget his other children now DC was here.

I’m not with him @candlesandpitchforks. We have been living separately for 9 months now. We were trying to see if there was a way to keep things together but no. It’s finished now though. He’s behaved entirely dreadfully in this. Remarkably cruelly actually.

I agree that so much of this crap is about control and hierarchy. It’s so common for the ex to be fine til she decides it’s a threat to her (or her children as extensions of her). My SC’s mother started pulling truly awful shit when we bought a house together and that gave her children a considerably better quality of life than she could afford. Rather than raising her own aspirations she elected to cause trouble instead.

I also think that for too many men the exW remains a priority in weird ways. The decide it’s easier to piss off or poorly treat their partner than to poke the exW bear. What they’re really prioritising is what feels easiest for them though. Not the children. Not the exW. Certainly not their partners.

i think Disney dad behaviour is similar. It IS about guilt but it’s a hugely damaging response to guilt. It’s doing what feels easiest to them in relation to their own feelings. It’s not what’s good for the children or the household. And it’s reinforced by the whole wider world saying it’s so understandable and ‘the poor children need compensation for their broken home’ , etc. Which protects him from having to face things and recognise he’s acting only on his needs and wants, not anyone else’s.

My awful ex is currently accusing me of plotting to murder him by poisoning him with peanuts.

This is exactly the kind of weird painting himself as a victim thing he does.

the reality is that he’s announced he wants to see DS tonight. So that means coming to my house at dinner time. I said that he can eat with DS (because I’m not having DS eat alone when it can be a normal social experience). So he’s claiming he can’t eat the dinner I make because he fears I’m trying to kill him. 🙄

This is a man who can’t just be grateful. He has to accuse me of something.

I assume it’s all projection of the way he thinks and would operate.

@SoggyPaper thank god your no longer with this imbecile. I would be sorely tempted to cook something with peanuts for him tbh ... obviously don't do that but honestly he sounds mad.

I don't like arm chair psychotherapy but it does sound like to me (your ex has a personality disorder) everyone can be a bit narcissistic but this is next level stuff

I told him to come after dinner if he was in fear of his life. And perhaps to report my murder plot to the police.

DS and I have had a perfectly nice dinner without him. 😁 No peanuts. Obviously. Because I just don’t cook with them.

The other thing is that he has a MILD peanut allergy. He’s accidentally eaten stuff with peanuts in it loads of times. No trip to the hospital even. Just some piriton and complaining.

Which makes it all even more ridiculous!

When people gaslight you they are trying to make you feel like the crazy one but he's nuts (no pun intended)

Also the film gaslight is very good !! Therapeutic even !

If you were going to kill someone it wouldn't be with their obvious and known allergy and not in front of their child

Joining! I'm a long term poster with many name changes. I'm currently fuming because we have minimal to do with the ex now (thank fuck!) And little to do with DSS (his own choice and to be honest I can't be arsed fighting for any relationship with anyone anymore). However there has been drama recently because ex demanded the passport I bought for dss (she has never taken him abroad) because she can't possibly afford to get a new one with her massive chunk of maintenance each month, but seemingly she can afford to go abroad as she's currently sunning herself on a nice child free holiday.

Why does karma not get these arseholes?

Congratulations @candlesandpitchforks I hope you and your baby are doing well today.

@Catfordthefifth I like to think there's no such thing as Karma otherwise it would mean I've been a thundering arsehole at some point in order to deserve the crap I've had to endure over the past few years!!

Yeah same I suppose! And I definitely haven't. I've taken the moral highground for nigh on ten years and it's gotten me fucking nowhere!

No. Especially when DS has an appointment with the pediatric department at the hospital to investigate what a food allergy I’m struggling to isolate. I’m not going to feed him peanuts right now given there’s a family history of that allergy!

Bonkers.

Me too. I don’t think I did something to deserve this shit.

It irritates me no end as well this myth that women cannot be psychos and dp must have made it all up and I cannot possibly know the full story when this woman literally mentally tortured me for years. We get married soon and I'm actually a bit concerned she might rock up. The in laws are still pally with her so she'll know what's happening down to the last detail and it unnerves me.

I'm sorry you lovely ladies are struggling.

I'm technically out the other side but I had the most vivid dream last night that I finally snapped and told DSC's mum exactly what I think of her, it's left me feeling pretty unsettled and thinking why the heck did I put myself through so much shit? It almost makes me feel like walking away from DH so I can try and forget that part of my life ever existed and but I know I'd be cutting off my nose to spite my face. I just wish I could move on from the trauma of it all. But hey, I knew exactly what I was getting into 🙄