Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

Feeling pushed out

193 replies

blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 08:29

I wonder if you could advise how to deal with it? Is this normal?

My partner's daughter is 9. Our relationship was great until we have moved in together (been together a few years).

Since we moved in together DP decided he wants to have DD here every weekend and every evening when he isn't at work. He works shifts. His ex is happy with it. But that means we don't get a time for just the two of us. None. We used to do so much at the weekends even being at home, we used to go to bed at 3am but now his DD is here all the time, dynamics are completely different, she goes to bed around 11pm and lights out, can't even watch a movie because I'm told it would be too loud. DP started going to bed at the same time as her and I'm spending Saturday nights on my own.

I have spoken to him about it and he says he understands my pov but nothing changed. I don't mind her being here, and I'm not going to say I don't want here here but I still want my relationship as it was. Everything changed so much. We still could spend Saturday nights together when she is asleep, I would like to think?

I can't make pancakes, oh because DD would love to make them, I can't bake anything on my own because DD wants too. I can't put washing on or take it off the line because oh DD will to do it tomorrow. I can't put dishes away from the dryer because DD is going to do it later. I can't sit in the front passenger seat in the car because DD wants to sit next to daddy. We picked her up yesterday and she started moaning and crying why she has to sit in the back, that her place is in the front and DP said of course no problem, then he pulled the car over and told me to swap.
Do you sit in the back of the car when DSC are with you?

Thank you for reading. I needed to vent after another lonely Saturday night and a week full of this.

OP posts:

Everydayisabadhairday · 04/05/2022 19:12

Who the fuck does he think he is staying in bed until 3pm when he's got a child to look after!!???!!?!

Themadcatparade · 10/05/2022 13:26

Oh wow Op I’m really sorry. I’m all for putting children first but this is bonkers.

first of all he sounds like a devoted father. He clearly loves his DD.

but if he wants a family and a relationship outside of the two of them then he’s going to struggle because this is more than putting his DD first and you second. This is more completely pushing you out of the picture!

it sounds like you are completely in the hands of him and his Dd here and it’s not a way to live a life no way. That you can’t even do simple things like sort the washing in your own home? It’s batshit. He’s completely disregarded your life, and your freedom and your thoughts here.

SD will sit in the front if I kindly offer her. Which is rare. I am an adult in the family and I am on equal with my partner, and our place is at the front. You on the other hand are not being treated as an adult, never mind an equal one.

I rarely say leave on this forum but I cannot see if you have spoken to him in anyway this situation will change. Stand up for yourself OP, just because she’s a child does not mean you have to drop every single ounce of your identity, your life and your dignity here.

Hollygolightly86 · 11/05/2022 06:01

I bet her mother is in agreement! Every weekend & evening without children…fantastic! Although she may have others but what a ludicrous arrangement (Not having his DD over but the situation you’ve described) baffled why you would put up with it. That child will never have any respect for you if her Father doesn’t

Original poster

blackOrWhite · 11/05/2022 06:46

We eventually talked.
In short he says:
True love forgives everything, If you loved me....
Problems make the true relationship stronger and they bring partners closer.
He loves me so much and he cant imagine life without me.
Was it really such a big deal that I watched DD while working on Monday? She is such a good child and why am I trying to find problems everywhere. We live together so why on earth he would need to ask me if I mind watching her? He wasn't planning to be in bed for that long but it just happened so can I not make it a team work and help him with DD?
He absolutely ignored me when I've said that he treats his DD as his partner rather than a child. He said he is trying the best to make everyone happy and if I wasn't, I should have just talked to him.
He wants DD to sit in the front because it's fun and an adventure for her. Her mum used to sit in the back often and when he was a child, his mum would get a back seat too. I've said I'm not going to sit in the back ever again. If he wants DD in front, then they can travel without me. He says it isn't fair that I don't want to compromise. Oh and I have been told that if I want to sit in the front, we can always use my car which of course I will need to drive, hence the privilege of sitting in the front

Hell would break loose if me or one my siblings pushed my mum (or any other adult for that matter) into the back seat! My dad would never allow it.
I fail to see how a lack of respect and me being displaced in the relationship is going to bring us closer together.

We talk about these problems and out of blue he comes up with this bullshit that true love forgives everything and that's the way DD loves him, could I not? As if implying that their love is perfect and mine is flawed because I keep finding problems and she doesn't. I attempted to explain that parental love and romantic love are two completely different concepts. Nope. Love is love.

I have reached out to my counsellor and had a session with her on Monday to talk through this set up. She said: Your DP wants you in his life as a female, not a partner. He's already got a partner, his DD.

OP posts:

Hollygolightly86 · 11/05/2022 06:50

It’s not a healthy relationship (you & he) & what he said is not how it works..at all! He is making zero compromises. I hate to say it but it will get worse as his DD gets older then you will have 2 of them treating you like shite.

whowhatwerewhy · 11/05/2022 07:23

Hi op , sorry but your partner is talking crap . I would find my own place and move out ASAP things will only get worse.

DeskInUse · 11/05/2022 08:06

True love forgives everything 🤣🤣 unless of course it's when your actions don't align with his!

SnowWhitesSM · 11/05/2022 09:00

When are you leaving him OP?

Please please please get out. It's crazy making. You will feel so happier on the other side, free of this shit.

