Feeling pushed out

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I wonder if you could advise how to deal with it? Is this normal?

My partner's daughter is 9. Our relationship was great until we have moved in together (been together a few years).

Since we moved in together DP decided he wants to have DD here every weekend and every evening when he isn't at work. He works shifts. His ex is happy with it. But that means we don't get a time for just the two of us. None. We used to do so much at the weekends even being at home, we used to go to bed at 3am but now his DD is here all the time, dynamics are completely different, she goes to bed around 11pm and lights out, can't even watch a movie because I'm told it would be too loud. DP started going to bed at the same time as her and I'm spending Saturday nights on my own.

I have spoken to him about it and he says he understands my pov but nothing changed. I don't mind her being here, and I'm not going to say I don't want here here but I still want my relationship as it was. Everything changed so much. We still could spend Saturday nights together when she is asleep, I would like to think?

I can't make pancakes, oh because DD would love to make them, I can't bake anything on my own because DD wants too. I can't put washing on or take it off the line because oh DD will to do it tomorrow. I can't put dishes away from the dryer because DD is going to do it later. I can't sit in the front passenger seat in the car because DD wants to sit next to daddy. We picked her up yesterday and she started moaning and crying why she has to sit in the back, that her place is in the front and DP said of course no problem, then he pulled the car over and told me to swap.
Do you sit in the back of the car when DSC are with you?

Thank you for reading. I needed to vent after another lonely Saturday night and a week full of this.

Sorry OP. It's not healthy. Even if she was your biological child all these things aren't right. There's being a parent and having an adult relationship with your other half. You don't have that relationship and you absolutely need someone who will listen, respect you and want to spend alone time with you! And of course you should be able to bake what you want when you want! It really sounds like your a 3rd wheel here. It's no life. Please leave and find someone for you. You will find happiness out there once you're out I promise you! Plenty of normal men who understand relationships 💐

So many red flags in your OP. I totally agree with PP who say the bedtime is way too late, the demands are bizarre and the front seat thing is totally unacceptable.

At 9, his DD is being told and shown by him that the world revolves around her at the costs of others. Picture the scene at 13 when she a fully fledged ‘mini wife’ and nothing has changed. Or grown much worse.

You deserve SO much better, including a family of your own with someone smarter, kinder and, frankly, not an arse. 💐

having read your updates sadly i dont think your going to get anywhere here
hes making it quite clear really that you are just going to have to put up with it and if you complain hes going to try to make you feel guilty about it , you are already being set up to be the evil stepmother and it probably wont be long before your getting the old well you knew i had a child comment thrown at you .

as her mother doesnt seem bothered about when her child is with her its going to be pretty much a case of any free holidays he has you will find that what you thought was time for you both , his child is coming all day .and if you complain about it you will be painted as an unfeeling cow who doesnt want his child there

i pretty much put up with all this stuff for two years until i couldnt stand it anymore and left , trying to compramise didnt work much in my case and i doubt it will in yours , if you protest about how often shes there and or shes coming when you thought she wasnt ,you will get the well i cant make her feel i dont want to see her , been there got the tee shirt

its not my place to tell you to leave him , but honestly just leave him lol, dont waste time hoping this will get better , my experiance is it doesnt , she could very well be there 50 percent or more of the time in the future and his attitude seems to be you need to suck it up , except you dont, your only 34 and its too young to be putting up with being miserable in a relationship you not tied into

It sounds like he is trying to punish you/make you suffer for having the temerity to speak up, by ignoring you/giving you the silent treatment, while simultaneously rubbing your face in the attention he gives his DD. He's obviously trying to shut you up, and make sure you never raise these issues again, otherwise you will feel bad again. This man WILL NOT be a good long-term partner for you. There's only one way this situation will continue OP, and I'm sorry to say it won't be in your favour.

The more you explain the worse it sounds. I’m a step mum of many years, I have several step mum friends and I’ve been knocking around here a long time. None of this is normal or par for the course. It’s not how parents tend to behave. It’s not how dads are if they’re decent parents. This man has made the decision to be in a relationship, it’s nonsensical he cares so little about investing in and enjoying that relationship. He’s treating you like crap and he’s chipping away at you hoping you’ll stop expecting anything better than the crumbs he’s letting fall at your feet.

It’s really hard to read what you’re going through. You know it’s all kinds of wrong. Save yourself and get a better life.

I was also 34 when I met my partner who I subsequently married. His daughter when I met him was 11 and there are a lot of similarities to your story. I also used to sit in the back of the car so she could sit in the front. There are various other things you mention that were also very similar. My partner was in retrospect a ‘Disney dad’. I put up with a lot as I saw how much she idolised her father and I wanted to keep the peace and us all to get on but didn’t quite realise at the time how dysfunctional the relationship was.

Unfortunately my SD has grown up with a lot of narcissistic traits and sense of entitlement, probably from always being prioritised. She has been one of the hardest things I’ve honestly ever had to cope with. My advice unfortunately would be to leave now. I think there’s too many red flags in your posts already to see much chance of a successful outcome for your relationship I’m sorry 😢

Yes. This.

