Support cafe for step parents

[candlesandpitchforks]

Starting a new one as other seems to have dropped into oblivion.

How we all doing ? Some of you might recognise me as the poster who had v traumatic pregnancy and I can confirm my baby boy arrived and is currently doing well ! Thank god it was bit touch and go but hurrah for NHS.

Also just me or has there been some really bonkers comments on this board of late ?

Re coming home not long enough another 3 days.

@SpaceshiptoMars agghh I'm with you my name I don't doubt will be mud but I honestly don't give a Fuck at this point (evil step mother like I know)

Re living arrangements we have a carvan and land which we can put it on and they can go to, sometimes they do already but I think my DSD thinks it's a treat and feeds into the whole I want daddy away from candles and obviously might have sparked this whole thing off. Also then the other two kids miss out on DH time and I'm living like a single parent ?

Problem is if she manages to separate the house like that then we are literally showing she can act like this and essentially get rewarded and one step closer to reuniting mum and dad. And to be honest the Nero diverange doesn't explain the cruelty element or the total and utter lack of empathy . But I can't and won't put my children at risk. Talk about rock and hard place. I'm considering getting cameras installed. That's how mad this is.

She essentially said today I don't want to be part of this family, it makes me sad,you can't make me so dad get back with mum 😭 because we said we are a unit and this isn't acceptable behaviour... this is bonkers and it's really only kicked off in escalation since I was pregnant. She was manageable before but she's explained that's because she thought oh they will split up and the world will begin to revert back to focusing on me mum and dad back together yadada

Both mum and dad have said look we love you and care for each other but there isn't a chance in hell that will get back together and then she really did everything in her power to spoil any fun times.

We are going to have a giant family meeting (mum included) because the lying is getting out of hand. She openly says she lies to her mum because she mum isn't very smart (her words said in front of DH, her aunty, my mum and others) thank fuck

I have said that I cannot continue to overlook this. I think to add to the feelings of conflict DSD does genuinely like me but openly my presence causes her pain.

Word to the wise never fucking go on holiday with steps again. She's openly happy when we argue and unhappy when we are happy.

I'm starting to worry she's got sociathic tendencies and so is DH (I really should horrible now) but what can a psychologist do if that's the case. She lies so freely her current one is a tad useless in that regard

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

I would think child endangerment might be beyond a general psychologist? This is specialist stuff, surely? Wasn't entirely joking about the caravan - she needs to sleep where she doesn't have access to the little ones. Cameras don't bring people back. Drowned is drowned.

If she wants Mum and Dad back together again, she'll be working both ends of this. What is she doing at Mum's house to mess with them? Does Mum have any younger children there to worry about?

I'd also want to find out whether she is simply trying to scare you all - or whether she has serious intent. Is there any psychosis in the mix? The ND aspect is a psychiatrist's job if medication is needed - and repeatedly pulling a small child underwater sounds like that too.

What is she trying to do? Is it blackmail? ie, I'll keep terrifying you all until you agree to reform the original family.

Or is she psychotic, and the little ones are in immediate lethal danger - and she's rationalizing it as she flips in and out of psychosis?

I agree that specialist child psychiatric input is crucial here. It’s beyond a bit of counselling.

There is a serious issue and the younger children are at risk. it’s escalated from being cruel to an animal (with the explicit intent to upset you, if I recall correctly) to cruelty and attempts to harm your young children. Again with the intent to hurt people and get her own way. It’s seriously worrying stuff.

If CAMHS are rubbish (I assume they will be), you DH really needs to prioritise paying for a private psychiatrist. His daughter needs proper diagnosis and care. And it needs to be properly risk assessed to keep your children safe.

As @SpaceshiptoMars says, cameras aren’t enough. Right now it has to be impossible for her to access anyone she might harm. To protect your children, and to protect her from herself.

Probably more of the former rather than the latter.

I think she does most things out of being unhappy combined with having 0 empathy which if I'm honest I don't credit entirely to being non NT although repeatedly told it's common.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander I think that's the avenue we are going to go down, that said I'm not sure how to find someone so specialised and also I'm not sure what's classification it would come into. Money doesn't matter (that makes me sounds flippant and incredibly up self but money won't be a concern here) I just need to find out someone that knows how to handle it.

@SpaceshiptoMars I will keep them separate re living wise although the worst part of this means that my DC are kept away from DH and DSD is rewarded if that makes sense.

The count down is on.