Daleksatemyshed · 11/05/2022 11:34

Sorry @blackOrWhite but I think there's going to be some swearing in my comment. The true love remark nearly made me choke on my tea. Let me translate for you, what he means is, if you REALLY loved him you'd let him do whatever he wants and you'll just suck it up. Doesn't work both fucking ways, clearly.
The man is seriously deluded, you will never be in a normal adult relationship with him. Your therapist is so right, he already has the partner he wants.
I hope you're OK but I also hope you've making your leaving plans. One day when his DD grows up he's going to be a lonely man but that's his choice.

MichelleScarn · 11/05/2022 15:44

Your DP wants you in his life as a female, not a partner. He's already got a partner, his DD.

I'd add he wants you in his life a 'female support human' to do what he wants when he wants it. And the role doesn't allow dissent from the staff.

SallyWD · 11/05/2022 15:48

She's 9. She shouldn't be going to bed at 11pm. My DS is 9 and is in bed between 8 and 8.30pm and then we have an evening. It sounds like he's being way too accommodating. He needs some rules in place for his daughter and to consider your perspective too.

Seasidemumma77 · 11/05/2022 15:56

Pack your bags and leave. You deserve so much better. Your dp has some very bizarre ideas about relationships and love, and frankly that's not going to change. End the relationship, walk away and don't look back.

ComDummings · 11/05/2022 16:05

Gosh OP he has no respect for you whatsoever. Glad you are seeing things more clearly now. You deserve better.

Fireflygal · 11/05/2022 16:26

@blackOrWhite, he is very manipulative and I can see why you feel drained as all your objections are dismissed. He is telling you that your feelings are not important but he dresses it up with "teamwork" "true love". Both of those points you could turnaround but please don't waster time & energy attempting to persuade this man to respect you.

Btw, If his mum let him rule the roost then we know why he has such entitlement now and can't compromise. He is bringing up his daughter the same.

As someone else said ...it will get much worse as she gets older.

Iwonder08 · 11/05/2022 19:54

He is telling you directly and openly that your role is to cooperate, compromise, love him unconditionally and sacrifice all your interests and desires. If you are thinking it will get better when she is adult.. It won't. It will be worse. She will turn into a manipulative young woman because her dad couldn't parent her as a child.
Honestly, it is better to be alone than with all these issues.

Herejustforthisone · 11/05/2022 19:59

Ugh, he gives me the heebyjeebies.

Leave and start afresh, OP. I beg of you.

MeridianB · 11/05/2022 22:39

Iwonder08 · 11/05/2022 19:54

Totally agree. Your latest update is really sickening, OP.

Please put yourself first. 💐

dollface22 · 11/05/2022 23:27

Op if you were 24 I would say give him a few
Months to sort his shit out and stop being a Disney dad. His child is 9 not 19, 10pm bed time is ridiculous and so unhealthy for her, and behaviour like letting her dictate to who sits in the front etc. he's a Disney dad.
he needs to set some clear boundaries. The prob is your 34 and want children. I would seriously move out and reconsider this relationship. You really haven't got time to waste on someone who doesn't respect you. And it's true you never know someone until you live with them. You deserve better
Please keep us posted x

BovrilonToast · 13/05/2022 07:53

Daleksatemyshed · 11/05/2022 11:34

All this.

I’m sorry Blackorwhite. Step parenting is tough at the best of time without having to put up with this bullshit.

Fireflygal · 14/05/2022 12:56

@blackOrWhite, What kind of a weekend will you have?

Sweepingeyelashes · 15/05/2022 05:26

Run. He is incredibly selfish and the epitome of an entitled parent
with his brattish daughter ruling the roost. Presumably you pay half the rent but have no choice about activities in your own home - you can't even watch a movie. He thinks he needs to make no effort for you at all but you are meant to compromise endlessly on the basis that he loves his daughter so much - the daughter that he allows to go to bed at 11 pm! He is a rubbish partner and a rubbish parent.

Original poster

blackOrWhite · 15/05/2022 08:41

I'm at work most of the weekend. Away from both of them.

There are two flats I'm going to view this week so hopefully one of them will be decent so I can move in there when available.

I'm accused of blackmailing him because I've said Im not coming anywhere with them when expected to sit in the back He says he likes it the way it is, won't change it and I should stop moaning about everything and be the better person.

The last thing I would want to do is to blackmail anyone so it hurts when I get accused of it and, naturally, I want to stop because it hurts him! But then I am hurt too and he couldn't care less.

We had booked 5 days away in June, 3 of us. How bad would be if I pulled out of it now and let them two go? I don't think this is going to be a nice break

OP posts:

Isaidnoalready · 15/05/2022 08:49

Be sick pretend to throw up say "you go without me I insist" and pack while they are gone

Fireflygal · 15/05/2022 10:49

This is why relationships with manipulative people damage your self esteem as you are taking on board his comments but it really isn't you. Just because someone toxic calls you selfish, unreasonable doesn't mean it's true.

His basically wants you to STFU and do what he says.

I can't see why you would go on a trip with him as once you see his behaviour it becomes impossible to unsee it. He is also likely to ramp up his behaviour to get you back under control. If it will be uncomfortable to be open about why you're not going, whilst still living with him then make up a story...can you have a sick relative or urgent work situation?

I'm sorry your going through this and hope you can find a suitable place to move to.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 15/05/2022 10:58

Get your new place, OP. Get taken off the current tenancy. Move out ignoring anything he says. Live happily ever after. This is how you write the start of your life and not being an appendage to this man.

Good luck- you deserve to be happy!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8