Wow I have a biological daughter of similar age and I would still make time for myself/adults only. And she sits in the back of the car. It's totally weird the way he behaves. Move out and leave him to it.

I'm afraid that's incredibly naive. If a situation arises, no decent parent us going to say let's discuss this, beyond doing that solely to make the new partner think they have a say.

Get involved with someone with children, regardless of historical and current level of contact, could change at any point to full time. That's the risk you take.

*I'm afraid that's incredibly naive. If a situation arises, no decent parent us going to say let's discuss this, beyond doing that solely to make the new partner think they have a say.

Get involved with someone with children, regardless of historical and current level of contact, could change at any point to full time. That's the risk you take.*

On the contrary, if you choose to live with a partner, it's woefully naive and self absorbed to think you can just decide the kids are coming full time when it isn't a necessity, without discussing it.

As I said before, it's different if a situation arises which means the parent has no choice.

Get involved with someone that isn't your kids parent, and you can't make unilateral, life altering choices without their involvement. That's the risk you take.

Get involved with someone with children, regardless of historical and current level of contact, could change at any point to full time. That's the risk you take. it could but DH would be an absolute dick not to dicuss it with me first and just decide oh they live here 100% of the time now. And if they did I can walk away.

Anyway OP this sounds very unhealthy for the DD and for you.

You can't watch a film in case it wakes her up and he makes you sit in the back of the car because she kicks off if she can't have the front seat?!

What the fuck did I just read?

OP, please get away from this man who has zero interest in you as a person. You deserve better.

Does your DP tell you in advance when SC will be over? Can you sometimes prioritise your own plans, just the two of you?

Yes and yes. Otherwise I wouldn't be with him. Honestly OP, it's not healthy at all what you describe. I'd be long gone.

Are you the lady who handed in her notice on her flat, moved in with him but he started treating you like this and then managed to rescind the notice?

Have you now gone back to him? Do you still have your flat?

If this is the same guy he also invites you out for meals with his DD and expects you to pay. He lets his DD wear your clothes and take your stuff.
He wanted you to live with him to help with childcare.

Run far away as fast as you can.

OP I had the front seat thing too. He never asked me to sit in the back, but his ex kicked off that I was sat in the front and his kid got very stroppy, which made exh feel guilty and his guilt and resentment would come out in another way.

I lost my whole self within a year of marriage and living together. We once had an argument that me and my son were talking too loud (normal voice levels) and his son was trying to sleep.

We also had the very late bedtimes. I did insist that his 7/8 yr old have a bedtime routine in the week days, that his dad could read to him for 30mins and lights out for 8.30. We once had an argument about how controlling I was that I didn't want his son in my bed or my husband in his kids bed and how unfair was I to not let my husband read to his son till 11pm...

Also had tons of manipulating from his kid. I remember dancing round my kitchen making pancakes for everyone and his ds said he didn't want pancakes he wanted cereal, fair enough you would think, but then he went to his dad and made out like I wouldn't let him have a pancake and his dad believed him!

Or the time exh took my dc in the surfing part of the sea and I was body boarding with his kid. His kid had never been in the sea before and was a little nervous. We were having a great time, genuinely a really nice time, then exh came a joined us and he presented he was oh so super scared. Again I'm the bad one who his dad needed to protect him from.

He also made such a fuss about having music on in the mornings. I lost all my zest for life when I was a step mum. All those little things add up, my hair started falling out with stress. I chucked them both out my house. Zero regrets! Love love love being just me and my dc again. He would love for us to be back together but I won't ever lose myself again.

I would not object to her coming over more if we were still able to have a normal relationship and adult time. He was always pushing for more and more adult time together, he was initiating it and organising stuff for us two to do when we lived separately. Always. Since I have moved in, honesty, I feel like an appliance rather than his partner! No effort, no time.

I was watching netflix last night, it was 10pm. She had a bubble bath, then came to the living room with DP and they asked If I could turn kids channel on for a while so she can watch a cartoon. I've said no because I'm watching a movie and it's already 10pm (you all gave me a confidence to do it!) . She stared crying and saying how unfair I am and how she can not watch TV when she wants. He said okay and took her to bed. They have watched reels on Instagram for about an hr, obviously having a great time cuddling kissing and saying I love you so much at least 15 times. I went shower and bed. Fuck that shit.

We will need to have a talk today once he drops her off to her mum. If he wants a relationship he needs to 1. Respect, 2. Make a space for me and 3. Find the time for it.

I have made plans for the next weekend so I'm not here at all. Don't know where this is all going but it could be the beginning of an end.

I won't be sitting in the back of the car, I won't be treated as an afterthought and my life won't be dictated by either of them 2.

Their relationship is weird. He's her father he needs to be putting in boundaries not letting her do whatever she wants.

Well done OP! Love your latest update. 👏🏻
Keep hold of that "fuck this shit" approach.

Demanding control of the TV at 10pm?! Un fucking believeable. What was her father's response? My DP would have said "no it's too late for that and Sofie is watching a film, come on, bed time". Not that his kids would ever do that or be up at that time at that age!