Maybe your husband should consider how ‘rewarding’ her will exacerbate this and factor it into his plans.

it may be time for him to be crystal clear about boundaries and acceptable behaviour. Threatening and hurting half siblings will not mean she gets what she wants. That is unacceptable behaviour and, if she cannot behave in ways that are SAFE for people, contact will have to be more limited.

That alongside the psychiatric input (and in conjunction with it) may be really important. She got her way with the dog. She needs to not get her way here. For her own future well-being and life as well as everyone around her. It’s not ‘rejecting her because she’s got problems’. It’s actually part of helping her with those problems.

She can see that dad still makes time for her but it’s limited because he needs to keep his younger children safe. She can be explicitly shown that acting in ways that are dangerous to other people have consequences in terms of what you can do, where you can go.

In terms of finding help, your husband should see the GP and be very honest. They can provide private referrals rather than sitting in the CAMHS triage system. If no joy, I’d call social services and report the safeguarding concerns you have about her escalating behaviour and the risk to your children. Tell them she was purposefully trying to drown her younger half siblings and told you that it was to get rid of them so her parents would get back together. That’s serious and they should take notice. She may need multiagency intervention. And the safeguarding issues mean that her mother’s denial is a risk factor that has to be managed to safeguard all the children involved.

IME ND children may struggle to display empathy in recognisable or acceptable ways but not experiencing it at all is not typical of neurodiversity. All the ND children and adults I know have capacity for empathy - sometimes to the extent they are troubled by it, or (in the case of my nephew) driven to self-loathing and suicide ideation because he recognises his behaviour (which he can’t control) is harming people.

absolutely no empathy or remorse are not traits of any ND condition. It’s very common for people with ND to have co-existing conditions and it looks like psychiatric input around exploring anti-social personality disorder (and similar) may be warranted here.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

I would make sure it doesn't feel like a reward. If DH is truly raging, he is not going to hold back, verbally, on the likely consequences of this behaviour not stopping right here, right now. Special ed, secure units, etc.

One of my friends removed every unnecessary item from the DD's bedroom, one by one, until compliance was achieved. The last thing to go was the door The bed had gone earlier.

There were grimmer consequences in my youth, but no harm comes from removing all cake, sweets and sugar from the diet. No chips, no pizza, etc.

If you can find out what reddit/tik toks she's on, you might get a clue as to whether she's following instructions on detonating her second family....

I also doubt very much that getting the original family back together again is the end of the dream. My guess is there's a fantasy of forever with two parent slaves at her beck and call, no work to worry about, and a lifetime of gaming and horseriding if she can swing it! (And why do I think that, you may well wonder.....)

@SpaceshiptoMars wait what there's TikTok's and Reddit threads about exploding second families ... you have got to be kidding.

I'm now a little concerned. She spends time on these platforms...

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander that's a very good idea thank you I really have no idea

Also just a little note to say to all of you thank you ! You have really helped save my sanity !

Best of luck @

Sorry trying again..
Best of luck @pitchforksandflamethrowers

Also what happened in your case @SpaceshiptoMars eventually?
Asking as in my case early teens DSD has already said that she’s planning to live off DP..

@pitchforksandflamethrowers
I know my experience is nothing compared to what you're going through but I too would caution against the caravan being seen as a reward.
When exdp chose to see his dc exclusively in their town in the house he had maintained there it was the beginning of the end. Rather than being 'reprimanded' for their rudeness to me & my dc they in effect got rewarded & got exactly what they wanted - their dad to themselves. Subsequently they were even more rude anytime they saw me or my dc. There was absolutely no consequences to their behaviours.
Obviously you have massive safeguarding issues here but pp's are spot on in saying that more consequences are needed to counterbalance what dsd will inevitably see as A Win.
I know lots of ND kids and honestly this behaviour is not that of a ND child - it's something far beyond that.
Is this the sdc who was asking you (a new mum) when you were going to have another baby or am I mixing up posts completely (peri menopausal brain off here)?

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

Re reddits and tiktok. Don't know whether 'how to blow your new family up' is a distinct category, but I do know there is stuff where kids complain they're not getting their way with something - and are advised to threaten suicide to bring the olds into line..... They've unionized. It isn't funny.

@Bonheurdupasse

First we repeatedly stated expectations and made clear that our time outside of nursing homes was limited. Then we dropped everything else and did intensive career prep. Finding something, anything, that wasn't an outright no. Drilling down on practicalities, CV writing skills, shoehorning them into voluntary work and night school to get something on the CV. Then interview prep, including mock interviews, jobhunting with them etc etc. Lots of networking and, in the end, luck. Still got everything crossed it doesn't fall apart, and scaffolding in place to help keep it together. DSC is quite a different person these days, it's remarkable.

