Feeling pushed out

[blackOrWhite]

I wonder if you could advise how to deal with it? Is this normal?

My partner's daughter is 9. Our relationship was great until we have moved in together (been together a few years).

Since we moved in together DP decided he wants to have DD here every weekend and every evening when he isn't at work. He works shifts. His ex is happy with it. But that means we don't get a time for just the two of us. None. We used to do so much at the weekends even being at home, we used to go to bed at 3am but now his DD is here all the time, dynamics are completely different, she goes to bed around 11pm and lights out, can't even watch a movie because I'm told it would be too loud. DP started going to bed at the same time as her and I'm spending Saturday nights on my own.

I have spoken to him about it and he says he understands my pov but nothing changed. I don't mind her being here, and I'm not going to say I don't want here here but I still want my relationship as it was. Everything changed so much. We still could spend Saturday nights together when she is asleep, I would like to think?

I can't make pancakes, oh because DD would love to make them, I can't bake anything on my own because DD wants too. I can't put washing on or take it off the line because oh DD will to do it tomorrow. I can't put dishes away from the dryer because DD is going to do it later. I can't sit in the front passenger seat in the car because DD wants to sit next to daddy. We picked her up yesterday and she started moaning and crying why she has to sit in the back, that her place is in the front and DP said of course no problem, then he pulled the car over and told me to swap.
Do you sit in the back of the car when DSC are with you?

Thank you for reading. I needed to vent after another lonely Saturday night and a week full of this.

Go on the trip alone. Then move into your own flat. His motto is that you should Put Up and Shut Up he just isn't actually saying those words.
You are staff op.
Just staff.
Take control of your life and get rid.

You are just a glorified housekeeper/ childminder.

I hope one of the flats is suitable and available for you . Does he know your plans?
I wouldn't be going away with them .

You’re not blackmailing him by laying out some expectations and boundaries.

He sounds very manipulative and he’s made it clear he’s not going to change.

I have 3 daughters and 9 is a relatively easy age, compared to the teen years.

Leave now. If he loved you he’d try to ensure you also felt nurtured and appreciated, not accuse you of blackmail and make you sit in the back of the car.

How unfortunate that you have a work/ family emergency just the day before you're due to leave _ don't say anything earlier than that or he might try to change the date. This gives you a few days alone and you can get all your important paperwork together ready for leaving.
I know it seems a bit underhand but he seems a very entitled man, used to getting his own way ,and they can turn very nasty when they realize you're leaving.

Have you moved out yet OP?

Yeh I wouldn't be going away with them. Let him crack on. He sounds odd. You are better off without him.

I would let them go alone, they will have a lovely time, you will feel pushed to one side. I would prioritise moving out. I wouldn't discuss it much further, it feels as though he doesn't want to see it. I would say short and pity statements like 'living together is not working for me'.

You do not want this for your future, your needs will always come last.

hi op , well being as hes making it clear that nothings changing and you are the bad one in all this of course its not wrong to pull out now , theres no bloody way in hell id go now hes made it clear how he expects it to be , and if he doesnt like it tough
it most likely wont be pleasant and once you get your own place you will feel so much better , the irony probably will be he wont be any happier once your gone though , my ex wasnt , i thought when i left i was doing them both a favour as his son could then command his dads 24 hour attention without having to give me dirty looks every 2 minutes and my ex wouldnt be moaning about me pressuresing him about his son as he put it , but nope didnt work out like that at all
within a 6 months of me leaving he told me when i went over to get some of my paperwork he had cut the sons visits down to every other wk end instead of every single one as he said it was too much in his words and he never got any time to himself 😂 aaand a year after that when i chanced into him again he told me the visits stopped altogether as he couldnt cope with his sons constant need for attention and spoilt behaviour , i wanted to bloody laugh and laugh , obviously when he wanted time for himself he could cut the visits back , but when i wanted it now and then i wasnt worthy enough 🤔go figure that out . he then said he missed what we had and wanted to know if we could try again , i politely made my excuses when i really wanted to ask what exactly it was he thought we had , his recollection must be way diff to mine , he got stroppy and his exact words to me never forgotten were , you dont want to know me do you ?

well no mate you manipulated me into giving up everything to move in with you including my town and job , made my life a general misery , and you need to ask me this question . it was pathetic really and whereby i once resented him and still do , i now feel generally sorry for him .

it just never turns out how you think it will sometimes when you walk away

It is not advised to have an under 12 sit in the front of a car.Maybe show your partner the guidelines about car safety.