Definitely have a talk, things change or you either 1. Move out or 2. Relationship ends.

I get the 'DSC wants to do it' sometimes from DP. Especially to do with baking or walking the dog. I don't mind doing either with DSC sometimes but on my terms. I like to bake by myself because it's relaxing and I like to concentrate, so I will sometimes say no. Also waking the dog, I do it when I have time (my time!) I also quite like to walk him and stick my headphones in and walk in peace. So again I say no, I also tell him if he wants DSC to do it, I'll leave the dog and HE can walk it when DSC get here; mostly he will refuse this offer so off I go. I would do the same if he tells you to wait for DSC say 'ok I'll leave it for you and her to do later/tomorrow' and make him do it with her.

I would absolutely not be moving to sit in the back of the car either.

It sounds very much like he is a Disney dad, does what she wants when she wants. But that doesn't work when they are there more. He has to learn to say no to her and make time for adults otherwise he will never have a good relationship with anyone!

Me and DP do make adult time, with both Seth's of kids. And sometimes if it lands when my DC aren't here he will change days with his so we get a day off kids. If he or I didn't do this it would annoy eachother definitely.

@SortingItOut yes I remember that thread ...is this you OP? You were going to move in saw how awful he was and tried to get your flat back?

No, I haven't posted about moving out before.

I lost all my zest for life when I was a step mum

This ^^

Op, think about it. You are having to fight/argue/insist/debate to be treated with respect. If you HAVE to ask him to respect you it means he doesn't.

He may alter some behaviours so you pull back from leaving but it willl always ping back to the default position of zero respect because that's his underlying feeling. That's nothing to do with you. It's all him. I imagine he had similar with SD mum.

I know this is hard to process...but please accept advice from those of us who have been there. The honeymoon stage where you fell in love with him has gone. What you experience now is the reality of living with him.

You use the word "appliance" and that's highly intuitive and wise of you because that is what you are to him. I'm sure he loves having you around but it's on his terms only. Once you get that concept it makes the issues in the relationship clearer to see.

The way he uses emotional manipulation shows this man isn't capable of seeing your point of view. Don't hang around too long as you'll just regret wasting your 30s (which are great years btw) on this man.

In that case there are two very similar situations going on.

What's your housing situation ? Rent or own? His or yours or joint?

What's the constant kissing, cuddling and i love yous about ?. Is this to make you jealous or have they always been like that?

No way would I stand for that, ok she's around but being sidelined like that and no effort from your dp to maintain a healthy relationship with you is just not on. For me, I'd have left already.
I'm a stepmum with a fantastic relationship with my now adult stepdaughter, I love her to bits and I know she loves me too... mentioned to demonstrate this can happen even when boundaries are in place.

This could have been me during my first, brief marriage 30 years ago. The man I dated had time and respect for me. We went out and spent time in, on our own, but he had his 6 year old daughter every other weekend and 2 nights during the week, which I accepted as obviously I knew they came as a pair. Before we married and moved in together that was absolutely fine and on the weekends she stayed, we devoted that time to her and I didn't stay over. We went to child friendly places, didn't go out together alone etc and during the week when he had her, I stayed at my own home. As soon as we married and I moved in the whole set up changed completely. She stayed every weekend, Saturday morning to Monday morning, which I didn't mind as at that stage, I had a great relationship with her. However, I discovered he let her stay up till midnight, let her eat anything she wanted, let her watch unsuitable TV programmes and often kept her off school on a Monday as she was so tired. The worst of it was, he let her sleep on a camp bed at the end of our bed, even though she had a lovely bedroom at our house. As I'd be cooking dinner, she'd go to the fridge and help herself to a Mars bar, telling me her dad said she could. He never backed me up once. I think he was desperately trying to make things up to her because the family had broken up. Then, the nights during the week that she stayed, he started go to the gym or meet up with friends and I'd come home from work and be expected to look after her alone. She refused to shower, would get out of bed after I'd taken her up and say she was waiting for daddy to come home. Then her mother started dropping her off an extra night during the week, every Friday night and he suddenly had to work late on Friday nights. They all walked all over me. Once I was crossing a busy road and she refused to hold my hand, so I raised my voice to her and said for safety reasons I insist she hold my hand. I later got a phone call from her mother telling me it wasn't my place to discipline her daughter! I was 24 with no kids and suddenly I had nearly full time responsibility for a 6 year old. He then made it clear that kids weren't on the agenda anytime soon for me and him, as it would upset her too much. We were newly weds but obviously we couldn't behave as newly weds do, as we had a six year old sleeping in our bedroom 5 nights a week. It wasn't so much the fact that she practically lived with us, I'd have been happy if she'd lived with us full time. It was the way they both treated me when she was there. It wasn't her fault, of course she's going to stay up late and eat crap, skive off school etc if you let her, any kid would. It was the fact that he took me totally for granted and my feelings and opinions were shoved to the bottom of the pile. I soon realised why his first wife had left him. I'm sorry op but I really don't see a future for you with this man. I walked out 18 months later and never looked back.