If you're starting younger, make career possibilities and pros and cons of each part of the mealtime conversation.

DSD asked me before I was pregnant to have another baby (she knew I had a lost prior because her mother told her) so we didn't think this would be such a issue. It was a issue for DH and her mum because DSD at the time had said no to a sibling (so was very young) but everyone seemed to take heart in the fact she asked for it.

I'm not sure why she did if I'm completely honest given the actions we have seen.
Most bizarre of all, for it to happen on holiday. Of all places, I'm not naive she's never ever hurt my DD before this holiday because DD always tell a me about everything being 3 and ratting out everything aka (dishwasher hurt me - because she walked into it)

But I can't remember for the life of me if I posted about it. I posted about the dog.

I suspect although maybe wrong that this holiday was first time she saw us as a true unit maybe also real boundaries being put in place aka you cannot go down to dinner in your pjs you have worn for 3 days straight. She's sulked, that didn't work so upped the anity.

When she spoke to mum and dad she seemed very upset that they weren't saying yes we will get back together. I think she thought it all would be a happy accident parent trap style.

She's sulking in the room currently. Refusing to come down and we have left her there. No pleading and begging and tbh I'm grateful she isn't here tbh everyone can relax without being stared at for hours on end and then when she's asked what's wrong she either says she's bored or fine and large huff. I high tanks the day for everyone.

I really can't stress about this hotel has ps4, Xbox's so many tvs games, the teen snack bar, there is so much to do is bloody amazing. But she's copped the arse because I have taken away horse riding.

Never again. Some kids would kill for this and frankly I try to give the kids everything I didn't have growing up. I was really bloody poor as a child, really really poor, and I'm shocked at the entitlement coming from this 13 year old. My 3/4 year old is more grateful.

I sound horrible but I wouldn't have had another child if I had thought this would be a thing. I was told repeatedly with the dog that DSD was scared of dogs and it's because she's NT by her therapist that's why she did what she did and she knows it was wrong. I think deep down I thought this isn't right, but had to keep the dog safe as I could never trust her again. Even though people all around telling me the sky was actually yellow I knew it was blue deep down.

Enlightening she takes all arguments back to her mum, which I suspect is part of the plan !

Even with help my worry is she can never be trusted around the kids can she ? And it will be intensive I will make sure of that .When will we know to trust her or will she just get more sly (v evil thought) I personally don't think I will ever be able to do it. I don't know what that means for my marriage.

Christ can you imagine if I posted this on aibu 😂😭 I don't know if I should laugh or cry at the thought !

@SpaceshiptoMars 😂😂😂 I think I would love you in rl this made me spit out my cocktail and snort with laugh 😂 I'm gonna go have a look online.

I don't doubt that will be next step which is why I'm worried she needs someone who really knows what's going on 😭

The actual situation isn’t funny but ‘they’ve unionised!’ made me laugh @SpaceshiptoMars.

There is a lot of very depressing stuff online. And it has very undesirable effects on people’s lives. My DS watches a lot of YouTube and TikTok. I try to monitor it (mostly stupid video game walkthroughs on YouTube) but it’s not that easy and I do worry about what he might be exposed to.

That said I had a little Google and came across this thread https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ui07wi/aitaforrtellingmyyparentstoogetbackkto_their/

Like looking into my future and to be fair people have the SC some really fair decent advice.

Reddit seems more balanced

As regards empathy and neurodiversity... From my experience, the inborn type of empathy is what is limited. However, particularly for DSC, understanding is bringing another type of empathy into play. It seems that emotional development has been massively delayed, but now it has begun, progress is astonishing. We've been lucky in finding a very gifted therapist with an innate understanding of ASD issues.

I think it’s that people with ASD can often struggle with emotional or compassionate empathy - although for many people the struggle is to do with being overwhelmed by or struggling to process emotional empathy, rather than not having the capacity for it.

But many ND can have great skills in cognitive empathy - seeing things from another’s point of view. Or they can learn techniques and tools to help with this.

Its very different from the kind of absence of empathy (or no concern for it) that allows cruelty and manipulation. In fact, many high functioning psychopaths are brilliant at cognitive empathy - they can see another’s perspective very easily and well. The problem is that they are motivated to use that to harm the person or to get what they want. They don’t care or feel responsibility towards other people in the way most people do.