First of all how wise you are to post on mumsnet about this so that you gain the ability to see what's really happening here.

Secondly how lucky you are that you have the choice to let go & leave.

Thirdly this man certainly does not love his DD - the poor girl is just a tool he uses to get his own way which is probably why his relationship with her mother ended.

He's a really bad father. He lies. He manipulates. Someone like this will never have any positive influence in your life.

Have a look at the freedom programme online to gain some knowledge about what abuse looks like.

Let them go alone, he can have some quality time with his dc with no arguments around who sits in the front

I think that is absolutely fantastic this trip is planned, that would give you the time to pack and move your stuff out of the house without distractions and dramas while they are away.

I wouldn’t be making fake excuses or lie to avoid going away. Just tell him that you need time to move out re evaluate the situation on your own and it would be better if he and DD go and make the best of the holiday in their own

By the way, just to add more food for thought at the sort of relationship he has with his DD. She is still a child but very much his partner, once teenage kicks in he would get more protective, jealous, etc. Some sexual abuse may also start, so get the hell out of there before it happens, it may be that he loves her too much to mess up with her but then, she is still the wife and you might become just the sexual object he uses to avoid touching her.

I met a guy who at first I thought was a fantastic dad until I realised they were a “couple”. At some point he told me that for him his DD was his life and his partner, but he was looking for a women his age just to deal with his sexual needs. I think you have a similar setting, please don’t be that woman.

i agree with what you have said here about using the child as well . and in my experiance once i left my ex changed all the contact he had with his kid , looking back it was like he kept it all the way it was to bloody spite me , will be interesting to see if this man is still cuddling up to his 9 year old every weekend till 11 pm watching movies when the op leaves and he cant rub it in her face

within a 6 months of me leaving he told me when i went over to get some of my paperwork he had cut the sons visits down to every other wk end instead of every single one as he said it was too much in his words and he never got any time to himself 😂

@hellrabbitishere no way!! That's so weird! Did he expect you to be his childcare too? That's so telling he changed the full schedule once you left him! We used to have her every second full weekend and it was so much better.

He doesn't know I'm planning to move out. He knows I'm not happy and he thinks I'm really depressed and see everything in dark colours, hence my constant moaning.
I do challenge him all the time and he hates it.

Said to me last night I don't need to ruin yet another night on talking about negative crap. Well yeah, I didn't ask to be put through this shit in the first place and there is never a good enough time to talk about it apparently! There is so many of them. I wanted to sit down with him and make a plan what we are going to do to fix all of them. You see? ME. He has got a child, should he not be doing it and hope we can still be together?? His DD wouldn't need to go though us breaking up. Nothing sensible comes out of his mouth and it seems there are only my problems as he is perfectly happy...

yes it was most amusing , but no he didnt expect me to be childcare bacause his son resented me and didnt want much to do with me , just kind of silently made it clear hed rather i hadnt been there , it was more i think to do with he had admitted to me once that he found his son hard work as he put it , i could tell that sometimes he found it wearying having a child that demanded constant attention at the age of 8 going on 9 because he was suffering the effects of his parents divorce and when i was at least there and he was having a rare break from entertaining him incessently he could at least speak to me , oh and i was there for the drudgery of the housework on the week as well , once i removed myself from it , he had to do all his own shit , plus he was on his own then his son there every weekend to entertain 24/7 whilst he was there , he just couldnt bloody hack it , one funny thing he said to me though was on the time i bumped into him a few years later , his son was still visiting him although now was 13 , the visits stopped about a year after that i think , he had taken him to a pub and the waitress who served them the food made it a bit clear to my ex she rather liked him, whereupon his 13 yr old son ,got up and sat on his dads lap 😂😂 and yet when id tried to tell him his child needed counselling i was dismissed as not knowing what i was talking about , if thats not a sign of a child with issues i dont know what is , and it doesnt get better for not getting dealt with , id have to pay my 14 year old with cash to sit on my lap

i wouldnt keep speaking to him about it , i mean its clear you arent really getting anywhere with him , its not like hes even listening to you at this point

" I wouldnt keep speaking to him about it , i mean its clear you arent really getting anywhere with him , its not like hes even listening to you at this point"

I agree with this @hellrabbitishere

OP I don't think he has any bandwidth to consider your needs. There's pretty much no point in having the conversation. Just tread water until you are out. You deserve better.